Living Again (5 page)

Emily sniffled, tears also filling her eyes. “I don’t know, Kay. I just know that Alex would want you to live again. He would never want you to be so sad all the time. He would want you to teach your daughter all of the things you guys loved about life and each other. He would want you to find love again.”

Anger filled Kayley unexpectedly. “Love? He would want me to find love again?” She practically spit the words from her mouth. “It’s been
TWO MONTHS
, Emily! I have a newborn daughter! My husband was ripped away from me, and you think I should move on and find
love
?” Her voice was getting louder and causing a couple people nearby to look at her, but she couldn’t stop the rage from filling her voice. Tears streamed continuously down her cheeks now.

“Kayley, I’m sorry,” Emily soothed, touching her hand. “I don’t mean right now, honey. I know you’re too raw. But someday, I think Alex would want that for you, and for his daughter.”

Kayley shook her head, dabbing her eyes with her napkin and taking deep breaths. “No, Emily. I had love once, and it destroyed me. Alexis will have me and the parts of Alex I can share with her. That’s all we both need.”

Kayley looked at her reflection in the mirror, smoothing her hands down her slim hips nervously. She leaned over, examining her makeup closely. Her hands shook as she wiped carefully under her eye. She had no idea why she was so worried about what she looked like- it wasn’t as if Alex could see her anymore. One year ago today, she said goodbye forever to the love of her life. She could hardly believe it had been that long. She had lived through way more than she ever thought possible. Their beautiful daughter had been born, sleepless nights nursing a baby, taking care of everything by herself, finally going back to work, and realizing that she had to start living again had brought her to this day.

Kayley walked out of her bathroom- she no longer referred to it as
their
bathroom- and stopped at the framed picture of her and Alex by the bedroom door. She ran her fingers along his face, her stomach roiling nervously. “One year,” she whispered. “How did I make it here, Alex? There were days when I never thought I’d get out of bed.” She pressed a kiss to her fingers and then to his picture. Her eyes traveled to the picture next to it, one of her and Alexis when she was just days old. She ran her fingers along that picture as well, tears springing to her eyes at the gaping hole in the picture. Alex wasn’t there. He would never be in a picture with his daughter.

“Thank you for giving her to me, Alex,” she said to his picture. “If it wasn’t for her, I don’t think I could’ve made it through. Looking at her, watching her grow, it keeps me going. She’s
so
you, honey. I wish you could be here to see her. I wish that she could’ve known her daddy other than in pictures and videos. I’m going to say goodbye to you today, for good. I have to. As much as I will love you for the rest of my life, I have to start moving forward.” Kayley wiped her eyes carefully and took a deep breath.

“You ready, Kayley?” Her mother in-law, Elizabeth, stood at the doorway waiting for her. She held a squirmy Alexis in her arms, who held her chubby baby arms out for her mom to take her.

Kayley nodded, kissing Alexis on the head while leaving her in her Grandma’s arms. “Amber and Adam are meeting us there?” Elizabeth nodded. Alex’s sister, Amber, was 28 and just finished law school, and his brother, Adam, was 25 and was in medical school.

She grabbed her purse from the counter and looked across the room at the urn resting on her entertainment center. As ridiculous as it seemed that her husband was in that urn, he was. She had been staring at him every day for a year, and today, he was going to be set free. Before now, she had been hesitant to let him go, needing to feel him there with her. A few months ago, she knew that it was time, and she made the plan for the one year anniversary of his death. Today.

Kayley walked across the room and put her hands on the cool, white porcelain of the urn. She closed her eyes, feeling tears quickly pooling. She felt the smooth curves, the intricate details of the beautiful specimen holding her husband. With her eyes still closed and her hands still holding on to it, she lay her head on her arms. There were so many memories, she couldn’t quite contain them all. She had been doing so well, but today, right now, she couldn’t be strong anymore. Her shoulders started shaking at the impact of her sobs, and one moan that she couldn’t control escaped from her lips.

“Kayley,” Elizabeth’s soothing voice was in her ear. Her loving arm wrapped around Kayley’s shoulders, and she pulled her to her. Kayley rested her head on her shoulder, allowing the grief to overtake her for a short time. Unable to stop herself, she clutched her mother in-law’s shoulder and allowed the emotions to take her. She sobbed for Alex, for herself and the pain of him not being there with her, and for her baby girl, who didn’t know any different but was totally missing out on the most fabulous dad she could’ve ever had. “Sweetie,” Elizabeth gently lifted her head so she could see her. “It’s okay to cry, Kay.” Tears shimmered in her blue eyes, identical to her son’s. Kayley nodded, taking a deep breath and trying to calm herself. She hadn’t even made it out of the house yet and she was already a disaster. She wiped her eyes and straightened herself up.

“Let’s go,” she said, grabbing the urn and her purse. She followed her in-laws out of her house and got Alexis into her car seat, handing her a bottle. As she pulled out of the driveway, her in-laws behind her, she took a deep breath. This would be the last time Alex would be at their house. She looked at the urn, safely buckled into the seat next to her. “I know it isn’t really you, Alex,” she said out loud. “So then why does it feel like I’m about to lose you all over again?”

Kayley turned off the engine but didn’t move. She looked around their favorite beach, not ready to get out. The beach crowd was thinning out, most tourists back in their hotel sunburnt and tired. Locals were walking the beach, some were running. A few families were left, building sandcastles, tossing a football, or riding the waves.

This should’ve been us, Alex, here with our baby girl, playing in the sand. But instead, I’m here with your ashes, ready to spread them out in the sea.

Alexis squealed from the backseat, wanting out of her seat. One month away from being one, she was a little spitfire and already knew how to walk pretty well. She loved coming to the beach and playing in the sand and water.

Kayley took Alexis out of her seat, then looked around to see who was around that could help her. Just then, her parents pulled in next to her, followed by her best friend Emily and her family, and Alex’s brother and sister. His parents were already down by the water. As they all piled out of their cars, they looked tentatively to her to see how she was holding up.

“Can you take Alexis down with you so I can get A- uh,” Kayley stumbled over her words, not sure what to even call these remains in her car.

“Wex!” Cate, Emily’s daughter, saved the moment. She took hold of Alexis’ little hand and walked behind her parents out to the beach.

“How are you holding up, Kay?” Her mom smiled softly, her gaze lovingly searching Kayley’s face. Her dad hugged her gently, then stepped back.

Kayley leaned down and unbuckled Alex’s ashes from the car. She stood up, gently balancing the urn with one hand and closing the door with the other. “I’m okay,” she said quietly. “This is a lot harder than I thought, though.”

The three of them walked down to the water to meet up with the rest of the group. Chairs were set up in a circle, with a table in the middle holding Alex’s urn. Alexis and Cate were dancing and playing near the water, oblivious to the real reason for their beach visit.
If only I could feel that carefree
, Kayley thought, but then smiled. She was glad that her daughter didn’t understand this. Someday, she was going to have to explain it to her.

Everyone talked in quiet voices, reminiscing about Alex and sharing their grief with one another. They had all lost someone vitally important to them: son, brother, husband, friend, and father.

“Remember that time when Alex was 10 and he decided he was going to build a treehouse for himself and his friends?” His dad chuckled, remembering. Kayley had heard this story before, but smiled anyway. The group giggled softly. This story exactly showed Alex’s stubborn yet determined nature. “So he gathered all this wood from the garage, and set out in the backyard to do this. He had a few of his buddies over from the neighborhood. They collected as many hammers as they can find, and asked around for donations of nails. I remember telling him, Alex, you need to make sure you support it well. He didn’t want me to help him, you know, because he knew everything. So, here he is, just this little thing, hauling all this wood and trying to make this treehouse. He worked on this thing for days with his friends. He would come in at dinnertime, filthy dirty and totally exhausted. He could barely eat his food he was so tired. Then he would be out there again at dawn, hammering nails into the wood. He said he was going to be a carpenter someday.” They all roared with laughter, knowing that this was absolutely
not
Alex’s strong suit.

“So after about a week of working on this, he thinks he has enough done that they can have their first meeting in the treehouse. He starts dragging in stools and snacks and pillows from the porch furniture. He goes up to take one more load before inviting the boys to come hang out in his “Man Cave”, and then it happens.”

“The thing starts creaking, and he’s standing in the doorway,” Alex’s mom takes over. “I’m standing on the porch watching him with Adam and Amber, and then, it was like a train wreck I could see about to happen but I couldn’t do anything about it. One piece of wood splinters, then another, and before I know it, Alex is on the ground, surrounded by wood and furnishings and nails. I was never so scared in all of my life, but he jumped up, stomped on the piece of wood, and said, as loudly as I can ever remember him talking, ‘Son of a…’. He then realized we were all standing there and he stopped. Realizing he was okay, we all burst out laughing. That was the end of Alex’s treehouse.”

The group laughed together, then quieted. “I will never forget the time he scared the hell out of my prom date,” Amber started. “He didn’t like this guy, but I insisted on going with him to the prom. So he told me that he was going to have a ‘chat’ with him. I didn’t think he really would, but oh did he ever talk to him. That night, when he rang the doorbell, Alex told me to stay in my room for a few minutes. He took him out on that porch and told him that if he even
thought
that his baby sister was going to be one of
those
girls, he could just walk away right now. Then he went on to say that he
was
a guy and he knew how guys thought and that if
this
guy was thinking that way about his baby sister then he would track him down and kill him. I’m surprised the guy even took me to prom at all after that.”

“On our wedding day,” Kayley began, and a hush came over the crowd. “Alex was very much into the superstition, ritual, whatever you call it that the bride and groom do not see each other first. But, he kept having different people bring me different things every hour, so I knew he was thinking of me. First, he sent me my favorite latte from Starbucks, with a note that said ‘I love you a latte’. Then, he sent me my favorite pack of gum with a note that said, ‘I’m stuck to you forever’. Over the course of the day, he had sent me my favorite lunch, flowers, jewelry, and then, his final present was a letter he had written to me before we were even together, talking about his dream for our life together. Our wedding day, our marriage, our family…” Kayley trailed off, her voice breaking. “He was the most thoughtful, amazing man I have ever known. All of us here loved him for so many reasons.”

She stood up, picking up the urn and heading for the water. “The beach held so many special times for us,” she said, facing the water. The group started gathering behind her. “Alex loved to be here. He said that there was something so amazing about the beach. He called it miraculous, a true representation of God’s creation.” She turned to look at Alexis. Scooping her up, she nuzzled into Alexis’ little baby neck. “He thought Alexis was miraculous, too, and she is. She completely saved my life over the last year. She’s a part of Alex I
never
have to give up.”