Lion And The Falcon (Furry United Coalition) (8 page)

“
And this conversation is veering way off track.” As if to punctuate her discomfort, Clarice poured on the gas. The car shot forward and executed a ninety-degree turn that sent him sliding. Bracing himself, he waited until she’d weaved through some traffic, without scratching his not-yet-paid-for Audi, before resuming the conversation on a different track.

“I see you know how to handle yourself behind the wheel. Did you have dreams of being a race car driver when young?”

“No, but I do love speed. Since I can’t afford a beauty like this, I settled for a bike.”

“You know, had I known you would be willing to drive while I slept, I would have offered you a lift.”

“
Luxury ride or not, I am not doing this because I want to. Stolen bike, remember?”

“
I recall, and here I thought you followed me because you couldn’t resist my charm.”

“
Anyone ever tell you that you’re full of yourself?”

“Not exactly. Usually they’re full of me and asking for more.”
No mistaking the high spots of color in her cheeks or the subtle musky scent signaling her interest—erotic interest. What he couldn’t decipher was why it elated him. She still wasn’t his type. Tell that to his stirring cock, though.

“You know
, I’m beginning to wish I’d not interrupted those two broads accosting you,” she snapped.

“Speaking of whom, I wonder who they were.”
A sniff of his clothing and he sighed. “The tigers again, I see. They really are persistent.”

“So they weren’t joking? They were trying to kidnap you to, uh—
” The stain in her cheeks heightened.

“Seduce my body?
Ravish me? Yes. They’ve been trying for months. My mother’s promised a prize to whoever can present her with the first grandchild.”

“You’re kidding!”

“I wish. Since I wouldn’t behave like a good lion of the pride and settle down with a harem of her choice, my mother took it upon herself to make me into somewhat of a challenge.” Even thought he could only see her face from the side, he noticed how her jaw dropped. “Oh don’t look so horrified. It has its advantages. I never pay for drinks anymore when I go out. Never lack for female companionship, and except for the occasional kidnapping attempt, have kept in shape evading the determined felines after me.”

“
And I thought I had problems,” she muttered.

“It’s not so bad. Th
ose tigresses just caught me off guard.” Probably because his mind was preoccupied with another female, but she didn’t need to know that.

“
Did I hear you correctly when you said you’re expected to settle with a harem, as in more than one girl?”

“Again, my mother’s old fashioned idea. She seems to think because I’m her only son that I should
mate with a few ladies, spread my seed, and father as many cubs as possible.”

“You don’t sound like you agree.”

“I don’t. See, I’m also old fashioned. I told her I was waiting for love. Needless to say, that didn’t go over well and has led to her increasing attempts at getting her way.”

“That’s sick.”

“To an outsider, perhaps, but that’s pride politics for you. Enough of my love life and mother, which I’m the first to admit should never belong together in the same sentence. Let’s talk about you. Surely your mother has admonished you to settle down and nest or whatever it is you bird types do.”

“One, I don’t have a mother to bug me. And two, falcons mate for life. Something I’m not ready for.” He heard the unspoken ever.

“No mother? Must be nice.”

“Not really. Aerie orphanages aren’t the nicest place to grow up.”

Nolan wanted to punch himself when he realized how insensitive he sounded. He tried to apologize. “I didn’t mean it that way. I mean, I’m sorry you lost your mom. It’s just having spent my life trying to avoid mine, who is a tad too involved, it sounds kind of peaceful.”

“Overbearing or not, at least you ha
ve someone looking out for you.” And with that, she slammed to a stop, and having forgotten to put on a seat belt, Nolan’s already sore head smacked into the back of the passenger seat. Ow.

Rubbing his forehead, he heard her exit his car without so much as a
sorry, or a sympathetic look. How refreshing. He also got a great view of her butt, which filled out her pants quite pleasantly, but didn’t entirely make up for her personality. Of all the women to get stuck with, he got the one who treated him as if he didn’t matter.
I’m not asking for much. A kiss for my booboo. A come-hither smile. Her screaming my name, begging for more.
Given she never looked back, he doubted he’d get any of those things.

Lioning it up, he leaned between the seats, pulled a spare
necktie from out of the glove box, wrapped it around his neck in record time, and departed his car to find himself in front of a trim bungalow. Single story, covered in faded yellow clapboard, where it lacked the white picket fence, scraggly boxwoods ringed the front yard instead.

Of Clarice, he didn’t see a sign
, but he did note the nondescript sedan in the driveway parked beside the VW bug, the daughter’s car ,he presumed, the poor soul who’d found her mother’s remains.

Assuming
everyone was inside, Nolan followed the walkway, noting the missing heads on the towering sunflowers, the seeds scattered about on the cement slabs leading up to the front door. Given it was already slightly ajar, he didn’t bother to knock.

Upon entering
the tidy home, Agnes’ familiar scent enveloped him, and a pang of sadness struck. What a shame about her untimely demise. He had quite liked the older matron, who despite her toad heritage and trademark croaky voice, treated him like a normal human being–—and made the best cookies. At least by moving the operation from the brownstone, they hopefully wouldn’t have to worry about any other of his staff becoming victims of the patients on the loose.

In search of Clarice and the other FUC agents, h
e stuck his head through an archway and noted a simply furnished, yet comfortable-looking living room with a worn, flower patterned sofa and an armchair whose headrest bore a crocheted doily. Nobody here. He kept going up the hall to where he could hear the murmur of voices and from whence wafted the coppery stench of blood.

Nothing could have
prepared him for what he found in the kitchen. “Good grief, what happened here?”

E
yes dark and her lips twisted in anger, Clarice turned to face him. “Seriously? What’s it look like happened, Sylvester?”

“Looks like a travesty,” he moaned as he took in the
blood-splattered walls along with the chunks of meat and bone tossed about the place.

The FUC agent, a snake by the name of Peter, looked a little greener than usual.
He also held a big handkerchief up to his red nose. He sniffled wetly, and Nolan held in a shudder of distaste. Someone obviously had a cold.

The agent
shook his head sadly. “Hey, doc. Thanks for coming.”

“Of course. I came as soon as I got the call.” Nolan ignored Clarice’s derisive sound.

Sweeping out his hands, Peter wheezed as he said, “This is what the daughter found when she came looking for her mother. Needless to say, she’s hysterical. Can’t say as I blame her. Who would do such a horrible thing?”

“
I don’t know, but they definitely need lessons in taste. Don’t they know HP sauce should never be used as a dipping sauce? The shame of it,” Nolan lamented.

“Doc!”
Clarice’s blue eyes widened along with Peter’s.

“What? What’s the problem?”
Nolan truly didn’t understand their horror.

“This is a crime scene. Have a
little respect.”

“Yes, it’s a crime, a
crime to coat perfectly good buffalo ribs with an over the counter steak sauce. Or am I the only one with a sense of smell here?”

Peter sniffled. “I have a cold and can’t smell a thing.”

And Clarice, as a bird, possessed a poor sense of smell to begin with. But Nolan couldn’t resist bugging them a little. “Oh come on, don’t tell me you all actually thought these hunks of beef belonged to Agnes?”

Judging by the shifting eyes and feet, they did. Nolan
, however, a great weight easing from his shoulders, smiled. Clarice peered around and even knelt to the floor to turn over a hunk of flesh with the bone still attached. She snorted. “Dammit. The cat might have gone about saying it wrong, but he’s right. These aren’t human remains.”

“But the blood…
the mess…” Peter pointed to the splatters.

“
Barbecue sauce and rib juice. By all appearances, Agnes brought home some meat from the butcher.” Nolan pointed to the stained brown paper under the kitchen table. “For whatever reason, she stepped out and someone broke in. Someone hungry and with no table manners.” He sniffed and frowned. Many odors crowded the space; serpentine, amphibian, buttery popcorn, his own, and Clarice’s, but under all that, he sensed another. The alien musk held hints of familiarity, but at the same time, seemed wrong. Very wrong to his finely tuned olfactory ability. “I can’t be sure, but judging by the odd scent, I’ll wager it was one of our escaped patients. For whatever reason, whoever broke in had themselves a feast, or a food fight. Whatever they did, they sure left a mess.”

“Which the daughter came across when she
popped in to visit her mother.”

“Where is the daughter?” Nolan asked.

“In the bedroom. We thought it best to remove her from the scene of the crime.”

“Someone needs to tell her the good news.” Given the way Peter and Clarice
feigned interest in the walls and floor, it seemed clear who they thought should get the job.
Well, at least I have something positive to relay.
Nolan headed back out to the hall and after a little searching, found a closed door from whence came soft sobbing. He walked in and found a slightly younger version of Agnes sniffling on a bed covered in a flowered quilt.

“
I’m sorry, I didn’t get your name from the FUC agent outside, but I’m Dr. Manners.”

“A doctor? Fat lot of good that does with my mother in—in—pieces,” wailed
Agnes’ daughter with a bullfrog bellow.

“
Yes, about that mess you found. False alarm. Your mother isn’t dead.”

“Not dead?” The daughter blinked her large
, bulbous eyes. “But I saw the body.”

“N
o, you saw chunks of meat. However, they don’t belong to your mother. Now…” He paused as if prompting her.

“Patricia.”

“Lovely name, Patricia.” He poured on the charm and she relaxed, even giving him a tremulous smile in reply. “Let me ask, do you have a cell phone, Patricia?”

“Yes. Of course. Why?”

“Please dial your mother.”

As if on
autopilot, Agnes’ daughter pulled out her cellphone and hit a button. Nolan heard it ring once, then twice before Agnes answered with her customary brusque, “What?”

“Mother! Where the hell are you?” croaked
Patricia.

“Having a beer at the tavern, why?”

“You’re in a bar?”

“Ain’t I allowed a drink
?”

“But we were supposed to have dinner.”

“Tomorrow.”

“No
, today.”

“No
, tomorrow. I have it marked on my calendar.”

When it looked like Patricia would keep arguing, Nolan held out his hand.
“Do you mind if I speak to your mother for a moment?” Patricia slapped the device into his hand, her tears completely dry, her lips pursed in annoyance with her no longer dead mother. “Agnes, this is Dr. Manners. So sorry to disturb you.”

“D
r. Manners? Why are you on Patricia’s phone? What are you doing with my daughter? Or should I say, what have you done? My Patty is a good girl. I won’t have you breaking her heart.”

Casting a glance over at the now simmering
Patricia with her frizzy hair, sallow complexion and thin-lipped scowl, he held in a shudder. “I assure you, it’s not what you think. It seems there was bit of a mix up at your house. Someone broke in and made a bit of a mess, scaring your lovely daughter.”

“Is she okay?” Matronly concern overla
id her previous, suspicious tone.

“She’
s fine, just a little shaken up, but happy to know you’re safe. She had a bit of scare when she came over and found your kitchen in a mess. We all had a bit of a fright until we determined you weren’t harmed.”

A
long-suffering sigh left the matron. “Oh bloody hell. I’ll never hear the end of it. I take it whatever mess is in my house will be cleaned by FUC?”

“I’ll make sure of it myself.”

“See if you can’t get them to paint while you’re at it. I hate the peach-colored walls. Something in a soothing mauve would be nice.”

“I’ll see what I can do.
Needless to say, we’re going to need you to stay somewhere else for a while.”