Lorie's Heart (2 page)

But everything seemed a little dim today, dull, as if the sparkle had gone out of the world. Was that just the pain of losing her father? Or did it have more to do with the secrets he kept?

“Promise me,” Emily said. “Promise me you won't do anything for a while. Give yourself a chance to heal before you start digging around. There may be truths that you don't want to know.”

That was exactly what she was afraid of, but now that she knew what she did, how could she ever go back?

 

 

“Can I talk to you for a bit?” Lorie slid into the booth opposite her
mamm.
It had been nearly a week since the funeral. A week of sleepless nights and exhausting days of learning to get along without her father.

She reached for the stack of napkins. In the restaurant business, there was no such thing as downtime. Something always needed to be done. Lorie started rolling the flatware in the paper napkins like she had been taught when she was eight years old.

“
Jah,
of course,”
Mamm
said. Her mouth turned up at the corners, but still managed to look more like a frown than a smile.

Lorie stopped rolling silverware and instead started to tear little pieces from the napkin in her hands. “I think we should talk about the tattoo.”

Mamm
shook her head. “I don't.”

“So you did know it was there.” A small part of her had hoped that by some miracle, her
mamm
didn't know about the mark on her father's chest.

Maddie shot her a look, but continued to roll the silverware.

“Did you ever ask him about it?”

Mamm
took a deep breath, Lorie was sure to remind her that she had said she didn't want to talk about the tattoo. Instead she slowly released it. “
Jah.
He told me he got it during his
rumspringa.
”

Lorie shook her head before Maddie even finished. “That's impossible, and you and I both know it. He owned a car,
Mamm.
A car.”

Maddie slammed the last rolled bundle of flatware into the large gray tub they used for storage. Her lips were pressed even tighter than usual, her eyes shooting sparks like the firecrackers on July Fourth. “He got the tattoo on his
rumspringa,
and that's all there is to say about it.” Maddie's words held such conviction Lorie wondered if she was trying to convince Lorie or herself.

“But—”

Maddie stood, towering over Lorie, a frowning menace in head-to-toe black. “We will not speak of this again.” She picked up the tray of utensils and marched toward the waitress station.

Lorie watched her go, feeling defeated and worn. So many unanswered questions floated around in her head. So many secrets kept for so many years.

“What did you say to
Mamm?
” Melanie slid into the booth opposite Lorie, her blue eyes searching.

“Nothing. It's just hard right now.” She did her best to smile at her sister. In all actuality Melanie Kauffman was her half sister, though Lorie had never felt that way before. What was happening to her?

Grief, Emily would say. She was probably right.

“I know,” Melanie said with a nod. “It's hard when I miss him so.”

Lorie blinked back the tears welling in her eyes and squeezed Melanie's hand. Their father's death had been hard on them all.
Mamm
wanted Melanie to postpone her wedding since she was now in mourning. Melanie was heartbroken over the decision, but Lorie knew she wouldn't go against their
mudder'
s wishes.

She looked over to where her half sister Cora Ann brewed fresh tea for the afternoon crowd. At twelve, Cora Ann was still in school, working on the weekends and every time they needed an extra hand. Sadie was in the kitchen, most likely preparing food for the supper crowd. She was actually Lorie's stepsister, but since she had been an infant when Maddie married
Dat,
he was the only father she had ever known. Six-year-old Daniel sat at the table by the kitchen coloring a picture. His tongue was stuck in the corner of his mouth, his eyes nearly crossed behind his glasses as he concentrated on his work. He was so special, their Daniel. Of all of them, Lorie knew he was the most confused. He didn't understand why his
vatter
was never coming back.

They had all been devastated by his untimely death. So why was she the only one with all these questions?

She stood and smoothed her hands down her black dress. She felt antsy, like her skin was too small and itchy from the inside out.

“Where are you going?” Melanie asked.

Lorie shrugged, another lie she would have to pray about. “Nowhere.”

“
Mamm
won't like it if you're not here when the dinner crowd starts coming in.”

She didn't like a lot of things too, Lorie thought. Then she pushed the hateful thought away. Grief, that was all it was. “I'll be back before then. I just need to . . .”

Her legs were stiff, and her heart pounding as she walked away.

She just needed to get some answers. She needed peace, understanding. As if her father's death wasn't enough, there was a tattoo and a car. And a stepmother who wanted to ignore it all.

The bell on the door dinged behind her as she stepped out into the overcast day. She could almost smell the rain in the air and hoped the clouds didn't produce a storm. They bothered Daniel like nothing else. He had been through so much lately she didn't know if he could handle any more right now.

Slowly she walked around the building as if she was out for nothing more than a casual stroll. Once she was out of sight to anyone looking out the window at Kauffman's, she removed the key she'd tucked into the waistband of her apron. Sneaking around was not the best way to handle this, but she didn't have many options.

She eased up the staircase to the storeroom above the restaurant. It held a little of everything from extra to-go lids and spare chairs to the paintings she hid there where no one could find them.

And the box of things given to Maddie by the police.

Her
mamm
might want to push everything aside and forget it, but Lorie couldn't. The box was sitting just inside the door, as if
Mamm
didn't want to spend any more time on it than was necessary.

Lorie looked at the box. She took a deep breath. She knelt on the floor. But she didn't touch it.

What if what she found in there changed everything? Emily was right: she couldn't un-see whatever the box contained. Yet she couldn't un-see her father lying there in the morgue.

Her hands were sweaty, and she wiped them down the front of her dress skirt.

She had to know. No matter how bad she felt about disobeying her
mamm
and opening the box, she had to know.

Her hands trembled as she reached for the length of tape sealing the box shut tight. She pulled on it, wincing. A little of the cardboard tore as she stripped it away. There was no going back.

She folded down the flaps, and tears sprang to her eyes. All that was left of her father was in this box. All the stuff collected by the police. It seemed pathetic, such meager remains from a full and happy life.

His black felt hat lay on top. She lifted it out and set it in her lap, her fingers trailing around the brim.

She hadn't asked what had happened to his clothing. She supposed they had removed it at the hospital. She wasn't sure she wanted that anyway.

She wasn't sure she wanted the box in front of her.

She moved the hat to one side and took out a set of keys she had never seen. The ring held five keys, none of them marked. Perhaps they went to the restaurant. At least that was what she wanted to believe, even though in her heart she knew it was more than that.

A denim vest was the next thing she pulled out. It was so unlike anything her father ever wore, but when she held it close to her face, it smelled of him. The soap he used and the tangy scent of the restaurant.

In the very bottom of the box was a leather wallet.

Her heart pounded in her throat as she removed it. It wasn't the one he usually carried, the one she had seen too many times to count over the years.

Somehow she knew this was it. As much as she wanted to put it back inside the box, tape the thing up, and pretend it didn't exist, something inside her could not let it go.

She opened the wallet, and her gaze fell upon an
Englisch
driver's license. Her father's face smiled back at her from the tiny picture. There was no mistaking it was him. But the name . . .

Henry Mathis.

Her father's name wasn't Henry Mathis. His name was Henry Kauffman.

Yet it was his picture.

She ran her fingers across the plastic holder. The birthday was right: June sixteenth. And his eye and hair color. He was an organ donor, though she didn't even know what that meant.

The address was in Tulsa, not Wells Landing. How could this be right?

She pinched the bridge of her nose where a headache was starting to throb. How could this be?

But there it was, right in her hands. No matter how she looked at it, only one conclusion came to mind. Her father had been living a double life.

“Jonah,” Lorie started, then stopped to take a breath and gather her courage before continuing, “Can I talk to you about something?”

He turned from hitching up his horse and buggy and gave her a long, steady look. “What's wrong, Lorie?”

That was Jonah, always aware and concerned about those around him. It was one of the reasons why she loved him. But she hadn't told anyone about the stuff she'd found in the storeroom in the week since she had snuck up there and opened the box. Not even to her
mamm
who knew what was inside. Or did she?
Mamm
could have simply put the box away, unconcerned with the secrets it held. She certainly wasn't interested in discussing Lorie's father's tattoo.

“You've had something on your mind for days now,” Jonah said.

That was the truth.

“I just—” She just what? Had begun to doubt everything she knew to be good and true? Had started wondering what other secrets her father had kept from her? Worried now that her entire life was a lie? “I found out some things about my father. Things I never imagined could be true.”

Jonah shook his head. “We don't speak of the dead, Lorie.” He turned back toward his task as if their talk was over. But Lorie had so many unanswered questions, so many thoughts in her head. She had to get them out or she might go crazy. “He had a tattoo, Jonah.” She spoke the words quietly, but they seemed to echo between them.

He stopped again. “Like an
Englisch
tattoo?”

“There certainly aren't any Amish ones.”

Jonah shook his head. “You've been through so much lately. I think maybe you're overreacting. He could have done something like that on his
rumspringa.
”

“
Nay.
He got this long after he joined the church, after he and
mamm
were married.”

Jonah dropped all pretense of hitching the horses and grabbed her hand in his own. “
Kumm,
let's sit down and talk this through.” He led her over to the porch and the rockers that waited there. He let go of her only long enough to settle himself next to her. Then he scooped it up again touching her fingers one by one in that special way of his. The familiarity was soothing.

Lorie closed her eyes, basking in the attention, then she opened them again.

“I know how close you and your father were, and I've been trying to give you time, but . . . it seems you have more on your mind than I imagined.”

She nodded as tears spilled down her cheeks. As if losing her father wasn't bad enough. All these secrets, it was like losing him all over again. “The police gave
Mamm
a box of
Dat'
s things.”

“
Jah,
” Jonah said by way of encouragement.

She went on to describe the items in the box. “And he had an
Englisch
driver's license. But the name on it was different. It wasn't Kauffman. He lied to me.”

“You don't know that. Kauffman could be his real name and the other the fake one.”

She hadn't thought of it that way. So many questions and no answers in sight. She stared at their intertwined fingers until her vision turned blurry.

“Lorie?”

“Hmmm?” She switched her gaze to his.

“Maybe you should let it go.”

“Let it go?” She blinked, trying to pull everything into focus once again.

“Just forget about it,” he explained.

“How can you say that?”

“This is causing you so much pain. I can see it in your eyes. You've had enough hurt for a while.”

Lorie pulled her hands from his and stalked toward the porch railing. She wrapped her arms around her middle and stared out at the yard before her. Across the road were stalks of corn growing taller by the day. Hidden there in the cornfields was the pond where they all went swimming every summer. Except there seemed to be less and less time for such activities these days. Was it because everyone was growing up or were they growing apart?

“There's just something wrong with the whole thing, Jonah. I don't know what, but something isn't right.” Yet it was more than a feeling. It was a box of goods that shouldn't have belonged to an Amish man. It was a car impounded by the police, the denim vest, and the current driver's license with a Tulsa address. It was the name of Mathis and the tattoo that no one seemed to want to talk about. “I can't let it go,” she cried. “Can't you see that?” The situation was tearing her apart. She felt lost in her own skin, unable to grieve and move on with her life as long as these questions hung over her head, over her heart.

He stood and made his way to her side. She breathed in the clean scent of him, sunshine and detergent mixed with the smell of hay and freshly turned field. “I know that you have to do what you have to do,” he said on a sigh. “Just promise me one thing. Promise me you won't do anything rash. Give yourself some time before you decide. Things may look different in a couple of weeks.”

Lorie nodded. “
Jah,
okay. Fine,” she said. “I promise.”

 

 

But nothing changed in the two weeks she watched crawl past. Every day she grew more and more anxious to know the truth behind the mysteries.

“Are you sure?” Emily asked as they sat at the picnic table in the park like they had so many times before.

Caroline nodded as she propped her baby at her shoulder and gently patted his back. Emma played in the sand not so far away.

Around them the town bustled in the way that only Wells Landing could. Buggies rattled by, cars purred down the road. Across the street Esther worked in the bakery and next door Lorie's family's restaurant geared up for the early lunch crowd.

And tomorrow the auction started, launching the beginning of the market season. The whole town would be crawling with
Englischers
who had come to bid on quilts and other goods. Even workdays would be put up for the bidding. Lorie would attend the tent the restaurant sponsored each year, serving drinks and food to the visiting
Englischers.

“It's not that I don't want to be supportive,” Emily said. “I just worry about you. You've been through so much.”

How many times had she heard that since they had buried her father? Too many to count. She had been through a lot, and that was exactly why she needed to find out the truth.

“Hush,” Caroline said, shooting Emily a stern look. “Lorie, if you want to go to Tulsa and see where that address is, then I say you should.”

“But what if it leads her to something terrible?” Normally, Emily was a positive person, but having recently found out that she was pregnant with her first child, she seemed a little more worrisome than normal.

“And what if it leads to something wonderful?” Caroline countered.

“Please.” Lorie looked at each one of them in turn. “Don't argue. My mind's made up anyway.”

Her friends fell silent as they both contemplated the meaning of her words.

“How will you get there?” Caroline asked.

“I don't know. I just don't want
Mamm
to know.” She didn't have to add that her stepmother would try to stop her. The three of them had been over it enough to know that Maddie Kauffman would not approve of her digging into the matter.

“If you hire a Mennonite driver, it'll be all over the district within the hour.”

“I know.” That was the problem with small communities. Secrets had a way of working to the surface no matter how deep they were buried.

Lorie folded her fingers in the skirt of her black dress. Her father would have hated everyone going around in such solemn clothing. He would have rather seen everyone wear blue in his honor, but tradition and the
Ordnung
dictated that the family wear black for a year. Eleven more months . . .

“I could call Luke and see if he could maybe take you there,” Emily said. Luke Lambright, Emily's once-upon-a-time beau, had left Wells Landing behind in order to drive race cars in the
Englisch
world. Not long after, he had sustained a terrible injury, but in the year since, he had regained his ability to walk and drive once again.

“You would do that for me?” Lorie asked, her eyes wide.

“Of course, I would. It's not that I want to keep you from finding out. I just want to make sure you understand what you're getting into.”

Lorie shook her head. “I can't say that I know, but only that I have to. Does that make sense?”

“Absolutely,” Caroline said.

“But only because we know you so well,” Emily added.

Lorie scanned their faces, first one and then the other. These were her friends. The two people in the world she could always depend on, always trust.

“Don't do it,” Caroline said as tears welled in Lorie's eyes.

“You'll get us all started,” Emily added.

Lorie chuckled and wiped away the moisture. “I just appreciate you both so much.”

Emily gave her a watery smile in return. “That's what friends are for.”

 

 

Half an hour later Lorie made her way back into the restaurant, thoughts of traveling to Tulsa lightening her steps and weighing them down all at the same time. Thankfully there were no tourist buses in town and business was filled with the typical lunch crowd. This gave her plenty of time to think about other things, her father, what she might find at the mysterious address, and keeping secrets.

She knew that she would have to tell her
mamm
eventually about her planned trip to Tulsa, but just because she was planning it didn't mean she had to confess just yet. It would certainly be more informative to tell
Mamm
after she had gone and come back. That way she would have something to report. Found nothing or ran across . . . but she wasn't able to finish that sentence. She had no idea what she would find. She had no idea how it would change her. She only knew she had to do it. She had to go see what only her father knew.

“
Dochder.
”

She stopped wiping down the last table bussed and waited for her
mamm
to draw closer. “
Jah?
” she asked.

“I have something I need to talk to you about.”

Lorie's heart skipped a beat. Did
Mamm
know about the box? Had she somehow found out about all the plans Lorie had made to go to Tulsa? She mentally shook away the thought. There was no way
Mamm
could know, not unless she had started seeing other people's thoughts. Lorie was being ridiculous and oversensitive.

“
Kumm.
Sit.”
Mamm
motioned toward the table where they sat in the afternoons and rolled the clean flatware up into napkins to be placed on the tables for the customers.

Lorie slid into the booth and waited for her stepmother to join her.

Maddie slipped in across from her and clasped her hands together on the table in front of her.

Lorie couldn't say her
mamm
was a loving woman. In her own way, Lorie supposed Maddie was, but she also had a bitter air, as if life had somehow dealt her a blow that she had yet to recover from. Lorie supposed that being a young widow could do that. But that had been a long time ago. One would think that the lines bracketing
Mamm'
s mouth would have subsided by now, but in the month since they buried Henry Kauffman, they had only gotten worse.

“Bishop Treger is starting baptism classes next week.” That was one thing about Maddie: she didn't mince words. “It's time, Lorie.”

Lorie bit back a sigh. In all honesty, the time for her to join the church had long since come. But instead of being excited, the thought of ten church weeks of classes filled her with dread. Or maybe it had something to do with the doubts that had filled her heart lately. The uncertainty that plagued her.

“Well?”

She met her
mamm'
s hard and steady gaze. There was no getting out of this one. She had waited long enough. All of her friends had joined the church. Even Jonah had bent his knee the year before. If they were to be married, she would have to become a member as well. “
Jah,
” she said. “Of course.” She tried to muster up a smile of excitement, but her lips felt like they had been pulled into a grimace.

“
Gut, gut.
” Maddie gave a stern nod of approval. “It is what your
vatter
would have wanted.”

Not for the first time, Lorie wondered how this frowning woman had captured the heart of her easygoing father. But that was a mystery that might not ever be solved.

 

 

Lorie looked out over the sea of
Englisch
faces that waited under and around the Kauffman Family Restaurant's tent. It seemed to stretch to the end of the block and beyond. She braced the back of one hand at the small of her back and chanced a brief stretch. This day had gone by in a flash, but seemed to be dragging all at the same time. A couple more hours and surely she would have time for a break. Even if it was only five minutes to rest her feet and drink a bottle of cool water.

“What all comes with the chicken finger dinner?”

Lorie turned her attention back to the customers and sucked in a quick breath. Before her stood the most handsome
Englisch
boy she had ever seen. Well,
boy
wasn't the best word she could use to describe him. He was about her age, though with
Englischers
it was hard to tell. With their worldly air, they looked so much older than Amish. Whatever his age, his presence captivated her. His hair was the color of strong black coffee but his eyes were the pale blue of a new spring sky.