Little Conversations (6 page)

Devin’s eyes slowly blinked open.  They felt parched and
raw.  It wasn’t yet light, but she could see enough in the moonlight to
recognize her surroundings.  A flitter of confusion ran through her as she
wondered momentarily how she had ended up in Ronin’s room.  Memories from the
night before began to seep into her brain, creating an ache deep in her stomach. 
The party.  Jake and Melanie.  And then Ronin arriving like a knight in shining
armor to carry her away. 
Her hero.
    

She was in Ronin’s room.  In Ronin’s arms.  In Ronin’s bed. 
Clothed, but in his bed nonetheless, and this knowledge briefly stirred something
deep inside her.  Ronin’s left arm was underneath her, holding her close.  His
right hand skimmed her upper thigh where her skirt had ridden up. 

She turned her head and to look back at him.  “Hey, babe,” he
whispered.  The darkness of night made him only a shadow, illuminated faintly
by the moonlight streaming through the window. 

“Hey.”

“How are you feeling?”

“Stupid,” she muttered with a whisper.  “Don’t really want
to talk about it.  Other than, well… thank you for coming to get me.”

He softly kissed her forehead and she turned her head back to
face forward, resting it on her hands where they were clasped on the pillow. 
Ronin was quiet for a while as he continued to lightly stroke the bare skin of her
thigh, his fingers tracing a faint ridge of a scar. 

“What’s this from?” he murmured quietly after a bit.

Devin relaxed somewhat with the change of topic.  “Horseback
riding.  My dad was living on a ranch the summer after my eighth grade year,” Devin
responded, quiet and steady, yet small and soft.  “I was riding a pretty little
Arabian.  She was a real bitch, though.  She seemed fine at first, walking
around the corral—a little skittish, but nothing too bad.”  Devin paused a
moment and quietly continued.  “Then I nudged her to go a bit faster, trying to
get her to a slow trot.  In a split second, her ears went back and she just exploded,
bucking and whirling around.  I lasted all of about two seconds.  She threw me
onto a fence, and a nail sticking out of the wood ripped my jeans and gashed my
thigh.  I have no bronc riding career ahead of me, that’s for sure.”

“Considering how stubborn you can be, I can’t imagine it
kept you down for long, though.”

Devin smiled just a tiny bit.  “Yeah, I got right back on,
but, damn it all, her skittishness outlasted my summer vacation, and I was
never able to break through to her before I went back to my mom’s for school.”  She
sighed softly.  “She was so pretty, too.  Fairly small and dainty.  Dapple gray
with little pointy ears.  Big dark eyes.  She looked so… sweet.  But she
totally freaked when you tried to ride her.”

“Hmmm, sounds a bit like a girl I know.  Learn any tricks
from her, did you?” Ronin asked, and she could feel the gentle tease in his
voice.

“You have no idea,” she sniffed a sad little laugh, trying
to joke back, but appearing more melancholy than amused.  “The thing was, she
was so sweet when you weren’t trying to ride her.  A little shy, but she got to
where she’d trot over to the fence when she saw me coming.  Granted, it was probably
more for the oats than anything.  But she’d also whack me with her nose to get
me to scratch her behind the ears.”  A cloud slowly floated across the moon as
she talked quietly, and the room darkened ever-so-slightly before lightening
again a few minutes later.  “The minute she felt the weight on her back, though,
she’d go into full panic mode, like she was terrified.  You could just feel the
dread in her build.  She’d let you take her so far, and then it was like she
just couldn’t take it anymore.  Like she had to escape.”

Devin turned her head again to look up at Ronin in the
shadows.  He lifted his hand, his thumb smoothing over her troubled eyebrow and
down the side of her face.

“Sounds
a lot
like a girl I know.”

Devin swallowed against the lump developing in her throat,
turning fully into his arms, pressing her face against his neck.  She took a
shuddering breath.  This conversation, for skirting around the reality of the
other night in this very room, was so raw and direct.  He tightened his
embrace, smoothing his hands over her back, feeding her his strength.

“Thing is, not every guy is going to rip you apart like
ass-hat Jake.”

Devin gave a morose chuckle, although it sounded more like a
sniffle.

“Somehow, honey,” Ronin said softly, kissing the top of her
head, “somehow, you’ll get over this.  It sucks.  It hurts.  It’s awful, but it
won’t last.  I’m speaking from experience here.”  Ronin paused for a moment,
thoughtfully nuzzling her hair.  “Kim… She wrecked me.”

Devin absorbed the quiet words he’d just spoken, trying
to decide if she should ask.  “So, who was Kim?” she finally whispered as she
traced a pattern on Ronin’s T-shirt-covered chest with the tip of her finger.

It took a moment for him to respond. 

“Kim was a girlfriend I had, for a couple years, actually. 
It was pretty serious.  I thought it was, anyway.”  

“What happened?” she asked when he didn’t say anything else. 

“She got pregnant.”

She looked up at him with wide eyes.  “So, you’re a dad?” she
asked in a small, quiet voice.

Ronin shook his head.  “Didn’t really turn out that way.  She
wasn’t sure what she wanted to do.  Keep it, give it away, get rid of it.  I
tried to be a stand-up guy, let her make the decision for herself.  She decided
she wanted to get an abortion.  It tore me apart, and yet it relieved me at the
same time.  And then, the fuckin’ relief made me feel guilty.  I didn’t know
what to think.  But, I offered to take her, to pay.  On our way to the clinic in
Bozeman, she broke down, sobbing that she couldn’t do it.  She said she changed
her mind, said she wanted to keep the baby.”

He took a deep breath, and continued.  “Crazily enough, I
actually got kinda excited.  I hadn’t really felt like anyone’s family in a
long, long time and this little… person… would be part of mine.  Forever.  On
the way home, we started making plans.  We talked about getting married.  All
the way back, things just seemed to click.”

It seemed difficult for him to continue.  Devin rested her
hand on his cheek, grazing her thumb along his chin.  “Then what happened?” she
coaxed.

“I went out on a job for a few days feeling like things were
going so well.  We had a date picked out.  She was going to get her stuff
together and move in with me.”  He paused and looked above his head, watching
the clouds ghost across the stars in the sky.  “The guys and I were building a house
for some California millionaire way back up in the mountains.  We were staying
at the job site, and cell service was shit.  A couple days later, I was finally
able to reach her.  She said that she’d had her sister give her a ride back to
town, and she’d done it.  She’d gotten an abortion.  Just like that.”

“Oh, Ronin…” Devin whispered through the lump in her throat.
 “What did you do?”

“What could I do?” Ronin laughed quietly, but harshly.  “I
listened to her cry, tell me she was sorry, but that it wouldn’t have worked
out anyway.  She said she hadn’t really wanted to keep it, but was just scared
of the procedure and the guilt of going through with it.  And she said she didn’t
love me, not really.”

Devin’s heart ached for this big, strong,
invincible-appearing guy, his tough exterior persona that didn’t allow anyone
to see a hint of emotion he held inside.  She’d never even seen Kim, much less
met her, and she certainly wasn’t a violent person.  But, more than anything
else, she had the intense desire to go berserk and kick Kim’s ass.  Or at least
yell at her a lot… force her to realize how badly she’s wounded him and make
her feel like shit for doing it. 

At the same time, she wanted to protect Ronin from Kim or any
other ruthless, unfeeling skanks.  To show him that not all girls were so
heartless.  She rolled to her back, wrapping her arms around his shoulders and pulling
him close, softly caressing his skin with a slow, comforting motion.  His arms curved
around her waist and tightened as he cushioned his face against the upper swell
of her breast.

“Ronin, I’m so sorry.”  

They lay there together for a while, neither speaking.  Devin’s
fingers softly explored along the musculature of Ronin’s back and shoulders,
soothing his lingering aches.  Her lips occasionally pressed against his head
as it rested on her chest.  After a long time, she softly spoke.  “You’re kind
of complicated, you know.  You come off like a big tough guy, some man-ho dog
who’s only interested in the next party and the hot women who will be there.  Honestly,
I’m not sure why you even like having me around.  You’re not gettin’ any from
me, and not from anyone else either that I’ve seen because you’re always taking
care of me.  And I’m just a fuckin’ emotional wreck who won’t give it up.”

Ronin raised his head and rested his shadowy gaze on her
face.  “You’re not that bad,” he smiled gently, a soft teasing tone in his
voice.  “There’s something about being around you that is comforting.”  He
shrugged and gave a quiet, morose snort.  “Even if you wind me up and then
leave me hanging from time to time.”

Devin’s hands stilled from their movement on his back, and
she inhaled deeply.  “I’m not playing fair, I know.  I’m sorry.  I’m not sure
what’s wrong with me.  I should go.  I should quit bugging you all the time so
you can focus on things other than my stupid crap.”  Her mouth twisted.  “At
the very least, I should at least leave you alone so you can actually get laid,”
she smiled sadly.  “I can imagine it could get a little, um… uncomfortable.”

“It can.  I’m not gonna lie to you.  I am a dude.  But, you
know,” he said as he raised himself up, supporting his torso on his elbows and
enclosing her in the safety of his arms, “I’m a little messed up, too. 
Everyone has baggage.  Some people just pack their shit better than others.”  He
paused a moment and simply looked down at her, brushing his knuckles against
her temple, her eyebrow.  His eyes were tender and thoughtful as he quietly
continued.  “It’s been a while since Kim.  A couple years.  I’ve had some time
to get over the worst of it.  I’ve had girls since, although never anything
remotely meaningful.  It’s like she broke something in me, and I’ve never quite
recovered.  But, maybe someday, someone will show up and knock my socks off.”  

The thought of that oddly left a bitter taste in Devin’s
mouth and she looked over at the window while Ronin’s quiet voice murmured in
her ear. 

“Maybe, by then, I’ll have had enough time and life and
living to move on it.  Same goes for you.  You’ve got to give yourself a chance
to heal.  It hasn’t been that long since Jake started pulling all this shittiness
with Melanie, since things went to hell for you.”

“Sometimes I feel like such an idiot,” Devin admitted sadly.
 “I should have seen it coming.  I probably did, but I just didn’t pay
attention.  It’s like I thought that, if I loved him enough, if I became who he
really wanted, we couldn’t
not
be together.”  Devin shook her head.  “Ever
since I met him, ever since that first time I saw him, all I wanted was to live
happily ever after… with him.”

“It’s all a crap shoot, honey.  First of all, you should
never change who you are, not for anyone.”  Ronin grazed his fingertips along
her chin, tugging slightly to bring her eyes back to his.  “Jake’s a dickhead for
wanting you to be anything but, well… you.  And, seriously, you simply
cannot
blame yourself for his behavior, for his wandering eye and cheating.  All in
all, he’s just too much of a prick to really ever make you happy.”  

Devin absorbed his words, wishing they could erase the
lingering sense of loss she still felt.  Ronin rolled to his back, pulling her
up against his side.  His hand softly stroked her hair, and he lightly grazed
her forehead with his lips.  She softened after a bit, and her eyes began to
drift closed as she relaxed into him, drawing comfort from his sweet touch.  In
no time at all, she’d fallen fast asleep again, enveloped in his arms.

Devin’s eyes fluttered open.  She was still snuggled up to
Ronin, her arm resting across his abs, her nose pressed against his skin as
though she could breathe him in.  She felt the brush of his hand as he cradled
her cheek, and her eyes rose to meet his sleepy gaze.  The pale gray light of
predawn filtered in through the open curtains.

“Hi, sweetheart,” he mumbled.  A glimmer of sunlight glowed
in the east as the sun began to peek over the mountains, casting rays of red
and gold and pink across the sky and bathing the room in a faintly warm light. 

“Hi.  I keep falling asleep on you.”

His thumb brushed her cheek and he half-whispered, “On me,
by me, under me.  It’s all okay as far as I’m concerned.”

The tender look in his eyes held her still.  He rolled them
so she was on her back, rising a bit so he was a little above her, and slowly
lowered his head, giving her a soft, sweet kiss.  Devin’s hand slid up to grasp
his upper arm, as her fingers clenched as the kiss grew deeper.  His knuckled
brushed along the curve of her jaw, his hand resting below her ear as his thumb
stroked her cheekbone. 

She could have stayed there forever soaking up his strength,
his lips gently exploring hers, living in this beautiful moment.  But his
iPhone rang from the bedside table. 

Ronin lifted his head and looked down at her.  “That’ll be
Joe, wondering where I am.  Gotta go to work, sweetheart.”  He touched his lips
to hers once more, brushed her bangs away from her forehead, and climbed out of
bed.