Living Again (4 page)

Dr. Moore came into the room to check Kayley. He put his hand on her shoulder and she looked up at him, her eyes shining with tears. The mood in the room was somber at best.

“Kayley,” he said. “I understand how difficult this is for you. But let’s also remember, your baby is a reason to celebrate. He or she is a part of you and Alex, and always will be.”

Kayley smiled for the first time in a long time. “Thank you, Dr. Moore. I know. I am excited to meet our baby, it’s just so bittersweet that it’s hard for me to accept that I should be happy.”

“Alex would want you to be happy,” her mom interjected into the conversation. “He wouldn’t want you crying over him right now. He’s here, honey. He is. He will always look out for you.”

Kayley’s eyes brimmed with tears, but for the first time she felt a slight bit of relief. She was right. Their baby deserved Kayley’s undivided attention. Alex would want that. Dr. Moore checked her cervix and realized that she was already 7 centimeters dilated.

“Well your baby is going to make a quick entrance into this world, it seems,” Dr. Moore smiled broadly at Kayley. “It shouldn’t be too much longer.”

“Push, Kayley, push!” her mom urged, holding her hand. Kayley squeezed her mom’s hand as she pushed with all of her might. She couldn’t believe that in just a few moments, she was going to meet her baby. After nine long months and a world of both happiness and sadness, she was finally going to see the product of her and Alex’s love.

The pain that radiated throughout her body was almost welcome after the emotional pain she had endured over the last month. At least this pain would get her somewhere. Kayley breathed hard and lay back against the pillow, exhausted.

“Come on, Kayley, you’re almost there!” Dr. Moore encouraged her to keep going through her exhaustion. Kayley listened and forced her body to cooperate. She pushed and pushed, pretending that Alex was standing next to her, whispering how much he loved her in her ear. She smiled through the pain, enjoying her daydream.

“Good job, Kayley! The baby is coming!” Dr. Moore sounded as happy as the rest of them. Kayley and Alex’s parents were all in the room for support. Emily was out in the waiting room with Kayley’s brother and Alex’s brother and sister.

At 7:13am, a beautiful baby was born to Kayley and Alex Carson. Dr. Moore held up the baby, and this time, everyone cried from happiness.

“It’s a…girl!” Dr. Moore shouted. Kayley was shocked. All along she was convinced that it was a boy. After Alex died, she was even more convinced to name her son after her husband. But she was a girl! A girl!

“Kayley!” Renee Johnson hugged her daughter, looking at the beautiful newborn girl that was her new granddaughter.

“Is she okay?” Kayley asked, an edge of worry and panic in her voice. Dr. Moore nodded his head.

“Kayley, she’s absolutely perfect,” he said, as a nurse walked towards Kayley holding her daughter, wrapped in a blanket.

She watched as the nurse put her baby girl in her arms. She couldn’t tear her eyes away from the little girl’s face. She traced her daughter’s face with her finger, memorizing everything about her. Her little button nose, her pursed full lips, tiny ears, her eyes tightly shut.
Alex,
she thought.
We have a baby girl, Alex. Look at her. She is beautiful.
The baby mewed and Kayley leaned down and kissed her face.

“I’m your Mommy,” she whispered, her voice cracking with emotion. “I will love you forever and ever. I will never let anything bad happen to you.” Tears ran out of her eyes and onto the baby’s blanket.

The new grandparents surrounded Kayley’s bed, all talking and crying at once. Emily and all of the siblings came in next, and the room was an incredible celebration of life. Kayley looked around the room, watching her family pass around her newborn baby girl, and for the first time in a month, she felt happy. She smiled, and it felt good. The guilt stayed away for just a moment and she allowed herself to feel jubilation. She was a mom now. She was still incredibly sad that her husband would never meet their daughter. But, Kayley knew he was always there with them. Always.

As her baby was finally passed back to her, Kayley looked down at her perfect little face and saw Alex’s face in their precious newborn daughter. She knew what she had to do.

“Alexis,” she announced to the room. All eyes turned to her. “Her name is Alexis. She will always carry a part of her dad with her.”

The room quieted as everyone thought about what Kayley just said. Their daughter, hers and Alex’s. The daughter that he would never get to meet, but was part of him. Now her name would be part of him, too.

“That’s beautiful, sweetie,” Renee Johnson wiped tears from her eyes. “Alexis Carson. Beautiful. Alex would love it.”

“What about her middle name?” Emily piped up. “I think her name should be Alexis Kayley Carson. For her mom and her dad.”

Tears threatened to overtake Kayley as her best friend in the world suggested she name her daughter after her as well. She looked down at her precious daughter, sleeping in her arms. Everyone murmured their agreement.

“Alexis Kayley Carson,” Kayley said it out loud. “What do you think about that, baby girl?” She looked around the room at the smiling, happy faces of her and Alex’s family. The precious bundle in her arms squirmed and tried to blink open her eyes.

“Alexis Kayley Carson it is,” Kayley confirmed, nuzzling her sweet face, in disbelief that she was finally here.

Kayley rocked Alexis, rubbing her back absently while lost in a daydream. She was exhausted, having not slept much at all in the last four weeks.

Alexis was a great baby. She ate well and slept well, except for one thing. She didn’t sleep much at night. Kayley tried and tried, but couldn’t get the baby to figure out when it was night and when was day.

Alex’s parents had stayed for two weeks after Alexis was born, and Kayley’s mom and dad came over every day to help her out. Her dad took care of the outside of the house, and her Mom cooked and cleaned and held Alexis so Kayley could take a nap. Emily would come over almost every day after work with Catherine, for company. Kayley was only alone at night, when her infant wouldn’t sleep and she had all the time in the world to think about what she didn’t have. Alex.

It had been two months since his death, and Kayley still couldn’t figure out how to do life without him. Everywhere she looked, he was there. Even in her daughter’s face. Alexis looked so much like her dad. It was both a blessing and a curse. Kayley wished with every moment of the day that Alex was there to watch their daughter grow. She had grown so much already, a month old. Kayley knew time was going to fly by, and their daughter would walk and talk and be a little person. A person who asked questions about her Daddy. She had already started a little scrapbook for her daughter- writing down everything about her dad, as well as pictures and memories from his life. If Kayley had anything to do with it, their daughter would always know how much her daddy loved her.

Alexis stirred, lifting up her head and looking into Kayley’s eyes. Kayley kissed her soft, fuzzy head and smiled at her. Alex’s big blue eyes stared back at her. When she looked at her daughter, she swore that she was seeing Alex.

“Hey, baby girl, you awake?” Kayley cooed, standing up to change Alexis’ diaper. Just at that moment, her cell phone buzzed from her pocket. Kayley fished it out and looked at the number. Emily.

“Hey, Em,” Kayley answered, leaning her phone on her shoulder so she could change Alexis.

“Kayley,” Emily’s voice boomed through the phone. “Get ready. You’re getting out of the house tonight.”

“Em…” Kayley started to protest, but Emily’s voice cut her off.

“No excuses, Kay. I already talked to your mom, she’s watching Alexis. It’s been two months since you have done anything. You need to get out and enjoy life again.”

Kayley’s eyes immediately welled up with tears. She knew Emily was right, but she just couldn’t think of doing anything outside of her four walls. Leaving Alexis, even with her capable mom, and going out to have fun just seemed wrong. Her eyes immediately found the picture on the wall of her and Alex at their graduation. She wasn’t ready.

“Emily,” Kayley began, “I really appreciate you trying to get me out. I do. And I will get out soon. I just can’t right now. I’m not ready.”

Emily sighed. “Honey, I know that you feel like that. But think of Alex. He wouldn’t want you to be holed up in the house all day every day, afraid to go enjoy life because he isn’t here. You know it, Kayley! He would be shoving you out the door and telling you to straighten up and have fun!”

Kayley’s eyes scanned the pictures on the wall. She hated to admit it, but Emily was right. This is why Emily was her best friend- she knew her so well, but she also knew Alex and their relationship. There had been a time when Emily had wanted to date Alex, before she realized that Alex was hopelessly in love with Kayley.

She looked at her infant daughter lying in front of her and felt fear seize in her heart. She didn’t want to leave Alexis yet. She was only one month old. What if something happened to her, the only parent she had?

“Don’t think about it, Kayley,” Emily said gently, reading her thoughts. “Alexis will be fine with your mom for a few hours. I promise.”

“A toast,” Emily lifted her drink, prompting Kayley to do the same. “To best friends, baby girls, and getting a break.” Kayley clinked her glass with Emily’s, smiling.

“You know, Em,” Kayley started, “I don’t know what I would do without you. Thanks for taking me out tonight.” Kayley sipped her drink, lost in thought. She looked around the popular restaurant, remembering how many times she and Alex had been here, whether alone, with a group, or just with Emily and her husband, Trevor. She spotted a young family across the way with a little girl that looked to be around 2. She had curly blonde hair and was currently feeding her daddy fries and squealing happily when he ate them. Without warning, her eyes filled with tears as she thought,
that should be us. Alexis should have a daddy to feed fries to, and I should have a partner to do things with.
Kayley pictured Alexis at two- maybe she would have blonde hair like her mom, and blue eyes like her dad. Maybe she would be spunky like her dad, or quiet and patient like her mom.

“Kayley,” Emily quietly broke through her thoughts. She had realized what she was staring at. Kayley turned and met her best friend’s eyes.

“It’s so hard, Em,” Kayley whispered, stirring her drink absently. “I don’t know how to do this without him. This was not part of the plan.”

“No one plans to lose their partner and be a single parent, Kayley. I cannot imagine how it must feel- I truly can’t understand what you’re going through. But I want you to know that I am here for you, no matter what. I know I pushed you to come out tonight, but only because we all know how much you need to find yourself again. You need to do the things that you love and be the person that you were before.”

“I can’t be her again, Em. She’s gone. She died with Alex and isn’t coming back.” Kayley wiped a lone tear from her cheek. “I’m a shell of myself. I go through the motions every day. I love Alexis; she’s honestly the only thing that is keeping me sane at all. This was not supposed to be what happened, Emily. We were soul mates and half of my soul got taken away. What am I supposed to do now? What do I do?”