Life Code: The New Rules for Winning in the Real World (4 page)

And the truth is that sometimes you actually
help
them hurt you. If you’re like a lot of folks in this world, you’re probably not sure about exactly what it is that you deserve. Am I really worthy of the promotion? Do I really deserve such a great mate? Can I measure up when the pressure is on? Those doubts and questions and a thousand like them can make you tentative in stepping up and boldly claiming what you want. You might even freeze or “choke” under pressure, even if just for a fleeting moment. But it is that tentativeness, that moment of hesitation or doubt that your competition, particularly the BAITER, seizes upon to get an edge against you.

To me, integrity means doing the right thing even if nobody is watching. But for the BAITERs—the exploiters and abusers—the fact that nobody is watching merely means it’s easier for them to operate. They don’t even bother trying to find reasons or to rationalize their attitude and moves; they are driven by blind ambition and a cutthroat mentality that they access without a second thought, and you lose.

And sometimes, many times, the BAITERs don’t even have to cheat because you default to them by simply not “getting” what is going on. Life is a “full-contact” hard-knocks game even before the cheating starts. These people understand that life is full of negotiating, positioning, influencing, and working the system. You might never pre-arrange to “run into” your boss or your hoped-for mate to get a chance for some critical face time, but they do. They will show up at his church on Sunday and just happen to “bump into” him! “Gee, I didn’t know you attended here. I would love it if you could tell me about the place and the people.” You may think that is highly manipulative or downright unacceptable, and you’ll have plenty of time to think it, because you’ll be sitting at home while she’s at your job or out with your Mister.

In fact, your competition could be someone who simply outhustles you to win, rather than a flat-out BAITER who lies and cheats. Of course, you have to make a distinction in your life between the two, and this is where intent figures into the equation because that distinction should be based on intent. If someone is deliberately causing you pain or harm or putting you at risk or wantonly disregarding your well-being, that person is most certainly a BAITER. This differs from someone who is just in a conflict with you because your interests are not aligned.

While some people are wondering why life isn’t fair, others are seizing, and sometimes stealing, the moment. They’re not timid; they steal the attention and strategically position themselves for a chance to win. They are bold enough to step up and ask for what they want and ask again and again until they get it. Meanwhile, others unwittingly just “lie down” and let them have their way.

Am I saying you have to become like “them” to win or even survive? No, of course not, but you
do
have to plug in, engage, and stop letting them abuse you and your trust while you wish that things were different. You do have to play smarter, harder, and better. That means changing what you are doing and how you are thinking.

I’m sorry to have to tell you that right now, I’m 100 percent certain the very people I’m describing, the BAITERs, are in your life and mine and are willing to take advantage of you in some way—even to the point of actively wishing you harm. If that sounds paranoid, I assure you, it is not. The reality is that there are many predatory people out there. So, unless you live in the Pleasantville movie set with Tobey Maguire, you are very likely at risk, at least in some parts of your life. Maybe it’s a “friend” or a co-worker or even a family member. Maybe it’s a salesman cheating you, a boss abusing you, or a bully picking on you or your child. It may not be fun to face the truth, but it is the truth.

For those of you who are still with me, you might be asking this legitimate question: Does that harsh assessment apply to everyone in your life? No, of course not. The world in general and your personal world in particular are a melting pot that includes a broad array of people, ranging from your biggest and most sincere supporters to the most cold-blooded, selfish, and self-serving BAITER. In a perfect world, dishonest, exploitive behavior would never, ever be rewarded because it is never a good practice to reward bad behavior (which is why we should never give into to our child’s tantrums, right?). But you know better. As much as you might not like it, you know that sometimes the world does reward bad behavior.

And you must be aware that it’s not just your spouse, neighbor, or co-worker who is potentially “playing” you. There are so many stealthy manipulators in our lives that it’s shocking we aren’t even more outraged than we are and marching in protest on a daily basis. There is a trillion-dollar-a-year corporate marketing and advertising machine that is programming us, and our innocent children, during every waking moment. The message is we are not okay if we don’t buy what they sell, if we are not constant and consummate consumers. Fast-food companies play mind games by selling you “acceptance” rather than food when the commercial focuses on happy, smiling, accepting people eating at the restaurant. They hardly even show the burgers! They did research and learned that you want to feel like you’re a
part
of something, like you
belong
, so that is what they sell. Auto companies sell sex and romance with beautiful models and exotic backdrops rather than cars. “Smoke and mirror” Photoshopped models wear the newest fashions on bodies so emaciated they look like walking hangers but are glamorized for our young daughters to emulate and aspire to. Buy our food and be part of this happy scene! Buy our car and be in love and cruising along the ocean shore. Buy our clothes and be like us. Join our club by wearing our label!

And politicians spend billions to research and identify
your
fears so they can then exploit them. Vote for us or your worst fears will come true! And the list goes on and on and on. We
so
need to call them on that manipulative crap! Things are getting worse, not better, when it comes to the science of manipulation. We need to fight back, and it starts with you being “on to them.” Remain in denial, and you can guarantee that you’ll be taken advantage of by these insidious methods. Or use this book and incorporate this new “Life Code” as your new guide and your wake-up call, and guarantee that you’ll be more equipped to fend off such attacks.

Hey, it happened to me! As I’ll tell you in detail in Chapter 2, I was once taken advantage of by someone I trusted to handle my financial affairs. Even though it was my business as a psychologist to understand people’s behavior, I was completely fooled by this person. Frankly, in retrospect, I was a “Pollyanna,” and it cost me and my family a lot of money and heartache. I made the mistake of not listening to my gut.

I can’t change what happened in the past, and neither can you. But I have changed what has happened since, and so can you! There was a “death of innocence,” so to speak, but that’s okay because it is real. Am I bitter? No, I’m not bitter; I’m better.

For America, 9/11 marked a collective, national “death of innocence.” Up until that day, we, all of us, heard about acts of terrorism from overseas and wondered how those people lived under such a constant threat. We did not want to even consider that one day it could be us. I mean, come on, this is America, the greatest and most powerful country in the world. No one would dare aggress against us, certainly not here on American soil. But on that tragic day, evil visited our shores. It was a sad national wake-up call. We were forced to consciously acknowledge a threat that had been there all along—that we are hated, actually hated, by hundreds of millions of people the world over. We were forced to go on national alert. We resisted, but we made the attitude and life adjustment and came around.

It’s time to do that again, but this time in your own life. You know that what I’m saying is true, and you could probably make a “threats” list right now about people and circumstances in your own life that could cause you pain if you fail to maintain vigil and take protective actions. Maybe it is a kid at school pestering your child to do drugs or a family member or co-worker who you know in your heart is toxic, though you haven’t dealt with the situation. I believe we all know the truth when we hear it, even if it is not what we wanted to hear, and we feel better once we come to grips with reality. Think about it. If you are worried about a spot on an X-ray or a rumor that your teenager is up to no good, your friends can pat you on the back of the hand and reassure you, they can tell you what you want to hear, but deep down, don’t you know better—or at least
want
to know the truth? Of course you do, because you are smart. My dad used to say, “Boy, there are two things that don’t get better with time, bills and problems!” He was right; early acknowledgment and early intervention or action are always best. Denial is childish.

From this point forward, I challenge you to be totally and even brutally honest with yourself. If you are creating problems and fear and anxiety in the absence of any real threat, stop doing that! You don’t need to manufacture drama. It can distract you from recognizing and reacting when a very real threat is upon you. Don’t buy into either imagined dangers or mindless reassurances of people telling you they “know that everything will be just fine” when you know they haven’t a clue what they are talking about and are only trying to make you feel better. They mean well, but it doesn’t help. Dealing with reality helps.

This is one of those times. I’m speaking the truth, and you know it. You must become a sophisticated realist. I want there to be as big of a difference between where you are now in your awareness and where you will be when we are done as there is between a wet-behind-the-ears rookie cop and a seasoned, street-smart veteran. Once you are tuned in, plugged in, and in control of your life, you will experience a genuine peace that comes from knowing and dealing with the truth.

I’m betting that you and I probably come from pretty similar backgrounds. I was born and raised in the middle part of this country. I come from a Christian and God-fearing family. I accepted Christ as my personal Savior when I was 13 years old and value that relationship above all others in my life. Robin and I raised our boys in a God-centered home and believe very much in Christian teachings.

But there’s something else I believe. I believe in the old adage “Pray to God, but row for the shore.” It’s the “rowing” that I want to address now. I don’t believe we are “passengers” on the “life bus.” I think we create our own experiences; we make our own breaks, because I believe God gave us the gift and responsibility of free will. A huge gift! And as the old saying goes, “To whom much is given, much is expected.” He gives us opportunities and allows obstacles, and we have to rise to the challenges.

One of my clergy friends loves to tell the old joke—you’ve probably heard it before—about a man caught in an unbelievable flood. When all his neighbors were running for high ground, he said, “No, I’m staying here—God will save me.” Eventually the flood forced him to his rooftop. Rescuers came by in boat after boat begging him to get aboard, but he said, “No, I’m staying here—God will save me.” Finally, when the tide rose above the rooftop and as he was floating in the water, he yelled at the heavens, “God, I kept the faith; I thought you were going to save me!” Then the clouds opened up, and he heard a booming voice say, “Hey, I sent you nine neighbors and three rescue boats. What else do you want from me?”

Maybe I’m trying to be your neighbor, and this book could be your rescue boat.

Now, you’re probably thinking that all this talk about competition, about life as a “game,” is a little distasteful. Of course, we can debate what “winning” really means, and you may even say that if it takes being manipulative and exploitive to “win,” if it takes cheating and lying to win, then “No thanks!”—because that isn’t really winning. That’s fine with me, and I might even agree with you.
But
—and this is another big
but
—you should at the very least know how the game is being played, because, like it or not, you are in it.

So don’t be put off by the term “game,” because it does not refer simply to frivolous things. Many games are very serious, and some games are life and death. You can sit back in self-righteous splendor and say, “Well, Dr. Phil, I just don’t play games. I’m not a game-player.” I hear you, but you’re wrong—you are in the game, you are playing the game, and you cannot
not
choose. Even saying that you don’t want to play is a choice. This game is going on around you, and you are in it. All I want you to do is play well.

Think about it: Knowing that someone “cheated” to win will not pay your bills or keep you warm at night if you’ve been victimized. You may think it’s a hollow victory if they used unscrupulous means, but if they get your job or your husband, you’re still on your own, and knowing you’re “in the right” is little comfort. It has been said that “there are no victims, only volunteers,” and I want that to change today! I do not want that volunteer to be you. If you understand the threat of users and abusers, know how to pick them out of the crowd, and are wise to their methods and tactics, then and only then can you protect yourself and your loved ones. You need to know how to counteract them, to stop them in their tracks,
so you don’t keep getting “played!”