Little Rainbows (29 page)

Jason waited until Rogan had left the room before pulling Heather into his arms and devouring her mouth.

“You were magnificent.” He emphasized his words with another kiss. “But now we need to talk.” Jason looked at the collar around Heather’s neck and stroked it. “You’ve got some explaining to do.”

Chapter Twenty-Four

“Let me look at you.” Jason’s voice felt like a caress across her skin. He held her hands, standing two arm lengths away, while he slowly looked her over from tip to toe. His gaze came to rest on her neck. “A collar?”

“What’s wrong? You don’t like my collar?”

He dropped one of her hands and stepped closer to touch the velvet around her neck. “I love your collar, but…”

Suddenly she got it.

“It’s not Darren’s collar, Jason.” She smiled. “Well, in a way it is, but Darren never collared me. He didn’t think he needed to. He said the wedding ring was the only collar he needed on me. We only used this when we played in public.”

His eyes had drifted to her left hand as soon as she said the word ‘wedding ring’ and she knew he only noticed it now. “You took your ring off.” He whispered the statement but she could hear the question he wasn’t prepared to ask.

“I did.”

She was lost for words. She hadn’t articulated the decision for herself and had no idea how to explain it to anyone else. Wearing the ring while kneeling at Jason’s feet in public hadn’t felt right. She’d known Rogan would jump on the ring if he saw it on her finger. Even without the ring, he’d wasted no time before throwing Darren in her face. Those were good reasons for taking the ring off, and they were true. But there was more. There was this feeling, tugging at her. A feeling she hadn’t allowed herself to examine too closely because it confused and scared her. Her thoughts tumbled through her head as she allowed Jason to lead her to the couch and pull her onto his lap.

“You what? Tell me, Heather. Why did you take it off?”

She heard something in Jason’s voice she hadn’t heard before, something hovering between hope and fear. He pulled her close.

“What’s going on in your head, beautiful? Talk to me.”

She forced herself to relax, allowing her head to rest against his shoulder while savoring his presence and the soft strokes of his hands over her skin.

“Part of it was to not give Rogan any more ammunition.”

She saw the disappointment as it flashed across his face and closed her eyes. This was difficult.

“Heather.” His voice had changed. “I shouldn’t have to explain to you how important honesty is. I would have thought we’re both all too aware of the need for communication after the mess I created with my silence.”

Where were the words when she needed them? She didn’t know how to say this. She wasn’t sure what was going on in her head, in her heart. Even if she found a way to articulate her feelings, how would he react? Things were moving too fast. She couldn’t keep up with herself. Her mind was spinning and she couldn’t catch her breath.

“Breathe, Heather.”

Jason’s voice sounded muffled, as if it came from far away.

“Listen to me, girl. Look at me.”

She opened her eyes and forced herself to look up until she met the concern in his.

“I just want you to tell me what you’re thinking, feeling. There are no wrong answers. You can’t disappoint me.” His thumb stroked her bottom lip. “All I want is for you to be happy. If you allow, I would love to make you happy. But you have to talk to me.”

The truth. Nothing but the truth. It would be hard, but if she just opened her mouth and allowed the words to come, she might be able to manage it. No over thinking it. She’d just speak the words and trust they would make sense. To her and to Jason.

“Things are happening so fast, Jason. It scares me. You awakened something inside me when I walked into your office after arriving here—something I thought was dead and buried. I tried denying it and when denial didn’t work, I tried playing it down. But I was hurting when I drove back to Dublin. It was more painful than it should have been. And returning was too close to coming home.” She looked around the room. Jason’s apartment, Jason’s furniture, Jason’s lap. “This isn’t my home. Why does it feel like I belong here?”

“You do?”

The sense of wonder in Jason’s voice was almost immediately replaced by a certainty she could also read in his features.

“Because you do. I want you to belong here, to belong with me, to me.”

It should have made things easier. Jason wanted her. Not just for this weekend, not just because of the party but for longer and more. So why was she still afraid? Why wasn’t his need for her enough to reassure her?

“Don’t you think we’re going too fast? Doesn’t it scare you? It scares the shit out of me. It’s been less than two weeks since our second first kiss.” She hadn’t meant to be funny but couldn’t help but smile with him. “I…” She took a deep breath, unable to believe she was about to verbalize this thought she hadn’t even allowed into her head until now. “I could fall for you.” She looked into his eyes again and forced herself to keep her gaze steady. “I
am
falling for you. And I’m afraid. I don’t think I can risk my heart again. I don’t want to feel the pain again.”

Everything inside screamed at her to look away, get up and walk to the other side of the room, get away from this man who made her feel things she’d never expected to feel again.

“What if I give in to these feelings and urges and it all goes wrong? You told me you don’t do committed relationships. I don’t do casual affairs. How are we ever going to make this work?”

He opened his mouth, ready to give her an answer she didn’t want to hear yet.

“No, let me finish while I have the courage. Submitting to you feels natural. Everything inside me reacts to your presence. Your voice makes my heart flutter, your touch awakens my skin and your dominance touches my soul. It shouldn’t be possible after such a short time and yet I yearn for you when you’re not near me. Don’t you see? If I’m this dependent on you after only two weeks, what will happen to me if I stay?”

The truth and nothing but the truth, God help her
.

“I put the collar on to send a message to Rogan, sure. But more than anything I put it around my neck because it felt right, because I wanted to show all of them, me and you—most of all you—that I’ve chosen you as the man I want and need to submit to. I can’t tell you anything else. That’s my truth. So if it is too much, too soon, more than you want or need please tell me now, get it done and over with so I can leave and try to patch myself back together before I completely lose myself.”

She wants me
. The realization jumped around in his head, skipped to his heart and took his breath away. She wanted to be here, with him. His Blowhole felt like home to the only woman who had ever made him seriously think about commitment. How had he gotten this lucky? He’d gotten a second chance after the complete fuck up he’d created earlier. She could have thrown his lack of communication back in his face and he wouldn’t have blamed her. If she’d refused to answer his questions he would have had no right to insist, not after the way he’d behaved. But she hadn’t. Her struggle had been so clear on her face, in her body language and still she’d found the courage to tell him the truth. She’d shown him all her cards, had put all her feelings on the table with no guarantees he’d be gentle with them. She’d given him more than he had the right to ask of her and now it was up to him to repay her trust and prove she’d made the right decision. He had to find the right words. But first had to create the time.

He knew it would worry her but he had to take care of this first. Reaching for his phone, he picked a number and hoped his smile would reassure her for now.

“Hector. Change of plan. Something’s come up and I need to do my demonstration tomorrow.”

He kept his gaze on Heather as he listened to Hector’s response. He touched her face, her cheeks, her mouth and worried when it wasn’t enough to get rid of the frown on her forehead.

“No, nothing you need to worry about, but I would be grateful if you and Amber could do your second one tonight. Oh, and could you let Souris know? Thank you. I’ll be staying in my apartment for the time being.”

He saw the surprise in her eyes as he put down his phone. “Why?”

“Because this is more important, Heather. You are more important.”

He pulled her closer. “You’ve made me so happy.” The lump in his throat took him by surprise. “I hoped you might feel some of the connection I feel to you. And I’ve been telling myself I don’t have the right to hope for such a miracle, never mind expect it. Not after the way I’ve treated you. Not with us only having met again two weeks ago. Especially not since it hasn’t been very long since you lost Darren.”

“Jason.”

“No, it’s my turn now. I have all these things I want to say to you. I just don’t know how to say them. Twenty years ago, I said that if I ever got married it would be to a woman like you. I said those words although I’d rejected you that summer because I thought my needs would be too much for you. I was too young, too inexperienced, too impatient and too bloody selfish to take a risk. But even then I knew what I’d said no to. I knew the day would come when I’d regret that decision and still I made it. When you walked into my office and subsequently lowered your eyes? It was as if someone had decided to give me a second chance. And still I was stupid enough to risk it all again. Most people don’t get second chances. I did and managed to almost ruin it.”

The sound of rain against the window interrupted his thoughts. It wasn’t supposed to rain. The forecast had been good enough for them to plan a barbeque. He glared at the sky and saw it was probably nothing but a short summer shower. He lifted Heather off his lap and got up, taking her hand. “Come.”

Opening the balcony door he walked out into the rain with her, allowing the soft, warm drops to fall on them.

“This feels like my third chance. I’m not going to ruin it again. I want you, Heather. I want you at my feet, in my bed, as a part of my life. I would love to share my world with you. It would make me happy if you saw this”—he waved his hand around—“all of this as home.”

He saw the smile on her face and followed her gaze. Hundreds of tiny rainbows floated above the Atlantic.

“Our rainbows, Heather. Let them be the sign we need.” He hesitated. Would it be too much too soon? Could he, should he say this? Now? “The truth hit me when you knelt at my feet.”

The words disappeared, he couldn’t go on.

“What truth?”

Heather was calm again as she studied his face. Her ability to know exactly what he needed amazed him. She turned her back to him and leaned her head against her chest. “Tell me, Jason. I gave you all of my thoughts and feelings. It’s only fair you do the same.”

“When you knelt and rested your head against my knee, all doubt was gone. Everything I’d been trying to deny for days was there, staring me in the face, daring me to look away.”

It felt so good. He loved the way she fitted against his body, the smell of her hair just under his nose. He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her closer. He couldn’t bring himself to say the words out loud so he whispered them.

“I love you, Heather.”

He wanted to go on but those four words had taken his strength away.

He braced himself, sure she would laugh, or tell him not to be ridiculous. He expected her to tell him he couldn’t possibly have those feelings after such a short time. He wouldn’t be surprised if this shocked her straight out of his life again. Her silence was worse. Surely she was trying to find a kind way of telling him she didn’t share his feelings, and didn’t think she ever would.

The seconds dragging by felt like hours. Heather still felt the same in his arms. She hadn’t tensed up, didn’t try to get away from him but she didn’t say anything either. He needed a response and wasn’t sure he wanted to hear it.

“Really?” Her voice was soft, and when she turned around her face seemed to glow. “You love me? Really?”

Her smile restored his ability to breathe.

“I do. I mean I know it’s soon for such grand statements and I’ve been trying to tell myself I couldn’t possibly have such strong feelings for you after such a short time together. But Heather, I’ve never felt like this before. It scares me and makes me feel whole for the first time in my life.” He rushed on. “I know you don’t feel the same. That’s okay. I just want you with me. If you stay then maybe one day you’ll…”

She put her finger over his lips.

“Shhh. You talk too much. I’ve fallen for you, Jason. I could never give myself to a man the way I have to you if I didn’t have feelings for him. I’ve been trying to ignore it but I know myself well enough to be certain that I couldn’t have submitted to you if I hadn’t been emotionally invested. Like I said, it scares me. I’ve lost one love, I’m not sure I’d survive losing another.”

She got on her toes and kissed him.

“I’m falling in love with you, Jason. I want to explore those feelings. I want to know what we can be together. If you love me, I think I can take the risk.”

Too much happiness swamped him. The lump was back in his throat. He couldn’t have spoken if somebody forced him. Looking at her beautiful, happy face he lowered his mouth to hers, pulling her closer as he pushed his tongue between her lips, forcing her to join him in a dance of tongues to seal the deal.

The kiss went on. Her tongue answering all his heated questions. It was enough. Who needed toys, commands, obedience, even sex when you could have this togetherness, the joy of intimacy and the promise of a future? The only reason he broke away was because he needed to know.

“Will you stay? When the weekend is over and the guests have gone, will you give us the opportunity to find out who we are together?”

“Yes.”

He glanced over her shoulder. The clouds had almost drifted away and the rain was getting lighter. He stared for a moment and allowed the magic of the moment to fill him.

“Remember what you said about the little rainbows?”