Life on the Edge (44 page)

He embraced me and cleared his throat. “I’m pretty lucky, too.”

I slid over to Sergei and basked in his beaming smile. He pulled me close to him, and my fingertips grazed his light blue tie.

“Thank you for everything you’ve given me,” I said. “You always believed I could do this.”

“You’ve given me so much, too.” He rested his forehead against mine. “You’re my muse. I can’t tell you how much you inspire me every day.”

Our lips touched for just a moment before we parted. The closed door didn’t block out all sound, so every so often I’d hear applause, presumably when the Russians completed an element. Each sound further frayed my nerves. When the cheering became sustained, I figured the program must be over. That meant we would know our fate in approximately three minutes.

Chris gripped my hand, and we stood staring at the solid gray door. My heart beat faster than if I’d sprinted across three football fields. Sergei stood next to me, his hands in a steeple position in front of his mouth.

The doorknob twisted, and I inhaled sharply. Jackson, one of our team leaders, opened the door halfway.

“You got silver.” He gave us a closed-mouth smile. “Congratulations.”

His message didn’t register in my brain. It was as if he spoke a language I didn’t understand.

“What was the vote?” Sergei asked.

“Five to four.”

My whole body went numb.

Neither Chris nor I had moved an inch since Jackson arrived. We were two statues, but I sensed I might crumble any second.

“How did they skate?” Sergei asked.

Jackson hesitated. “They were clean.”

He didn’t say they were great or it was one of the most amazing skates he’d ever seen. That’s what I thought it would take to beat us. Not just
clean
.

“We need a few minutes,” Sergei said. “Can you keep the cameras away from here?”

Disbelief dragged me down onto the folding chair in the middle of the room. “We lost by one vote.” Shock resonated in my voice. “One vote.”

Chris still hadn’t moved. “Our program was harder,” he said, completely void of emotion.

I covered my face with my hands. “I can’t believe this.”

Sergei sat next to me and brought me into his arms. I sobbed again on his jacket, this time from overwhelming disappointment.

He caressed my hair. “You couldn’t have skated any better tonight.”

“Then why wasn’t it good enough?” Chris exclaimed. He’d awakened from the shock.

“You’re going to get a lot of questions from the media about the results,” Sergei said. “Don’t let them bait you into saying something you’ll regret later.”

There was a knock on the door, and the federation’s media relations director stuck her head inside.

“Emily and Chris need to do a few interviews before the medal ceremony.”

I dabbed at my eyes. “I have to go to the locker room for a minute.”

I hastened down the corridor, accepting congratulations along the way. The enthusiasm of the messages was noticeably muted, making me think Chris was right to question the results.

After touching up my eye makeup, I met Chris and the NBC reporter. She checked her microphone before the cameraman gave her the cue.

“We’re here with the new Olympic silver medalists, Emily Butler and Chris
Grayden
. Talk about your performance tonight. You must be pretty pleased with the way you skated.”

“Absolutely,” Chris said. “We gave it everything we had. It was the skate we’ve always dreamed of.”

My throat tightened, and I grabbed Chris’s hand. I had to answer the next question without breaking down.

The reporter tilted her head. “Your program included more difficulty than the gold medalists’ program. Do you think the judging system needs to be reevaluated to keep up with the technical advances in the sport?”

I remembered Sergei’s warning and thought before answering, “Everything’s still sinking in right now. We didn’t see anyone else skate, so we can’t comment on their programs.”

When the camera stopped rolling, we were shuttled to more anxious journalists. They posed similar questions to which we gave similar answers. Claire and Brandon were backstage, and they hugged us as we waited for the medal ceremony.

“You guys won this,” Claire said.

I shrugged, on the verge of crying yet again. “It is what it is.”

As the bronze medalists, Madeline and Damien were introduced first, filling the bottom step of the podium. Chris and I waited at the entrance to the ice, and an explosion of cheers greeted us when the announcer called our names. We congratulated Madeline and Damien and stepped up onto the second tier. My eyes slanted toward the top step, yearning to realize my unfulfilled dream.

Oksana and Denis skated to the podium and kissed both of my cheeks in European fashion. My face hurt from maintaining a forced smile. I wanted to scream, thinking of how my future had become very muddled.

The president of the International Skating Federation placed the silver medal around my neck, and I slipped the red ribbon under my hair and gazed at the heavy disc. Second place was an amazing accomplishment, and I should feel fortunate to have won any medal. There were so many skaters who would never get near an Olympic podium. But I couldn’t let go of the disappointment and sadness. They tore at my insides as I watched the three flags ascend to the rafters.

The Russian anthem played, and I looked everywhere but at the American flag, knowing it would prompt more tears. My eyes drifted to the scoreboard and the 2002 Olympic motto–“Light the Fire Within.”

I had lit the fire within me. I’d given the best performance of my life on my sport’s biggest stage. But it wasn’t enough. It wasn’t enough to win the ultimate prize.

Chapter Thirty-Seven

We went straight from the arena to the USA House and were met with a barrage of cheers and honking noisemakers. Through the crowd of people waving flags and pompoms, one face stood out, and it displayed nothing but pride–not sympathy or concern or any of the other confused looks I’d received in the past hour.

I rushed toward my father and buried my face in the familiar scratchy wool of his sweater.

“We are so, so proud of you,
Em
,” he said.

I hadn’t realized how much I needed the comfort of my father’s arms. For the first time since Jackson had uttered the words, “You got silver,” I felt some peace.

Mom reached out to me, and we clutched each other, unable to speak.

“Sweetie,” she finally said through her sniffles. “You were wonderful . . . just breathtaking.”

Bri, Trey, and Bella crowded around me for hugs. Red, white, and blue boas circled
Bri’s
and Bella’s necks, accentuating their Team USA sweatshirts.

“We went crazy after you skated,” Bri said.

“I’ve never heard my mom scream that loud before.” Bella laughed.

“She told everyone around us we were related to you,” Trey said. “As if they couldn’t guess.”

“I was excited, okay?” Aunt Debbie said. “Let’s see this Olympic medal.” She stretched the ribbon out and took the medal in her hand as my family gathered for a closer look.

Uncle Joe put his hefty arm around me. “That’s really something,
Em
.”

“It means so much to me you’re all here,” I said as my face crumpled.

Sergei had hung back, and Dad motioned him forward to our group. “Congratulations, Sergei.” Dad stuck out his hand but then pulled Sergei into a hug. “You’ve done an amazing job with
Em
and Chris.”

“Thank you. They are incredibly special.”

Mom put her hand on Sergei’s elbow. “You helped Emily achieve one of her dreams, and that makes you pretty special, too.”

I bit down on my lip, suppressing more tears. Sergei swallowed hard and tipped his head. “Thank you.”

Bella embraced me, and I held fast to her until Marley came over. She and I shared a few teary moments before Aubrey and Nick smothered me with hugs. I was pulled in all directions for congratulations and photos. Federation officials and employees, judges, former skaters, sponsors–I couldn’t keep track of all the people I talked to and posed with, displaying my medal in each picture. Some were blunter than others, expressing their dissatisfaction with the results, which didn’t help me feel any better.

The media relations director informed me Chris and I were scheduled for an appearance on the TODAY show. A van would pick us up at the Village at four in the morning. The clock neared midnight already, so we could forget about sleep.

I snagged Bella between conversations and steered her to a quiet spot. “I’m shocked my mom isn’t on a rampage about the results.”

“Oh, she was. We all were, but we saw how disappointed you looked at the medal ceremony. Your dad said not to upset you more.”

I managed a little smile. “Always the voice of reason.”

Mom approached us, buttoning her long coat. “
Em
, do you want to come to the house with us for a while? I don’t think any of us are getting any sleep tonight.”

“That sounds good. I’ll find Sergei.”

I ran into Chris and invited him, his family, and Marley to join us, but they were headed to Chris’s parents’ hotel. Once I got Sergei away from two chatty judges, we walked at a brisk pace through the icy wind to my family’s rented townhouse. As soon as we were inside, Mom put on a pot of coffee and Dad switched on the electric fireplace. Along with my coat, I took off my medal and placed it inside my purse.

“Who’s hungry?” Aunt Debbie asked.

I stayed still while everyone started for the kitchen. Sergei placed a gentle hand on the small of my back. “You should eat something.”

Aunt Debbie looked up from the refrigerator, where she removed large covered dishes. “We’ve got pasta salad, baked chicken, lasagna . . . we went a little crazy last night. The cooking helped calm our nerves.”

“I’m not really hungry,” I said.

“Have a little pasta salad,” Mom urged. “You haven’t eaten in hours.”

I raised my eyes to Sergei’s. “Can we talk first?”

Aunt Debbie paused in the middle of spooning pasta. “There’s a little office at the end of the hall if you want privacy.”

Sergei followed me and shut the door. I sank into his arms and laid my head on his shoulder. “I just wanted to be alone with you.”

I’d held myself together through the celebration at USA House, but frustration and exhaustion were now having their way with me.

“One vote,” I mumbled.

“I know that’s the only thing you’re thinking about, but I don’t want you to forget what you did tonight, how incredible it was. I saw how nervous you were in the warm-up. To overcome that and skate like you did was amazing.”

My worn out tear ducts fought against another round of weeping. “Just not amazing enough,” I whispered.

“This is only the beginning for you and Chris. You can dominate the next four years.”

“But what if you’re suspended? I can’t do it without you. I don’t want to.”

Sergei nudged me nearer to him. “I don’t want you to give up on your dream because of me.”

“You’ve become part of my dream. I want you there, working with us every day and having that gold medal moment with us,” I said, unable to stop the persistent tears.

He wrapped me in a tight cocoon and pressed his cheek to the top of my head. “It can still happen. We don’t know what the committee’s going to do.”

“Even if you’re not suspended, four years is a long time. What if I break my leg? Or Chris gets hurt? We might get to the Olympics and mess up. We had the perfect skate tonight. What if this was our best chance?”

“I can’t promise those things won’t happen. All I can tell you is if you work hard, you’ll put yourself in the best position possible.”

I toyed with the tip of his tie, rolling it around my finger. “What about you and me? Can we manage it all . . . being married, training, working together with Courtney and Mark . . .”