Lift Me Higher (15 page)

“M
onte, please, let’s not make this any harder than it already is,” Torie said.

She folded a T-shirt and placed it in the overnight bag that was open on her bed. Her flight to Atlanta was scheduled for departure in a few hours and she’d need to head out to the airport shortly. The past three days had delivered an anguish that neither of them knew how to deal with. However, their reality was one that could not be denied.

“I’m not trying to make it harder, baby. I just think we need to take the time to talk…to figure some things out.”

Monte took a pair of jeans from the laundry table and folded them. He’d been doing the kids’ laundry when, on a whim, he’d dialed Torie’s number again. He’d called a dozen times in the past few days and she’d answered only once before, speaking long enough to tell him that she didn’t feel like talking and needed some space.

“Torie, I love you,” he said now, wanting Torie to get out of her head for just a moment and into her heart. That was the part of her where he knew that he still resided.

“And you know that I love you, too, Monte. But we both realize that love’s not enough.”

“Since when? Since I canceled one trip out to see you? Come on, Torie, you’re not being fair.”

Monte dropped the jeans onto the folding table and leaned against the dryer. The anxiety he’d been feeling for the past few days was building up, threatening to explode.

“I’m not being fair? Don’t you dare say that to me, Monte. I’ve been nothing but fair and honest with you. I told you from the beginning what my fears are and you promised that you could and would do whatever it takes to make me feel like I’m not going too far with you.”

“I’m not trying to go back on that promise, Torie, but come on. Do you really think I’m not risking anything here? You’re not the only one who is scared.”

“Funny, you seemed to have all the answers a few months ago.”

Torie opened and shut dresser drawers, forgetting what she was searching for. She plopped down on the bed beside her bag and held her head in her hands.

“Torie, I don’t know everything. I just feel that, despite the pain and loss I’ve suffered through, I’ve moved on…with you.”

“You’re starting to sound like you’re regretting that.”

“Regret? Never. I don’t regret one minute that I’ve spent with you.” Monte ran his hand roughly down his face, his frustration causing him to tremble. “I don’t know Torie…maybe you were right. Maybe we rushed this. I love you and that’s all I could see, all I could think about.”

Torie’s eyes filled with tears as she braced herself to listen to the words that deep down inside she’d been expecting to hear all along.

“My boys lost their mother, the woman who gave them life and nurtured them. I thought I could love them through that.
I thought I could teach them to cherish Shawna’s memory as they grew and to move on. Maybe it was too fast for them to forget exactly what they’d lost in her. When her birthday came this year, Josiah was more upset than he’d been for the past three years. And then Josh—Anyway, I just couldn’t leave them.”

“Monte, you were right to stay with your boys. I understand that and, trust me, I’m not angry about why you canceled the trip. But it also made me realize that you and your sons have a life, a history that I am not a part of.”

“That’s just it, Torie. We have a history that had some really good times in it and ended unexpectedly. We also have a future, and I want to give them the best future possible.”

“And I want that for you all.”

“Torie, you are a part of that future—at least, I want you to be. I just think that if I’m going to ask my boys to move on, I have to know that this is permanent.”

“Permanent? What are you saying, Monte?”

Monte wished he could look into Torie’s eyes and have his fears soothed by the beauty and love that he knew rested there. He felt his nerves grow shaky and he swallowed the fear that rose in his throat, threatening to hold on to his words. He’d thought about this moment for the past three days and had worked up his courage little by little. Time had almost run out and he knew that this was the chance for him to step up.

“I’m saying that I know how hard you’ve worked to get to this point in your career, and I want you to reach that star you’ve been working toward. I want to be there by your side when you take to the red carpet or win awards.”

Torie lifted one quivering hand to her mouth.

“Torie, I want you to be a part of my and the boys’ lives for as long as God grants us. Now, I’m not asking you to take Shawna’s place—it would be unfair to everyone involved
to expect that. I’m asking you, Torie Turner, to make a commitment to me, to the boys. Will you marry me?”

“Marry…marry you?” Torie stammered.

Certainly, she’d heard him wrong. She waited for him to tell her that she had not heard what her ears thought they had.

“Yes, marry me,” he repeated.

“Monte, I…I don’t know what to say. Wow, this is…I didn’t expect this.”

“I know I didn’t exactly plan this. It should have been done in person, and I don’t have a ring or anything, but I promise you, I’ll get you one. The biggest diamond your hand can hold. Don’t worry about that,”

“No, Monte, it’s not about the ring or—Monte, this is out of left field,” Torie said.

She stood abruptly and walked away from the bed. She stopped in front of the chest of drawers in the corner of the room. She felt trapped in her own bedroom.

“Is it? Is it really that much of a shock to you? Torie, you know how I feel. I’ve been honest with you from the start. I know getting with a man who has a ready-made family wasn’t what you were looking for, but it happened. You can’t deny what we mean to each other. You love me, don’t you?”

“Yes, Monte. I do love you. I love everything about you, and I love those boys, too. But, Monte, marriage is a big deal. It’s a commitment that affects every aspect of a person’s life. I mean, it’s not something you do on the spur of the moment,” Torie said.

“I’m not asking you to marry me right now…today. I just want us to make the commitment to build this relationship up, push it forward. I want to know that we’re committed to each other…to this relationship and to doing everything in our power to make it last. We’ll work out all the details later. In a few months, when the show stops taping, you’ll come home to New York and we’ll plan. I’m sure you’ll want to have a big
wedding and that’s fine. We can do it however you want to do it. Just so long as you promise me that one day soon you’ll wear my ring and be my wife. Be a mother to my boys.”

Monte paced the room, waiting for her answer. He wished so hard that he could pull her into his arms, kiss her and love her until she had no doubts about the depth of his feelings for her.\

But Torie did understand how much love he felt, because she felt it, too. It was precisely that knowledge that made his proposal feel like a knife through her heart. She was so torn, wanting to make him happy but at the same time feeling as if she was being backed into a corner and there was no easy way out.

“Monte,” she began.

Tears sprang in Torie’s eyes. At the sound of the quaver in her voice, the smile slowly faded on Monte’s face. The tone of her voice told him that he was not going to get the answer that he’d wanted. He hadn’t even considered that possibility and was not prepared for it.

“Monte, I can’t…not right now. I can’t make that kind of a commitment to you, and it wouldn’t be fair for me to let you think we’re headed for something that I’m just not sure about yet. Monte—”

“Please, Torie. Please, just trust me, trust us. We can make this work.”

“No, Monte,” she said firmly.

Monte stumbled backward, feeling as though he’d just been punched in the gut. He struggled to get air into his lungs and fought to maintain his composure. He rubbed his jaw roughly as his mind churned with thoughts that made him feel as if he were on fire. It was more than the rejection. At that moment, he felt, as if by saying no, Torie was sealing the fate of their relationship before it really had a chance to grow. He told himself that her refusal of his proposal signified that they
were not destined to be together, not now and not ever. He wanted to cling to the notion that she would change her mind and that, in time, she’d grow to trust in their love, but he felt that his heart could not take the risk. He’d already gone too far with her and he felt that he did not have the strength to go any further without a guarantee. Besides, his boys could not take any more loss.

They hung up without any promises or demands. Monte fought the urge to dial her right back and beg her to reconsider, because doing so would take all that he had left in him.

Once the line went dead, Torie collapsed onto her bed. She sobbed uncontrollably until the well was dry. The only thought that pulled her from her position was the knowledge that she was headed home where her mother’s shoulder would be waiting for her to lean on.

“H
ey T., why don’t we grab a bite, or a drink, or whatever you’re in the mood for?” Martin said as they left the studio.

“I’m sorry, Martin, not tonight. I just want to go home, take a hot bath and get in the middle of my bed,” Torie said as she dug inside of her purse in search of her car keys.

Once she pulled them out, Martin snatched them from her hands.

“Hey, what are you doing?” she exclaimed.

“Look, Torie, enough is enough. You’ve been running that same line for the past two weeks. You’ve been moping around, keeping to yourself. This is not healthy. Now, I am not going to take no for an answer. Let’s just go down to the Grille and have a cup of coffee and talk. You’ve got to let somebody in, Torie. Please?”

Torie sighed, shaking her head in disbelief. She looked at Martin, whose eyes pleaded with her while he turned the corners of his mouth downward in a frown.

“You are too much, you know that, don’t you? Fine, Martin, one cup of coffee and then you will get off my back, or else. Now, give me back my keys. I’m driving.”

They ended up at McCullen’s, a tiny bar a few blocks from their apartment complex. Martin ordered two Stoli vodka with cranberry juice.

“Torie, I just have to tell you that you are the most amazing woman I know.”

“Oh, yeah? Well, I don’t feel very amazing these days. I’ll tell you that much.”

“You should. You are beautiful, talented and an inspiration—”

“Martin, please.”

“No, now I’m serious. I’m not just saying these things. I’m saying them because, well, I hate to see what he’s doing to you.”

“What do you know about it, Martin?” Torie asked wearily.

The bartender placed their drinks in front of them and Torie immediately scooped hers up, taking a grateful sip.

“I only know what I see. He’s there and you’re here. You’re miserable and it doesn’t have to be that way.”

“Okay, Miss Cleo, why don’t you tell me what you see in your little crystal ball or telescope to the stars or whatever it is you use to help people design their futures,” Torie said wryly.

“Are you going to be a jerk all night or are you going to listen to me?” Martin asked.

Torie studied his serious countenance for a moment, before nodding her head in concession.

“T., I’m not telling you anything that you don’t already know deep down inside. If being with Monte is causing you this much stress, is it really worth it?”

“Martin, it’s not as simple as all that. I love Monte, I really do. He’s everything a woman could want in a man and I’d be a damn fool to let him go,” Torie said emphatically.

“Okay, but answer this—once you get past all the right
reasons why you should be with him, do you ever stop to add up the numerous wrong reasons?”

“Such as?”

“Such as you have a career that is going to take you around the world and back again. You are just about to blow up and you need someone who not only understands that, but can roll with it. Monte’s got a family to care for. He’s not about to go on the road with you. And after a while, it’ll come down to you having to make a choice. I mean, I’m not saying that you can’t have your career and love, too. All I’m saying is that you need to be with someone who is of like mind and yoke.”

“So you’re saying that I should be with someone who’s in the business, too?”

“Exactly. Someone who understands what it means to submerse yourself in preparation for playing a particular character. Someone who won’t balk at attending industry events, traveling and doing guest spots on late-night television. Monte just doesn’t seem like the type.”

“Martin, you don’t even know him,” Torie replied.

Martin closed his fingers around Torie’s hand. He gave it a tight squeeze and continued to hold on to it.

“I don’t have to know him. I know you. At least, I think that over the past few months of working together, I’ve gotten to know you pretty well. Tell me that you’re happy, T., and I’ll back off,” Martin said.

Torie wanted to lie. She wanted to pretend that her heart was not breaking right at the moment she sat there talking to Martin, but it was. She hadn’t expected to fall in love and certainly hadn’t wanted to. Yet, Monte Lewis was the kind of man she’d dreamed of as a young girl fantasizing about her own personal Prince Charming. Unfortunately, she hadn’t considered that the notion of happily ever after was not a guarantee.

“I’m not happy, Martin,” Torie confessed. “I feel…
I’m confused. I’ve finally found a man who loves me unconditionally, and I feel like running away. But you’re wrong about something, Martin. It’s not Monte who’s making this difficult. It’s me. I can’t explain why, but I guess I’m just not ready. He asked me to marry him.”

Martin stared at her for a moment, before looking down into his drink.

“Wow, just like that, huh?”

“Yep. He said that he feels like if we make a solid commitment, we can work everything else out.”

“And I take it you turned him down?”

There was a hint of hopefulness in his tone that Martin didn’t bother to try to disguise.

“Yep. I hurt his feelings, and I feel like crap, but yeah, I told him that I couldn’t accept his proposal.”

“At least you were honest with him.”

“Was I really, Martin? I mean, on the one hand, I’m telling him how much I love him, but on the other…This is all just so messed up.”

Torie polished off the rest of her drink and Martin signaled for the bartender to give them another round.

“So where do things stand now?”

“I don’t even know. He doesn’t call, and when I call him, we talk about the boys, about work, but that’s about it. He’s distancing himself, I can feel it.”

“And?”

“And…and I don’t really know how I feel about that. Maybe I already knew from the outset that because our lives are so different, this thing was destined to be short-lived, anyway.”

“What’s that old saying about how some people come into your life for a reason—”

“And some for a season. Is Monte and my season really over already?”

“I think you know the answer to that,” Martin replied softly.

They sat in silence for a while, sipping their cocktails and staring into space. Torie felt like crying, but she’d already learned over the past two weeks that crying would not help matters. All it would do would be to leave her with bloodshot eyes and a headache. By the time she reached the bottom of the glass for the second time, Torie had decided that she was not going to shed another tear. It was time for her to let go and, as painful as that idea was, she realized that she was doing the best thing for both her and Monte.

Though she only felt a warm buzz from the two drinks she’d had, Torie and Martin left her car in front of McCullen’s and walked the three blocks back to their building. She didn’t want to take any chances and reasoned that she could easily pick the car up the following morning on the way back home from her jog. The night air was cool as they strolled, arm in arm. The silence between them felt comfortable and, for the first time, Torie realized what a good friend Martin had become to her. She’d been missing Lisette terribly, and even though her girl was just a phone call away, it was nice to have someone to sit next to and hold her hand while she vented.

“Martin, thank you for tonight. You really helped me a lot,” she told him.

“I don’t know how true that is, but you’re welcome. I care about you, T., and it hurts me to see you unhappy,” Martin answered.

“That’s sweet. You’re a good guy, you know that?”

Martin let his fingers touch Torie’s tentatively at first and then he closed his hand around hers. They strolled the remainder of the way in silence. They said good-night at the door to Torie’s apartment and, unbeknownst to her, Martin lingered for several minutes after Torie had shut and locked the door behind her. For Martin, the night had been a success.
His heart continued to beat rapidly from the excitement of being so close to Torie, touching her and providing her with a shoulder to cry on. He could tell that Torie had finally started to see him as more than just a colleague and friend. He’d been elevated to the status of confidant and it was just a matter of time before Torie began to see him in the light in which he saw her. He was convinced that, before long, Monte Lewis would be a distant memory, an unwanted stain on the fabric of Torie’s life. She would see that it was Martin who was better suited to give her what she needed. All he had to do was remain patient and loyal. Time would take care of the rest.