Little Conversations (3 page)

The next picture really stung.  It was a larger one of the
two of them—together.  This picture had been taken more recently.  Devin
recognized the shirt Jake wore.  He had gotten it at a concert he’d gone to a
few weeks before.  He hadn’t wanted her along, saying it was just supposed to
be the guys.  With a sickening jolt of trepidation, Devin realized the girl
wore a similar shirt in the picture.  Jake had his arm around her shoulders and
they both appeared truly exhilarated.  This photo leaned up against the picture
frame behind it, obscuring the photo in that frame.  A photo that Devin had
given him.  A photo of her. 

This other girl also now had a name.  Devin hadn’t wanted
Jake to tell her, as though not knowing it would make her less real.  Devin
refused to speak about her with anyone, quickly steering the conversation away
whenever it started heading in that direction.  But one of Jake’s friends had
let it slip.  Her name was Melanie.  Tall, blonde, beautiful Melanie who liked
cars and all the things Jake liked. 

Still, Devin loved him.  She needed him.  She knew she could
keep him.  She
had to
keep him.  He still told her he loved her.  He told
her how lucky she was to have him, how he defended her to people and how nobody
else could be trusted but him.  His words and his actions when they were
together had warped her already damaged psyche.  They cemented the belief in
her mind that he was the best she could ever hope for.  That nobody would ever
be able to love her like Jake did, especially in spite of all her faults. 

The senior year ended, and he was planning to go away again. 
Not back to the farm like last summer, which made Devin extraordinarily
grateful, but to Alaska.  He planned to work on the fishing boats, to earn
money for college in the fall where they’d be together again. 

“You should come with me,” he’d suggested. 

Somehow, Devin had a moment of clarity in her young mind.  Alaska
was so far away from her life in Montana.  It was a big scary place and, even
though Jake would be there, Devin had responsibilities here in town.  She had a
good job that made a ton of tip money, and her boss had become sort of a surrogate
mother to her.  Devin’s dad was unmarried and travelled a great deal on
business, and her mom lived so far away.  Devin had worked at the Sundowner after
school and over the summers for the past three years, and Margaret had taken
her under her wing. 

Then there was her new little home.  Devin’s dad had just been
transferred through work a month before school got out.  She was in her last
month of her last year of high school.  While she was rather young and naïve,
she was pretty independent for her age, and it was only a couple of months
before she’d be out on her own anyway.  Therefore, rather than making her move
with him or go back to live with her mom, her dad got her a sweet little
furnished duplex, paying the rent through the end of the summer.  After that, she
would be heading off to college.  Five months’ worth of rent.  That was a lot
of money to just bail on.  Her dad would kill her. 

And finally, since things with Jake had become tumultuous, she
had recently begun to find some relief with Amy and Joanie.  It started as a
way of defying him when Melanie was in town. 
Fuck him!
  If he was going
to be doing what he wanted, namely Melanie, she was going to do what she
wanted. 

The instant camaraderie she felt with her new friends helped
bring her out of the ‘Jake funk’ she was in.  Their fun and lively nature quickly
pulled her in on their shenanigans.  Joanie was also planning to go to school
in Billings that fall, just like Jake and Devin.  First-year students were
required to live in the dorms, so she suggested the two girls be roomies, which
thrilled Devin.  The thought of living with a complete stranger terrified her
inner agoraphobe, so she readily agreed.  She did make sure it was the
all-girls dorm, though, so Jake wouldn’t feel uncomfortable having her in the
same building as a bunch of horny college guys. 

Back to her moment of clarity, though, which pushed her to
say no to Jake.  Probably the first time Devin
ever
said no to Jake. 
Ever.
 

“I can’t, Jake.  That’s just so far away.  I can’t just leave
my job,” she implored.  “And my dad?  Jeez, he’d kill me after he paid all that
rent up front.”

Jake exhaled with a frustrated huff and stared at the TV, a
behavior that often caused Devin to cave, to give in and go along with what he
wanted.  This time, though, she somehow held firm.

“I’ll be a good girl, the kind of girlfriend you deserve,” she
promised.  Her hand crept into his, and he squeezed it lightly, still not
looking at her.  Still pensively discontented.   “I will be here, waiting for
you in the fall when you get back.  And then, we’ll go off to college.  You and
me—together.”

He ended up not going to Alaska that summer.  He ended up going
back to the farm a couple of times to work, a few weeks here and there.  Back
to the farm near Melanie. 

“The pay is just so good, Devin,” he explained with
exasperation when she quibbled.  “I can’t make that much anywhere else except
maybe Alaska, and you wouldn’t go with me there.  Jesus, I’ll still come home
to you.  I always do, don’t I?  I love you.  You know that.  We’ll be fine, you’ll
see.”

June became July, and they continued to plan for school.  As
they sat on the bluff above town, waiting for the start of the Independence Day
fireworks, Jake mentioned that he had somehow gotten a waiver to live off
campus.

“You should live with me.  At school…” he smiled at her with
the confident and cocky air that came so naturally to him.

“Jake, I can’t do that,” Devin blurted out, then quickly tried
to explain as Jake’s face fell.  “It’s just… Joanie and I have things all
worked out.  I can’t do that to her.”

“What about what you are doing to me?” Jake angrily threw
back.  “You’re picking your friend, someone who you barely know, over me!”

Somehow, Devin found the strength inside her to hold her
ground.  “I can’t.  I’m sorry, but I can’t.”

Jake had been furious.  He took her home before the
fireworks even started and barely spoke on the way.  He dropped her off, not
responding at all to the soft kiss she placed on his cheek.  He didn’t even so
much as call her for days after.

It was almost a week before she saw him again.  He came back
to her on a hot summer evening with a solemn, steeled expression. 

Melanie was going to live with him in the fall at college.

And that was it. 

“I actually had asked her to go to Alaska with me after you
said no,” Jake brooded with a cold sober expression.  “But she couldn’t because
her grades weren’t so great.  She wasn’t sure if she was going to graduate, so she
took some remedial courses over the summer.  She did that for me.  For me,
Devin.  To be with me.  So she would graduate along with me and we could go to
college together.”  A ghost of a smile crossed his face.  “She’s been doing
really well, and her guidance counselor helped her get all registered for the
fall semester in Billings.  Everything is falling into place.”

Devin stared at him listlessly.  In shock.  In agony. 

“I gave you the first chance, Devin.  Both times.  Because I
love you.  You didn’t make this easy for me.  I tried to stay with you.”  Jake
paused and took a deep breath.  “But this isn’t going to work anymore.  You and
I… It’s over, Devin.  I love you, but it’s over.”

Devin felt like her life was over, too. 

So, with about seven weeks left before they were all
supposed to leave for school, Devin hung out with Joanie, Amy, and the rest of
the high school partiers, drinking buckets of booze and studiously avoiding any
party Jake might go to.  There was the occasional run-in, usually resulting in her
drinking to the point where she would confront him, then cry in his arms.  They’d
end up back at her little duplex, and Devin would try to show him how much she loved
him with her body, trying everything she knew to keep him close.  But in the
morning, he’d be gone, just an indentation left behind on her pillow.  Then Melanie
would come visit. 

Now, he always went back to
her
.  Somehow, Devin had
become the other girl, the one Jake snuck around with.  She hated the feeling. 
But, they’d been together for so long, and her whole value felt wrapped up in
him.  She couldn’t explain it.  It mystified Amy and Joanie, and they tried to
talk some sense into her.  But she wasn’t strong enough to be on her own. 
Nobody would ever love her like Jake had.  She still had hope that he’d realize
just
how much
she loved him and leave Melanie for good, swearing to love
Devin… and only Devin.

Melanie finished with her remedial courses and started
coming to town more often.  The more she came, the less would he would come to
parties alone.  Less and less they would end up back at her small duplex.  Less
and less could Devin show him how much she loved him. 

Then he and Melanie showed up at Ronin’s that night.  For
the first time, someone seemed to truly see her pain, to see through her
nonchalant act.  For the first time, someone really stood up for her, seemed to
find her worthy.  Someone chose her over Jake. 

So began Devin’s friendship with Ronin.

It was Friday night.  Ronin, Shane, and Joe were back
from the job site which, as usual, meant a big party at Ronin’s.  And Devin was
bombed.  Sloppy drunk bombed.  She could barely stand.  Well, actually, she
couldn’t stand at all on her own and did her best to hold up the wall before Ronin
came to her rescue, tucking her against him to support her weaving and swaying
body. 

This state was exactly what she’d intended. 
Mission accomplished! 

Jake was
busy
this weekend.  He had told her that
afternoon that Melanie would be in town.  By telling her, he said he was
protecting her from the pain of seeing them unexpectedly like last time. 
Letting her know not to come over or to call him, as Melanie would be at his
house.  His parents were out of town, and she was staying there, with him.  All
weekend.  Sleeping in his bed.  Devin wondered if he still had any of her
pictures in his room, and it brought a new sharp pain as she imagined him
taking them down, putting them in a box or a drawer.  Maybe even tossing them. 
After all this time, it ripped her to shreds.

So she drank until she couldn’t feel anymore.  Now she was
numb—finally.

The room was spinning, and Devin moaned and leaned more
heavily into Ronin, her forehead resting in the crook of his neck as he leaned
against his kitchen counter.  The party went on around her, in full swing, full
of laughter and noise and the usual overindulgence of a bunch of young adults
with a plethora of booze. 

“You okay, baby?” Ronin asked.

Devin tried to raise her head slightly, but the effort was
too much.  “No,” she whispered.  “I’m not.  I think I need to lie down.”

Ronin scooped her into his arms and carried her out of the
kitchen and down the hall towards his bedroom. 

“Go get ‘er, Ronin!” someone shouted in a drunken slur.

“Fuck you, Joe,” Ronin threw over his shoulder. 
Hmm… Joe. 
It was Joe.  “
She’s not feeling well.”

“Uh, huh,” Joe replied, clearly unconvinced. 

A moment later, the closed door to his bedroom blocked most
of the noise, although a bit of Kings of Leon’s
Celebration
, with its
jagged and gritty chords, muffled its way through the walls.  Ronin settled her
on his bed, her head on his soft pillows.  Her eyes opened a touch, and she
looked up at him.  “Thank you,” she whispered.  “This is better.”

Ronin brushed her heavy bangs from her eyes.  “Do you need
anything?  A cool washcloth?  A glass of water?”

Devin’s eyes closed a moment.  She saw the specter of Jake
and Melanie.  She could only imagine what they were doing at this very moment. 
She just had to forget!
 

Her eyes flew open again to see Ronin still studying her
intently, waiting for an answer.  Her hand lifted to his cheek, trailed down
his neck, hooked in the opening of his soft flannel shirt where the top few
buttons were undone.  She gave a little tug.  Ronin raised one eyebrow, but he
stubbornly remained where he was hovering above her.

“Honey, you’re pretty plastered.  Fuck, I’m pretty plastered
too.  Not so sure this is a good idea.”

Devin rose up on her elbows, not as smoothly as she would
have liked, but all the same.  “I don’t fucking care,” she whispered.  “Kiss me.”

“Baby, I don’t want you to regret anything.” he hesitated.

Devin clumsily wrapped one arm around his neck and then the
other.  She used his body to pull herself forward and pressed her lips against
his.  All her drunken pain and desperation poured into the kiss, drawing on the
weight of her own body to pull Ronin down on top of her.  Every few moments,
her lips would pull back slightly.  “I won’t… won’t regret.”  “Kiss me.”  “Please.”

 “Jesus, honey,” he muttered.  “How can I say no to you?”  And
he fell upon her, fusing his lips to hers.

With his words, Devin instantly felt all-powerful,
alleviating some of the torture of Jake’s rejection, Jake’s disinterest, Jake’s
new girlfriend. 
NO!
 
Not thinking about them!
 

“Please…” Devin moaned into his mouth as she pushed images
of Jake and Melanie from her mind.  She focused on Ronin’s hands as they moved
to her breasts, to the thin straps of her dress.  His lips devoured hers as he
tugged her dress and bra down her body, baring the soft fullness of her
curves.  She shivered as his mouth nipped its way down her collarbone and
trailed across the swell of her breast, closing over her nipple.  The shock of that
sensation caused her to arch her back. 

For a split second, her mind flitted back to Jake with a
pang of unease.  She imagined how angry he would be if he knew someone else was
touching her.  But she forced it back into blankness, only allowing herself to
feel Ronin’s touch. 

“Ronin,” she breathed softly, reminding herself of who she
was with. 

Ronin was a big guy, strong shoulders and heavy muscles. 
She felt so slight beneath him, helpless, protected.  She felt desirable.  She felt
sexy.  She felt so many things that she hadn’t felt in so long.  And she wanted
to feel more. 

Ronin pulled his shirt off without even undoing the buttons
and tossed it over the footboard of the bed.  His knees nudged hers apart, and
she felt his hard length press against her hips, demonstrating the breadth of
his arousal.  The rough texture of the denim scraped against the fine silky
fabric of her panties as her dress rode up around her hips.  She wanted this so
badly, to finish this, to be done.  This would end things once and for all with
Jake.

Jake!  No!
  Again, Devin forced him to the back of
her mind.  She wouldn’t think about him.  She
couldn’t
think about him. 
Him and Melanie.

She felt Ronin’s hand at her waist, pushing the light
material of her dress and panties down her legs in one tangled mass.  His
fingers swiftly found her wet core, and swept inside.  Devin cried out in both
exhilaration and lament, tears squeezing from her eyes. 
This was really
going to happen.  This was really going to end things with Jake.
 

Ronin rose up above her slightly to pull off his jeans.  “Just
a sec, honey.  Let me grab a condom.”  

“No!” she gasped.  “I’m safe if you are.  Jake always uses
condoms even though I’m on the pill.  I’ve never been with anyone else.  I’m
clean.”

“Fuuuuuuck,” Ronin breathed.

He poised over her, positioning himself to thrust into her. 
Devin felt his length press against her soft center, and she froze. 
This
would do it.  This would end it.
  This would take Jake away from her
forever.  He would never,
never
want her again after this.

“Wait!” Devin cried. 

Ronin froze.

A shuddery breath ripped through her.  “I can’t do this,” she
sobbed hysterically.  “I can’t!”  

Ronin took a deep breath, trying to bring his throbbing body
under control.  He lay his head down on her shoulder and closed his eyes for a
moment as Devin silently wept, naked and shivering beneath him.  She bit her
lip, fiercely trying to hang on to what little bit of control she had.  A few
tears escaped, but she felt as though a dam was about to explode under the pressure
of her angst and all her emotion would come rushing forth.  Ronin lifted his
head and pressed a gentle kiss against her temple.  She couldn’t breathe in her
panic. 

“It’s okay, baby,” he murmured.  “Don’t cry.  It’s okay. 
You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do.”

“But I do want to.  I want to get over Jake,” she whispered
frantically looking up at him.  “Tonight was all about drinking to forget, but
I can still remember.”

Ronin’s pained gaze locked on hers for a moment.  He took a
deep breath and closed his eyes.  When he opened them again, he had regained a
controlled expression over his features.  “This isn’t how you forget.”

“I just need to not
hurt anymore,” she said in a
small voice.  With a sniffle, she wiped tears from her eyes and looked away.  “I’m
sorry.  If you let me up, I’ll get out of your room.  I’ll go home and quit
playing the lushy tease.”

Ronin sat up and reached down to grab the shirt that he had
thrown over the footboard of his bed.  “Slip this on, honey.  You don’t have to
go.”

Devin sat up a little, taking the shirt and holding it to
her front and covering her nakedness, faintly visible in the moonlit room.  Ronin
leaned his forehead into his hands, obviously struggling to calm his lingering
arousal, to curb the intense longing.  His muscles were tense as took a few
deep breaths.  Only Devin’s sniffs and gasping inhalations broke the silence as
she started to move off the bed.  Ronin placed his hand on the bare skin of her
arm.

“Stay,” he whispered, stilling her.

“Ronin, you should be mad at me.  That wasn’t cool.”  Devin
turned her face away, feeling ashamed of her behavior, of her inability to give
him what she had offered up to him a few moments before.  Fat tears began to
roll down her cheeks.

“I’m not mad,” Ronin said, his fingers on her jaw pulling
her face back to his.  “I’d do damn-fucking-near anything to keep going, but I’m
not gonna push you.  I’ve been where you are.”  

Devin took a shaky breath. 

“Sit up straight for a minute, Dev.”  

Devin did and he gently pulled the big, flannel shirt from
her hands, slipping it over her bare skin.  The soft cotton, still warm from the
heat of Ronin’s body, seemed to ease her vulnerability a touch.  As he stood
and reached for a pair of sleep pants, the moonlight accentuated the thick,
powerful muscles of his back which tapered down to the firm curve of his ass.  She
averted her eyes and bit her lip at the glimpse of his tall, powerful frame.  A
faint rustle of fabric could be heard as he pulled on the pants.  Devin
struggled to calm her frazzled nerves, to stop the tears.   

“Here, honey,” he said, quietly, handing her the panties he’d
untangled from her dress.  “I’ll be good, but it might not be a bad idea to put
these back on.”  He half-smiled with a strained look.  “Hop up for a minute
while I pull back the blankets.”

Devin clumsily scooted off the bed and crossed the room away
from the window, slipping her underwear on under the shirt back in the darkest
corner she could find.  She seemed hyper-alert, but the effects of the alcohol
were still strong and she felt a little dizzy and woozy.  “Ronin,” she
whispered while still hidden in the darkness, “I can go.  You don’t have to…”  She
took another labored breath.  “You don’t have to be so nice to me.  I don’t
really deserve it.”

Ronin crossed over to her shadowy form in the darkness.  He
placed his hands on either side of her jaw and tipped her head back.  In the
faint light that filtered through the window, he studied her solemnly as the tears
continued to well up in her eyes.  “What the fuck happened to you?” he breathed.
 “Why do you feel like all this is your fault?  Honey, you were drunk.  We both
were.  Still fuckin’ are, actually.  It makes a person do stuff they might not
otherwise do.  You stopped it because you realized it wasn’t right.  That is
not
a bad thing.  You are
not
a bad person.”  He paused for a split second.  “God,”
he muttered more to himself than to her, “I’d like to kick Jake’s fucking ass
for knocking your spirit down so badly.”  He brushed away a tear that was
escaping down her cheek.  “I want you to stay.  I don’t want you to be alone.  Shit,
what you’re going through right now is lonely enough as it is and, especially
with as much as you’ve had to drink tonight, if you were left alone with your
thoughts of condemnation, you might do something even more damaging.”

Devin sniffled and lowered her gaze. 

“Just let me hold you a while, give you some of my strength,”
Ronin murmured.  “Friends?”  

For a long while, Devin contemplated this.  She wanted to
oh-so-badly.  She wanted to feel his strong arms around her, his warmth to melt
the gnawing chill that had settled around her heart.  Finally, she looked back
up at him, her teeth catching on her lower lip.  His gaze flickered to her
mouth as the white reflection caught a glint of faint light in the darkness,
then back to the glint in her eyes, still pooling wet with tears.  Finally, she
nodded. 

Ronin wrapped his arms tightly around her and kissed her
forehead gently.  “Let’s lay you down before you fall down, Dev,” he said with
a half-smile, and he placed his hand on her shoulder and guided her back over
to his bed.  His touch brought a tingle to her skin, burning through the soft
warmth of the shirt.  Yet, it also strangely reassured her.  It quieted the
tumultuous discord in her mind. 

Ronin pulled back the covers, and she slipped in between
them.  The soft flannel sheets immediately warmed her shivering legs.  Ronin
slid into bed beside her, pulling the top sheet and heavy quilt over them.  He laid
an unyielding arm around her flannel-encased waist, her back to his front, and
drew her close.  His face nestled in her hair, breathing her in.

“Go to sleep, baby.  I know it’s not easy, but you’ll get
through this.”

The music played on in the other room, and a muffled echo of
laughter reverberated through the walls.  In spite of this, exhausted by the
booze and the emotional turmoil, Devin began to fade off to sleep taking
comfort in the feel of his hands smoothing her hair back from her face, the
warmth of his large body absolving her soul, and the twinkle of stars
glittering through the window above his headboard.