Logan Kade (Fallen Crest #5.5) (37 page)

He looked at me, drawing in a deep breath. His lips pressed together before he said, “I’ve not been here for you…”

I kept shaking my head. He had no idea. None at all. “I lost my mom, and you. I lost
both
of you.”

“Taylor, I…you’re right. I can’t take it back.”

I held up a hand, stopping him again. “Why are you here today?”

“We don’t have a game, and…” He scanned my face, seeming hesitant to say his next words. They came out in a rush. “I got tired. I got tired of hiding and avoiding. I did leave this morning. I was going to stay at the arena all day, but no one was there.” His head hung low. “I couldn’t think of a reason to stay away, so I came home.”

A guttural laugh ripped through me. I didn’t know how to take this. He was my father, and he’d left me high and dry.

But he lost me, too, honey.
A lump formed in my throat. I could hear my mom in my head. Even now, even gone for so long, I knew she would’ve been forgiving. She would want me to forgive, too.

“You weren’t there for me,” I said, my voice hoarse.

“I know.” His eyes shut tight and his forehead wrinkled. “I am so, so sorry, Taylor. I really am. I…it sounds stupid when I say it out loud, but I woke up today. I’ve been…escaping takes a lot of work, I’ve realized. I need to use that energy for something else, so I’m here. I’m not leaving tonight, tomorrow. I’ll be home in the evenings. I really will. You and me, it’ll be like we’re father and daughter again. Not—”

“—roommates?” I supplied.

He stopped, and his shoulders slumped. It was like I’d taken whatever oomph he’d had in him. My father was gone.

I was staring at a husband who’d lost his wife, and seeing him that way, I understood the grief still there. They’d been best friends and soulmates. He lost his other half. I could see the battle and how it weighed on him. A knot formed in me, and seeing my father as a man, not just as my dad, made it even tighter. It was bittersweet, and it was necessary.

“I’m sorry, too, Dad,” I whispered.

His eyes lifted, haunted. “I’m so sorry, Taylor. I really am.”

I had to say some things, and I knew they were going to hurt him, but if I held my feelings in, they would never leave me. “I’m angry at you.”

“Oh, honey. I know. And you have every right to be.”

I shook my head. I wasn’t done. “I’m angry at you for so many reasons, but mostly I’m angry at you because you haven’t been around.” I flinched, remembering what I’d said. “Your daughter shouldn’t be your roommate. Ever.” He was supposed to be here. “You were supposed to hold my hand at the funeral.” He made sure someone else sat between us. “You were supposed to hug me when we buried her.” He stood on the other side of the casket. “You were supposed to tell me everything would be okay.” Never. I hadn’t known if it would be or not. “I get it. You’re mourning her, too, but so am I. I wanted to mourn
with
you,
beside
you,
together
. Instead I lost you too. I’m not supposed to lose
both
of you—not when one of you is still walking, talking, breathing. Not when you’re right here in front of me.”

“Taylor,” he whispered, tears falling down his face.

“We don’t talk. I don’t talk. I learned that from you and Mom dying, we need to talk about that. We have to talk about her. We have to just talk, Dad.”

“I know. You’re like me. Your mother was the talker. She made everything better for us, but you’re right. We need to talk more.” He tried to smile, but couldn’t. He nodded instead.

“Are you going to be okay?”

At that question, a ragged breath left him, and he shook his head. I was staring at a battered man. I saw the bags under his eyes, the wrinkles I never noticed before. There were extra lines around his mouth, and his entire face seemed to hang loose. The skin sagged where it had been tight before. He aged ten years.

“I’m going to try,” he finally said. He looked at me. “For you.”

I nodded. That was the best answer I could have received. “Okay.”

We stood there together, and nothing more needed to be said—at least, not for a while. I could feel her. She stood with us, smiling. I knew my mother wanted us to be a family again. It’d happen.

Love you, Mom.

Love you back, Firecracker.

LOGAN

Mason’s head appeared over the roller coaster as he made his way to where I sat in the car at the top of the track. So much for this being a secret. He finished his ascent, I could see him looking around, a slight frown on his face.

I had to laugh.

Mase called and said our dad wanted to meet up for a later dinner. The favor he wanted had to be done in-person and that meant it was a big one, one we wouldn’t be happy about. That was like issuing a challenge. Usually I’d pounce on that shit like a starving lion. Challenge accepted. A month ago, I would’ve shoved through those doors, walked into the room like I owned it, and ripped into our dad. Fuck. A day ago I’d have had the same response. But not today. Today I came here.

This day…was so much not like the rest.

“What…” Mason paused next to the car door. “…the fuck are you doing up here?”

I grinned, leaning back. “I usually come at night.” I gestured to the view. “The entire city’s out there.”

“It’s dangerous, Logan.” He eyed the empty seat next to me. “That’s safe, right? I mean, you wouldn’t be up here if it wasn’t…right?”

I scooted over and patted the seat. “All warm and cozy for you.”

He groaned, but climbed inside. “Tell me I’m the best big brother you got.” He grimaced. “I fucking hate heights.”

“You’ll never jump out of a plane.” I cocked my head to the side, teasing. “You’ll never experience a high-ropes course.”

He frowned. “Fucking A. I can’t even think about some of that shit.”

I was just getting started. “You’ll never go parasailing. You’ll never zip-line anywhere…ever.” That one did suck. “Holy shit, Mase. What the hell are you going to experience in life? You may as well shrivel up and die now.” I laughed and slapped him on the back. “Does Sam know?”

He gripped the bar in front of us, but threw me a half-smile. “That I’m your big brother?”

“That you’ll never be an extreme sports junkie. Her dream of making love on the side of a cliff will never come true.” I patted my chest. “You know, a year ago I would’ve offered to fill in for you, but—” The joke died. I didn’t have it in me. I liked to get a rise out of him, but my spark was gone. Taylor had snuffed that out. Pretending to hit on Sam no longer gave me joy.

“Shut the fuck up.” His eyes flashed a warning. “I’m here. I’m sitting on a Goddamn roller coaster ride— one that I’m sure Dad would have a heart attack if he knew we were on.”

I laughed. “I don’t actually ride. I just come up here and sit. It’s peaceful.” It used to be peaceful. I remembered finding Taylor here, weeks ago. Alone. I could see her tears, hear the sadness in her voice. Dammit. I could smell her all over again. That damn vanilla scent.

“Are you done making me feel like a pussy?”

I looked at my brother and nodded. “Yeah.”

“Okay.” He rubbed his forehead. “Can we have this talk on the ground? Why’d you make me come up here?”

I shrugged. “This is my thinking spot.”

“You can think just fine down there.” He leaned forward to peek below us, then jerked back, cursing under his breath. “I love you, but right now some of that is fading—fast.” He made a circling motion. “Let’s get this conversation going. What’s going on with you?”

Well, there was no reason to beat around the bush. “I’m in love.”

Mason said nothing.

And nothing.

Still nothing.

I looked over and lifted an eyebrow. “You going to say something?”

He was watching me steadily, but there was no reaction on his face. I couldn’t read him. He moved his arm to rest on the back of our seat, lifted his hand, and smacked the back of my head. “You’re just now figuring this out?”

“Hey.” I shoved his arm off the back. “What was that for?” I scowled. “You knew?”

“Everyone knows.”

“Everyone?”

He nodded. “Me. Sam. Nate.”

“Nate did not know.”

“Why do you think he’s been an asshole to you? He knew before I did. He’s pissed because he’s losing his bar buddy.” Mason shifted to sit sideways, facing me. His arm rested on the back of the seat again, and he leaned forward. “You’ve not been yourself. You’re more serious. You don’t want to screw everything— except for the last month, but that’s because she sent you down the highway.”

“What highway?”

“The road.” He motioned ahead of us. “You know what I mean. She sent you packing.”

I shook my head. “You need better metaphors.”

“Whatever,” he said. “I’m not the funny one, remember? That’s your job.”

“Trust me, I’m well aware. I’m hilarious.”

Mason bit out a laugh. “You fell in love, Logan.”

I slumped down and cringed. Fucking hell. Love. “Love’s for pussies.”

He coughed.

I shot him a sideways look. “Yeah, you’re a pussy.”

His hand moved faster than I could react, and he slapped me on the back of the head again.

I groaned. I didn’t even argue.

“Look, I’ve not approved of your choices. Tate was a royal bitch.”

“She was a whore,” I added.

His head moved up and down. “Yeah, she was that, too, and Kris…” He shook his head. “She was too young. She had too many issues, and you—”

I looked out over the city as I said, “—didn’t love her.”

“Yeah. There’s that.”

He sighed.

I sighed.

This was a fucking sigh-worthy event.

“I don’t want to be in love,” I announced.

“Well. You are so deal with it, or lose her. Those are your two options.” He turned to look out of the car with me. Only I wasn’t seeing the city laid out beneath us. I wasn’t seeing anything except Taylor, how she looked on that sidewalk. She’d been running, and I wanted to hurt her, like the dipshit I was. I wanted to hurt her, and she saw right through me.

“You’re sweet. You’re kind. You want to be loved.”
I could hear her voice. She was so strong, so sure—like she had a secret no one else knew, one the entire universe wanted to know.
“You want a girl who’ll hold your hand on top of a broken roller coaster. You want a partner in crime…”

And that girl I fucked—I didn’t remember her name. She was forgotten as soon as I woke up, and if I passed her on the street, I wouldn’t recognize her. But she came forward to stake her claim, and Taylor stopped her.

There hadn’t even been a chance for a battle.
“That’s not you,”
Taylor had said
. “That’s not the real you.”

“Fuck,” I muttered.

She’d touched me, and my hand moved there now, resting on my stomach.
“I see you,”
she’d said.

I groaned, closing my eyes. “What do I do?”

I felt my brother look at me, and he said, so simply, “You go get her.”

I HAD HIM