Lorie's Heart (6 page)

“That's my question.” Caroline led her toward the barn where her husband housed his newest horses for his budding breeding business. Andrew had taken over his uncle's house and land when his
onkle
Abe had married Esther Lapp and moved into town. Now Andrew leased part of the farm to horse trainers and other breeders while he used the other part to support his own business. Abe's shop sat to the other side of the yard where he came out and made the furniture pieces too big to build in the backroom at his shop in town.

“Do I look like something's wrong?” She had been so careful of late, smiling when she didn't feel like it and trying to keep going when so many questions ate at her very being.

“
Nay.
” Caroline led them over to the fence where the horses munched on the grass and released Lorie's arm. “But that's the problem. You look like nothing is wrong and I know better.”

Lorie shook her head. How could she tell her friend when she didn't understand everything herself?

“There's just a lot going on right now.”

“And?” Caroline urged.

“I just need some time to adjust.”

“Uh-huh. What about your trip to Tulsa?”

It had only been a week since Lorie had returned from Tulsa and her discovery that she had a grandmother tucked away in a home there. Seven days of thinking about the new relative who didn't know Lorie existed. About the car she'd left at Luke's and the handsome
Englischer
she'd run into again. Seven days of wondering if she should tell her
mamm
or do as Emily and Jonah suggested and “just let it go.”

One thing was certain, she wouldn't be able to move forward without talking it out with someone. It wasn't the Amish way, to share feelings so readily, but she felt as if she might explode from all her swirling and churning emotions.

“I started painting again,” she said, staring out over the green pasture.

“Really?”

“
Jah.
” Though Caroline knew of her secret painting, Lorie had never let anyone—not even her closest friends—see her efforts.

“Of course, you have.” Caroline patted her shoulder reassuringly. “You've been through so much.”

“I have a grandmother living in Tulsa.” The words escaped her like the bubbles of a shaken soda. She turned as Caroline blinked, her eyes widening. Her
freind
was normally calm and collected, but Lorie could tell even this surprised her. “My father had a tattoo, a car, and a mother he never told me about.”

“Oh, Lorie.” The warm weight of Caroline's arm settled around her. Lorie leaned her head onto her friend's shoulder, needing that moment of comfort. “What are you going to do?” Caroline's words hummed through her.

“I don't know.” She straightened and fought back the tears of frustration and helplessness that seemed so close to the surface these days. “She's got some problems with her memory. Sometimes she doesn't remember where she is. I don't think she will be able to tell me anything about my father.”

“Maybe that's God's way of telling you that it's time to concentrate on the future.”

“Maybe,” Lorie murmured in return. The future . . . joining the church, marrying Jonah, learning to live with all the secrets her father kept.

But how was she supposed to look forward when it seemed as if the past kept calling to her?

 

 

Lorie swayed with the horse's steady gait as she rode next to Jonah on the way home. He was quiet and had been since they started on their drive, but she could tell that he had something on his mind.

“Everyone's talking about you going to Tulsa with Luke.”

Lorie whipped around to stare at him. Jonah's gaze was glued to the road ahead.

“How does anyone even know about this?”

He shrugged one shoulder. “Some ex-Amish who knows Luke said something to someone in Bishop Treger's district. You know how these things get around.”

She did. For all the talk on the sins of gossip, it seemed to be a popular pastime in Wells Landing. “Do they know why I went?”

“I haven't heard for sure, but I don't think so.”

Lorie wilted in relief. The last thing she needed was for everyone in town to know about her
Englisch
grandmother. It was only a hop and a jump from there to her father's deception. She couldn't allow her father's memory to be tainted.

“You've got to be more careful,” Jonah admonished.

Lorie couldn't find fault in his criticism. This was an important summer for her. The district would be watching everything she did. Especially since she wasn't attending her own church's baptism instruction. One mess-up and it could ruin her chances of joining the church this summer.

“I'm not going back,” she said. Until that moment she hadn't made the decision. But Caroline was right—everyone was right. It was time to look to the future. “I'm sorry. I know I've been hard to understand lately.”

“It's
allrecht.
” Jonah cast a small look her way, a smile tugging at his lips. It was the first smile she had seen from him in weeks. Her trials had taken their toll on him as well. It was time to straighten up, fly right as the
Englisch
said, and get down to the business of going forward.

But the questions remained, just below the surface like a crafty fish—almost invisible, but there all the same.

As much as Lorie wanted to forget all about it and move forward, these many unanswered questions dragged at her, holding her prisoner until they were answered. Even painting didn't help. Or maybe it seemed not to because it was one more secret she kept.

“I'm heading to the market,” Sadie said, taking off her cooking apron and replacing it with a clean one. “We're going to need a few more tomatoes before tomorrow's truck gets here. I thought I'd go down and see if anyone has any.”

Escape. “I'll go.” Lorie patted her sister's hand. “You rest your feet.”

Sadie smiled. “You just want to get outside on this beautiful day.”

“Can you blame me?” The sun was shining and temperatures were on the rise, but for now it was a perfect Oklahoma day.

“Not at all.” Sadie took a ten-dollar bill from the petty cash box and handed it to Lorie. “Just don't dally too long in the sun.”

Lorie smiled. “I'll try not to.” She left the restaurant as Sadie slid into the employees' booth and started wrapping silverware.

Outside, the day was even more beautiful than it looked to be through the plate-glass windows. Lorie closed her eyes and raised her face toward the sun.

She stood there for a second, thankful to be out of the restaurant, out in the open air, just out. Inside it seemed as if the walls were closing in on her. Every day they seemed closer as if they had moved during the night to make her uncomfortable. It was a ridiculous thought, but it was how she felt all the same. Everything seemed too small these days, from the black dresses she was required to wear to her own skin. And she didn't know how to make it comfortable again. Didn't know if it ever would be.

“Excuse me.”

She opened her eyes, realizing she was taking up the middle of the sidewalk. People were having to walk around her as she stood there and basked in the sun when she needed to be making her way to the marketplace.

Two blocks down and three blocks over was the empty parking lot where the Amish of Wells Landing set up a market each spring and summer. The farmers and crafters, jelly makers and pickle canners all set up shop to sell their wares to Amish and
Englisch
alike.

Lorie always enjoyed the market, perhaps because the restaurant kept their family so busy that they didn't have time to spend on what most considered the traditional Amish pursuits. They didn't farm or can goods for the winter. They didn't keep milk cows or goats. They didn't make their own cheese and butter. But the restaurant had been her father's dream and the entire Kauffman clan gladly embraced it with him. As much as Lorie enjoyed the fresh produce and goods available at the market, she couldn't imagine her life any other way.

Eustace Chupp, an Amish-turned-Mennonite farmer, usually had the best tomatoes and Lorie went straightaway to his stand.

She bartered for a crate, arranged to have them carted to the restaurant, then wandered through the market for a few minutes, looking for treats for Daniel and Cora Ann.

“Lorie!” Emily waved her over to the table where she and her father-in-law, James, sat tending the milk they had for sale.

She made her way toward her friend, glad for the opportunity to take a little more time at the market. She wasn't ready to go back to the restaurant.

“I didn't expect to see you today,” Lorie said as she approached their booth.

“I didn't expect to be here today. But Becky needed a day off for a youth meeting.”

Becky, Elam's oldest sister, had recently joined the church. She and Billy Beiler were quite close and everyone was waiting for the two of them to announce their intentions to get married. Lorie envied the young girl in knowing what she wanted at such a young age. It seemed to be the way among Amish youth. They knew what they wanted and made it happen. So why was she so confused?

James smiled at Lorie, then wrinkled his nose as he took in her dress. “Do you have a purple
frack?
”

“
Dat.
” Emily's tone took on a chastising edge. “Lorie is in mourning, remember? Her father passed a few weeks ago.”

“That's right. I'm sorry.” His brow puckered into a frown. “Sorry about your
vatter
and sorry you can only wear black.”

Me and you both
. “It's okay.” Lorie smiled at James to reinforce her words. James was a kind soul who'd been rendered childlike in ways and mannerisms after being kicked in the head by a cantankerous milk cow.

Most would say that it was God's will. But Lorie had a hard time believing God would want a strong and capable man like James Riehl reduced to less than he had been born to be.

Yet, Emily had brought him far when she and Elam were courting. Emily had been responsible for checking his medication and seeing that it might be doing him more harm than good. Emily was the one who encouraged him to go to church and get back into the act of living. Because of Emily, James and Joy now had a sweet baby girl James insisted on naming Lavender. Despite his injury, he had a new start to his old life.

And Emily could help her, too.

“Emily,” she said her name where only her friend could hear. “Will you call Luke for me again?” She hadn't meant to ask the question. She had told Jonah that she was done with trips to Tulsa and all the secrets they revealed. But she couldn't stop the words.

“Of course.
Jah.
”

One more time. Just one more trip to the assisted living center. One more visit with the ladies at the front desk and the woman who was her grandmother but didn't even know her name. Just one more trip to answer a few more of the questions haunting her, then she was done with this for good.

 

 

“You what?”

“Jonah, I don't appreciate your tone. Now please sit back down and stop yelling at me.”

Jonah threw himself into the swing beside her. “I'm not yelling. Amish men don't yell.”

“Don't raise your voice then.” She knew he was going to be angry with her. That was the exact reason why she chose to tell him in the park. He couldn't raise too much of a fuss in the center of town.

“You said you weren't going back there, Lorie. I don't understand why you've changed your mind.”

How could she explain it where he could understand? “These secrets,” she started, hoping he could see her point of view. “They're like a cancer eating up my insides. The only way I can stop it is to know the truth.”

“You know the truth.” Jonah's tawny-colored eyes begged her to let it drop. She would do almost anything for him, but this was something she had to do for herself.

“My father wasn't who he said he was. What does that say about me?”

“It doesn't change who you are.”

“Doesn't it?”

He took her hands into his and stared into her eyes. “It's not going to end until you put a stop to it.”

“I wish it was that easy,” she whispered into the wind.

“It is.”

She shook her head. “If it was, I wouldn't have all these questions.”

“That's something you have to work out for yourself. Pray about it.”

Lorie stood on suddenly restless feet. “I have prayed, but I have no answers, only more questions.”

“Don't go looking for the devil, Lorie,” Jonah quoted.

But she wasn't looking for trouble or temptation. She just needed some firm ground to set her feet upon.

“How's this going to look for your baptism instruction?”

“How can I continue to learn if I don't know who I am anymore?”

“You're Lorie Kauffman. You always have been. You always will be.”

She shook her head and began to pace. Jonah's hand snaked out and captured her arm in his warm grasp. His touch should have been reassuring and comforting, but it only made her sad.

“I don't want to hurt you,” she said. “Never ever, do I want to hurt you.”

“Then don't go.”

“Please,” she cried. “This is something I have to do. Please try to understand.”

His posture deflated like a week-old balloon. “I'm trying,” he said.

“That's all I can ask.”

 

 

Two days later, Lorie managed to get off from the restaurant. She made up a story about her and some friends going to the pond to swim, and her
mamm
readily believed her. Lorie had a moment of remorse at the easy lie, but she reminded herself that Maddie was keeping secrets from her and had been for some time. If she wouldn't share what she knew about the situation, then Lorie had no choice but to find out on her own.

She snuck down to the end of the lane where their house sat and breathed a quick sigh of relief when she saw Luke was there and driving the little orange car that belonged to her father.

He waved at her when she got close. She smiled and waved in return, her footsteps quickening until she was almost running by the time she reached the car.

“So it works?” she asked, opening the door and folding herself into the passenger's seat.

“It runs great. Your father must have taken really good care if it.”

“That sounds like him.” The thought made her smile. That was the father she knew, the one who went the extra mile to make things right. He never cut corners or took the easy way out. He dedicated his entire self to whatever he was involved in whether it was singing in church or basic maintenance at the restaurant.

“You don't mind that I drove it here?”

“I love it.”

Luke returned her grin and started the car down the road.

“It drives different than your car,” she said after a time.

“Huh?” He looked over toward her, then used the shift stick in the center between them to slow the car as they merged onto the highway. “Oh, it's a four speed.”

She raised her brows. He laughed.

“That means that the transmission doesn't automatically change gears. The driver has to do that.” He turned back to monitor her expression. “Never mind.”

She didn't understand the first thing about cars. Some of the members of their district, boys and girls alike, knew how to drive tractors. Oklahoma had rocky soil that took machinery to successfully farm. So many of her
freinden
had learned to drive out of necessity. Well, a tractor at least. But Lorie's family owned a restaurant and did no more farming than most
Englischers
. She didn't know the first thing about steering, trans-whatevers, and gears.

“Are you going to wear that into the home?” He nodded toward her dress.

Lorie ran her fingers over her prayer
kapp
remembering the distress it caused Betty the last time she had been there. “I don't suppose I should.” But as she said the words, her fingers started to tremble.

“Hey.”

She jerked her gaze back to Luke.

“It's not like you're jumping the fence. You're still in
rumspringa . . .
sort of.”

But the tremor in her hands continued.

“I guess I'm not the best one to give advice, but it seems to me that in order for you to remain in the church, you need answers to these questions. The only way to get those is to talk to her.”

“And the only way to talk to her is dressed as an
Englischer.
” Whether she just needed a little time to get used to the idea or his words actually calmed her nerves, she didn't know. But the shaking inside her stopped and her hands grew steady as she removed the pins that held her
kapp
in place.

Luke let out a small cough and kept his eyes trained on the road as if she were half-naked beside him. For an Amish girl, being seen without a head covering qualified as partially clothed. “What about your dress?”

She inhaled as her hands flew to the fasteners of her
frack.

A flush of red stained his face and neck. He cleared his throat. “I mean, maybe we should find something else for you to wear.”

She swallowed hard and nodded. She hadn't thought about this when she was planning this trip. She only wanted to go visit her grandmother one last time. Find out a little more about her father. Then her mind would be free and she could concentrate on her baptism instruction and joining the church. “I don't have any other clothes.”

“Of course not.” He seemed to mull over her dilemma as he maneuvered through the growing traffic. They would be in Tulsa soon. “Sissy's a lot shorter than you, so her clothes wouldn't work. I know.” He snapped his fingers and changed lanes.

Fifteen minutes later, he pulled to a stop in front of a secondhand store.

“Everything in here should be pretty cheap. A pair of jeans, maybe a T-shirt.”

She had never worn jeans. Not even in the height of her run-around time. But she got a thrill from looking through them. She was tired of wearing the ugly black dress of mourning. Her father had lived a bright and happy life. Wouldn't it be better to honor his memory with the bold colors that he preferred?

“Do you know what size you are?” Luke asked.

She shook her head and continued flipping through the jeans.

“I guess you'll just have to pick out a couple of pairs and try them on.” He helped her decide, pulling a few hangers from the rack and handing them to her. “Here. Go try on these and I'll look for you a shirt.”

The worn cotton was soft against her skin. The first pair was too big, then the second too small. The third pair fit okay. Well, at least she thought they did. She wasn't entirely sure how they should fit.