Living Again (37 page)

Her smile faltered slightly, and she nodded her head in understanding. “Ben. You look- wonderful.”

He didn’t answer, just stared at her, wondering what in the world she could possibly want with him right now. Kayley’s face flashed in front of his eyes, and a pang of regret hit him so hard, he wanted to double over with the pain of it.

“How have you been?” Zoey’s face etched with concern, noticing the pain cross his face. As long as it had been, she still knew him.

Ben sighed, running his hand through his hair and looking down the busy road lined with honking cabs, people, and vehicles. “Zoey,” he started calmly, not wanting to lose his shit with her like he did with Kayley the other day. Zoey just wasn’t worth it anymore. “I don’t have a damn thing to say to you. So if you don’t mind, I have a dinner meeting.” With that, Ben took off down Broadway Street, plugging in the name of the restaurant in his phone.

As the conference went on, Ben successfully avoided both Dana and Zoey. He had seen both of them several times, but had intentionally went the other way, and they hadn’t followed him. Dana and Zoey knew each other, however, since they had been friends when Zoey was at the hospital, so he saw them frequently hanging out in the halls in between meetings. That made it easier to avoid both of them.

It was the last day, and he was flying home tonight. He wouldn’t get in until late, but that was okay with him. His whole body screamed for him to go to Kayley, and getting home late would ensure he couldn’t do that. He was exhausted, tired of boring meetings, and even more boring drug rep presentations. Add to that that he hadn’t slept for shit in five days made him cranky and ready to get home, even if he had no idea what he was going home to.

Sitting with a sandwich and a bag of chips in the hotel café, he stared at them, not really eating them. When he felt someone pull out the chair next to him and sit down, he held his breath. He wasn’t in the mood for company, not at all. Even though he had several doctor friends here, he hadn’t wanted to hang out with any of them.

“We need to talk about it,” Zoey announced next to him. Ben closed his eyes, wishing that a hole would open up and swallow him. He bit his tongue, knowing he really wasn’t the man that he was portraying himself to be, but damn, was he tired of this.

“Talk. About. What.” Ben turned angry eyes to her.

“What happened with us, Ben. We need to clear the air,” Zoey twisted the cap off a water bottle and drank it slowly. Ben watched her, wondering why she really cared about doing this now, years later.

“You didn’t seem to care about that when you were
screwing
around on me and lying about
planning our wedding
. Why in the
hell
would I want to sit here and discuss this with you
now?
Had you not seen me here at this conference, you never would’ve sought me out to ‘clear the air’. So why bother now?” Ben was angry, but Zoey could also see the hurt behind his eyes.

Zoey sighed, knowing that this was an uphill battle. Ben felt all of his emotions with all of his mind and body. The years that had gone by had not squelched his feelings. At all. “Would you just listen to me? Please?”

The words sounded so similar to the words that Kayley had begged of him days ago before he left Florida to come here that it made tears well up into his eyes. He missed her so much. And baby girl. She wouldn’t understand. Misunderstanding his tears for being about her, Zoey rested her hand on his arm, sympathy in her eyes.

Ben moved his arm, dropping her hand on the table. “What you did to me was the best thing that ever happened to me, Zoey.”

Zoey looked at him, her eyebrows raised. “Is that right? Then why won’t you even talk to me? Why the tears?”

Ben slammed his hand on the table, causing everything on the table to jump. “My tears have
nothing
to do with you anymore. You don’t get that right. You decided to throw away what we had. And you know what? I met someone else. A beautiful, wonderful woman who made me realize that the love we had wasn’t real.”

Zoey gasped, bringing her hands to her face. Ben noticed that she wore no wedding or engagement ring. “Our love was real,” she whispered.

“If our love was that real,” Ben retorted, “Then you would’ve never done what you did. You would’ve felt so much
love
for me that you would not have
cheated on me!
How long was it going on, Zoey? Go ahead, tell me the story. I guess my morbid curiosity wants to know how you could take out my heart and smash it to pieces, and then
never come back
.”

Zoey looked at Ben, the man she had loved for so long. “I did love you,” she started softly. “I can never apologize enough for what I did. It was horrible and wrong. And you, finding out that way, it was the worst thing I could’ve ever done to you. I understand that. I didn’t come after you or come back to Florida to talk to you because I knew that I had no excuse for the way I acted. I knew that I killed you, and I had no rationale for what I did. All in all, I was a coward. I didn’t know how to handle everything. I wanted to marry you, Ben. I did. I don’t know what happened. I went up to Atlanta to do some looking around at venues the first time, and I ran into Charlie. W-we used to date in high school. We just started catching up. It was innocent, I swear. Then the next time I came up, we met up for lunch. I don’t know where my head was. I allowed him to make me think we could just have a casual fling, and no one would know. I was so stupid. I kept going up there, lying to everyone, just to be with him. But you were the one I wanted to marry. I never wanted him, not in that way.”

Pain shot through Ben’s heart as her words took him right back to the day he knocked on that condo door and saw her with another guy.

“The day that you came to that condo and Charlie opened the door and I heard your voice, I thought my life was over. Essentially, it was. When you walked in and saw me there, and knew what had been going on, a part of me died.”

“A part of
you
died, Zoey? Are you serious? I drove six hours to surprise you, because I missed you and I knew you were up there working hard for our wedding.
Our wedding
. Imagine
my
surprise when I show up at your parents’ house and
they have no idea you’re even in Atlanta
. It took us calling Missy to figure out where in the world you were. She obviously knew of your backhanded, cowardly deeds, huh? So I go to this, this condo, knowing at this point that this is over, that what I’m going to find here is going to completely destroy me, but I do it anyway. Because I had to know, see for myself. What was it, Zoey? The sex? We weren’t good enough for you that you had to find it somewhere else? Because for the life of me, I have no idea why in the world you would do that. We had a good relationship. I asked you to marry me! We were only months away from our wedding. Please, help me understand here. Since I’ve gone this long not knowing, and you seem to not want to let this go and leave me alone, go ahead. Tell me.”

“It wasn’t about the sex,” Zoey said quietly. “We had a great sex life.”

“We had a great life, period,” Ben interrupted, his eyes flashing in anger. “But that didn’t seem to stop you from throwing it away.”

Zoey nodded. “Yes, I did. I have no idea why I did what I did, which is why I never contacted you. I had no real reason. Maybe I was afraid that I was going to commit my life to you forever and that would be it for me.”

“And that was so horrible to imagine, a life with me, forever?” Ben clenched his fists. This wasn’t helping anything at all, it was only making him angrier.

“That’s not what I mean. Please. I’m really trying to explain the best I can,” Zoey put her hand over his fist, trying to calm him.

“You never came back to Florida. You never even
called
me. You quit your job, made me pack up your shit and get rid of it, and never gave me a sense of finality. You just, disappeared. If it wasn’t for Chief, I wouldn’t have even known you had moved to New York.”

“I couldn’t face you, Ben. I was a coward. I have been for years. Here I am, this successful doctor, and I screwed up the greatest thing that ever happened to me. I have never stopped loving you. Every man I meet, I compare to you. I’ve had to live with myself over the past few years, knowing that I hurt the one person who loved me unconditionally. I haven’t been able to be serious with anyone since you. I left Atlanta not long after you did, and never looked back. I haven’t been home since.”

Ben looked at her, this woman that he used to know and love, and felt the anger seep out of his system. Instead, it was replaced with a deep sadness for her, because she was broken inside, too. Whatever made her feel that she wasn’t worthy of having someone to love her, whatever made her decide to ruin their relationship for an affair that didn’t even last, he felt for her. Because even though she had tried to destroy him, she hadn’t forever.

“I allowed you to ruin me for a long time, too long,” Ben started, his voice softer. “I looked at every woman like a pariah, like she was going to do to me what you did. I wouldn’t let myself get close to anyone. I had meaningless relationships, just physical. I worked, I went to the gym, and I went home. I didn’t want to be close to anyone. I didn’t trust. You broke that in me. I loved you, Zoey. At least, I thought I did.” Ben paused, now putting his hand over hers. “I’m not trying to hurt you by saying that I never knew what real, true love was. But when I finally met…” he broke off, emotion overwhelming him again at the thought of Kayley.

“Who is she?” Zoey asked softly, putting her free hand on top of his and rubbing his fingers with her thumb absently.

“I screwed up,” Ben admitted. “I flipped out on her. My insecurities got the best of me, and I-I think I ruined us.”

Zoey shook her head. “Ben, you aren’t that easy to get over. Trust me. Now, tell me what happened. I’m a woman, maybe I can help. Even if I am the evil woman who broke your heart.”

Ben looked at her, this woman he thought he loved for so long, and his heart ached for Kayley. “Her name is Kayley. I met her when she came into the hospital with her baby. There was just something about her that drew me to her. She’s a widow. Her husband died a month before having their baby.”

Zoey gasped. “Wow. That’s terrible.”

Ben nodded. “She was really hesitant to talk to me at all. She was so shut off from everything, having convinced herself she couldn’t love anyone again. But, like I said, there was something about her. So I pressed her. Her little girl helped some, too.” Ben stopped, grinning at the thought of Alexis calling him Daddy. Zoey sat quietly, watching him as he spoke. “Finally, she realized that she felt the same connection to me that I felt to her. After that, our relationship grew quickly. I-I love her more than anything. More than the air I breathe. More than my job. More than life. Her little girl, Alexis, she calls me Daddy,” Ben broke, hanging his head as several tears escaped. His shoulders shook while he tried to contain the emotion that hit him like a ton of bricks.

“She sounds amazing,” Zoey said, absently rubbing his back. “So what happened? It’s obviously very raw.”

“Her husband had this college friend that had been out of the country and didn’t know he had passed. Well, the day before I left to come here, he emailed Kayley. She decided to meet with him to tell him, so she took Alexis to this restaurant. I didn’t know any of this, but was trying to get a hold of her to take her to lunch. So then, I show up at this restaurant and I see her. She’s with this guy. Of course I have no idea who he is. She’s standing up, holding Alexis, and he’s kissing her. I-I immediately…”

“Went back to seeing me with Charlie,” Zoey finished, her eyes now glassy with tears. “God. I’m sorry, Ben.”

“I freak out and leave, not even listening to her. I was so angry and hurt. It felt like my heart had been ripped out and run over by my car. She followed me, calling me, looking for me. I ended up at the gym with Cam. I got home and she was there, waiting for me. I was so mean to her, Zoey. I yelled at her. I gave her five minutes to explain. I didn’t believe her when she told me that she didn’t want him to kiss her, that she pushed him away. I told her I couldn’t do this. I told her to get out of my house. I left to come to New York making her think I didn’t love her anymore. After all we have overcome to be together, she’ll never take me back.”

“Ben,” Zoey said softly. “You love her with every part of you. I know you. That’s how you love. You loved me that way too, and I ruined it. You’re terrified. You think she is going to do to you what I did to you. I will regret that I hurt you this way every day for the rest of my life. But please, don’t allow my stupidity to ruin what you have now. I don’t know her at all, but I know from what you have said that she wouldn’t do that to you. She has lived through hell, too, Ben, and she decided to trust you.”

“I broke her,” Ben cried, putting his hand over his face so he couldn’t be seen. “I did what I told her I never would do. I broke her. I refused to talk to her. I left the state and didn’t give her anything to go on.”

“If she loves you half as much as you love her, she’s there. Waiting for you. Wishing you will come to her and tell her you love her and that you believe her. She is. Because after all this time, if you said it to me, I’d take you in a heartbeat.”

Ben met Zoey’s eyes. “I forgive you,” he said sincerely. “I hope you understand that I will never love you that way again, but I do wish you the best. And, thank you. I didn’t really realize how much I needed closure on us before I could figure out what I needed to do next. Right now, I need to get my ass back to Florida and make things right with Kayley. I can only pray that she will now listen to
me
, even though I didn’t give her the same courtesy.”

Ben stood up, followed by Zoey. She hugged him tightly, and he hugged her back. Pulling away, he looked down at her beautiful face and smiled. “Thanks, Zoey. Good luck. I think we both needed this.” She nodded, tears filling her eyes. “And please, Zo, find love again. You’re worth it.” With that, he broke away from her and headed up to his room to pack. He was going home.