Living Again (35 page)

As he heard her car start and drive away, Ben leaned his head back against the door, letting out the breath he had been holding for the last five minutes. He allowed the tears that had been screaming to get out fall, and he slid to the floor. Seeing her had killed him. Sobbing into his hands, he let it all out. The shock and anger of seeing her kissing that guy had completely derailed him. He had no idea what to do with that visual. Never, ever did he think he would see that happen with Kayley. He gasped and choked, wanting to believe what Kayley said but his heart wouldn’t let him.

He’d been down this road before. He loved a girl who said she loved him and
took his ring
. She then cheated on him for probably months, and he didn’t have a clue. Not a fucking clue! He couldn’t survive it again. He wouldn’t allow it to happen again.

Closing his eyes, her face, contorted in pain, flashed before him. He had lashed out at her. He wanted her to feel the devastation that he felt, so he was a complete and total prick to her. God, he loved her. Even now. But he couldn’t do this again. She was so shocked that he was acting unaffected by her words, her crying. He was so affected he barely held it together. He hated to see her like that. But damn it,
she did this
. When she fell to the floor and sobbed so hard she practically passed out, he wanted nothing more than to pick her up, haul her into his bedroom, and make love to her frantically. To forget. But he couldn’t forget. Not now. Maybe not ever.

He stood up, wiping his tears. The only thing he could’ve done was get her out of here. He had to protect himself now. Even if doing so ripped out the last part of his heart and disintegrated it.

She had no idea how she made it back to her house. She was sobbing so uncontrollably she could barely make it into the house from her car. Kayley walked into the house and straight for her bathroom, where she threw up until there wasn’t a thing left in her stomach. Changing into yoga pants and a tank top, she stumbled into her bed and curled into a ball. She had felt pain before. Gripping, life changing, I-don’t-know-how-I’m-going-to-go-on pain. Losing Alex had been so unfair, so raw and terrible. This, however, was just as bad. The pain that her body was in was like someone physically ran her over with a truck.

Ben didn’t want her. He was done. After what had happened with Zoey, she had done exactly what he was most terrified of. Even though she had no ill intention whatsoever, by not telling him where she was, she had infiltrated a seed of doubt in his mind. A seed that would no doubt grow now that he even refused to talk to her. She shivered as she pictured his cold, calculating look, and the way he demanded that she only had five minutes to talk to him. The way he threw her out of his house without any flicker of understanding or love.

Now he was going to be gone for five days in New York City, and there was nothing she could do to help the situation. What if when he got home he still didn’t want to forgive her? What if she never saw him again? What if, during his trip, he found someone else to warm his bed? To make him forget?

Rolling over, she caught a whiff of his pillow, and a sob escaped her throat. Pulling it to her, she cried, holding onto it for dear life. Just like Alex, her whole house was now filled with reminders of Ben. His razor was on her bathroom counter, his after shave too. His clothes were in the closet. The protein shakes and bars he loved were in the kitchen. Pictures of the two of them and the three of them were in frames. If he never came back, if he never forgave her and believed her, she would never survive. She’d be dead, in most senses of the word.

Picking up her phone, she dialed Emily’s number. Emily picked up after one ring. “Kay? What happened?”

“Please,” she squeaked out. “Please come, Em. I need you. B-bring Alexis.”

“Where?” Emily asked.

“Home,” Kayley answered, then hung up, sobs overtaking her again.

When Emily arrived, she bathed Alexis and put her down to bed without even bothering Kayley. From the sounds of it on the phone, Kayley wasn’t in any condition to see Alexis. Knowing her best friend the way she did, she knew whatever had happened, it was bad. Catastrophic.

“Kayley?” She walked into her bedroom, waiting for her eyes to adjust to the dark. Once they did, she saw Kayley in a ball, her body shaking. “My God, what in the world happened?”

Kayley rolled over to see her, and Emily gasped at the sight of her. Her face was completely swollen and her eyes were beet red. She looked like she had been beaten up, but Emily knew it was from crying. Kayley had been flat out sobbing for hours. Her body convulsed and shook from all of the emotion coursing through her.

“H-he doesn’t want me,” she stuttered out, fresh tears streaking down her face. “H-he kicked me out.”

Emily sat on the bed next to her best friend in the world, smoothing her hair back and wiping away her tears. “Honey, that man loves you more than anything. What in the world happened? You need to tell me if I need to go kick his ass or not.”

Kayley shook her head. “He d-doesn’t l-l-love me any-mm-ore,” she hiccupped. “Y-you didn’t s-see him. H-he looked at m-me like he h-hated me.”

Emily lifted a cup of water to Kayley’s lips. “Drink this.” Kayley took a few sips, then lay back again. “You need to start from the beginning and tell me what happened.”

Kayley took a deep breath and tried to steady her voice. She had no idea how she had any tears left in her, but they kept coming anyway. She told Emily the story, starting with Ben calling about the conference, getting the email from Cooper, then the disastrous lunch debacle, and then going to his house and him kicking her out without even really listening to her.

Emily’s face got hard with emotion as anger bubbled up inside her. “Are you effing kidding me, Kay? He didn’t believe you? Damn Cooper James and his womanizing. How dare he come on to you minutes after you not only told him about your late husband, his friend, mind you, but
your new boyfriend?
And Alexis called him Daddy in front of him, and he
still kissed you?
But Ben doesn’t believe you? Just like that? Oh hell no, sweetie. He’s not going to treat my best friend like that and get away with it!”

“Wait,” Kayley held on to Emily’s arm, full well knowing she would leave this house now and find Ben. “You don’t know the back story.” Kayley motioned for Emily to sit back down, but instead, Emily went over and laid down on the bed, putting her arms around Kayley just like Ben would. The kind gesture made Kayley cry again. Emily leaned over, wiping away her tears.

“God, I hate seeing you like this. I never wanted to see this pain on your face again. Not after Alex. Tell me the story, Kay, because right now I want to go give Dr. Yummy a piece of my mind.”

Kayley told Emily the rest of the story about Zoey, not leaving out any parts like she had previously when giving her the abridged version. Surprisingly, she got through the story without dissolving into tears. “So that’s why he’s done with me, Em. He didn’t have another relationship after her until me. He didn’t trust anyone. See? He’s never going to take me back.”

Emily hugged her, feeling her body shaking again with silent tears. “Oh yes, he will,” she declared, determined that this would not be the end of the story. Not if she had anything to do with it.

Ben boarded the flight, finding his seat and settling in.
Thank God it’s first class
, he thought. He hadn’t had a wink of sleep last night, spending most of his night going over and over every detail that had happened that day. He had ignored several calls coming in from Emily, knowing she was probably pissed at him for the way he treated Kayley. Hell, he was pissed at himself. But it didn’t change the facts.

Turning his phone on airplane mode, his eye caught the picture he used as his wallpaper. It was Kayley and Alexis at the park, their faces both beaming identical smiles. His heart clenched at the sight of her and that precious baby that he considered his own. He ran his fingers along her beautiful face and full lips, knowing that he would never be the same. Not this time. He would never recover.

Settling back in the seat, he looked out the window and waited for takeoff, hoping that during the flight he could have some relief by falling asleep.

Ben awoke as the plane touched down on the runway. Yawning, he was never more relieved to have gotten a few hours of sleep than now. His mind needed a break. Looking out the window, he saw the tall buildings of New York. He had been here several times before, but he felt nothing this time. No excitement to see the city, the people, the buildings, the restaurants. He didn’t want to do anything.

An hour later, he was checked in to the hotel where the conference was being held, a magnificent place right in the heart of Times Square. Looking out of his window at the flashing signs and bustling people below, he felt nothing but loneliness. He checked his phone for the conference schedule for tomorrow, sighing when he realized he would be in meetings from early in the morning until dinner time.

Changing his clothes into a pair of jeans and a casual button down shirt, he stuck his wallet and his phone in his pocket and headed for the hotel bar downstairs. He needed something to do other than look at the four walls in this room and think of Kayley.

He slid into a barstool, glad to see TV’s on behind the bar where he could at least drown himself in a mindless sports game. He sat his phone next to him, noticing that he thankfully had no more messages. He still hadn’t listened to the messages that Kayley left him yesterday. Or Emily. Or Cam.

“What can I get you?” the bartender asked, thankfully a middle aged man and not some flirtatious young woman.

“Scotch, neat,” Ben said crisply, not wanting to give the impression he wanted to chat. He passed his credit card across the bar to start a tab, and he left him to tend to someone else.

He downed the strong liquid, relishing the burn as it made its way to his stomach. He wanted- no needed- to be numb tonight. Or for the next five days. Or for the rest of his life. He signaled for another.

Just as he was ready to down the second, a familiar voice purred in his ear. “Fancy seeing you here,” Dana slid into the stool next to him. He practically groaned. She was right at the top of a very short list of people he did not want to see right now.