Living Bipolar (16 page)

I never thought I'd get pass the pits of hell that I experienced during my teenage years,
but you just got to keep going and keep pushing yourself.
Don't isolate because that makes things worse. While there are bad people out in the world, there are other people who are there to help. Life is too short.
Take your medicine, go to therapy, join little groups to be active, and do whatever you can to keep busy and keep your mind going.

You need to be open with your psychiatrist, and talk to them like a therapist, and if the doctors are in too much of a hurry to listen to you, you need to tell them you just can't just write scrip and send me on my way. You're going to listen to me, and you're going to hear me, and you are going to analyze me, and not just write me scrip and send me out into the world. I don't tolerate a psychiatrist seeing me for five minutes at a time. I've learned to be strong and firm. I need to tell them everything that's going on, whether its side effects or what concerns me about the medications. You need to ask questions about what he's prescribing you before he gives it to you, and you need to learn why he wants to put you on the medication, because you never know what you're getting into, and you don't know if it's going to make you worse.

If you're with the doctor and he just writes you a scrip, you don't need to be with them. I don't care if you have to change your doctor 20 times, you want someone to see how you're doing, and listen to you, and make sure that your meds will keep you stable. There are medications which don't have side effects which are severe, and you can learn to live with them, so you need to know what the side effects are with the medications and how they will affect you.

While I may have some relationship problems today, I'm in school, I'm functioning, I have friends, I'm out doing things on the weekend, and I'm happy the majority of the time. If I have a bad day I cry, and let it go, and it passes. I never thought my life would be like it is today. I never thought I would drive a car, I never thought I would be in college, I never thought I would have an Associate's degree and I never thought I’d be working towards a bachelors degree, and I’m dreaming of going on to get a Masters or a PHD.

To be where I’m at in my life is remarkable. Even though I'm almost 27, and I'm still working on a bachelor’s degree, I don't care because it took a long way to get here, and I'm so happy to be at this point. Today I feel like an entirely different person. Yes, I still deal with little depressions here and there, but today I know how to deal with them better. While my self-esteem still bothers me at times I'm able to function and manage it. With self-esteem as long as I don't have a mirror in front of me I love myself. I love my personality, I love the person that I am, and I'm very open, and I don't care if other people don't like that. It's the physical aspect about myself that I don't like the most, but when I don't look in the mirror I have a great day.

I still have little bits and pieces of anger but it's how I deal with it now. I have issues with road rage, and if I'm going out with other people I tell them that they need to drive, or I try to avoid rush-hour traffic. Sometimes when I drive I put on certain music and I sing along with it and that keeps me calm. When I get upset with other people I try not to talk to them at that moment, because it only leads to more anger, and I will take a break, and explain to the other person I don’t want to argue and I just stop.

My final thoughts for other people are just don't give up
.
Once you get the right cocktail of medicine, once you find the right therapist, everything in your life comes together
. It really does. I'm probably happier than most people who don't have a diagnosis as Bipolar. I've been through so much, and it's really true what they say; what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. Just stick with it, find the right combination of medicines, use those coping methods, use a therapist to vent, and do what you have to do because it does get better.

The story of how a husband lives a marriage full of love with his Bipolar wife.

Tristan’s Story

I had some experience with Bipolar people in the past because I had been in eight dual diagnosis treatment centers. I went to the first treatment when I was 18 but I didn’t get clean until I was twenty-four. Now I’ve been clean for just over three years. So being in treatment I encountered a lot of people who were Bipolar and who had other similar problems. I personally believe there are a lot of misdiagnoses with people related to this, especially in drug addiction. In fact, I was diagnosed as Bipolar, and I was put on lithium and zyprexa. All the medications seemed to do was make me gain a lot of weight -- zyprexa especially. And the weight gain did not do much at all for my self-esteem, and I struggled with this as well as my drug addiction.

While I was in treatment you heard people commenting they were Bipolar, and when everyone took their medications, I would say about fifty to sixty percent of the people were on lithium.
Lithium seemed to be the badge of honor in treatment
and this has been true in all of the treatment centers I attended. I always went to dual diagnosis treatment centers because my psychiatrist told my parents I was Bipolar.

But I don’t think my psychiatrist knew how much of a role drugs played in my life. I was a garbage head with drugs -- I did heroine, a lot of pills and cocaine. I would steal for the drugs and blame it on the illness. When I was in the last treatment center I was meeting with the psychiatrist and he said I don’t know how much of what you have is the Bipolar illness or the drugs. So they took me off all medications in my last treatment center and I haven’t been on any psychiatric medication sense then.

Cassandra and I first met in the room of Narcotics Anonymous 2 ½ years ago in the middle of 2005. I knew from listening to her talk that she had another illness aside from addiction. I knew she enjoyed school -- biology especially -- and that’s how we first started meeting, Cassandra tutored me in general biology. From there we had a lot in common. We talked a lot, and we started calling each other more on the phone.

As time passed Cassandra and I started dating each frequently, and we got more serious, and we developed a relationship. We became an exclusive couple and we got along great; I spent most of my time with Cassandra. I used to stay at her place four or five days a week despite the fact that I had my own apartment. Our relationship continued to develop further. I got to meet her family, and following that I became very involved with her family and her personal life.

I knew she got sick from the Bipolar illness, and soon after we started seeing each other I experienced what that was like. We started seeing each other in August and she got sick for the first time in November. So about two to three months after we began dating she went through her first manic depressive episode where she was not sleeping well, not acting the same, and she was walking around pacing a lot, wanting to clean obsessively. She got a little snippy with me when I asked questions, and she wasn’t really there mentally. While Cassandra was there physically, I would ask her something and it would take a few times to get through to her. When I would get through to her, she was indecisive and she did not give me an answer. I was worried for her the first time I saw her like this, because I had never really dealt with anything like this before.

It’s important to understand when Cassandra had her first manic depressive episode I had a lot of emotions already staked in her. I felt we were a couple, and I had strong feelings for her, and I wanted to do whatever I could to help. But I wasn’t really sure at the time what that was. Now, I realize some of the most important things I can do for her
is to listen, and be there,
and make sure she is taking the right medication, you know, almost watching her.

The first time she got like this it didn’t scare me, and I didn’t want to run. However, I was a little nervous at first but you know it’s something when you are talking about a marriage later on down the road; it’s something you know is going to be a part of the marriage for your whole life. The illness is never going to go away and it’s part of her.

You know I prepared myself by reaffirming to myself that I love Cassandra
and this is a part of Cassandra
.
The Bipolar illness is such that you never really know when it’s going to occur
. It’s not like you can plan for it, and say “Oh, I think I’m going to be sick next week.” One day your fine, and the next day you're not.
A problem sometimes with the Bipolar illness is that when your planning something to do, you can’t also plan for the illness occurring.
You might have a trip a month from now and you don’t know if the illness will flare up. The episodes just come when they do.

Although I was always nervous for her the first time when she went through an episode,
I never viewed it as a big problem for me, because she is the one suffering.
Understand, I’ve never viewed her illness as a problem for me.
I’ve always viewed at as Cassandra is sick, and it’s my time to help
. For the past two years she had manic episodes bi-yearly, and the episode she gets in November is always a little bit longer. But I remember when we first started dating she was manic for like a week, and then she went home for Thanksgiving for ten or twelve days so I had a little hiatus from the illness. I didn’t get to see all of what happens when she was manic the first time.

When Cassandra comes out of the episodes there is usually a few days of down time, and you see she is feeling a little bit better. Yet there are still some residual effects from the episodes. The illness never occurs where she is magically 100%. Usually she goes to bed one day and she feels better eventually. It seems like sleep kicks out the Bipolar illness and then it’s almost back to normal. But you know,
everyday you deal with the Bipolar disorder
, it’s not like you just deal with it a couple of times a year. While she experiences manic episodes a couple of times a year, there is a lot of depression which comes throughout the year.
Out of all that she goes through, depression is one thing that I get sad over; because when she is depressed she will say she doesn’t want to live anymore because she is in so much pain
. Also, when she is depressed she doesn’t enjoy the same things. But she always tells me
it has nothing to do with me
; you know her illness and being depressed.

Once every couple of months she goes into a depression. This is hard to deal with. I know it’s her illness, but I don’t like hearing her talk bad about herself. Although I suppose I have before
I don’t take this personally
anymore.
My biggest attitude and asset is what I can do to make her feel better.
Sometimes I realize there is nothing I can do, and that it’s in her head for the moment. The best thing I can do when she gets like this is be supportive, and help her in anyway externally if I can. I do whatever I can to make her time easier.

One thing I can do to help when she’s depressed is walk with her outside. When she isn’t feeling well, it actually helps her to go for a long walk, about two miles. We do that a couple of times a day when she isn’t feeling well. Sometimes driving helps and she really enjoys going for a ride in the car. But at other times there is nothing really tangible that you can do. When this happens I simply just be with her by her side.
Sometimes just sitting next to her, and watching a movie is the best medicine for her
.

Honestly I do get concerned when she gets sick. I’m invested in her.
I love her and I want to help.
Some people wouldn’t want to deal with the Bipolar illness and all of what it brings. But not me! I love her and I want to make our marriage work! When you love someone, you don’t separate the two.
It’s us, we have to deal with this; I’ve always kind of had that view in our relationship
.

It was hard telling my parents about Cassandra. My family had dealt with me when I was troubled with addiction, so when it came time to explain to them about Cassandra’s condition, they already had some experience with me having some psychological problems, and addiction. My parents have been supportive my whole life. My dad donates a lot to the psychiatric association every year. He’s been a big believer in this area. My parents have always been supportive and when Cassandra is sick my mom asks me every day if she is doing better. In the past I had a friend who had a Bipolar girlfriend, and the way he would talk about his girlfriend’s illness was mean -- like it was more of a hassle for him to deal with it. I never really related to him in this area, thinking the illness is a hassle to
deal with
. I’ve never said “Oh, I have to deal with this today." I’ve always seen at as a hassle
Cassandra has to deal with
.

There are some people who dedicate their lives to helping people, and there are other people who don’t want to help other people, and they want to do other things. I’ve always been the type of person who wants to help people. I think that’s where my heart is -- serving others. From the beginning Cassandra has been there for me when I was a struggling student getting an associate's degree, to me graduating from college last year, and then applying to go to medical chiropractic school.
She has always been there, and she has helped me become stable more than anything else.

I remember the first job I worked with a doctor, who was a role model for me professionally. When I told him that Cassandra is Bipolar, he said, “Are you sure you want to sign up for that? Is that what you want?” I said, “Yeah I love her!”, and he said “Really -- even with her being Bipolar?” He almost couldn’t believe it, and this is someone within the medical community! While I looked up the doctor professionally, I've always separated his private life, and his personal opinions, from his professional life. This doctor is twice divorced and obviously that’s not something I want to emulate.

When I first got to Florida I had an issue with telling other people I was an addict. I was afraid of the stigma of being an addict, and I thought people wouldn’t want to be friends with me, or thought they wouldn’t want to hang out with me. So maybe it was easier for me to relate to Cassandra, with me being an addict.