Losing Faith (19 page)

“Listen, I wanted to say I’m sorry. I’ve been thinking about you and your sister a lot, and I just … I guess I want to help you. I mean, if you want to find out more about her.”

“I do!” I jump to my feet. “Thanks, Alis.”

He picks at the edge of his jacket. “Look, I’m not very good with … I mean, I haven’t been around people my age in years, and now …”

No friends for that long? Not that I have any real friendships to brag about at the moment.

“I, uh, I’ve been homeschooled for a long time,” he adds.

He’s sincere. Either that or he’s the best actor on the planet. “Don’t they have social clubs and stuff for homeschoolers?”

“Yeah, they do, but …” He looks down and scuffs his feet. “Ever since Mom died …”

“Yeah.” I try to peek under his bangs to see his eyes but they’re
half-closed and shaded by his long eyelashes. “I read about that.”

“It was a long time ago.” He turns away to the blackboard, as if he’s reading Clancy’s long list of history notes. “Reena and Dad haven’t been the same.”

I try to figure out what this has to do with my sister, but I sense that maybe I shouldn’t ask and search for a better question. “Is your dad depressed?”

“I don’t know what he is.” Alis leans on the desk beside me, bringing him a few inches closer. “Dad’s on the road a lot, so we don’t see him much.”

“Who lives with you?”

His eyes move back to the history lesson on the board. “I can trust you, right?”

Well, no, not to tell the truth, but with other stuff, yeah, probably.
“Of course.”

“My dad’s been a trucker for years. When I was little, it was mostly overnight trips. After Mom died, he started taking longer trips though. Said we needed the money.”

He stands again and walks over to the blackboard. Picking up the eraser, he turns it over in his hands.

“I think he just needed some time to himself. He wanted us to move to another state to live with an aunt we’ve never met, but Ree went ballistic.”

Alis puts the eraser down and digs his hands into his pockets.

“So did your aunt move out here with you then?”

He shakes his head. “Reena came up with this elaborate idea to start an online homeschooling program. She printed off pages and pages of info about it, convinced our dad how responsible she was and how she could not only teach herself, but teach me as well. And then when our aunt said she couldn’t take us in anyway—”

“So, what? You guys live completely on your own?”

“Reena’s almost eighteen now,” he says, as if that explains everything.

But I do the math. If his Mom died three years ago, Reena would have been only fourteen. Alis must see something in my reaction because he jumps in on my thoughts.

“No one really knows. The school board sends things home for Dad to sign, but Reena perfected his signature right after Mom died. Dad was determined to stay out of town as much as possible, and Reena was set on staying in our house.”

“Wow.” I’d like to say it must be great to not have anyone to answer to, but somehow I don’t think that’s the case. “It must be … lonely.” It’s not until the words leave my mouth that they hit me and I feel that automatic connection again with Alis. I can relate, wishing for parents who would be part
of my life in a real way, not just consumed with their own emotional troubles.

He nods and turns back to face me. “I knew you’d understand. Reena warns me all the time not to tell anyone, and especially not to get into trouble.”

Suddenly it all makes sense, why he was so frantic to keep me from his family. “So that’s why you wanted me to stay away?”

“Yeah. I don’t know, maybe it’s an overreaction, but we just need to keep everything quiet. At least until Reena’s birthday. She’d kill me if I screwed things up for her.”

Reena seemed so friendly, and again I wonder if Alis’s perception is off, but I nod as though I understand.

I see a flash of dirty blond hair through Clancy’s window. It’s her. But she hasn’t looked this way yet. I drop down into a student chair in the front row and tilt my head low toward the desk. I don’t want Alis to get in trouble, not to mention Reena finding out about my lies.

“It’s just with my family,” he goes on, but he’s having the hardest time getting the words out. I feel bad for him, and want to interrupt and make him feel better, but I know Reena could open the door any second. “Ree and I have learned to count on each other—”

“Hey, let’s talk later,” I say. “You should probably get going.”
I move to the side wall so I won’t be seen when he opens the door. But then I notice his face. He looks hurt. And maybe scared, now that he’s told me all these secrets. “I’d like to talk to you more,” I say, and it’s true, because in all this we didn’t end up talking about Faith at all. Now that the conversation has opened up, I do have hope that we will, though. “Can you meet me later today? After school?”

He gets the blank look again, but only for a second.

“Okay,” he replies, and then suggests a meeting location out behind the football field. I come up with a quick excuse of why I need to wait for Mr. Clancy and watch Alis walk out of the room, off to meet his sister.

I spend the rest of the afternoon once again unable to concentrate on my schoolwork. I’ve had about two good days of classes so far. Not nearly enough to get me any passing grades.

I sidle up to Tessa’s desk in art class that afternoon. “That was Alis,” I tell her, expecting her to be excited when she understands. “And we scheduled another meeting for later.”

“A meeting?” She glares at me. “A date, you mean.”

“We’re taking a walk.” I wave her off. “No big deal.”

“Obviously he’s tracking you down for a reason, and I don’t think the reason’s your sister.” She looks me up and down.

My face heats up at the suggestion. For a second I think she’s jealous. Of me, of him, I don’t know. But then it hits me what this is all about. I’m not inviting Tessa along, letting her be a part of the “investigation,” so she needs to make it my fault. But I really can’t picture Alis opening up in front of Tessa.

“What are you talking about?” I try to dismiss it.

She shakes her head. “It’s a good thing you’re cute.”

“So, what? You’re saying he likes me?” Again, I feel a flush to my cheeks.

Her right eyebrow raises in agreement.

“Come on, Tessa. He’s just looking for a friend. He’s lonely.”

“I’ll bet he is.” She reaches to the empty desk beside hers, grabs a piece of black construction paper, and folds the edge of it.

I ball my fists and force some strength. “Give me a break. Look, we’re just friends.” I head for my desk.

“Right, just friends,” she says from behind me. “Because that’s what friends do. Dupe each other and secretly spy on their siblings.”

All I can think of the rest of the afternoon is whether or not I should tell Alis about the nursing home. It almost seems too late now. The first person he thinks might possibly be someone he can trust betrays him within the first week.

chapter
TWENTY-ONE

Plan U: I need to tell him, I do.

Alis stands exactly where he said he’d be, near the break in the fence across the backfield. He is a good-looking guy, I’ll give him that. But I’m not in the market for another boyfriend, thank you very much. Besides, if I have to pick a family to get cozy with, the Monachies aren’t exactly at the top of my list.

“Hey,” he says when I’m close enough. “I’m glad you came.”

Even though I feel a bit of weakness in my knees at his voice, I force a strong and casual tone. “I said I would, didn’t I?” But after the words leave my mouth, I feel a rush of guilt, because it implies I keep all my promises. “Your sister’s not around, is she?”

“Nah. She’s at work.”

“Yeah? Where does she work?” I feel like such a fraud, playing dumb, but I have to find a way to tell him gently.

“Well, it’s not really a job. She helps out over at a nursing home on the East Side. You know the one?” He makes a rolling motion with his hand like he wants me to fill in the blank.

“Um, no,” I blurt, and I don’t even know why.

He leans his back against an intact piece of fence and eyes me. “Really?”

My face heats up. “Well, I mean, my grandma’s in one.” This part, at least, is true.

He turns to walk down the trail leading away from the school.

Great. He knows.
Stupendous job of being up front and honest, Brie.

I rush to catch up. “I kind of ran into your sister by accident.”

He stops and swings around, his face suddenly pale.

“She doesn’t know who I am or anything,” I add quickly.

He doesn’t move, just stares at me. “Where did you see her?” His tone sounds angry, nervous, but at least he’s giving me a chance to explain.

“I was, uh, visiting someone at the Bertram Senior Center.” Okay, well, maybe not complete honesty, but at least I’m coming close now. “I saw Reena at the front desk, and I
recognized her from Faith’s Facebook page, and also from—”

“When you were outside my house.” Alis says the words before I can, like he’s in too much of a hurry for this story.

“Anyway, we sort of got to talking,” I say. Alis shoots me a look like his heart just stopped. “I mean about religion and stuff. Not about Faith.” I can’t figure this family out. Is he really this afraid of her? “When she asked my name, I gave her a fake one, and I really don’t think she recognized me. She didn’t come to Faith’s memorial service, did she?”

He shakes his head. “Reena didn’t want anything to do with you or your family. At least that’s what she said. Didn’t want to meet you because you weren’t a believer and didn’t want to attend a service at a ‘lukewarm’ church. I can never tell what she’s really thinking or how she’ll react.”

He gets quiet after that and I’m not sure if he’s mad or just wants to get away from me. He keeps leading the way through the trail, which becomes denser with leaves and branches. Unfortunately, from my view all I can concentrate on is the silver nub sticking out of his back pocket. His knife. And I wonder just how stupid this is to be following this armed guy who may or may not be angry with me.

He stops and peers through a portion of brush where I can hear the rush of a stream. After stomping out some of the lower branches, he tries to break one right up near his face to
get through. It’s thick though, and he struggles with it.

Before I can think, my mouth opens and I confront my fear. “Why don’t you use your knife?”

He glances over his shoulder, his eyebrows raised like he didn’t quite hear me. But then a second later, he reaches for his back pocket and I suck in my breath.

When he pulls it out, I can see that yes, it is a knife. Dad has one that looks almost identical that he keeps in his fishing kit. Alis flips it over a few times in his hands and then pulls at one side of it. When that does nothing, he flips it over and tries the other side. A serrated blade pops out.

I try to relax at the fact that he doesn’t seem to even know how to use the thing. Alis doesn’t strike me as the type to carry a knife in the first place. But I study his profile as he saws away at the upper part of the branch.

“Why do you carry a knife?” I force out, a wobble still in my voice.

“My mom gave it to me for my last birthday before she died. Since she’s gone I like to carry it around.” He passes it to me, which settles my nerves dramatically. And he doesn’t seem angry anymore. Not at all.

I immediately recognize the inscription on the side as a Bible verse Dad’s read to us before. “The weapons of our warfare are not carnal,” I read aloud.

“Not sure exactly what it means, but it was a big deal to Mom when she gave it to me. Probably would’ve been more appropriate for Reena. She’s more of a fighter.”

“So your mom was pretty religious, huh? That must be where Reena gets it.” I stop and cringe. “Oh, sorry, are you religious too?”

He laughs. “Not especially. I have more questions than anything.”

“Yeah, me too.” It’s probably my turn to open up a bit more. I bite my lip, trying to decide where to start. “I guess the most likely answer is that Faith committed suicide. There are verses highlighted all over her Bible about martyrs and sacrifices and stuff, but I always thought she was too trusting, like she’d be willing to wait for God’s timing on things.”

“Hmm,” Alis says. “That seems more like
my
sister to not want to wait for things.”

“Yeah?” I’m surprisingly relieved that he changed the subject back to Reena.

“She has obsessive-compulsive disorder.”

“Really?” OCD had always been kind of a joke around school. I didn’t think of it as an actual affliction that real people suffered from.

“It wasn’t so bad when we were younger, but when she turned about thirteen, it got pretty severe. We all went to
church, but Reena suddenly got extra involved. My parents stopped going because they thought they should rein her in, but she went the other way and started reading all sorts of religious books and watching those evangelism shows all day on Sundays. Maybe we all would’ve been better off if my parents had kept her in a church setting after all.”

“Why? Did something happen?”

“Well, yeah.” We make it to the stream and he stares down into the water for several seconds before going on. “My mom drove over a curb and into a lake. We all thought it was an accident, until we found her suicide note at home. Actually, it wasn’t much of a suicide note. More like a love letter. To Jesus.”

I can’t think of any kind of response. I’d always thought of my own family as crazy, overboard religious, but they suddenly seemed like the median of spiritual mediocrity. “But I thought your parents weren’t that religious. Not like Reena?”

“That’s what I thought too, but Reena explained to me that Mom had been suppressing her feelings about God for quite a while.”

I nod, trying to connect all these new details with the girl I’d met in the senior center.

“Reena’s rituals got kind of weird after Mom’s death. She tried to teach me stuff about the Bible in homeschool, but
I asked questions on so many things that she didn’t want to answer, and eventually she said something about not wanting me to taint her beliefs. She never brought up the lessons again and never invited me into her special group. She locks me out of her religious life just like she locks me out of her room.”