Little Cat (2 page)

I was dancing at a party in someone’s basement when I was in high school. We were all drinking when it happened. I remember how my body felt thickened with juice. Only my breasts felt alive then, thrust out from my chest. They felt so good that I was jumping! I was gulping drink after drink, and all I wanted to do was move like that, feel my flesh shaking loose on my bones, my arms in the air. I started to push my tits into all those dancing people. I laugh at myself when I think of that night. See, I ended up going to the bathroom with this guy. I don’t exactly remember how we got there but I think he pulled me out of the crowd. I remember he said:
I was watching you dance.

It was dark in the bathroom and it smelled like a wet plant. The door was locked. I really had to go pee but this guy was pressing me down by the shoulders until I was on my knees. The bones in my back pressed against the slick side of the toilet. That guy was pulling down his pants and he was holding my head with one hand so I wouldn’t move. He was calling my name but he was so far above me. I felt all this hair at my mouth. I didn’t think
that
was what it would feel like. He held himself and his body got bigger in my face. His hips started rocking. His thing that had no hair pushed into my lips. It was there on my tongue like a water balloon. My mouth had to really open. I wanted him to stop moving, just let me feel it for a second, just let me feel what it was like. But he slid it in my mouth until it felt too deep. I had to open my jaw and it hurt. I was ready for it to stop. But he was too tight with his hand on the back of my head. He kept horsing the thing and his hips in my face.

‘Please, please, please,’ he moaned. He sounded like a girl.

I started moaning too. I heard myself gag.

Then this strange sour cream flew into my throat, the guy’s grip went slack on the back of my head. I quickly yanked away and looked up. There was this flash where I saw his head reeling. But I knew he was happy, he kept saying my name, saying
yes
saying
yes
…

I sprang off my knees and I ran out of the bathroom. I ran up the stairs and ran out of the house. I was running and wiping that cream off my face. Racing home so fast that what I’d just done made itself known everywhere in my body. My heart felt like a twisted muscle.

I think I kept running after that night, I mean running to and from men. I only wanted to do things with them once. See, this is what I was trying to say to you right at the beginning, I mean why you’d probably call me a slut: because I started having sex all the time, just one time. I wanted to know what would happen with another guy and another guy when I was down on my knees, with a pulsing water balloon in my mouth. I started getting good at what I was doing too. I mean, hearing guys above me groaning, just like they were dying. I sucked everything coming through them; I sucked them to feel sex right in my mouth. Sucking their cocks for this feeling, too, but all the stuff that they were doing to me didn’t ever really feel like it was happening in my body. It’s what I was saying before – something was getting stuck inside me. Like the pleasure I was feeling was sticking up my throat, buzzing through my ribs. And when I swallowed, it was like there was this big pile of people at the bottom of me, all their limbs shooting out. I think I kept sucking dicks like crazy because I wanted so badly to plow through.

Something did burst for me eventually. I mean, I’d been fucking so much, always trying to feel myself more, and I think I fell in love. It’s hard for me to say that. Are you surprised to hear me say it too? You probably think that sluts don’t love. It’s true in a way, you know, sluts don’t love. But they can love flesh, so I guess they fall in love from having sex. Well, some girls can, I guess. I think I got more fucked up falling so hard for some guy through sex because I didn’t know how to suck a cock that I thought I was in love with. Trying to love this one felt like I had to jump in the centre of that twisted mound of people.

If I back up for a second, I’ll tell you more, because I want you to understand. See, through all my sucking and fucking, I thought that men’s hearts were in their cocks. I mean, that their cocks were the way that they loved. And so I was feeling their hearts by sucking them. This is the real beginning of what I wanted to tell you about.

When I met that one guy who I fell in love with, I sucked his cock better than I’d ever sucked anyone’s before. I lay my head on his stomach and I put him into me endlessly. It was simple at first, because I finally felt like what I was doing with my body was right: I had all this longing for sucking the life out of men, and now here was a life that I finally wanted.

But you know what happened? This guy didn’t notice. I mean, I was sucking his heart the best that I could and he didn’t even care! It wasn’t like I expected him to fall in love with me because of my sucking. I know you probably think that I think that and so you think right away I’m a fool – but all I’m really asking right now is: how do you have sex with someone you’re in love with?

I couldn’t look this man in the eyes. When we fucked I looked down at his cock coming in. I looked there so hard my sight blurred. His cock poked and pressed into the place where I wanted to feel myself most, but all I felt like doing was crying after sex because somehow I knew I was letting slip what I couldn’t even see. I mean that the feeling I wanted was slipping away without my even feeling it. I was fucking and fucking him and nothing was staying. I always came back to this guy’s body for more, to grab what I felt that I already missed.

I bet if you could’ve cut me in half right then, you would’ve been able to see what was making me cry. Do you believe me? Has this ever happened to you? The feeling that you’re sprouting something so disgusting and it only comes out around the person you are in love with? I wish I could explain this even more to you but I’d have to squeeze you up and throw you back into my body when I was feeling this way. I swear you’d never have come out of me alive! It was like there were these tight, pimpled lumps in my stomach. I had flushed cheeks on the outside, but I was rotting on the inside. I was trying to love this person who didn’t love me back. That man had some kind of lust for me, sure, but I knew it wasn’t serious. I was just a puppet sucking his dick – one who would’ve split open her tongue to serve him better!

Maybe you can already see it so perfectly, how everything I thought was so wrong – how this was not love, how I was perverting the word by even calling what I was doing that. But I just had no experience with this kind of thing. Go ahead if you want, be disgusted with me. I know it must look bad. Having sex with this guy turned into a nightmare, it became the very worst that it had ever been for me. I couldn’t stop sucking, I couldn’t relax. My body was rigid. My lips didn’t kiss. Sex with this guy was like digging a hole. I was watching us do it, watching us dig. And I wanted more of it and more of it until I thought I could see our dark holes matching up. It was leg striking leg, it was cock into cunt. I was so deep in the mud with this guy that I knew: we are the same. But I thought the man didn’t see that! He didn’t understand. And so I couldn’t do a thing. I couldn’t talk, I couldn’t fuck and I couldn’t run away.

I guess this is why I’m telling you this story. I want you to understand. Please, stay with me right now. I will tell you everything that happened. My mouth works like a deep, deep ditch – there’s always more, one inch deeper. Please trust me, please. I’ll tell it all. Just stay with me here for a little while longer.

It all started with me and that guy at a club. I remember seeing him across the room. His eyebrows were thick, all in one line. He was watching me dance and it made my stomach stir. This guy looked as strong as a bull. I started moving over to him. The music was so loud that my whole body vibrated. As I got closer and closer to this guy’s chest I thought I wanted to marry him. I swear I’d never felt it before like that, that I wanted to be near to a man, barely moving, forever. My head reached his chin. Our bodies were almost rubbing. I felt like a lioness under her king. I wanted to look up and lick him, clean him and stroke him. I am saying that the very first time I met this man, his body made me feel like I was near it for a reason, that I was living how I was born to be living.

Of course me and the guy got together that first night. I thought that there was a branch that was burning between his legs and it filled my mouth, every inch of me, with fury. There was practically nothing left when he was inside me. I sucked and I squeezed my throat muscles, I kissed and rubbed his flesh with my red-hot insides. I wanted his white-hot expulsion to drip down my throat. When he was inside me the very first time, I had the feeling that a real person was finally inside me.

But I didn’t know how to get what I usually got from a man. I wanted to be having sex with this guy even more, all the time. And I didn’t know how to make it happen. I thought about him in my bed, on the street, it didn’t matter. I stopped thinking about everybody else. I was paralyzed. What was playing so clear in my head – my face at his stomach, my mouth on his cock, sucking and staying so near to his skin – this kind of vision was swelling me up and then when I saw him I clenched like a fist.

All he wanted was sex from my mouth. Then sometimes we did it me up on top of him moving too fast, and sometimes we did it him pushing behind me, me arching my back, my face in the bed. My whole body ached like this thing that could crack. My heart was a bargain-priced dim plate of glass.

I knew for sure that things were really going to hurt me the first time we did it, sex in my ass. The guy had told me that he’d wanted to do that with me ever since he first saw me. My ass is kind of plump and it moves in circles when I fuck. I was always scared of having sex there because men usually hurt me when they put their fingers in there. I swear, I thought that if I let this guy do it to me in the ass I’d be this open-assed dog howling forever! I mean, I knew I was in for some kind of trouble that night because I’d been dancing up close to other guys at the club.

‘You’re a slut,’ the guy said when we got back to his place.

‘I’m sorry. Come on. It was nothing. Look, I’m sorry.’

‘You saying sorry means nothing to me.’

I don’t remember what I tried to say next. His voice was so mean. I remember him unbuckling his belt. It slithered between his palms. The guy got so livid, his eye whites turned red.

‘Take off your dress and your underwear,’ he said.

‘Come on, don’t.’

‘Do it.’

‘I can’t.’

‘Do it.’

He’d backed me up against the door. There was a lump in my throat that was going to burst. My teeth were clenched. I didn’t want the guy to see me cry. So I started slowly taking off my clothes. He was so close to me. He was looking all over. I was cradling my body with my arms trying to hide myself.

‘Please,’ I was begging. ‘Don’t.’

‘I’ve had it from you.’

For some reason we both knew what kind of thing was going on between us. He was seething and I was making these pressed-together cries. His hands took my wrists and he dragged me into the living room. Then he reached under my arms, gripped me like a child and pretty much forced me down on a chair on top of him. I was hanging like a dishrag over his thighs. I made my whole body go as limp as it could on his legs. I was shivering, afraid I was going to piss. My stomach was pressing into his knees. He tore down my underwear. My ass felt huge and cold. It was right there for him. The belt was whipping above me like a flame.

‘Don’t hurt me! Please!’ I was choking and trying to kick back or shimmy my legs. My underwear was not all the way down. My underwear made me hog-tied.

The man let the belt crack down on my ass. It was like a magician cutting through a lady’s neck. I froze. I really froze. And I heard myself cry. But it didn’t feel like I was making real noise. I wanted to tell the man to stop it. I wanted to tell him to put his tongue on my ass, to put it right where it hurt. He kept whipping my big white behind with that belt. I humped on his knee trying to get away.

‘Stop!’

I was stuck.

‘Please!’

I squeezed my eyes. My fingers, my toes were spasming like fish.

The man pushed me off him and onto the floor. I was wobbling there, a runt, on my hands and my knees. My ass cheeks were naked, all tilted up. I tried to look back at him through teary fuzzy eyes. We were in the middle of the living room. His house. His
TV
. His books. His rules. The guy was looming over me. My hand went down between my thighs. I was trying so hard to hold myself in. I didn’t know why I was wet.

Suddenly the guy reached down for my hair. He grabbed it and pulled me like the runt that I was down the hallway. We stopped at the mirror beside his bedroom. When I saw myself I started breathing so fast. My cheeks were bright red. My eyes were running black.

‘God. God. God. Everything hurts … ’

I think the guy must’ve felt sorry for me right then. He sank down to his knees behind me. For one second I saw his face and he was looking at what he did to my ass. Then he moved his mouth down there. He put his lips right where he’d hit. It was making more heat burn all over my skin. The side of my face was pressed up against the mirror.

Then, without letting go of my ass, he lay on his back underneath my thighs. He brought his face up toward my pussy and he pulled me by the hips down to him. It was the first time that he’d ever done that. It felt too good, his lips kissing near my clit, his tongue coming out, his whole head moving, he was doing it so fast. I’d never felt myself move like that. I was moving so fast in time to him. I couldn’t control myself. I was buzzing all over, it was leaving from my throat. Then still too fast, the guy slid out from under me. I couldn’t feel his lips anymore. I wanted more. He was up there behind me. We were still in the hallway. I could smell the kitchen and his bed. The guy’s hard body pushed up against my ass. He was rubbing the head of his cock on my asshole and gripping my hips. I was rocking into him and he thought that I wanted it, but I just couldn’t stop it, my hot ass moving in circles and circles. Inside my throat the buzzing was just getting louder. I thought I was screaming:
No! No! No!