Life Is A Foreign Language (18 page)

“For thirty-seven years I looked the other way, pretending not to notice the small discrepancies in schedule, the smell of unfamiliar perfume, the implausible business trips. I was the perfect wife with the perfect husband and children and home. My life was the kids and my job. I never questioned whether I was happy or not. I’d made my choice and accepted my existence. Sometimes I felt lonely, but I shrugged it off, rationalizing that everybody feels lonely from time to time.

“And it worked—until two months ago when I returned unexpectedly and caught him in the act. He was making love to a woman in our home. He’d broken his promise to keep it away from our family, and no pretending on my part would make this go away. The next day I filed for divorce and came to Cape Coral shortly after.” She groped for his hand to hold, to anchor her against the surge of pain. “I’m so ashamed I let André humiliate me for all those years. I’m embarrassed I had so little self-respect to have put up with his dishonesty.

“I’ve told Danny about this last episode. He doesn’t know about the years I lived a lie. Lillian was so angry with me for divorcing her father and leaving France, she refused to believe her father’s adultery. Although she’s since seen him with another woman, I’m not reassured she won’t go through with her threat to keep me from seeing the twins and cut herself off from me. There, I’ve said it all.”

She tried to swallow against the lump in her throat, her eyes brimming over.

Beside her Michael stirred. He stood and pulled her into his arms, holding her, stroking her, crooning sounds of comfort. He fondled her neck, her shoulders, thumbs caressing her throat, the palm of his hand coming to rest against her cheek.

Finally she had told the story, what she had kept to herself for so many years. Michael’s arms around her spoke of his compassion, and she found comfort in his presence as she nestled close. While he held her, swaying with her in a rhythm as old as time, some of her pain receded. There were still things she needed to tell him, but lacked the strength to do it all at once.

“You’ve had your fair share; first the abuse from your father, then married to a no good as a husband.”

She nodded against his shoulder. “I’ve wondered what’s wrong with me that those two men were so hard on me. It’s as if I’m defective.”

“You’re not defective. It’s not your fault your father and husband mistreated you. I don’t know why so much hardship seems to be heaped on nice people like you.” Sighing he held her tight. “Oh, Nina. Life sure has dealt us some hard knocks.”

“Yes. Life is tough, but I can take it.” She kissed him with her lips wet from tears. “Thank you for listening.”

With an arm around her shoulders, he led her inside and sat next to her on the couch. “What about your children, Nina? Is it really important that they know the full story? You’ve told them about the incident that forced your hand, but do they need to know it all? I mean, in detail?”

She glanced at him, surprised. “I don’t know. I’ve mentioned that this wasn’t the first time. Maybe they don’t need to know more. But if I keep quiet about it, am I not perpetuating the lie?”

“Sweetheart, I don’t think so. You don’t have to answer questions they don’t ask. André is their father; if their relationship is good, leave it be. I don’t think children need to know everything about their parents. What do you think?”

She nodded. “Yes, you’re right.”

“What about Lillian? Hasn’t your relationship been good?”

“It’s been warm, but she’s closer to André, the usual father-daughter connection.”

“How will you deal with her?”

“For the moment I’m waiting to see what she decides. If she tries to keep the twins from me, I won’t let her. There’s such a strong bond between Morgan, Natalie and me, nothing is going to jeopardize that. I’ll go to France to confront Lillian, if I have to.”

After a moment he nodded. “Sounds wise. You’re very courageous.”

She leaned her head against his chest and heard his heart beat. “Michael, I’m so grateful you’re here for me. It’s such relief to know I don’t have to deal with this alone anymore.”

He caressed her head, an arm around her shoulders. “I’m here, any time you want to talk.”

“I’ve said all I need to say for now. I never want to rehash this again. André and I are in the past. The future is now.”

“Yes, you’re right.” He glanced at his watch. “It’s getting late. Will you be all right on your own?”

It was late and she felt drained. She didn’t want him to leave, but if he stayed, who knows where it would lead, and she wasn’t ready to sleep with him. So she smiled and stood. “Sure, I’ll be fine. I guess we’re both tired.”

Holding hands, they walked to his car. “I’ll call you tomorrow. I have a few things I need to look into at the clinic, but I’m still on vacation. Maybe we could do something fun together. What do you say?”

She kissed him. “I’d love it.”

“I’ll think of something, call you tomorrow.” Taking her face between his hands he gazed into her eyes. “You mean a lot to me, my Nina. Promise me you’ll call if you have a bad moment.”

“I’m not going to have bad moments, but I promise.”

He enfolded her in his arms and touched his lips to hers, a soft tender kiss. Her arms were around his neck. The kiss deepened. He ran his hands over her body, discovering the long length of her back, pulling her closer. She removed her lips from his, looked deep into his eyes and gently moved out of the embrace.

“Now, go get some sleep,” she said.

He got in the car, threw her a kiss and left. Watching him drive off she hugged herself.
I am in love with him. It’s wonderful. And it’s frightening.

Slowly she turned around and sauntered inside. She locked doors and turned off lights, thinking that she needed to talk to Sophie, her wise, levelheaded friend. Nina hoped she would know how to put words to what she felt.

Chapter 19
 

Next morning Nina slept later than usual. The sun was high in the sky when she walked to the front yard to collect the newspaper, glancing down the street at Sophie’s house. She was surprised to see her car was in the driveway. This time of day Sophie was usually at work. Nina needed to talk to her, but nine-thirty was perhaps a bit early to phone. Better wait a while; she’d shower first.

It was mid-morning when she got around to phoning Sophie. The machine picked up. “Sorry I’m not here to take your call …”

On the off-hand chance that Sophie was screening her calls, Nina spoke after the message. “Sophie, if you’re there and not busy, please pick up. I need to talk to you.”

“Yes, I’m here. What’s up, Nina.”

“Can you spare a minute? I’d like to talk to you.”

“Sure. I took the day off, had some overtime due. Come on over.”

“Thanks. I’ll be there in a few minutes.”

Nina touched her lips with gloss and left home. The street, usually serene and sleepy, looked messy today with the blue plastic recycle boxes by each driveway, put there for the city’s weekly collection.

Sophie’s front door was ajar. The neighborhood was so quiet people didn’t bother to lock their doors. After knocking, Nina entered and pulled the door closed behind her.

“Hello. Anybody home?”

“Come, Nina. I’m in the kitchen.”

Sophie sat by the table, glasses on the bridge of her nose, hair in disarray, notes strewn about the table.

“Am I interrupting something?”

“Not at all. I’m trying to balance my checkbook. A losing battle.”

Nina gave a little laugh. “I don’t even try. I get the monthly statement and adjust my balance accordingly.”

They settled on the lanai, pleasantly warm before the sun reached to bake it.

Sophie studied her, brows raised in question. “How are you, anyway? You look . I don’t know, changed. You’re glowing.”

“Maybe.” Nina faltered, not sure how to proceed, a broad smile stretching her lips.

Sophie gave her hand a little pat. “You said you wanted to talk. I’m listening.”

Nina sat on the edge of the chair. The silence grew. Her mouth was full of words she didn’t know how to speak, and she couldn’t stop smiling. “I’m in love,” she said at length, her voice low.

Sophie smiled and nodded. “Okay, dear.”

Nina opened her eyes wide, staring at Sophie. “Is that all you have to say? Okay? Aren’t you surprised? Don’t you want to know who it is, at least?”

Sophie laughed quietly. “It’s Michael, I’m sure, and no, I’m not surprised, least of all shocked. I think it’s cool. I’m serious—it couldn’t happen to nicer people.”

“How did you know? I haven’t been sure myself what I feel, so how could you guess?”

“I’m not blind. I look and observe. Since you fell off that blessed ladder Michael’s been glued to your place. If he weren’t interested in you he wouldn’t bother sticking around. And you wouldn’t let him, if he didn’t matter to you.”

“Well, yes. I guess you’re right. I saw Barry, a friend from my student days, and he said I looked different, that I must have met a man. It made me think. Then last night Michael and I talked.” She shrugged.

“Ah, I love that exotic shrug of yours. Is this what you wanted to talk about? Michael? Or is there something else?”

“Yes, there is more because it’s not that simple. I may be in love with Michael, but I shouldn’t be.”

“Really? Why shouldn’t you?”

“Many reasons; I’m not sure I’m ready for a relationship. And I’m not divorced yet.”

“The divorce is a technicality, Nina. In a month or so it will be final.” Sophie hesitated. “You may be right that you’re not ready for a relationship, but where’s the problem? Is Michael pushing you?”

“No. He even said we shouldn’t rush things.”

“There you go. Take your time. Continue seeing him. You’ll know intuitively when you’re ready.”

Nina nodded. Sophie made sense, she made it all sound so simple, and yet it wasn’t. Nina hadn’t said anything about the other reason she wanted to talk to her.

“Come on, Nina. I can tell you have more on your mind.”

“I’m so embarrassed, but I have to tell you.” Shifting in the chair she faced away from Sophie. “I haven’t been intimate with a man in a very long time. I … it’s as if I am faulty or something. Not quite normal.”

“Easy does it. Haven’t you and André made love?”

“No, not in years. And there hasn’t been anybody else.”

“Poor you. That must be tough.”

“Not really. I worked, and at the end of a day I was so tired all I wanted was sleep. I thought I didn’t need sex. After I discovered André’s affairs, closeness to a man frightened me. Still does. More so now because there’s Michael. I want him, desire him. For years, I’ve been emotionally numb. Now I see I’ve missed the stirrings of desire. I’m delighted to discover I can feel love.”

“Nonsense, Nina. You love your children.”

“For sure I do, but that’s difference. I’m talking about loving a man.”

Sophie nodded.

“I love Michael.” Nina sighed. “But I’m afraid of many things. Intimacy. Being hurt. Being inadequate. This is all so new to me.”

“Hey, Nina, you’re spooking yourself. Try living in the day, then you don’t have to worry about the future. I can understand your fear of being hurt. You’ve been through more than enough.” She patted Nina’s hand. “These are your options; either you let fear dominate you, walk away from Michael and at the end of your life, question what could have been. Or you risk it. It either works or it doesn’t, but at least you’ve given Michael and yourself a fair chance. You surprise me, I hadn’t figured you for a coward.”

“I’m trying to protect myself.”

“Right, you should.” Sophie leaned forward. “What do you want, do you know that?”

“Yes, I do. I want to live fully. I want Michael; I want gladness in my life.”

“Now you’re making sense. Michael’s offering you all this.”

“Don’t you think it’s too soon? I’m hardly rid of André, and here I go, falling in love with another man.” She smiled. “I keep repeating myself, but I need to be sure I’m not making a mistake.”

“I think you’ve lost enough time. Are you going to waste another thirty-seven years? If you were having this conversation with one of your patients, what would you tell her?”

“I’d tell her to go for it and good luck.”

“That should answer your misgivings. Does it?”

“It does. Gosh, you’re good; you should hang out your shingle.” She gazed at Sophie, dark glasses hiding her eyes.

“Tell me,” Nina said, and faltered, uncertain about bringing this up, even more unsure whether she was doing the right thing. “What about you? You’re my age and single. How do you handle it? Sex, I mean?”

Sophie shrugged. “The way most single women do—work till I drop, like you.”

“What about men?”

“AIDS has taken the fun out of one-night stands. I date occasionally, but most men aren’t worth bothering with for a second round.”

Nina was quiet, waiting for Sophie to say something more. The silence stretched.
I better get this out in the open or it’s going to stand between us. I’m too fond of Sophie to let it become an issue.

She reached to touch Sophie’s hand. “A while ago, Michael told me that you two were intimate once.”

Sophie removed her dark glasses, eyes intent on Nina’s face. “I was going to tell you, but the time never seemed right. When I saw where you were headed with him, I was afraid it would hurt you.”

“I know you would have told me eventually. Michael did it before you, that’s all.”

“How do you feel about it?”

“About you and Michael?”

Sophie nodded. “Yes.”

“I don’t see where it should concern me. It happened before I knew him. It doesn’t make any difference to the way I feel about you or Michael. You’re my dear friend and Michael … I love you both.”

Sophie’s eyes were shiny. “I’m happy for you two, for having you as a friend.”

Nina stood. “I’m glad we talked. I need to go home. Let’s see what comes of this, Michael and me.” With an arm around Sophie’s shoulders Nina pressed her cheek to Sophie’s, who responded by giving her a brief hug.

They left Sophie’s lanai together and crossed the yard to the driveway. Nina patted her arm. “Talk to you soon.”