Life Code: The New Rules for Winning in the Real World (5 page)

Understand, I’m not here to teach
you
how to cheat; I’m here to teach you how
they
cheat. But—and this is important—I’m not asking you to get down to their level. There’s an old saying, “When you roll with pigs, you’re going to get muddy. And the pigs like it.” I’m not here to say you should roll with pigs, but I’m here to prepare you to recognize them when they’re coming around the corner and headed into your life.

I will confess to you straight up that some of what I’m going to tell you can be used for evil. It can be used to take advantage of and exploit other people. But so can most things. Pain pills are wonderful if you’ve had a rough day at the dentist or surgery on your back, but if you abuse them, they can destroy your life. The sun is warm and wonderful and can give you important vitamins to make you healthy, but stay in it too long, and you’ll get severely burned. It’s not the saw, it’s the carpenter.

If there are elements of your life that are missing, I can promise you that it is not always because of what someone did to you or didn’t do for you. It is often because of what you do or don’t do to create and claim that which you want and need. I want this book to give you tools in the right framework so you can create leverage.

We are ready to move on and get started in earnest. It is time to see the new “Life Code” and “The New Rules for Winning in the Real World.” In Chapter 2, I’m going to share with you what I call the “Evil Eight,” which are the eight identifiers that can empower you to spot the BAITERs when they enter your space. In Chapter 3, you are going to get the BAITERs’ secret “playbook” that includes what I call the “Nefarious 15,” the actual tactics the BAITERs use to exploit their targets. Chapter 4 will talk about how to ensure that you don’t leave yourself open ever again! Chapter 5 will give you
your
own “Life Code” playbook, including what I call the “Sweet 16” tactics for winning in the real world. Chapter 6 is going to talk about the powerful tool of effective negotiation, and Chapter 7 is all about what you can do as parents to truly prepare your children for living successfully.

I read something in the paper recently that just horrified me. These three men decided to rob a family, so they invaded the family’s home. But they didn’t just loot the house—they raped the wife, beat the husband, and then killed them both. And the couple’s 12-year-old son saw them do it. So what did the criminals do? They caught the boy and drowned him in boiling water.

That’s who these people are at their absolute worst, and this is exactly who I am talking about when I refer to BAITERs. Fortunately for all of us, this type of dysfunctional personality and conduct is on a continuum, and those monsters are definitely at the far end in a negative direction. These cruel and violent acts tell you unmistakably that you are dealing with some seriously screwed-up individuals. They are unconscionable and have absolutely no empathy, no regard for human life or the rights of others, and no impulse control. Again, for the purposes of this book, we won’t be focusing so much on
why
some people, including these extreme examples, are so sick and demented, as we will on the fact that some of them
are
sick and demented. Regardless of why they are the way they are, the reality is that they live among us—the sick murderers and those who are less violent but highly exploitive. The day this happened, someone was probably standing next to them at the gas station, in line behind them at the fast-food counter, or riding in the same subway car. These are people who make even the staunchest opponents of the death penalty question their stance. When something horrific like that crime happens, we all just shake our heads and say, “I’m sorry, I just don’t get it. How could anyone
do
something like that?”

As I say, this kind of dysfunction is on a continuum, and most of us will never run across murderous monsters like that in our lifetimes. But every one of us has had the experience of being caught off-guard by people who are perhaps not so violent but are very much on the dysfunctional continuum. I’m guessing you won’t have to think very hard to make a list of the people in your life who have violated you in a variety of ways. Maybe your BAITER wasn’t that extreme and violent, but they still inflicted pain and disruption in your life. They betrayed your trust; talked behind your back; seduced your significant other; stole your money; took credit for your work; abused you mentally, emotionally, or physically; controlled, dominated, and isolated you; alienated your friends; or exploited your kindness and goodwill.

Maybe they were your employees who took their pay every day and then stabbed you in the back. Maybe they were employers who used you, abused you, and then unceremoniously fired you. In this world, there are “givers” and “takers,” and these BAITERs are takers; in fact, remember that’s what the “T” stands for. They can be emotional monsters who are interested in only one person, and that is themselves. They lie, cheat, and steal; use and abuse; and take advantage of the rest of us. By the way, if you ask them, it’s
never
their fault, and they
never
feel remorse.

We, of course, are typically left in shock because we weren’t prepared, so once again, we just shake our heads and say the same thing: “I never saw that coming. How could they
do
that?” But don’t feel bad about not having a natural ability to see them coming. If you don’t have larceny in your heart, if you don’t approach people and situations looking for an opportunity to exploit, it’s very hard to recognize that mind-set in others. We have no construct for it, and we have no experience with it, so it’s hard to conceptualize something in others that we haven’t experienced within ourselves. That makes us extremely vulnerable.

My dad used to say, “There is something about that old boy over there that I just can’t stand about me!” What he was saying is that he could see in others only that which he had to some degree within himself. The converse is true: If we don’t have it within ourselves, we can be quite blind to it. That’s why I’m working to put these potentialities consciously on your radar screen, so you
can
see them, even though they are foreign to your way of thinking.

If and when this has happened to you, you probably felt very alone. But you don’t have to look very far to find others who are in your same boat—and as you know from Chapter 1, I am no exception.

I’ve always been one to believe that it is our responsibility as humans to look for the good in our fellow man and, in fact, not just look for it but actually try to help people be the best they can be. When it turned out that I was going to spend my life in the helping professions, that attitude seemed to lend itself to challenges of my chosen work. And boy, oh boy, did I throw myself into my work. I began working in private practice in clinical psychology and behavioral medicine back in the late 1970s. Between my office hours and an active hospital practice, I worked really hard—too hard, probably. I was a young lion, and I was going to stamp out disease and suffering far and wide! I was going to cure the ills of the world, and I attacked them with a vengeance, sometimes 20 hours a day, day after day. Despite what I now see was a serious lack of balance, my efforts paid off professionally, because I soon had a thriving practice, growing by leaps and bounds.

I knew I couldn’t do it alone, so I sought out staff and professionals who seemed to share my passion and would go the extra mile to make a difference. I had a number of other therapists on the team, as well as physicians, technicians, and nurses. Pretty soon, I needed a really strong administrator. Theresa was that person. She was smart, sharp, dedicated, and passionate about working somewhere that was making a difference in people’s lives. I met her through her husband, a businessman I knew in town. They had five children, some of whom had been in quite a bit of trouble with the law.

Theresa, who physically and personality-wise reminded me of Aunt Bee from
The Andy Griffith Show
, seemed to be a conservative, down-to-earth woman who was “mortified” that her boys had been in trouble. She cried in shame when it came up in any context. She was the choir director at her church, volunteered there several nights a week, and was always more than happy to talk about her faith, and yours. She seemed like a great fit in many ways. But for some reason, I had this nagging feeling in the back of my mind that something just wasn’t right. It was not anything I could put my finger on. I thought about it and decided it was
my
problem, not hers. Maybe I was being judgmental about her children. Maybe I felt uneasy because she seemed so much more spiritually developed than me. I mean, come on, I was lucky to get to church once a month, and she practically lived at hers and was constantly ministering to others. I scolded myself and ignored my “gut feeling.” I gave her the
benefit of the doubt.
I didn’t want to be judgmental, especially based on some vague feeling or because some of her children had been in trouble. I hired her and put her to work.

As it turned out, she came in like a house afire and got things under control. She worked long, hard hours and attended to every detail as if it was her own money and her own business she was handling.

One day, about a year later, I was coincidentally having lunch with her husband. He flew all over the country for business and was in town, so we were catching up a bit. For the first time in my life, I was embarrassingly told by the waiter, “Sir, I’m sorry, but your credit card has been declined. They would like for you to call.” I was shocked, embarrassed, and confused. I use credit cards sparingly, but I have never, ever paid one dime of interest because I pay off the balance at the end of every month, so I didn’t understand how the card could be rejected. Theresa’s husband, sensing my embarrassment, quickly tossed some cash on the table, and we were out of there.

I knew “Aunt Bee” would be all over these idiots in two seconds; how dare they turn down my card! She took this kind of thing personally. They were messing with
her
now! I was right, because she freaked. She felt “horrible” that I had been embarrassed. She blamed herself and could hardly wait to race out of my office and get this fixed.

The nagging feeling I had experienced initially wasn’t going away. What was I feeling? Why was I ignoring it? Something just wasn’t right. I decided to call Danny, my accountant and longtime good friend, and just chat with him about the whole deal. I knew my books were balanced every month, so it couldn’t be that. When I called, they put me on hold while they rounded him up for me. It was in that single moment, sitting there, phone to my ear, that something happened that changed my life forever. It changed my values and challenged my beliefs and my teachings. It changed who I was. I don’t understand how it happened to this day. Was it some divine intervention? Dumb luck? A technological glitch? Was it supposed to happen to change who I was or change what I taught others? To prepare me to write this book? I don’t know the answer, but I know the impact.

So, what happened that was so life-changing? While I was on hold for Danny, all of a sudden I heard another conversation taking place on my phone, my line! It was like I had “bugged” the other phone line. I was on line 2, and line 3 was the only other line lit up at the time. This had never happened before, and it has never happened since. But on this day, in that moment, another conversation was bleeding over to my line while I was on hold. It was tinny, had a little static, and was electronic sounding, but I could hear it just as plain as day.

What I was hearing on my phone was Theresa on the other line with her husband, whom I had just had lunch with, and he was yelling and screaming at her in an absolute rage. He was calling her every name in the book: “You b----! You lying c---! Are you doing it again? Don’t you lie to me! If you’re screwing with this man’s money, I swear I’ll put you in jail myself! Tell me you’re not doing this again! I swear I will kill you dead! Oh my God, what have you done?” “Aunt Bee” my foot! She confessed it all to her husband as I listened in shock. She was embezzling, and embezzling in a massive way. I was stunned. I looked at the phone as I broke out in a cold sweat. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing and, moreover, couldn’t believe that I was hearing it! It was such a surreal moment that I remember as if it were yesterday. Danny finally picked up, and it blocked the bleed-over. I said, “Danny, you are
not
going to believe what is going on. Please get over here as fast as you can. I’ll explain when you get here.” Within five minutes, he was standing in my doorway. I tried to explain what had happened, but how could I?

I called Theresa into my office and told her I “knew.” She tried to lie, but when I repeated verbatim both ends of her conversation with her husband, she folded like a pup tent in a hurricane. She confessed it all, and “all” was some kind of story. She had been embezzling money from me practically since day one. It was all premeditated. She had set me up, and despite my uneasy feelings, I’d been had. Had, big time! She was smart, as many BAITERs are. She would write out checks for all of my bills, present them to me for signature, and then stuff them in the bottom of the drawer. If the bills totaled $11,962, she would then transfer $11,962 out of the account to make it look like that money had gone out to pay bills when, in fact, it had gone to her. When past due notices came in, she intercepted them so I never had a clue. She bought cars for some of her children, made the down payment on a house for another one, and was stacking money big time—to the tune of six figures. It was a devastating “double whammy” for me and my family, because the money was gone and the bills, like my credit card, were still unpaid.