Like a Lover (11 page)

CHAPTER ELEVEN

Josh got
home at half past nine. He bypassed the sounds of people in the living room and
went up to his room. He was tired, but didn’t think he’d sleep well tonight.

Rupert had
been so cold tonight. It had felt so wrong after the intimacy of their previous
encounters. But the sex had been good despite that. Josh’s body responded to
Rupert even when his heart wasn’t in it. Josh had no idea what was going on
Rupert’s head. He wasn’t sure he wanted to know. At least he’d been able to
keep his own feelings hidden.

He was
already regretting agreeing to go to the wedding with Rupert next week. What
the hell was he thinking? He’d been trying to put some distance between them
and get their relationship back to a purely professional basis. Spending a
weekend masquerading as Rupert’s boyfriend wasn’t going to help with
that—even if technically it was a business arrangement. Josh’s feelings
for Rupert were out of control, and he wasn’t sure he’d be able to hide them
for a whole weekend.

Josh tried
to read, but he couldn’t concentrate. His mind kept going back to Rupert, so he
went back downstairs, hoping some company would take his mind off things.

“Hi.”
“Hey.”

Jez and Mac
greeted him in unison as he went into the living room. They barely glanced up
from the screen, controllers in hands as the whine of vehicles filled the room.
Jez cursed as a car in one half of the screen got blown up in the air.

“You
fucker.” He nudged Mac in the ribs. “Was it you who threw that blue shell at
me?”

“Yep.”
Mac’s character went zooming past Jez’s and over the finish line. He tossed his
controller aside and did a fist pump while Jez crossed the line in third place.

“You wanna
play?” Mac asked Josh.

“Yeah, go
on then.”
Mario Kart
sounded like the
perfect distraction. Jez moved closer to Mac to make room on the sofa for Josh.

They played
for ages. Josh totally lost himself in the game. He wasn’t as good at it as Jez
and Mac were—they played way more often than he did—but as he got a
feel for it again, he started to do better.

Mac and Jez
were insanely competitive, constantly trash-talking each other and laughing if
the other got blown up or knocked off the track. When they finally got tired of
the game and put their controllers aside, Mac put an arm around Jez and pulled
him close. Jez snuggled in with his head on Mac’s shoulder and yawned.

“I’m
knackered.”

Mac dropped
a casual kiss on the top of Jez’s head. “Yeah. Bedtime soon.”

Josh felt a
flood of longing at the easy affection between them. There had been moments when
he’d felt that with Rupert, but never for long—there was always a
distance between them that couldn’t be bridged.

“I’m tired
too. I’m gonna head up now.” Josh stood.

“Are you
all right?” Jez furrowed his brow and studied Josh in a way that made Josh want
to squirm. Jez was pretty perceptive.

“Yeah, I’m
fine. Just tired.”

“Look…
mate. I know you normally talk to Dani, but she’s away this weekend…. I just
want you to know you can talk to us too—if you wanted.”

Josh
appreciated the offer, but the
us
twisted the knife a little deeper.

“Cheers.
But I’m fine, honestly.” He forced a smile, then added, “Night. Sleep well.”

Josh
showered the scent of Rupert off his skin before bed, so when he pulled the
covers over him, all he could smell was his own shower gel. He lay on his back
and stopped fighting the loneliness that he normally kept at bay. It swept over
him like a cold grey mist, sending creeping tendrils into every corner of his
psyche. His chest ached, and he curled onto his side, hugging his pillow and staring
into the darkness. He wasn’t sure he could go on like this.

His mind
started to turn over with possibilities. Maybe he could get a different job for
his final year, manage with less money. If he was working in a bar or a shop in
his free time, it would be easier to meet someone, to have a real relationship.
He tried to imagine what it would be like. He’d have to work longer hours, but
maybe it would be worth it if he got to have someone to sleep with afterwards,
to spend time with like Jez did with Mac.

The shadowy
figure of Josh’s imaginary future boyfriend morphed and took shape in his mind.
Broad shoulders and wild red hair, a huge smile and eyes the colour of the sea.

Josh
sighed. He didn’t want some random guy. He wanted Rupert.

The next
morning, Josh woke feeling groggy. He’d slept badly and was still tired, but
once he’d woken, he couldn’t get back to sleep.

Josh got
his phone and checked his calendar. He’d booked in Michael for next Saturday,
so he emailed to cancel, apologising and claiming a family commitment. Michael
knew nothing about Josh’s background, so he wouldn’t know any different.

Next he
checked his emails and found he had a few unanswered ones from clients. He’d
been spending so much of his time with Rupert recently, he’d been neglecting
the others. What with Rupert and his exams, it had been a few weeks since Josh
had seen anyone else.

Philip
wanted to know if Josh was free on Thursday night, because he was in town on
business again. Josh also had an enquiry from a potential new client asking
about his general availability. He replied to the new guy first, telling him he
was very busy for the next couple of weeks but that he’d get back to him. Then
he pulled up Philip’s message again. He hesitated for a few moments before
typing
Sorry, I can’t do this week
.
And then he pressed Send.

He didn’t
give a reason. Philip wouldn’t expect one. He had never pried into Josh’s
private life, just as Josh never asked about his.

He flopped
back on his bed and rubbed his eyes. He should have said yes to Philip and the
new guy. Now term was over, Josh had plenty of time on his hands and he could
see clients every day if he wanted to. But he couldn’t face the thought of it.
He didn’t want to have sex with anyone apart from Rupert.

“I’m so
fucked,” he muttered in frustration.

Once this
stupid wedding weekend was over, he was going to have to sort his head out. If
he couldn’t deal with his feelings for Rupert then he was going to have to stop
seeing him. He couldn’t afford to be feeling this way, not when he had another
year of uni to get through before he could look for a full-time job. Even then
he had to hope he could find something good enough to live on, otherwise he’d
be stuck fucking and sucking for money till he was old and grey. He chuckled
mirthlessly at the thought.

Dani came
and sat on Josh’s bed while he packed on Thursday night.

“Are you
sure this is a good idea?” she asked for what felt like the hundredth time.

“No,” he
replied honestly. “It’s probably a stupid idea, but he’s already paid me.” Josh
had checked his bank account earlier and found the money already in his
account. “Anyway, I’m not going to cancel on him now. That would be a shitty
thing to do.”

Rupert
obviously didn’t have an easy relationship with his mother and soon-to-be
stepfather. If Rupert wanted Josh for moral support, then Josh wasn’t going to
let him down.

“But once
this weekend is over, I’m going to try and stop seeing him, or maybe cut him
down to once a fortnight or something.”

“Can you
afford to?”

“Yeah. I
have plenty of other clients to fill the gap.”

Dani
snorted. “That’s what she said.”

“Oh fuck
off.” Josh threw a pair of balled-up socks at her, but he laughed too. “Now…
which tie should I wear with the suit?”

Josh had
got Dani to go shopping with him to help choose a suit for the wedding as he
didn’t have anything appropriate to wear. He’d gone for a classic slate grey
that would do for job interviews next year. He’d also chosen a couple of
different ties and was still undecided which looked best.

“The green
one. It looks great with your eyes,” Dani said.

“Okay.” The
green tie went in the case. “And what should I pack for Friday night? Rupert
said smart casual for dinner. But that will be the first time I meet his
mother, so I want to make a good impression. I was thinking black trousers and
a shirt, but no tie. I button it high enough, it will cover my tattoos.”

“Sounds
good. Which shirt?”

Josh got
out a couple of choices from his wardrobe: a plain greyish blue and a white one
with a bird print in grey, black, and blue. He held them up for Dani’s opinion.

“The one
with the birds on,” she said decisively. “Plain colour with the black trousers
looks too much like a uniform, and I really like that one.”

“You don’t
think it’s too… I don’t know. Too bold?”

“Josh, you
need bold. You look unconventional, no matter how much you dress up. That shirt
suits your style. Are you keeping your piercings in?”

“Yeah.
Rupert didn’t say anything about it, so I’m assuming it’s fine. If he wanted a
date without holes in their face, then he should have hired someone different.”

Rupert
picked Josh up at noon on Friday. Josh was waiting in the living room with his
case. Jez was in there too—he’d been pumping Josh for information all
morning. Josh had finally relented and told him about the wedding, but not that
he was being paid to go with Rupert. So of course Jez now assumed Rupert and
Josh were serious, and he was desperate to catch a glimpse of him.

Jez went to
the window and peeked through the net curtains. “Ooh, your mystery man’s hot,
Josh. Very nice indeed.”

Josh picked
up his suitcase and went to open the door.

“Hi,” he
greeted Rupert.

Rupert
leaned in for a kiss, and something in Josh relaxed a little. He was glad they
seemed to have got past the awkwardness of their last meeting. He couldn’t
handle a whole weekend of skirting around each other. If he was going to play
the role of Rupert’s boyfriend convincingly, they’d need to be okay with
touching each other when they weren’t fucking. Josh put his case down, so he
could put his hand on Rupert’s waist, and he kissed him back.

When they
separated, Rupert glanced sideways at the front bay window. “Did you know your
housemate is spying on us?”

“Yeah.
That’s Jez. He thinks you’re my new boyfriend, and he’s excessively invested in
our relationship.” Josh glared at Jez, who grinned unrepentantly and waved.

Rupert’s
smile faltered a little. “Are you ready to leave?”

“Yes.”

“Let me
take that.” He took Josh’s case before Josh could object and carried it over to
his car.

“Nice
wheels,” Josh said as Rupert opened the boot of a shiny silver Golf. According
to the plates, it was only a year old.

“Thanks.”
Rupert rearranged his own luggage before sliding Josh’s case in.

Josh got in
the passenger side, and Rupert slid into the driver’s seat and then started the
engine.

“Put some
music on if you want,” Rupert said.

Josh
started scrolling through Rupert’s iPod to find something he fancied. “Any
requests?”

“I don’t
mind. You can choose.”

Josh
scrolled through by artists, but didn’t make it past
A
because he found the Arctic Monkeys and settled on that.

“This is
good driving music, I reckon.”

“Oh yeah.
Nice choice.”

They sat in
silence for a while. Josh pushed his seat back a little more so he could
stretch his legs out, and adjusted the air con to get some cold air on his
face. It was hot today and the sun was blazing. He watched the houses and
streets of Plymouth pass by and listened to the beat of the music and the purr
of the engine. When they joined the dual carriageway, the views changed to
green fields and occasional patches of woodland as they drove through Devon
towards Exeter.

“So,” Josh
said eventually. “Is there anything I need to know? You’ve told me about your
mother and her fiancé—Charles, is it?” Rupert nodded. “Is there anyone
else significant I should know about?”

“Not
really. I don’t have any brothers or sisters. The only other relatives will be
my aunt and uncle, but I hardly know them. I haven’t seen them since my dad’s
funeral. They have two teenage kids, so I suppose they’ll be there. But again,
I’m not close to them.

“It’s
mostly going to be my mother and Charles’s cronies—friends from her gym,
and from the committees she’s involved in, along with some of his colleagues. I
expect there’ll be a few older friends who knew my father too, but she hadn’t
kept in touch with many of them. My godparents will definitely be coming,
though. Bill and Justine.”