Living Again (34 page)

Ben slammed his front door and threw his keys and phone on the table violently. He paced back and forth, feeling like a caged animal. He crossed the room to his house phone, not daring to turn on his cell. He knew she would call him.

“FUCK!” he raged, slamming his fist on the table.

He dialed the hospital and told his boss that he was sick and had to go home and wouldn’t return. While he wasn’t happy, he obliged, and Ben tossed that phone too, successfully making the battery go in one direction and the phone in the other. He opened his fridge and took out a beer, chugging it and wishing he had something stronger. He had hardly anything here anymore since he lived most of the time with Kayley and Alexis.

Kayley. God. She ripped his fucking heart out. He didn’t want his thoughts to go back there, but they did, anyway.

After talking to her on the phone, he couldn’t stop feeling edgy over leaving her. He had no idea why he was so worried about going to a conference, but he didn’t want to go. Working quickly through a few relatively minor cases, he headed back for his office, where he texted her asking if she wanted to meet for lunch. When she didn’t answer, he figured she was busy with Alexis or maybe had met Emily at her school.

He smiled as he thought about seeing her tonight, and giving her something memorable to tide her over while he was gone. His stomach rumbling, he opted out of cafeteria food and signed out of the hospital, craving a sandwich from Parker’s. He called Kayley, but she didn’t answer. He left her a message, just in case she got it in time and wanted to meet him there. Since he was going to be gone for five days, he wanted to see them as much as possible.
I wonder if I could skip the rest of my day at the hospital and go home¸
he thought.

He pulled into Parker’s, his stomach rumbling for their famous pastrami sandwich. As he parked, he spotted Kayley’s car in the parking lot. Smiling, he was glad she had gotten his message and was able to come. He got out of the car, walking to the entrance. He looked to the left at the patio when he saw her. Holding Alexis. With another man kissing her.

His world went black.
No. Not again. Not Kayley.
Just then, Alexis screamed for him and Kayley turned, her face shocked. Ben stood, unable to move, praying that he wasn’t seeing what he was seeing.

When Kayley called out his name, he turned away, unable to talk to her. As she screamed after him, he couldn’t turn around, except when Alexis called Daddy. He glanced back at her but kept moving to his car, getting out of there as fast as he could.

Ben flung his hands through his hair, his head a mess, his thoughts frantic. Flashes of Zoey mixed with flashes of Kayley tormented his mind.
She’s not Zoey
, his rational mind tried to calm him, but the rest of him wasn’t listening.

He wanted to hit something. He wanted to break things. His heart was destroyed. A little voice inside him told him that maybe it wasn’t what it looked like, but he pushed it aside. How can you mistake a woman being kissed by a man? Making a beeline for his room, he changed into a pair of workout shorts, a tank, and sneakers. He needed the gym. Then he would figure out what to do.

Getting there in an amount of time that wasn’t reasonably safe, Ben scanned his card to get in and headed straight for the punching bag. He didn’t greet anyone. He needed to hit something. Right now. Reaching the bag, he quickly wrapped his hands and started punching, ignoring everything. Ignoring the ache in his chest, the trepidation gripping him by the balls and making it hard for him to breathe, Kayley’s face when she looked at him, Alexis calling him Daddy…the kiss. The fucking kiss! His love, the woman he wanted to be with forever, was kissing another man.

He slammed the bag harder, blocking everything out but the sound of his fists hitting it.

“Holy shit, man, what the hell is wrong with you?” Cam’s voice came from behind him. Ben continued, ignoring him, until Cam stepped in front of him, blocking him from hitting. “Ben. Stop. I’ve been watching you for almost a half an hour. You need to calm the hell down and talk to me.”

Ben stepped back, his chest heaving with the exertion of beating the shit out of the bag for so long. He bent over, gripping his knees as he sucked air into his lungs. Fighting back the sting of tears, he stood up and headed for the treadmill, Cameron hot on his heels.

“If I have to drag your ass out of here myself, I will,” Cameron threatened. “Ben. Stop. Now. You haven’t looked like this since…” Cam broke off, realizing what the problem probably was. “Shit. This is about her, isn’t it?”

Ben stared at his friend, not even wanting to say her name right now. He was still gasping for air, but felt no relief from the pain inside him.

Cameron held his hands up. “Okay, man, you obviously really don’t want to talk about it. But dude, whatever it’s, go talk to her. It isn’t worth this. Please.”

Ben nodded his head once, then blew past Cameron and out the gym doors. Even from a distance he looked like a man not to be messed with. He felt like a ticking time bomb. He was raw and ripped open with his guts spilled on the ground.

He didn’t even remember driving back to his house. As he went to pull into the driveway, he noticed Kayley’s car in the street. His eyes immediately darted to his front porch, where she sat, her head in her hands, not looking at him. His heart beat with longing for her at the same time that fire came into his eyes. At the sound of his engine, she picked up her head and looked at him, her eyes bleary, her face red and puffy. She stood up slowly, watching him.

Kayley saw Ben’s expression from his car, and knew. He was done with her. He was furious. She had showed up here over an hour ago, and his next door neighbor, a nice woman named Mildred, had told him she saw him leave in what looked like gym clothes not long before. Kayley had sat there, waiting for him, and trying to figure out how in the hell she was going to get him to listen to her, then believe her.

Her hands shook and her body felt on the verge of collapse as she waited for him to get out of the car.
What if he doesn’t get out? What if he just takes off again?
Afraid that that could be the case, she started heading towards the car to at least be closer to him if he tried to get away. She knew the circumstances right now. She either would get to him now or she may never get to him again.

Ben stepped from the car, his face a stony mask of indifference. His shirt was drenched with sweat and his face was red with exertion. Her heart clutched. She had never seen his face look at her with anything but love. She didn’t like this. Not one bit. His eyes locked to hers as he made his way towards her, but they seemed lifeless, dead. Her entire body shook uncontrollably, and a sob came out of her mouth as he breezed past her, breaking eye contact and heading for the door of his house.

“Please,” she choked out. “Please, Ben. Listen to me. It’s not what you think. I-I love you more than life itself. God, Ben. Hear me out.”

Ben turned, his key in the door. “Five minutes,” he barked out, walking in the door.

Kayley scrambled after him, shutting the door behind him. Pacing his living room, he looked like an animal about to attack. Honestly, it was a little frightening, but she had no choice but to try to diffuse this situation. She walked up to him, and he stepped back, holding up his arms.

“Don’t. Touch. Me.” He spat out, turning around and walking to the kitchen. He got out a bottle of water and chugged it all at once. Throwing the bottle, it was all Kayley could do to keep herself in place and to not run for the door. If she left now, she knew it was all over. “Four minutes.”

Kayley’s mouth dropped, in disbelief that this man standing before her, who claimed to love her, was spitting words out like bullets. A spark of anger started low in her belly, and she worked hard to squelch it, knowing that he was incredibly hurt.

“That was Cooper James. He’s an old friend of Alex’s. He didn’t know Alex died. I got an email from him this morning, and I knew that I needed to talk to him in person to explain. We met at the restaurant, and I told him what happened. Of course he was shocked and upset-”

“And that means he needed to
fucking kiss you?”
Ben seethed, his eyes flashing in anger. “Give me a
break
, Kayley!” He looked at his watch. “Three minutes.”

“Stop it, Ben! Please! I’m telling you the truth!” Kayley pleaded, her voice breaking. “He started seeming a little inappropriate with me, telling me he was attracted to me before and Alex had told him to stay the hell away from me, and I started feeling uncomfortable so I was trying to get out of there. I told him about you, that I was in love with you! Alexis called you Daddy with him there and that’s how we started talking about you! When you saw us, I was trying to get my things and leave and he stopped me and-and, kissed me! I didn’t want him to, I didn’t kiss him back, and I pushed him away! I pushed him away, Ben! I told him I didn’t think it was a good idea to stay in contact, I swear! I love you with all of my heart! Look at me! Remember who I am! I would never hurt you!”

Ben sneered. “Pretty convenient that you didn’t answer my text message
or
my phone call, Kayley! You were with
him
! Why didn’t you tell me that you were meeting with him? Maybe I don’t know you as well as I thought,” he spat, trying to make her feel half of what he was feeling right now.

Kayley gasped. “You don’t mean that, Ben, you’re hurting. I understand. But please, listen. You’re angry, and you aren’t thinking rationally. I’m not
her,
Ben. I’m not.”

Tears filled Ben’s eyes and he turned away, not wanting her to see him being weak. “Y-you took my- daug- “ Ben stopped talking, realizing he was about to call Alexis his daughter. “You took
Alexis
with you to see this guy?”

Fear gripped Kayley, realizing she was losing him. He wasn’t listening. He didn’t believe her. “Please, Ben, can I come to you?”

“
NO!
” Ben paced the floor. “I can’t do this, Kayley. You need to go.”

Kayley collapsed on the floor, her body wracked with sobs so loud that she couldn’t control them. Her mouth opened and closed but only wails sounded from her, no words. She cried so hard that she couldn’t catch her breath, and began gasping. She thought she may pass out. Black spots started floating in front of her eyes, and her head was reeling. Closing her eyes, she rested her head in her hands and tried to calm herself down.

After a few minutes, Kayley stood, looking at Ben again. The fact that he could stand there and watch her fall apart in front of him without any reaction scared the living shit out of her. “Ben,” she croaked. “Please.”

“I need you to go,” Ben repeated, walking to the front door. “I need time to think, Kayley. I can’t do this right now. I’m not sure if I can do it at all. I’ll see you after I get back from my conference and we’ll figure out what’s going to happen next.” He held open the door for her, staring at her as if she was a mere acquaintance instead of the love of his life.

Kayley looked around wildly, trying to think of anything she could say or do to convince him to let her stay. This wasn’t at all how she thought they would spend this night. They were supposed to be making love, enjoying one another, spending time together before his conference. Not practically breaking up and him throwing her out without believing a word she was saying. She walked to him, as close as she felt she could get without him rebelling against her, and looked into his eyes. Those eyes, that she loved to look into while she made love to him. The eyes that twinkled with mischief when he teased her. The eyes that saw through her, made her feel comfortable opening up again, had told her conversations they didn’t need to say with words.

Her face crumpled as she looked at him. “I’m so sorry,” she whispered. “I love you more than I can even tell you. I would never do anything to betray you. I promise.”

Ben’s eyes blinked and narrowed slightly, the only real reaction she had seen out of him. “I’ll see you next week.”

Kayley tucked her head down and walked out the door. It felt like the longest walk ever, to her car in the road. She turned, looking back at the closed door of his house, and knew. He had just closed the door on them. Forever.