Living Bipolar (15 page)

The self-mutilation was a way to make the pain go away. In one case, I smashed a mirror, and took a piece of glass and cut myself. This event put me in the hospital again, and one of the doctors said something that really hit me. He said if you love someone let it go, and if it comes back to you it's meant to be. I started to think about that statement and it made a lot of sense to me. This time in the hospital they knew I was Bipolar and they weren't saying much else to me about it. I was just dealing with the depression at this point.

For most of my life it seems like I've been a guinea pig with medications. One combination doesn't work, so the doctors switch you around, and then you experience side effects from the new medications, so they put you on more medications to combat those side effects. You're constantly being juggled with medications. The side effects range from weight gain, to acne, even more depression, hair falling out, and tons of headaches. I used to get headaches to where I couldn’t function and migraines that lasted 24 hours a day.

The med changes have really frustrated me since I started taking them. I'm the type of patient that goes home and does the research on the medications. I know about my background as a patient, I know everything about being Bipolar, I know about the medications, and I make sure I read up on the medications before I take them. All the medicine changes have been difficult to deal with. I’ve always told the doctors I’m not a fucking guinea pig. I would explain at times that you want me to take these medications, but they are only making me feel worse. The doctors would reiterate to me we have to find the right combination, and my attitude was just finding it all ready.

Manic-depressive illness can push patients to the limits of their resources. It is a complicated and frustrating illness, seemingly impossible to sort through. It takes a heavy emotional toll on family members and friends, the repercussions of which add further psychological stress to the patient. The illness often seems within the patient’s control, yet it is not. It often carries with it a psychotic diagnosis, an uncertain course, and a lifetime sentence of medication. Especially when not treated and aggressively, it is costly in loss of self-esteem, disrupted relationships, secondary alcoholism and drug abuse, economic chaos, hospitalizations, lost jobs, years consumed by illness, and suicide.

Goodwin and Jamison 1990: 728

When I thought we had found the right combination of medications, and I could deal with the side effects, something happened to where I couldn't take the medicine anymore. For instance, I would fall into another depression, and I couldn't function anymore. Medication issues are hard, and dealing with different doctors is just as hard at times. The doctors would write scripts for whatever I wanted. The doctors were Looney Tunes just like me and they really didn't care about my well being at all.

Money issues with the medications are an entirely different issue. For a time period I had been using my mom's private insurance until I got on Medicaid and Medicare this past year. I would spend over $400 to $500 a month on medications. Now I'm on Medicaid and Medicare and it's an AARP program for people who have very little money.

I've been on disability since I was 18 years old, and on disability they check up on you every couple years to make sure that you don't need any more medications or to see if you are functioning better. My dad had set up disability for me because he was on disability so he knew how to go about that. So for a long time I have been living on disability, and I was not aware of all these extra medical plans that were available. Now I pay no more than a dollar to three dollars per medications, and everything is pretty much covered. This has saved me a ton of money.

The questions I've learned to ask doctors
are, “Will this medication interact with these other medications I’m on?”, “What are the side effects?”, “Will the medications cause me any long term damage to any organs?”, and other questions like that. I will also ask “Will this medication stable me out?” or “Will it cause me not to function?”, “Will I be able to drive?” I always want to know what I’m getting into with the medicines I take.

I’ve always been curious to know if the medications were something necessary, or if there was something better out there instead. Most of the medications I'm aware of all ready because of the research I've done, therefore, if the doctors mentioned a medication for me to start, I would question why they wanted me to be on it, because I've read about it and maybe I didn't think it's necessary. Then they would explain why they wanted me to take it.

My therapist says that I'm very insightful and he doesn't have many clients that bother asking questions.
Asking questions to my doctor is important for me to do, because it's my body, and I care about myself, and I want to know what's going to happen.
I also believe questions are important because I don't want to feel any worse. I want to make sure there are benefits that are going to come, and I don't want to fall into another severe depression, and not be able to function.

Honestly being Bipolar is one of the hardest things imaginable. I know people have physical issues, cancer, paralysis, and this and that, but the Bipolar illness is a blind disorder,
and not only does it affect me, it makes it difficult to deal with other people
, because most people have little knowledge of mental illnesses. When other people hear about a mental illness they put a label on you that you’re crazy.
Being Bipolar doesn't mean that I'm crazy; it means that I have a chemical imbalance, and I need medications just like diabetic needs insulin.

The Bipolar illness is hard because when you fall into a depression you don't think things are ever going to get better, and it's over with, and you don’t want to live anymore. You think you've hit rock bottom, and you don't think you'll ever rise up, and you can’t see the light anymore.

Krapeline (1921) gives a graphic description of the profound despair and hopelessness of depression:

Mood is sometimes dominated by a profound inward dejection and gloomy hopelessness, sometimes more by indefinite anxiety and restlessness. The patient's heart is heavy, nothing can permanently rouse his interest, nothing gives him pleasure. . ..

He feels solitary, indescribably unhappy, as "a creature disinherited of fate"; he is skeptical about God, and with a certain dull submission, which shuts out every comfort and every gleam of light, he drags himself with difficulty from one day to another. Everything has become disagreeable to him; everything wearies him, company, music, travel, his professional work. Everywhere he sees only the dark side and difficulties, the people round him are not so good and unselfish as he had thought; one disappointment and disillusionment follows another. Life appears to him aimless, he thinks that he is superfluous in the world, he cannot restrain himself any longer, the thought occurs to him to take his life without his knowing why. He has a feeling as if something had cracked in him, he fears that he may become crazy, insane, paralytic, the end is coming near (p. 76).

Goodwin and Jamison 1990: 37

There were times when I thought the depression would last forever, and I didn't want to live because of the pain that I experienced when you can't function in your everyday life. Sometimes you can’t even get out of bed and do a stupid errand. You don't even want to brush your teeth because you're so depressed, and showering is too much of a hassle. Sometimes you don't even want to function and you can't function.
Now I'm at a point where I can actually say to myself that it will pass, and even though it's hard at that time, and I still have a hard time functioning, I try to push myself even more, especially now. In my heart I know it will get better. I've gotten to this place so many times that I'm at the point now when I do fall into a depressions, I realize yes it sucks, but I keep telling myself this will pass, this too will pass. I have to keep reassuring myself that it's not going to stay like that forever.

I know with depressions I not only have sadness but I have anger and irritability as well. I've learned there's times when I need to keep my space so I can remain calm. I will take little breaks from people here and there, but a lot of people don't understand my need for space and they get upset. But I’ve learned I need to backup to protect them.
Sometimes you just need to go take a breather, and sometimes it’s best not to associate with people at a particular moment.
Sometimes you just need to step back and take a couple moments for yourself.

I've learned that as much as it as it may hurt, and that even though I don’t want to move, and I don't want to function,
the more I push myself the further I get.
I push myself by telling myself, let's take baby steps
. I’ll say, "Okay maybe I don’t want to go out, but let’s first start with a shower and see where that takes us." Little by little, I’ll say let's go make something to eat, because sometimes I’m so depressed that I don’t want to get out of bed to eat. By pushing myself eventually I'll wind up in the car and in the sunshine and see the light and it would change my mentality so much.

Music tends to be an outlet for me.
Going in the car, getting fresh air and listening to music helps me tremendously.
I was one of those people who ate food a lot during depression which doesn't help you, and essentially it ends up hurting you. Now maybe I will splurge on a Snickers bar here and there, but I'm not going to a fast food restaurant, and get a bunch of take out. I can’t say that my eating habits are great but I've learned to think before I do things now.

To live a healthy functional life today I try to avoid as much drama as possible.
Of course, there will always be something, and you will have an argument with someone about something, maybe school will stress you, and other things will come up.
But today I just deal with each situation one by one, and not as a whole anymore.
If I allow things to build up it overwhelms me, so I deal with one thing at a time. I’m constantly working on keeping my stress level down.

Stress and Bipolar Disorder

Your level of stress may also affect how long it takes you to get over a bipolar episode…If you have bipolar disorder, encountering a major life change -- whether positive or negative -- increases your likelihood of having a bipolar reoccurrence.

-Miklowitz 2002: 90

I make a list of things to accomplish, because I've been scatterbrained my whole life, and I'm not the most organized person. Therefore I work on being more organized and set up schedules and plans.

Today I avoid negative people
because I'm at a better stage in my life, and when you have negative people around it tends to drag you down. This doesn't mean I'm not going to listen to one of my friends problems and discuss an issue with them. What I mean is if someone is constantly negative I don't want them around, because it does affect me
. I have enough of my own issues to deal with, and maybe it's a little bit selfish by not having negative people in my life, but it's about me now; it's about me staying healthy and what I need to do.

I need to take medicine to be healthy. I see a therapist to help me with daily living. I work on self-esteem issues constantly because self-esteem seems to be the biggest issue with me.
To improve my self-esteem it’s an ongoing process where I focus on the good.
I will look in the mirror and even though I may be overweight I will say to myself, “Wow your eyes look pretty today,” or “You have a nice smile today,” and I focus on the good, rather than focus on the bad. I realize today that people aren’t looking at you, and they aren't judging you. Other people really don't care about you, and after the moment they see you they aren’t going to think about you again.

Personality is assumed to be altered by the experience of affective illness. Changes in self-esteem, social interactions patterns, ability to sustain meaningful relationships and employment, and frequent fluctuations in moods, energy, perceptions, and thinking are all thought to cause and reflect short-term or long-term personality changes that can be reversible or irrepressible.

Goodwin and Jamison 1990: 283

I realize I have a great personality. I have tons of friends now because I’ve become such a social butterfly and I was never like this before. I meet people at school and I make an effort to have friends today. This is a huge change for me, because in the past I used to be the girl that walked with their head to the ground. I was the one who hid on the weekends and never went out.

Before I basically avoided life, and people, and now I talk to everyone, I'm very friendly, and outgoing. I don't care what people think to some degree. Of course I’m always a little concerned, and self-conscious about physical stuff, but when it comes to speaking my mind, and being open on certain topics, that's something I have going for me.

For anyone who has suffered like me the hope I can offer is if they turn out to be half as good as I am now, their life will be great. I'm not even done healing and that's what they need to focus on:
healing
. I've gone from not leaving the house for long periods of time, and crying myself to sleep, to where now I hate being stuck at home.
Today I need to go out and see people and face the world, and life does get better, it truly does
. Things get better by staying constant with the doctor, and if you're not satisfied with them you need to change your doctor. You need to keep yourself informed on your medications, know what's going on, and be aware how you're feeling.

You need to keep a journal and log things in so when you go see your doctor you have things to discuss. You need to stay on top of your medications and the side effects you experience. You need to be aware of what's going on daily in your life, and you need to communicate with other people.

As much as you may be afraid that you're being judged by other people there are many people who have the same feelings that you have. By communicating with other people I've learned, for instance, being in school, and you will meet someone, and you start talking about your life, the things that bother you, then the other person starts opening up to you, and you realize,
Wow other people have issues too
! Other people get depressed, and other people feel the way that I feel.
Once you realize you're not alone it helps you tremendously.