Living Again (2 page)

She turned to face their family and friends. Her eyes scanned the church, seeing almost all of the same faces from their wedding here at his funeral. Her stomach clenched and a sob escaped her lips. Tears fell once again and she willed herself to stop so she could talk. After a moment, she composed herself enough to be able to speak. She hadn’t prepared anything- there was no need. Everything she had to say about Alex was right inside her heart and soul.

Kayley stepped up to the podium and rested her hands on the top to steady herself. She took a deep breath, finding her and Alex’s parents sitting in the front row. She saw her brother Kevin and his wife, Cathy and their three children. She saw Alex’s sister, Amber and brother, Adam. Everyone’s eyes were the same. Red rimmed, full of tears, and watching her.

“Alex was my best friend,” Kayley began, her voice shaky but strong. “When we met five years ago, we instantly connected. Most of you know this story. We met in a college study group for one of our classes. We studied together from that moment on, and became so close that you rarely saw one of us without the other.” Kayley smiled, closing her eyes and remembering. “When Alex and I graduated, we knew we were moving away from each other. Alex was going back near his family in Georgia, and I had a job offer near my family here in Florida. I will never forget that night, our graduation. Our families were all around, talking and laughing with one another. Alex asked me to go out on the balcony of his apartment. When we went out there, and he looked at me, I swear I stopped breathing…” This was becoming too much for Kayley, and she couldn’t contain a sob that escaped. Holding her hand over her mouth, she willed herself to stop so she could at least finish. Sobs wafted from the audience as well, as many of their friends and family remembered this.

“Alex and I were best friends. But, when he looked at me that night, something happened. We stood there, looking at each other, and finally Alex took hold of my hand. He told me that he couldn’t imagine his life without me, that he loved me, and that I was the best thing that had ever happened to him. I was never so shocked, yet so sure of something at the same time. This was my Alex, my soul mate. He was everything to me. Everyone else had seen it, but us. Well, maybe except me. I never allowed myself to dream that that could happen with us.” Small laughter escaped from the crowd as she talked, which helped Kayley not completely break down.

“He kissed me, and I couldn’t find any words. I just stood there and looked at him, and he finally laughed and told me to say something. My mouth opened, and the most important words I’ve ever said came out of my mouth. I told him I loved him. At that moment, he went down on one knee and proposed marriage to me. This man, that five minutes ago had been my best friend, was now proposing for me to be his wife. Our families were watching from the sliding glass door as I said yes, and Alex slipped the ring on my finger. We both cried, hanging on to each other for dear life. When he kissed me, I felt like I was in a fairy tale. With Alex, life was always that way. We lived for each other. He was the most patient, loving person I have ever known. He would do anything for me.

When we found out we were pregnant, Alex cried as much as me. He went out and bought our baby its first outfit. He sang to the baby. He read stories. He talked to the baby. He went to every single doctor’s appointment with me. He painted the nursery, helped me pick out furniture, everything. This man…” Kayley broke off, sobs overtaking her again. Her shoulders shook with the effort of trying to control what she wanted to do—drop to her knees and scream and cry. “He was everything to me. He was my entire life. All we wanted to do was raise our family together, live forever with one another until we were old and gray. Now, our son or daughter will never know…” Kayley stopped. She breathed in and out, trying to steady herself. You could audibly hear crying from the audience. “He will never know our child. We’ll never get to have that family. As much as he loved me, and our unborn child, he will never get to hold our baby. He will never get to see our son or daughter grow up. He will never get to read stories, or coach a soccer team.
He will never tell me he loves me again!”
Kayley shrieked the last line, unable to control the emotion that overtook her.

Alex’s mom took the short steps to the podium. She wrapped Kayley in her arms and they both sobbed. “Alex,” Kayley whimpered into her mother in-law’s shoulder. “Why, Alex, why?” The baby in her womb kicked and stretched, further reminding her of Alex’s absence.

“Everything looks good, Kayley. Baby is on track and ready to come whenever,” Dr. Moore smiled as he finished examining her. Kayley wanted to smile, she really did, but all she could notice was the emptiness of the room without Alex there. As if he realized what she was thinking, Dr. Moore’s face became more serious. “Kayley, how are you holding up?”

Kayley breathed in and out, forcing herself to keep the tears at bay. It had been two weeks, yet it wasn’t getting any easier to acknowledge that she was essentially alone now. Yes of course she had her family and Alex’s, but at the end of the day- it was just her. “I’m surviving, Dr. Moore. That’s all I can say.”

Dr. Moore put his hand on hers and his grey eyes softened. “Kayley, I know this has to be incredibly difficult for you. Please make sure you take care of yourself, and talk to someone. If I can do anything to help, please let me know.” Kayley nodded, not trusting herself to speak.
Everyone wants to help,
she thought,
but no one can help me with what I want- Alex.

She dressed quickly and exited the doctor’s office, wanting to get home. She knew that they baby could come any day now, and as happy as that should make her, it made her horribly depressed. It was bad enough that she had to live without Alex, but now her baby had to live without him, too. She drove home, on autopilot. Arriving at home, she sat in her car for a few minutes and just looked at their house, the house that Alex had bought for their growing family. It was a small three bedroom, 2 bathroom house in a great family friendly neighborhood. It had a fenced in yard and was right down the street from what would become their child’s elementary school.

Kayley walked inside the house and put her purse down on the kitchen counter. She looked at the stack of mail that continued to mount on her counter and sighed. She walked out of the kitchen and into their cozy family room with the huge flat screen TV that Alex insisted they needed. The walls were covered with their pictures- engagement photos, wedding photos, snapshots with friends and family, and of course, the most recent pregnancy photos. Kayley ran her fingers along Alex’s face and allowed the tears to fall that had been threatening since the doctor’s office.
How can I do this?
She wondered.
I cannot make it through the days. I can’t eat or sleep. All I can do is cry over him. Will I ever get better?

She walked down the hall and stopped at the baby’s room. The door was shut. She put her hand on the doorknob and pushed it open. Soft, plush carpet padded her feet as she walked towards the crib. The crib that had arrived five days after Alex died sat against the wall. Kayley couldn’t even look at it then—her dad had to come by and put it together for her and her mom had to force her to set up the room. Now, the room looked cheerful and ready for a new baby. The crib had gender neutral bedding, a mobile, and a cozy rocking chair. The closet was full of baby clothes, from onesies to sleepers to cute little outfits. A changing table had stacks of diapers and wipes already inside it. Everything was ready. Except Kayley.

Kayley ran her fingers along the soft clothes in the closet. She put her hand on her stomach and felt her baby moving slowly around. “I love you,” Kayley whispered. “I will always take care of you. Your Daddy loved you so much. I…” she broke off. There were no more words. She sat in the rocking chair and allowed the tears to fall again. Why did she have to live her life without Alex?

She closed her eyes and allowed the only relief she got to overtake her—sleep. She dreamed the same dream she had had for two weeks now- the last day she ever saw her husband.

“Kayley!” Alex called across the house.

“In here!” Kayley shouted, coming out of the baby’s room.

“What are you doing?” Alex asked, automatically putting his hand on her growing abdomen. He kissed her lips softly and she smiled through the kiss.

“I was hanging up baby clothes that we got at the shower,” she answered, putting her hand on top of his.

Alex kissed her once more. “I love you, Kayley Carson. You’re the most adorable pregnant woman I have ever seen.” Kayley rolled her eyes.

“You’re slightly biased, Alex. I’m fat,” she joked, her eyes sparkling.

Alex looked horrified. “Don’t you call my baby fat,” he smiled. “You’re breathtaking. I can’t wait to have you pregnant again.” Kayley’s eyes widened and she laughed.

“One at a time, Alex. Please.”

He laughed, his bright blue eyes shining with love. “I’m headed out to work, babe. You take care of my baby today, and I’ll see you tonight.” Kayley kissed Alex, getting as close to him as she could with her protruding belly. He responded by pulling her closer, and moaning in her mouth.

“Girl, you better stop kissing me like that or I’m going to be late for work,” Alex teased, swatting her behind. “You save that for me for later.”

Kayley grinned and walked him out to his car. “Be safe, honey. I love you. See you later.”

“I love you too, Kayley. Always and forever.” She watched Alex’s bright red sports car zoom down the road, and she smiled. She was so lucky. She put her hand on her stomach and felt their baby moving.

“You have the best daddy,” she whispered to their baby. Her heart full, she walked back into the house to see what she could come up with to do that day. She was about a month away from her due date, and her doctor had advised she stop working, so of course Alex had insisted. She needed to take it easy and he was all about taking care of her. Her job as a physical therapist was demanding, and since Alex was also a physical therapist, he could take care of her. They were planning on her taking off for at least a year to stay home with their baby, and they had been saving ever since she got pregnant to be able to do it.

Kayley busied herself grocery shopping, lightly cleaning, and having lunch with her best friend, Emily. By the time 5:00 came around, she was busy in the kitchen making Alex’s favorite meal- spaghetti with meatballs, garlic bread, and salad. He would usually be home by 5:30, and always called on his way.

She checked her phone as she cut up lettuce. No call yet. Maybe Alex got stuck with a patient. Alex worked at a rehabilitation center that was attached to the hospital- it could happen that they were short-handed or he needed some additional time with a patient.

Kayley put the salad in the fridge and flipped on the news. She half listened as she daydreamed about tonight- she wasn’t sure how much longer she would be able to be intimate with her husband, and she planned on tonight being an amazing one for both of them. She had found some lingerie that still fit, and laid it on their bed. She planned on lighting candles for their dinner, and having their dessert in the bedroom. She loved showing her husband what he meant to her, pregnant and all. She knew their life was about to take a drastic turn, for the good of course, but it would leave them with much less time for just the two of them. She wanted him to know how special he was to her, now and always.

“Gooding Road is shut down due to a four car accident taking up both sides of the road. Traffic is diverted at this time. There are injuries reported and a Med Flight helicopter is landing. We’ll keep you updated on any further information.” The news caught her attention. Oh, no wonder he’s late,
she thought
. That’s the main road Alex would take home from the rehabilitation center. She checked her phone again. Its 6:00 now. Why hadn’t he called?

She dialed his number and waited as it rang. Finally, Alex’s voicemail. “Hey honey,” she crooned into the phone. “I’m just wondering if you will be home soon, I have dinner ready. I heard there is a bad accident on Gooding Road, so avoid that. I’ll see you soon. I have a special night ready for you.” She hung up and absently stirred the spaghetti sauce.

The phone rang and she immediately smiled, knowing it was Alex. She didn’t even look at the number. “Hey, honey” she purred.

“Kayley?” it was Emily’s voice. Kayley giggled.

“Oops, sorry Em,” she laughed. “I thought you were Alex.”

Emily Andrews was her very best friend. They had been friends since they were in elementary school. She was really more like her sister than anything. She was a teacher and was married with a two-year old girl, Catherine.

“How’s Cate?” she asked her, referring to her daughter. She hadn’t been feeling well when they had lunch earlier.

“She took a nap, so I think she’s fine,” Emily answered. “How are you feeling?”