Little Cat (3 page)

‘It’s okay,’ the guy said. ‘Shhhh!’

My elbows weakened. My mouth touched the floor. My ass moved up in the air like a dog’s. It felt like the buzzing mass in my throat was going to fall, smear the ground with something thick. The guy was spreading my cheeks. He wasn’t going to stop. I felt the air blow over my asshole. My cunt was getting so big underneath.

‘That’s it, shake your ass.’

A weird grunt raced out of my throat. I knew he could see me.

‘Just wait! Wait! Please!’

‘Shhhhhh! Let me do it.’

I was shaking my head side to side. I felt the belt slaps on my ass spark like wires.

‘Wait!’

My ass was starting to let in his cock. It was unbearable, stinging so deep.

‘Careful, careful, careful, please!’

‘Shhhhhh!’

He leaned his face toward me, he breathed through my ears. His cock was burning the walls of my ass. I was stuffed like that to the end of all ends. My teeth on the floor. Him scraping my hole, slow in and out, my muscles were ripping, he kept pumping and pumping. I tried to move out. I was suspended like that. A rabbit stuck in a wolf’s mouth. I was hanging and I kept wanting him to fuck me, but I knew he had to stop. I thought he was going to kill me like that. I don’t know, maybe if he had said something then, like:
I know how you like it, I know that you like this
… But the way that he fucked me, just that, in and out, all I could think of was how was I going to take pleasure?

Well, it went on like that between me and this man. All the time I kept doing it, all the time asking how. I was scraped out, teetering on one tiny line, loving him, sucking him. I just kept on. Having sex where I felt like I was drowning and he was floating over me with a life jacket laughing. It was like I heard him thinking every time we fucked:

I will never love you or your sex.

I will never love you or your sex.

I will never love you or your sex.

I’m embarrassed to tell you what happened next. I know I must really look like a fool now. It’s not easy for me to tell you what I’m going to tell you, but I can’t skip this part. Please wait, understand: I was trying to see if I could love a man! Just wait. Please. I want you to stay with me until it’s all over.

I’d been out dancing at a club with some friends this one night and I decided to go over to the guy’s place afterward. I’d never done that before. I mean, I always waited for him to call me. I guess it wasn’t the best idea, because I’d been drinking a bit, and there I was, ringing his buzzer over and over. When he let me in, I remember I was hopping around in the elevator because I was so excited to see him. I felt a line of sweat around my hairline. My hips were still shaking and my throat was all hot.

The guy’s door was open for me when I got up to his place. I went rushing down the hallway toward the bedroom because I heard some banging there. He was looking in one of his drawers. His back was toward me and I started dancing for him. I was just happy, you know, still reeling. I must’ve been dancing for at least a minute when I stopped. I stopped because I saw how his eyes were. He wasn’t moving. He had the worst look on his face. I didn’t know what to say. I was going to say it, I wanted to say it: I love you I love you I love only you! But I couldn’t say a thing. The guy was pursing his lips like he was going to spit in my face. I heard saliva collecting in his mouth and all I could do was stand there. He was coming toward me like that, bull’s-eye. I felt my lips opening up. I thought for a second it would turn into sex. I knew that I would’ve done anything for him right then. But the guy crooked his arm round the back of my neck. He widened my lips with his fingers and stuck his thumb down. I started gagging. He pushed in another finger and hooked it hard at the roof of my mouth. I tried to bite down but my teeth had lost their ridges.

‘Is this what you want?’ the guy finally said.

My neck got all knotted. My stomach started bubbling. I had no idea what he meant. I wanted to love him! I didn’t want this. Then his knee hit my groin. I fell to the floor. The bones of my legs thudded like wood. I slumped over my breasts and coughed up his fingers.

Then the man’s palms started flashing in front of my eyes. I heard myself scream but all I was doing was choking. He pushed me down more. He smacked both my cheeks. My back bones were rubbing against the floor. He pinned my wrists and he spread me. I felt his knuckles at my thighs.

I tried to lift my head up but the guy was slapping my cunt. I could barely see, I was squinting and I was trying so hard to squeeze my thighs shut. I wanted to make myself go toward the smacking because I thought it wouldn’t hurt as much if I could go closer and closer. I felt my lips move. It was wet underneath me. The man didn’t stop coming over me, coming closer. I didn’t know if he was hitting me or fucking me or what.

But the next thing I knew the man’s face was hovering over my head. He had his palms on both sides of my skull. It felt like he was scraping my forehead with a rock, digging hot pits in the bones of my face. I felt my body falling through the floor …

‘Open your eyes!’ he yelled.

I tried and I tried but my sockets were filled. ‘I can’t, I can’t … ’

Are you still there? Can you see me? Look! Please look. My legs, were they spreading? I didn’t know how to move. I thought that the man was still on top of me pounding. I didn’t know, I couldn’t look but I thought he was still there above me, still coming … I kept fixing on to that hook that he gave me: his finger down my throat, the hook that we were fucking, I kept fixing on it, fixing on it. I wanted to get out so bad …

‘Come on, girl! Come on, open your eyes!’

I heard my own voice in my head. It was speaking too loud: You wouldn’t be here if you hadn’t wanted more. You’re lying flat like a corpse on the ground. Your throat’s running open from sucking the cocks of all men. Your body is ripped into so many pieces. All you can do is scavenge yourself like a crow.

Listen to yourself, still talking! You haven’t stopped saying bad words and thinking bad things ever since your first time. If you can ever suck someone without looking for his love, you’ll stop running like a slut all lost for your cunt. Look at you. Look. Your temples are burning! Stuff is pouring out of you. Look, it’s coming …

Rolling around in the darkness, my face was scraping something flat. My cheekbones were poking like knives into the floor. I was calling for my lover. I was calling, I was calling, but my flesh had no sound.

‘I can’t do this, I don’t want to do this.’ I heard the guy talking from way up above me.

‘Why?’ I was crying now.

‘I just can’t. I don’t want this. I don’t want to do this to you.’

What don’t you want? What can’t you do? I was screaming in my head. But my fucking mouth was glued shut. I was never coming up for air. I dragged myself away from him on my stomach. My face pressed against the floor. Water poured from my eyes.

‘Stop.’ He was still over me. ‘Stop. Stop crying. I just can’t
do this.’

‘Why, why, why?’

‘I can’t. I don’t know. Stop crying, please stop crying.’

‘You don’t love me. You don’t … ’

I broke open. I was gasping from the back of my throat. I couldn’t stop. I heard him walking down the hallway. He was leaving me like that! He slammed a door. Fuck you! Don’t leave me! I was crying, I kept pulling down the hall and toward the couch. Fuck it. Fuck it. I finally pushed my weight up. I rolled onto my back on the couch and sunk in. Pain kept coming and going in waves through my chest. Pain throbbed down the backs of my thighs, it burned my knees, it prickled all through my ribs. I’ll never be with you again. That was pain. My body was tight and packed into a tube. Over and over in my head it was playing: I don’t want this. You don’t love me. God I wanted it to stop. I wanted to fuck. I wanted to get rid of myself, alone like a fool at his chest.

TWO

Jupiter laughed aloud: ‘We have the answer.
There is a fellow called Tiresias.
Strolling to watch the birds and hear the bees
We came across two serpents capitulating.
He took the opportunity to kill
Both with a single blow, but merely hurt them –
And found himself transformed into a woman.

‘After the seventh year of womanhood,
Strolling to ponder on what women ponder
She saw in that same place the same two serpents
Knotted as before in copulation.
‘If your pain can still change your attacker
Just as you once changed me, then change me back.’
She hit the couple with a handy stick,

‘And there he stood as male as any man.‚Äô
‘He’ll explain,’ cried Juno, ‘why you are
Slave to your irresistible addiction
While the poor nymphs you force to share it with you
Do all they can to shun it.’

– Ovid,
The Metamorphoses

MAN NO. 1

I
t was just turning light in the room. I saw her lying there, dead to the world. Her head was hanging off the dirty beige couch. I walked up. I stood over her. I touched her breast, it was heaving up and down. My finger sunk in and I gripped my cock.

Her cheeks looked puffy. Her eyelids were dark. I pulled up her skirt. I was breathing so hard that I thought I might wake her. I started peeling down her underwear. My finger got stuck around the elastic. She was shifting around. I knew I had to go faster. I pulled her underwear down to her knees. I felt like I was running without moving. I thought she was going to wake up. I held the head of my cock, put it right where she was splitting. I spread her lips with two fingers.

Then I climbed onto the couch and grabbed her thighs with my knees. I pushed my cock up her. Fuck, I couldn’t help it. She started making these grunts. My heart was pounding.

I dropped so my palms ended flat on the couch beside her tits. There was a coffee stain beside her neck that looked like a smeared star. I felt her warm jiggling against my wrists. I was sliding my dick in and out of her now, it was going all the way in, my cock hard inside her. I couldn’t stop doing it, grunting with her. She felt like she was coming through the back of me. Every time I pumped toward her head it made her boobs shake more. I saw the slits of the whites of her eyes. I didn’t know if she knew it was me. I couldn’t stop fucking her body. And her insides were getting hotter, her hips pushed up to meet me. She was breathing faster than me now. Her lips were limp, I saw her tongue.

Moving in and out, I wanted to finish, I wanted to come, my cock was going in and out and she was whipping her head side to side. On one stroke, we stuck together with my dick pushing up in her before bursting, and I toppled to pull out, my come shooting on her stomach.

I lay there breathing heavily, flat on her flesh. I wanted to say something to her, my lips were near her neck. I could smell food behind her in the cracks of the pillows.

These little whines were curling out of her mouth. I wanted to say something to make her stop. I didn’t know what to say.
I’m sorry
, I wanted to say something like that,
I’m sorry
. But I felt a stem in my throat and I started coughing. The next thing I knew I was pushing off her completely. Standing over her. She was still lying there dead to the world. The smell of something humid, that dirty beige couch, the smell of her was all over me.

‘I can’t open my eyes!’ she whispered.

I felt sick to my stomach. She was scaring me now. The whites of her eyes were flickering under her lids. It was like she was watching me from the window of a train. I’d pushed off her too roughly. I walked out of the room, fast, down the hall. I shut myself in her bathroom. The bath mat was burgundy, shaggy and wet. I heard her yelling after me, ‘You fucked me in my sleep! You fucked me in my sleep!’ I knew that if I stayed in there long enough, she would fall back asleep so I could leave on my own.

MAN NO. 2

M
y friend knew that I hadn’t been with anyone in a while. He told me about this girl at the bar where he worked who’d been coming in for about a year. He said she always came alone, and she almost always left with someone different. He said she was really good-looking. My friend told me he thought that she’d just broken up with someone, because she’d hadn’t come in for a couple months and now she was back, a few nights a week, sitting alone. She hadn’t let anyone take her home yet, my friend said, but I bet if you came you’d get her.

The night I decided to go, I was feeling pretty good. I remember the second I walked into the club I saw my friend and her talking already. He saw me right away too. He pointed to me and she turned around and smiled. She was really good-looking. Her hair was long and dark and kind of wild at the bottom. Her breasts were large. She was wearing a short skirt, bare legs. Her legs were uncrossed. We didn’t talk so much right away. I felt like I couldn’t really speak to her. We just sat beside each other and drank. I saw her hands were gripping her wineglass and rubbing up and down the stem. I moved in a bit closer to her so that our arms were touching. She didn’t pull away.

Then my friend started giving us a bunch of drinks on the house. We began talking, I don’t even remember about what, and I let my hand go under the bar. My fingers started touching the top of her thigh. She was letting me, I mean she relaxed into it, and I could feel that feeling of knowing in us both. I wasn’t used to that kind of knowing in a girl. And she was smiling, pretending like it wasn’t even happening, which was turning me on more. I began rubbing her thigh, feeling up the crack of her legs pressing together.

When I got up to her panties she turned to me and her eyes were glassy.

‘I’m going home now. You want to come with?’

We were drunk. I grabbed her hand and we left the bar fast together. I’d forgotten to say goodbye to my friend. While we were sitting in the cab on the way to her place, I started feeling up in the exact same place on her thighs. This time she spread her legs open a bit for me. I slid my hand under the bottom of her skirt. My fingers dug into her thighs. Her relaxation was tightness now, it was amazing, it was like she knew how to play with that line. I felt this heat coming from her pussy. Her panties were wet. She was squirming for me.

When we got to her building, she led me up two flights of stairs. I watched the parts of her ass move together and apart under her skirt. She knew that I was looking at her ass, so she pushed it out more and started laughing.

She didn’t turn on the lights in her apartment. She just let me in and shut the door behind us. We passed through a living room area with a couch and a
TV
and I followed close behind down a hallway to her bedroom. I kept looking at her ass, so round in her skirt. I was happy for the street light outside that came through her bedroom window at the end of the hallway. The light outlined her ass, it made her so fucking sexy.

She walked over to the window and pressed her hands up against it. I got behind her and pushed myself against her ass. She was still kind of laughing. I reached around and squeezed her big breasts through her shirt. She started pushing back and circling her ass into me. I put my chin on her shoulder, my lips to her neck. She smelled like wine. I kept opening my mouth on her skin. I looked down at my hands on her tits. I was pinching her big nipples through her shirt, which was blousy and flowered and thin.

Then she squirmed out of my grip and turned her body around toward me. Her tits were thrusting into my hands. I started to feel up under her shirt and her bra but she held down my arms.

‘Wait,’ she said.

She stood a few inches away from me and leaned her head back into the window. The glare from the street light was stronger here and it made a halo of greenish light all around her. She lifted up her arms slowly and took off her blouse. Her breasts looked so huge. I’d actually never seen breasts so big on such a short girl. Her nipples were hard under her white bra. It looked like a sports bra, which wasn’t too sexy, but the shape of her nipples, rectangular, made me not care. Then she unzipped her skirt and walked out of it. She was standing there so close to me in her sports bra and panties. I really wanted to fuck her. She unbuttoned my shirt and took it off. She unhooked her bra. There was pounding in my ears. I couldn’t stop thinking:
I’m seeing her naked tits right in front of me and she wants me to.

Then she walked behind me and rubbed her breasts into my back. I let out tight breaths. She lay her hands on my shoulders, slid them down and around my chest. She started pinching my nipples. She kept doing it, pinching harder, until my breath got faster. She was putting her mouth and her tongue all over my back. Her lower body was grinding against me.

My whole body went hot for a second, like I was going to come right then. I turned around quick, I needed to fuck her, her chest rising, her nipples purple and hard. I looked toward her bed. It was a double bed low to the ground, heaped with sheets and plaid blankets. She crossed her arms over her tits like she was amused. She watched me take off my pants and my underwear. She was staring at my hard cock.

I opened my arms to her and tried to kiss her but she jerked away. So I grabbed her. She started squealing. I bent her body in two and I gripped her hard by the waist. Her head was near the floor and she was bracing her hands on the edge of the bed. Her hair was splayed out like a broom. The cheeks of her ass were opening up.

We were moving in and out with each other in the rhythm of fucking. Then for one second the girl stopped. I don’t know from where but she handed me this condom.

‘Put it on,’ she said.

My cock was pointing right at her asshole, not her pussy. My hands felt like they weren’t working right, my fingers were filled with jelly. The girl’s panties were still on, they were stuck in her ass crack because she was so wet. I started putting on the condom and she was moaning, I thought I heard her say do it do it. She was wiggling her ass and pumping her knees. I wanted to fuck her ass. She reached up to pull her panties off.

The girl was grinding her naked ass toward the head of my cock. I steadied her. I pushed my cock near the entrance of her hole and she pumped her ass up so I slid into the bottom of her pussy. Fuck, it was hot. She started grunting really deep. Her back looked like a slide. I reached around her waist and started feeling for her clit. It sounded like she was praying; saying yes, saying
please
, saying
god
. I just kept gripping her hips, going in and out fast. Sweat was running down my face.

Then she let go of her hold on the bed with one hand. She stuck her fingers in her mouth and started sucking. I thought she was trying to stop herself from screaming. She was pumping her whole body back and forth under the street light. I slammed her into my hips, I saw her ass shake. I was watching my prick going in and out of her but I couldn’t, I couldn’t, if I looked I was going to come. I just kept thrusting into that place, my balls were buzzing, fuck I was gonna come, I wanted to tell her how much I liked her right then, this dirty hot girl, I was fucking so hard, I was going to come way too fast, her ass was squeezing, still moving. I bit my lip. I was bolting my weight through the cave of her, coming …

We both fell forward onto her bed. I thought she was cursing. I didn’t know if she came or not. When I pushed up off her, I was breathing hard. She was writhing, still pumping, moaning
fuck fuck fuck.

I was kneeling on the floor beside her bed. It smelled like food, like scrambled eggs or something. I thought it was the sheets. She pushed up off her stomach and turned around. Then she climbed on me and started showering my neck with these soft kitten kisses. I felt like an animal. My stomach churned.

‘Look,’ she whispered, holding my shoulders. ‘I want to talk for a while. Stay. Will you stay?’

‘Okay.’ I stared up at the ceiling. There was a long silence where I knew that she knew that I didn’t really want to.

The girl motioned me back up beside her. She pulled up the huge heap of covers at the foot of the bed. I got in and we lay down on our backs as she covered us with a bunch of the smelly sheets and also a plaid woollen blanket. She grabbed my hand tightly and laid it on her stomach. We were lying close enough together that her breast was touching my side.

‘Look … Look, I just … ’

She started to speak a few times like that, but nothing would come out. I lay there and stared at the ceiling. I noticed a hook for a painting coming out of the wall. She was trying and trying to speak but she kept swallowing her words.

‘Just tell me,’ I finally said. ‘It’s okay.’

‘Okay. Okay. I had this friend, he did it to me once … ’

‘What, like I just did?’

‘No, no. Not like that.’

‘Like what?’

‘I wanted to feel like that again … ’

‘Like what? Tell me.’

‘Do you really want to know?’

‘Yeah. I’m right here.’

I was stroking the back of her hand and playing with her fingers. Then I turned on my side and put my thigh over hers. She had gotten so worked up about something that she was shivering, even under all the covers.

‘I like being tied up,’ she said quickly. ‘He tied me up.’

‘How?’

‘How did the guy tie me up?’

‘Sure.’

‘I was looking at some pictures of girls like that. I found this magazine, it was pictures of these girls hanging from the wall by hooks, from the ceiling by hooks, with their ankles up and their wrists knotted together. Girls with ropes between their legs, I mean, rope tied in knots all over their naked bodies and then the biggest knot was between their legs. Their knees were bent underneath them. Their elbows were stuck together. Those girls’ eyes were open, they couldn’t move, they were being watched! Someone was taking these pictures!’

‘Yeah, I’ve seen those kinds of things.’

‘So I bought myself some rope, because, I guess, I wanted to see, you know … ’

‘By yourself?’

‘Yes.’

‘Why by yourself? I thought it was with a guy.’

‘Wait. I just wanted to try it first and see how it was. Listen: it didn’t stay that way, being alone.’

‘Okay.’

‘I was lying on the floor in front of the mirror in my bedroom, actually just right over there, and I tied one of my wrists to my ankles and I put the rope – this miniature brown hairy ball of twine that people probably bought for their little cats – I put it underneath me. I mean, I put it under my ass. And I had to touch myself, it was the feeling, that fraying twine on my skin, how I couldn’t move normally. I was locked like that with that texture all over me … ’

‘Yeah?’

‘I wrapped my whole chest. I did it so my tits pushed nearly back to my chin. I pulled up the twine up between my legs … My back was arching, these sounds were coming out of my lips and I held the ends of the rope down on either side of me and I started thrusting my chest in the air, feeling the rope go up into my pussy and my breasts fucking jiggling and I couldn’t move my legs, all right?’

‘Yeah?’

‘And he walked in on me!’

‘Who?’

‘The guy I was seeing.’

‘Who was it?’

‘I’m not going to tell you his name … ’

‘That’s not what I meant.’

‘I was in love in with him.’

‘Oh.’

‘And he started yelling at me:
What the fuck are you doing? What the fuck are you doing?
I saw his face. He looked like he was going to hit me.’

‘He did?’

‘My eyes squeezed shut.’

‘He hit you?’

‘He was so mad at me.’

‘I could never hit a woman. Never. Absolutely fucking never. I don’t care what she was doing.’

‘I felt his breath over me, these rapid huffs. And I thought for sure he was gonna hit me and I just stayed there, god, I couldn’t move away. I was trying to stop from even breathing … But when I opened my eyes, I just opened them in a blurry slit, I saw that he was in my underwear drawer looking for something. Then he came back to me, down at my legs, he was crouching right at me, where the biggest knot was. He had my camera, my clit was pulsing so fast … ’

‘So he didn’t hit you. Thank god.’

‘He took pictures of me. He took all these pictures while freaking out and sweating and unwinding the rope and throwing it twisted all over my body!’
She was shaking. Her arms were strangled so tight around her chest that her tits came up near her chin. She ripped the plaid blanket off herself.

‘I hated him right then. I told him:
Fucking tie me tie me tie me back up!
I tried to relax my eyes, look him straight in his face, but I couldn’t, I couldn’t.’

‘He sounds like a violent asshole! I’m not surprised. Why were you in love with him?’

‘No, you don’t understand. I crunched my teeth together until tears came down my cheeks … I wanted that feeling, I wanted that strangling … And it was like he finally heard me, like he was finally paying attention to me the way that I wanted. It was amazing, I swear, he started doing it. He was taking the rope from my stomach and winding at my ankles. He lifted my legs up and wrapped my thighs tight. He coiled my stomach with the rope and it burned. Then he yanked up my wrists and slapped my face.’