Living Bipolar (17 page)

The second time Cassandra went through an episode I was better equipped to deal with it, and it wasn’t as long as the November episode -- it was like a week or a week and a half. I don’t know how we do it, but we just get through the episodes. It’s never gotten to the point where I think, “Oh my god I can’t believe we are dealing with this right now!”
I always view it as Cassandra is sick
. When I had the flu, Cassandra took care of me. When Cassandra gets sick I take care of her.

I didn't go to the doctor with Cassandra until we had been together for about a year and a half, and she had gone through three or four episodes by this time. What prompted me to go the psychiatrist with her the first time was her dad asked me if I would go with her, because Cassandra was sick and when she is sick she forgets to do a lot of day to day activities when she isn’t feeling well. Therefore, her dad said it would help having two pairs of ears at the doctor, especially since I wasn't sick and I could better focus on his instructions.

Her psychiatrist and her psychologist told me that it would be better for me if I was more informed by someone who is a medical professional
. When I went with her to the psychologist Cassandra told her some things she was dealing with me at the time, and the psychologist helped me established a perspective in limens terms.
I learned how to communicate better with her, and I learned to not take things personal,
which I kind of always knew, but the psychologist helped reiterate this concept to me again more than anything else.

When I used to talk to Cassandra and she wouldn’t answer me, I'd get upset when she wouldn’t answer me fully. Sometimes I would repeat her name when she wouldn’t talk and say "Cassandra, Cassandra, Cassandra,"
and the psychologist told me I can’t keep asking her to talk when she doesn’t want to
. I have to let that go, and know that she isn't feeling well at that moment and she isn’t going to answer me. While I liked her psychologist a lot, I didn't care much for her psychiatrist. Her psychiatrist was short and rude. I had a few questions for him, and he kind of brushed me off. I would ask him something and he would reply with quick responses to them, and I was looking for more information from him.

Eventually we went to see her psychiatrist with the purpose of maybe taking her off some medications. When we suggested taking her off some medications. He actually put her on more medication, which was confusing to me at the time, and I still can't make sense of it. Even Cassandra’s dad who is a physician got a little peeved at that. The consensus was everyone in the family thought she was on too much medication, and we weren't sure which medication was doing what. We’ve actually got her off one medication now, but she still takes a lot of medication which we know she needs. However, one thing that is up for discussion right now is detoxing her off all of her medication and starting over, but we don’t know if that’s going to happen yet.

Today, I go along with what the doctors have to say. She doesn’t have insurance, and you know it’s not up to me to decide where she is going to go. She has to pay office visits out of pocket, and I can’t afford for her going to any other doctor right now. Doctors are very expensive to the point of six or seven hundred dollars a visit. I can’t afford these expenses so a lot of it is up to her dad where she goes because he helps with the expenses.

I am learning is this is a lifelong process, there is no quick fix, if there ever will be
. It’s just an obstacle. If I had diabetes that would be a big issue in the family -- how we eat, exercising, etc. I view the Bipolar illness as similar to diabetes, and as a couple we have to make certain sacrifices, and there will be obstacles we have to overcome. No marriage or relationship is ever one hundred percent perfect and there are always things with relationships you have to deal with, whether it is money, health or something else. Right now our focus is on health.

Cassandra is amazing and she takes care of me every day. Even when she is sick she still takes care of me. She does laundry for me, she makes sure I’m all set for work, and she calls to check up on me making sure everything is going well. Cassandra is very supportive. When I first started a new job as a teacher I wasn’t keen to the idea of public speaking, and of course teaching is all public speaking. But she encouraged me and reassured me I was going to do well at it. She reminded me that I had done great at everything else I had done before in my life. So it’s all the little things she does things like that to support me -- things that a partner for life would do. Cassandra is great when she is feeling well. She is my best friend and we got along great. Even when I’m at work we talk on the phone a few times a day. We have so much fun and she is a joy to be around. We do a lot of things together. We go on walks regardless of how she feels. We go to the gym. She cooks dinner, and we eat together. We watch TV, we go to the movies.

When Cassandra is manic though, little things, like going to the mall or going to the grocery store aren’t good and during those times we need to be at home. When she isn’t feeling well she doesn’t sleep well, and sometimes it’s hard getting her to take a shower. She is not motivated to do things and I have to be the person to give her a little push. She gets angry at things she would never get angry when she doesn't feel well. For instance, if I leave the toilet bowl open, she takes it to mean that I don’t care about her feelings or something like that. But I realize that's not a normal response for her. Even when she isn't feeling well, you can still rationalize with her, and say “Cassandra I know you are upset and I know you are not feeling well. Let’s sit down and not fight.” When I rationalize with her she usually sits down and we are civil.

It seems when she is not feeling well she gets a little bit more extreme and gets mad over smaller things. For instance, one time I was playing a video game, and she didn’t want me too, and she called her mom and told her she didn’t like me. Also, she can’t take joking very well either when she isn't feeling well. Although I’m totally joking with her, and teasing her, she will go right to crying or getting very upset at me. She has always been more of a sensitive person, which I think is some of the illness too, and it's not good to tease her. Sometimes she takes it too serious.

We get into fights like any couple, and the fights occur a lot of times because we can both be stubborn, more or less, and we don’t want to bend the others way. But always by the end of the day, we have always made up.
We never go to bed angry
. That’s always been Cassandra’s rule: Never Go to Bed Angry. When we first started dating I used to go stay at my place when we would fight, and I would tell her I can’t take this, I’m going home right now. Since marriage we realize that’s not an option anymore and I can’t do that. We are a team and I can’t leave her.

I don’t remember the last time I cried. Although I get sad, I just don’t tear up. I’ve always been like that though. I’m not saying that I don’t cry trying to be a man -- I wish I cried more, but I don’t cry. I get sad, and I know I’m sad, but I don’t get to the point of crying for some weird reason. I’ve never been in touch with my feelings really, and Cassandra is -- Cassandra is very in touch with her feelings. And that’s something…
I’ve learned through Cassandra to become more sensitive
. For example, Cassandra and her parents say they love each other frequently. When they talk, it’s I love you, I love you. Me and my parents, while we love each other, I’ve only said I love you to them handful of times.

It was hard for me to tell Cassandra I loved her for the first time even, but now we say it all the time. And with her parents I’m telling them I love them a bunch before I hang up the phone. That’s something different for me with the feelings. Cassandra has allowed me to become more sensitive. And sometimes when she is sick sometimes, she’s not there emotionally, and I can’t expect her to be there when she is sick. I simply accept that she’s not always going to be there mentally and emotionally. That’s something I’ve had to learn how to deal with. Cassandra is a very sensitive person and she is always emotional and she feels bad if you are hurting. But when she is sick it’s almost like she doesn’t feel something. It’s hard for her to show love.

Sometimes being with Cassandra is like being with two different people
. When she first went through an episode I think I was confused a little bit, because I didn’t know what being Bipolar entailed. I knew it was ups and downs but I thought it was more ups, and that they (Bipolar people) acted the same way -- I didn’t realize that they don’t act the same way. Now I expect it so it’s not confusing anymore. My expectations entering the relationship were I knew there would be times where she was not feeling well, and that sometimes they (the episodes) were a little more intense than I envisioned the first time. But I still expected certain things when she was sick, I guess, like listening to me and my feelings.

When she gets depressed its hard listening to her, because she will talk about not wanting to live. She
never talks about wanting to end her own life but
she will say "
I don’t want to live right now," or "I hate myself
." Me, I don’t like hearing that someone hates themselves, especially when it’s someone you love. During these times
I just try to hold her and comfort her
.
When she is sick that is my time to put her first -- and my feelings have to go on the back burner
. I can get support from another friend if I need to talk and vent. I don’t argue with her feelings anymore, and maybe that’s something I did in the beginning, but once I talked to her psychologist
I learned to not argue with her feelings and not to go along with her feelings but realize those are her feelings at the time -- so there is validity to them
.

Even when her feelings are not a hundred percent valid, they are still real to her. When Cassandra is not feeling well she does not like to be touched. Sometimes this can be confusing because Cassandra likes touching usually, and she wants to snuggle, and hold hands, but she is totally opposite of this when she isn’t feeling well. When she is sick sometimes she likes to be held, but there are times when she is sick and you go to touch her and she doesn’t want to be touched. She even recognizes it. And she say’s I’m sorry, I don’t want to be touched right now. I just respect her and the space she is in at the time.

The hardest thing about having a loved one with a mental illness is
there is no cure for it
. There are medications that can make it a little better and easier to deal with but it’s unpredictable. It’s like if I have diabetes you can check my glucose everyday and my blood sugar -- but with Bipolar
you can really check anything tangible
. You don’t get a number that say’s Cassandra is down a little bit let’s give her some medicine. It doesn’t work that way.
You can go to bed one day and everything is okay, and the next day you wake and she is not feeling well
. The illness happens and
you still have to do things in your life
.
Life doesn’t stop just because she is sick
, so we still have to do life when she is sick.

The way we live our lives is being supportive to one another and having a family that is supportive. Her whole family knows she is sick, and
no one makes her feel bad for being sick
. My parents have realized this too. One time when we went back home to Massachusetts she wasn’t feeling a 100%, and Cassandra took her meds and we dealt with it. It was actually a very fun time for us. My parents love hanging out with her, and we have
the attitude that it’s family and we help family out
.

Cassandra is very good with her medication. When she is sick I kind of oversee it more. For instance, when she is not feeling well she takes zyprexa which helps her acute symptoms when mania is occurring. She can take the medication three times a day when she isn’t feeling well, and I kind of oversee that. If I’m at work I’ll give her a call and remind her to take her medication. The whole goal of her taking zyprexa when she is not feeling well is to knock the symptoms out. Because she gets fidgety and she can’t sit still. When this happens I start to monitor it and remind her when it's time to take her medication.

ADVICE

The advice I would give to people with a loved one who is Bipolar is to get educated about the illness. I knew a lot about the illness before I met Cassandra because I was misdiagnosed as Bipolar, so my dad bought a lot of books on it, and I learned a lot. Me, I've always had the attitude that if you are in a relationship you have to be in it for the long run. It’s not like, you can’t love them when they are sick and not want to be around them, but then come back when they feel better. A good judge of character is when things are not going well. Everyone can deal with things when they are not perfect and sometimes relationships are hard work.

Get educated to know if you want a relationship with someone who is Bipolar. My dad has diabetes so my mom and I got educated on it. As a result she has tweaked her diet; and she has made sure he keeps doctor's appointments.
That’s the way I view it with Cassandra: that she has an illness
. I make sure she goes to the doctor; I monitor how she is feeling. The main thing is to be committed for the long run. It took me a little while, about a year to learn to give her space when she is not feeling well and to be supportive.

The most important thing I’ve learned is
to not view Bipolar people just as ill people.
No, I view Cassandra, as Cassandra, and she has the Bipolar illness, not vice-versa. But some people will say look at that person, and define them as Bipolar and view them as a person. I would encourage people to be aware of the unpredictable nature of it all. You just don’t know what you are going to get sometimes. It could be fine for three months, or she could be sick for three months. You never know. Life doesn’t stop going. You are still going to have bills, and you still have life, and you are going to have to deal with it whether she is sick or is healthy. Cassandra’s parents help us financially which is great. Even though I’ve got a good job, and make descent money, I still couldn’t come close to supporting some of her expenses. It’s a shame that the insurance companies don’t cover more with medications because medicines are so costly.