Living Bipolar (21 page)

This entire time I had been thinking about the harm Landon would do to himself, and I never entertained the idea that he would do harm to me or anyone else. I never honestly believed that Landon would do anything to me, and that was not the reason why I inevitably press charges against him for threatening my life and sending him to jail. I can tell you I had reservations for around two months as to taking action to save his life. I knew that I really loved Landon and that if I wanted him to stay in my life I had to do something. So I pressed charges against him.

The decision I made to send Landon to jail was the hardest decision I've ever made in my life. Hands down. I literally had to go to a courthouse, and sit down with the District Attorney, and listen to the message Landon left me. I was asked if I wanted to press charges and I did. This was the hardest decision I've ever had to make in my life. It's not even comparable to anything else. Words really can't describe it. Landon was my best friend, and my brother, and what I had to do would be similar to a father doing this to his son. It's something that you would never want to do, or that you think could happen.

I was concerned about what Landon's feelings were going to be towards me for sending him to jail. I was very worried that if I saw him the next day, that he really might want to kill me, and with the state of mind he was in I’m sure this was a possibility. At the time he believed that I did hate him, and that nobody liked him. By sending Landon to jail it was an attempt by me to save his life for the future, because if Landon didn't kill himself somebody else was going to kill him. I honestly did not have too many qualms about my own safety; but I was worried about Landon’s own safety. I was worried about what Landon would do to himself, or what somebody else would do to him.

After Landon went to jail I was very relieved that he was in a controlled environment and that there was no way he could do anything to himself. I was hopeful that perhaps the healing process was moving forward. I knew that they would give him the psychological treatment he needed in jail, and they would be able to examine him and figure out what was wrong with him.

I wasn't happy, but I was relieved, because I figured, things couldn't get any worse. I knew that Landon would not be in jail forever, and that was clear from the beginning. The reason in sending him to jail was that he can finally get help, all be it forced help, but forced help was what he needed at the time, as nothing else was working.

The chaos was finally over with. For a few weeks it was hard for me to deal with the idea that I set my best friend to jail, but once I sat back and thought about it I realized it could've been a lot worse. It most certainly could've been a lot worse. I was reassured after hearing that Landon was doing well. But then with the death of our other best friend, Taylor, who died from a heroin overdose brought new clarity for me. The death occurred 13 months after I sent Landon to jail and it convinced me wholeheartedly that I had done the right thing -- because Landon could have very well been dead as well. And I don't need two best friends’ dead.

I probably heard a year and half after sending Landon to jail that he officially had been diagnosed as Bipolar, and that was the problem which caused him to undergo such an entire personality change. However, I had no conception of what that actually meant. To this point when I thought of the term Bipolar, I thought it was similar to being schizophrenic.

Why would I want to continue friendship with Landon? He was my best friend from birth, and I think of him as a brother, even more so than my biological brother.
I love him and that’s exactly why I would want to continue a friendship with him
. He was involved in my life from the very beginning, we were always great friends, and
I know that what happened to him was not his fault
. The things that happened with Landon were beyond his control and not his fault. Initially when everything was happening I knew it wasn’t Landon that was doing those things. I wanted to do whatever I could to help him and unfortunately what happened was probably the worst case scenario, since he was forced to get help by going to jail. There were no other options however at the time.

Things would’ve been totally different if Landon and I had only known each other for a couple of years. But I had known him forever and I knew there was no way in hell that Landon could believe the things he was doing. Because of his erratic behavior it made it easy to accept there was something else going on. Even though I didn’t understand what the diagnosis of Bipolar meant in the beginning, or what the symptoms were, it actually made perfect sense to me. I just knew something wasn’t right with him.

After hearing Landon was Bipolar I was thinking I'd officially lost him forever. Before maybe I believed that I wouldn't have the same Landon again, but now I feared I would never have Landon ever. Naturally I was scared that Landon would never want to talk to me ever again. After jail Landon and I had no contact for three years -- until I called him in February 2003 to be the best man in my wedding. I never questioned whether I wanted to have a friendship with Landon; there was never a doubt my mind in my mind about that. Obviously I wanted to wait until he was healthy before continuing the friendship. Landon is my best man and I’ve always felt this way about him. Hands down.

Getting to know Landon since he’s been on medication for the past five years, I knew there was going to be differences and I knew I would never have the exact same person I had before. Clearly they’re going to be ups and downs and I always know there is something else Landon is fighting, which he tells me about, and most of the time I don’t understand these things at all. For instance trying to regulate his medication to where he can perform as well as he possibly can -- I’ve never to deal with anything like that. But it’s always interesting to see how Landon does.

Obviously Landon is a million times better than he was eight years ago and it’s been interesting to watch how he progresses in his life today. I think it takes a strong person to continue to fight, and to make yourself well, and I can’t imagine having to do this. I know anytime Landon does something, he does it well.
I know you can’t overcome being Bipolar but I’ve seen Landon regulate the illness to where he can live life and be happy.
And Landon has always seemed happy over the past five years, except of course with the day to day stuff which can stress anybody out. Everybody will have a bad day every now and then.

It’s been very educational over the past five years, because again, I had no idea this illness existed beforehand. Previously I was totally ignorant to the Bipolar illness and I had no clue as to the fight that a person suffering with the Bipolar illness must go through on a daily basis.

Because of my inexperience with the illness I had no idea what a person goes through trying to get regulated with medication, and the other additional challenges a Bipolar person must go through to make themselves well. For instance finding the right medication I know is very challenging. In addition to this, there are the side effects which the person must deal with which is another problem in and of itself. Maybe Landon will feel better on this medication but then he’s not able to sleep, or you take this medication and he will gain a lot of weight but it makes you feel good. It seems to be a catch 22 with the medication and the side effects. I don’t even take Tylenol, or aspirin, so it’s difficult for me to grasp what Landon is going through.

The additional challenges Landon faces with the illness shows how strong of a person he really is. Even with all the adversities Landon faces with getting stable on medication, he is able to deal with the rest of his life in a remarkable manner. He paid his way through college and graduated with honors which is amazing. Now he’s in graduate school, that’s phenomenal. That’s why every time I speak with him I tell him he’s the man, because the majority of people in the real world couldn’t do what he does. It’s simply amazing to me.

Really and truly there are not too many changes I’ve noticed with Landon since he’s been on medication. Usually when I talk to Landon it’s very normal and there’s nothing unusual about the experience. There’s nothing really that stands out to me. I know sometimes he gets moody and maybe has to go to bed earlier because of the medication, but aside from this there’s nothing major that I see. I think that it’s amazing and it clearly goes back to how he works on himself with his doctors.

Because of the way I saw Landon eight years ago
I never expected that things would be this well with him
. That was the scary part when Landon was going through his mania, I questioned if he could really come back to resemble any of the person I knew before. Maybe I’m somewhat blinded by the fact that I love Landon, but he is very much a normal person to me, although there are times when he tells me he doesn’t feel this way, and during these times when his thinking is erratic I help encourage him that life in reality is okay.

At the time when Landon was going through his mania I wasn’t aware that he needed medical help, and at the time I thought I would be able to talk to him to make things better. I thought I could talk him out of some of his behaviors and I thought I could make him feel better and that would make the situation as a whole better. But that’s not possible.
The Bipolar illness is an illness that has to be medicated
.

I would tell other people who are going through a similar situation that I went through with Landon,
to try to
as gently as possibl
e
to explain to the other person that they need to seek professional help
. When you talk to the person you don’t want to back them into a corner and make them think that there’s no other choice. If you back them into a corner then you’re going to fail at getting them the help they need.

You have to be very conscious of the way you express to them that you think there is something wrong with them;
because I guarantee you that the person suffering from the Bipolar illness does not think anything is really wrong with them
. And they’re going to think you are crazy and they are going to think that you’re out to get them in some way, shape, or form. Trust me the last thing that you want to do is escalate the situation, like I experienced with Landon. Most people would not remain friends after what happened between Landon and myself. I sent Landon to jail, and nobody else did that. I was nervous that he wouldn’t want to remain friends with me, but I knew in my heart that I wanted us to remain friends forever.

I was concerned that Landon would not want to remain friends with me after I sent him to jail; even though I was doing what I thought was in his best interest to help him. Most friends would not make it through an experience like this. If someone else has a friend who is Bipolar you don’t want the situation to get as bad as it was between Landon and myself. If you can’t convince the person by themselves they need to get help, perhaps you want to get other family members and friends involved. Do whatever it takes. You also want to try not to hurt anyone else’s feelings. My advice is you definitely want to take care of the situation before it gets out of control.

Finally it’s important for the friend to remember how the other person was before the Bipolar illness
. Essentially that’s what you want to get back to, because if you really care about the person you want to re-create how they were before the illness struck them. You do whatever you have to do to save the other person’s life, because eventually the Bipolar person will lose their life.
As a friend that’s your job -- to save their life when they are incapable of making rational decisions for themselves
. Because a person that is sick doesn’t know it and even if the Bipolar person does recognize the illness they will have little comprehension as to the debilitating nature of it.
Ultimately it goes back to the question, “Do you really care about this person
?” If the answer is yes then
what you need to do
is
help the other person
because the person with
the Bipolar illness cannot help themselves
. That’s the unfortunate reality of it.

Do not remain ignorant regarding the situation, research and educate yourself as much as you can, because we’re not doctors, rather we are just regular people dealing with a very serious situation. It’s definitely been a roller coaster on my end, and I can’t even imagine what Landon goes through. I would encourage others to not hate the other person because of the Bipolar illness which affects their everyday life and their feelings. Don’t hold that against them. Being Bipolar is not the person’s fault, it’s really not.

Remember the person that you love.

The ultimate goal is to get them back.

So for anybody else out there don’t think your situation is special. Landon and I are just regular normal people. I understand that everybody else’s situation is different, and unique, but I don’t understand how Landon and I can still be best friends and anybody else going through similar situation could not remain best friends. Because again I don’t see a situation being more extreme than others.

If you don’t know about the Bipolar illness, then go learn about it. It’s always best to have as much information as possible when you’re dealing with something that you don’t know about. Educate yourself as much as possible, because there are going to be situations which arise which you don’t know about or understand, and when that happens you need to figure out as much as you can about the situation, so you know how to handle it.

Honestly the most I’ve learned about the illness has come from conversations I’ve had with Landon. He has helped me the most by telling me what he experiences on a day-to-day basis and how he feels. My personal contact with Landon has been the greatest education I could possibly have. This shows how good of a person Landon is by opening up to me and saying look at me I’m flawed, this is what’s wrong with me -- but despite all of this I will be fine.