Losing Control (18 page)

“B
ianca, you in here?” Meredith asked as she knocked on the door.

“Yeah,” she grinned from her spot on the couch. “Studying as always.”

Meredith watched as Bianca lifted the book so that the cover showed. Having a seat next to her, Meredith got comfortable. “I hope you don’t mind that Tyler brought me.”

“Not at all. Like we talked about earlier, I just don’t have that many girlfriends so it’s always kind of weird for me if you want to hang out.”

Glancing up, Bianca looked at the other woman closely. Meredith looked more melancholy than usual, not the perky individual that Bianca was used to. “Are you okay?” she asked gently, setting her book aside.

Tears popped to Meredith’s eyes and Bianca blinked in surprise. Just what the hell was going on that would make this vivacious person cry? It wasn’t long before tears streamed down Meredith’s cheeks in earnest.

“Hey, I’m not good with other people, much less when they cry.”

At those words, Meredith giggled. “I know. Emotions make you uncomfortable and I’m so sorry to spring my shit on you, but I’m just a mess today.”

It struck Bianca as weird that the other woman seemed to want to confide in her. Normally she was connected with Denise at the hip. “Anything that I can do? I mean, I know I’m not Denise, but I can be a good listener if that’s what you need.”

She inhaled an unsteady breath. “That’s the problem, I can’t go to Denise with this.”

“The two of you are best friends. Why would you not want to go to her with something that’s bothering you?”

Meredith drew a slim hand through her hair. “She’s part of my problem.”

This was so confusing. “Mer, I’m not following,” Bianca admitted, trying out the nickname that she’d heard others at the clubhouse use.

“I’m sorry. I’m really emotional and I just don’t know what to do.”

“Why are you so emotional? Is something going on?”

Bianca could tell that Meredith wanted to lay everything out there in the open for her, but she could also tell that Meredith wasn’t sure how it would be perceived. Friendship meant that two people trusted each other to listen, give honest advice, and to approach any situation with an open mind.

“Look, I understand if you don’t want to tell me, but I’ll listen with an open mind if you want to give me a try.”

She could see Meredith go back and forth in her mind. The struggle was evident on her face.

Finally after what felt like a million years, Meredith sighed heavily. “The reason I can’t go to Denise with this is because she’s pregnant and Tyler and I want a baby.”

Talk about a bombshell. Bianca opened and closed her mouth a few times, trying to find the words. “And you’re scared that Denise doesn’t want to share the limelight with you?”

“No, it’s that we’ve been trying for a few months, and I’m still not pregnant,” Meredith admitted, twisting her fingers in the palm of her hand.

“Oh, I get it now. You aren’t jealous, but you don’t want to project the disappointment you’re feeling on her?”

“Exactly,” Meredith nodded and then went on in a rush. “And for a while, I wasn’t sure that I would even want children. I’m sure you’ve heard what happened to me. It took several conversations between Tyler and me to come to the conclusion that this is something I really wanted to do. Now it’s not taking, for lack of a better word.”

“You’ve only been trying a couple of months, right? I’m sure it’ll happen in its own time,” Bianca tried to reassure the other woman.

Meredith crossed her arms and bit her lip, kicking her hip out to the side. After a moment of thought, she crooked her finger. “C’mere.”

Interest piqued, Bianca did as she asked. The two of them went to her front door and gazed out the window beside it. Below, Tyler, Jagger, and Layne were all doing manly things. Jagger hammered a nail as Layne held a board in place for him. Tyler though, he sat to the side, obviously supervising, giving his input on how to fix the problem of her wobbly stairs.

“Look at that man and tell me that he couldn’t impregnate me by just looking at me.”

Bianca laughed, bending over at the waist. “I think there’s a bit more to it than that,” she giggled, wiping her eyes.

“He’s just so…so virile…” Meredith continued. “It’s gotta be me.”

Putting a hand on Meredith’s shoulder, Bianca gave it a squeeze. “Chances are it’s neither one of you. Maybe you just haven’t hit your sweet spot yet when it comes to time of the month.”

“I don’t see how that’s possible,” she murmured. “We’re doin’ it every night.”

“Oh my God, you are my hero.”

“With Tyler, it’s not work,” she grinned. “You can trust me on that.”

“I would venture to say the two of you probably have a good time,” Bianca grinned back.

“Probably about a good a time as you and Jagger.”

It was on the tip of her tongue to deny what she and Jagger had, but he’d slept here the night before. Why keep a secret? “Then the two of you aren’t hurting in that department.”

“No we’re not,” she sighed. “But I don’t want Denise to know that I’m jealous. Since she found out she was pregnant she’s walked on eggshells around me. This is supposed to be the happiest time in her life, and I don’t want her to not enjoy it because she’s afraid she’ll hurt my feelings.”

This friendship stuff, Bianca was beginning to realize, was going to require a lot of work. “Well you don’t know how she’s going to react unless you talk to her. It’s just like any other relationship, you have to be open and honest.”

“I know, but I have to admit, I feel just a little like a bitch to be unhappy that she’s happy. Especially after we’ve talked about it before and I assured her I would be fine. I just can’t help how I’m feeling.”

“I’m sure Denise won’t see it that way. She was there after everything happened to you. It’s normal to feel envy. Fuck, I do it every time I see people who don’t have to work at
Wet Wanda’s
for a living.”

Meredith bit her lip and blew out a breath of frustration. “You’re right. Maybe if I’m honest with her, I can get over the feelings I’m having. Then I can just move on.”

“Maybe you can, but you’ll never know until you try.”

An hour later, Bianca and Meredith sat discussing some of the options that Bianca could do with her degree.

“I know almost as soon as I find a full time job, I’m really gonna have to buckle down and start on my Masters. There’s such a small window for a teacher to get the next required classes that I don’t want to get lazy with it.”

“That’s a good idea,” Meredith agreed.

The lull in the conversation between the two of them wasn’t strained at all, but it gave Bianca a chance to ask a question she had wondered about for a while. “What are you going to do with your degree?”

“I’ve thought about that,” she admitted, running her hands along the denim of her jeans. Reaching over to the table that sat next to the couch, she picked up her cup of coffee and took a drink.

Bianca had never taken this woman for a staller, but that appeared to be what she was doing right at this very moment. “Tell me.”

A small grin tilted Meredith’s mouth. “I seem to be telling you a lot of stuff.”

“Hmmm? Maybe it’s just because I ask the right questions. I’m very self-conscious when it comes to talking about myself, so I’m usually the one asking. When you ask, you don’t have to divulge anything.”

“Oh that’s where you are wrong! Next time we have coffee, you’re answering a metric shit-ton of questions. But to answer you, I’m not really sure. I could do a number of things with the degree that I have, but none of it appeals to me right now. I’ve debated on doing some volunteering at the abused women’s shelter and maybe taking some classes that interest me. You know, just to get my feet wet again.”

“The women’s shelter idea is a very good one. You have no idea how many women have come through
Wet Wanda’s
over the couple of years that I’ve been there. They tend to just hang around long enough to get the money they need to move on. When they do that, they’re gone and you never know what’s happened to them or their children. It’s kind of sad really.”

“Yeah, so that’s what I’ve been kicking around. If it was up to Tyler, I’d never work again, but I’m just not sure I can do that. I mean, yeah, it’s been fun for a while, but I crave knowledge and social interaction now. At one time I thought that I wouldn’t ever be able to be in a group of people again, but I’m able to now, and I get bored at the clubhouse sometimes,” Meredith admitted.

Bianca hoped she wasn’t reading more into this than there was. “Well I always need someone to help me study, and there’s always people to hang out with at
Wet Wanda’s
. Just c’mon down if you get bored. Hell, bring Denise. We could be the epitome of southern. A pregnant lady, not only in a bar, but in a strip joint. If I know Wanda, it will crack her up.”

“I can’t believe you just offered yourself up to do something with me on your own. Bianca Hawks, you’re becoming downright friendly.”

Bianca blushed slightly. “Don’t let it get around. I do have a rep to protect.”

“My lips are sealed.” Meredith made the motion of sealing them with her fingers. “Well, I take that back, they’re sealed after I give Denise her invite. Lord knows I have got to see what patrons of a strip joint do when a pregnant woman walks in.”

The two of them were laughing as the men made their way up the stairs, boots pounding.

“Sounds like they fixed it,” Bianca commented dryly. “Otherwise, we’ll hear it collapse in just a few seconds.”

“It’s fixed,” Tyler announced as he walked into the apartment.

“So I can hear,” Bianca answered.

The Native American grinned. “She’s got some spunk and her humor is dry. I really like her. What’s she doing with you?” He pointed at Jagger.

Blushing, Jagger went over to stand next to Bianca. He slung his arm around her neck and tucked her into his side. “I wonder that myself, but I guess I’m just lucky.” He nuzzled her neck before facing the rest of them.

“We’re hungry,” Layne announced. “So let’s go get something.”

Everyone agreed to meet up at a local Mexican restaurant a few minutes away that they all enjoyed.

“We’ll be along in just a few minutes,” Jagger said, pointing his finger at Bianca. “She’s gonna have to change before we leave. It’s gonna be cold on my bike.”

Her pulse kicked in her throat. She loved riding his bike with him. “Let me go change real fast,” she grinned up at him.

She heard the group leave as she hurried to her bedroom and pulled out a pair of jeans and a warm sweater. Looking through her closet, she wondered if the boots she’d lucked up on at a thrift store would be too dressy. From experience she knew they were well over $300 at the local mall. She had gotten them for $25. A dark brown that looked well worn, she decided to wear them anyway. Quickly, she threw her hair up and put on some mascara before going to the living room.

“I’m ready.”

Jagger whistled. “Those boots make your legs look a mile long.”

“Thanks.” She couldn’t help but turn in a little circle for him. “I’m hungry,” she admitted. “Let’s get going.”

“Don’t forget to grab your jacket,” he told her, as they walked out the front door.

“I’m so excited to try these stairs out.”

The two of them walked down the stairs together, without them creaking, groaning, and swaying. “We did good?”

“You did real good. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate everything that you do and have done for me,” she told him, reaching up to hug him around the neck.

He leaned down and kissed her softly. After separating their lips, he leaned his forehead against hers. “I don’t do things that I don’t want to do. I just want you to know, I don’t expect anything from you for doing the things I do. But if you wanted to repay me in kisses, hugs, and other activities…well let’s just say I wouldn’t say no.”

The mischievous grin on his face melted her heart. “We’ll see what we can do, but don’t count on it. Now let’s go.”

He put his leg over the bike and had a seat before motioning for her to get on behind him. He loved the feel of her body next to his as she leaned against him. Loved the way the extra weight on the bike felt. It was something he hadn’t known he wanted until he had it. Reaching around behind him, he tapped her thigh as he started the bike and they went to meet their friends.

Chapter Twenty-Four