Lost and Found (2 page)

“Promise, Mommy?”

“I promise, baby. They’re almost here to help us. I love you,
baby.”

“I love you too, Mommy. Will they look at my leg? It hurts so
badly!"

“Yes, Baby. They will look at your leg and see what’s
wrong with it and probably put a big band aid on it. It will probably be your favorite kind of band aid. Do you want a
pink band aid? One with stars on it? I bet they have some
just for you, sweet girl.”

“Okay, Mommy.”

I can tell that she is working her way up to another crying
spell, because her voice keeps breaking every time she says
something.
Oh, if only I was the super, powerful, Mommy can fix
anything, superwoman that my little girl thinks I am. I wish I could fix this with just an “I love you”, “everything will be ok”, “Mommy can fix it”, like I always do with every small problem we come across. This is not a small problem that I can just put a band aid on. Please, Lord, Please! Let them get here in time!
The sirens are getting closer and closer and the next thing I
know, they’re all here. A fireman comes up to my door, asking me if I’m hurt too bad to get out and that the man
that called them had told him I refused to get out.

“Ma'am, I need to get you out of the van, so that we can get
to the rest of your family out. I understand you have 3 kids
with you, as well as your husband?”

“Yes, my daughter, Jenna, is conscious and talking to me.
She says her leg is hurting and my boys are still unconscious. I can’t turn around to check on them. Will
you please check on them and check on my
husband? His name is Derek Jeremiah’s behind me and Jordan is behind my husband and my daughter,
Jenna, is in the furthest row, in a booster seat in the middle.”

“I’m going to try to get the windows down, so that I can
access the situation. My name is Pete, by the way. If you
have questions, just yell my name. I’m not leaving this
vehicle, ok?”

“Ok, thank you so much. Please help us get out of here.”

“That’s what I plan to do, Ma'am.”

Somehow he gets all of the windows down. I look in my
rear view mirror and Jenna is just sitting there, in her
booster seat watching what all is going on. I hope I’ve calmed her down some, since help has finally shown up.
I hear the other paramedics mumbling amongst
themselves. I keep hearing things like, “It looks like he hit
his head against the window”, “slow pulse”, and “this is
a fracture for sure”. Oh no... My boys! Please let them all
be ok? Please! I can’t take this. I just have a bad headache
and my stomach is killing me, but I seem to be ok and
Derek and my babies are all broken up.
Why was I driving? I should have put my foot down and
just said no! I should have made Derek let us stay
somewhere for a night, instead of his big idea of driving
straight through! What was I thinking? Who am I kidding? I agreed to what he wanted AGAIN
and what I should have done was refused to go anywhere,
until we all got some rest.

“Ma’am,
I can assure you we will be able to get them out
better, if you’re not in the van. We are going to have to get
the Jaws of Life to get the rest of your family out, but
we need to get you out and have you checked out real quick,
okay? Where all are you hurting?”

“Well, my head is killing me. I guess from the air bag and
my stomach feels like it’s on fire.”

“Okay ma'am, can you move your legs?”

“Yes, I just can’t move around very much.”

“Ok, we are going to get you out and get a gurney to put
you on over here in just a minute. Hang tight. They’ll be
here in just a sec.”

He walks away and heads to the back of the van. I can see
him in a huddle, talking to some policemen and other
firemen through my rear view mirror. I look at Jenna and
see that she’s fallen asleep. I hope that she’s fallen asleep and isn't unconscious.

“Hey you guys, I’m going to go with the paramedics here
in just a minute, so I can get out of their way. Then they will get you all out, okay?
I love you all so much! Please be
ok! I’ll see you guys here in just a little bit.”

I feel so
helpless, not knowing what all is wrong with them and hope
that they've all heard me. Two paramedics show up beside me at my door with a
gurney behind them and the last thing I want to do is leave my family, but I have to let them do their jobs.

“Okay ma'am. We are going to get you out of here, okay?
We are going to have you checked out over here at the
ambulance, while the rest of the guys get your family out, so
that we can get you all taken care of.”

They both reach in and gracefully pull me out of the van
and onto the gurney, as if I weighed nothing. I could feel the
van sway a little, but they assured me everything would be
ok, so I tried not to cringe as my body was lifted out of the
van.
All of a sudden, I hear a commotion and someone yelled
that they weren’t through securing something and I looked back toward the van from the gurney I was laying on and it
was gone. GONE! GONE! All I could do was
scream.

“NO! DEREK! JEREMIAH! JORDAN! JENNA!
NO! MY BABIES! NOOOOOOOO!”

**********************

I raise my head from my pillow and realize I’ve had a
nightmare. THE nightmare! The same nightmare I’ve had
for the past year and a half, since my whole world was
shattered on that icy bridge. I hear footsteps in the hallway and a knock at the door.

“Come in” I knew I had tears all over my face. I always do
when I have my nightmare.

“Sweetie... Are you ok? Oh I wish you could go a solid
week without having a nightmare. I brought you some
warm milk. I know it makes you feel better.”

I took the glass of milk from Claudia's hands after I turned the lamp on and gulped it down in a matter of minutes and
just looked at her.
She has been my saving grace through all of this and she
sure didn’t deserve to have to put up with all of my problems and weekly nightmares.
She leans over and hugs me tight and lets me finish the
cry that I needed to get out. Once I was able to compose
myself, I started talking.

“Claudia, I can’t take it anymore. All I keep hearing, every
day, is Jenna asking in her sweet, sweet voice,
“Promise Mommy?” “I broke that promise Claudia and
they’re gone! They’re all gone! Why didn’t I just stay in
the van with them?

“I don’t know, honey, but you were saved for a reason. You
just haven’t figured out why yet. Please don’t give up.
You worry me, when you talk like that.”

Well, I was starting to worry myself, because I just didn’t see what purpose I had in this life anymore. I sure didn’t say that out loud to Claudia, though.
I know she has been talking to my parents and if I know
them, they’re probably talking about sending me to therapy
or worse, have me committed!
I couldn’t bear the fact of moving back home, after
everything happened. My whole world was in that car and
just the thought of moving back to our old house without
them there didn’t seem right to me.
I had my dad sell our house and donated all of our
furniture to charity and he and my mom shipped me all of
our family pictures, and anything that meant anything to me.
I put everything in storage and haven’t been able to look at
anything.
Claudia helped me with the funeral arrangements. I buried
Derek and the kids at the local cemetery here, so I could be
close to them. Derek and Claudia's parents had died years
ago and it was just the two of them, so I didn’t have to deal
with their family fighting with me about my choice.

My parents, on the other hand, were a different story. I
know I have broken their hearts and that even though I had
lost my whole world, they lost a son-in-law that was like a
son to them and their only grandchildren. I know they

miss
me and I miss them both dearly, but it was just too
much to deal with.
Staying here in Oregon was just easiest, and no worries of
friends calling or coming over and asking if I’m doing alright and giving me that look. You know, the ‘oh I feel so sorry for her’ look.

The town we lived in was so small, that just the idea of
going to the grocery store and running into any of the kids
teacher’s or coach’s, made me cringe. I know that their
deaths affected a lot of people and everyone loved and
missed them too, but I just couldn’t handle going back
without them. So I asked Claudia if she minded me staying
with her for a while until I got on my feet, and of course she didn’t mind. So here I am a year in a half later, still trying to
sleep through the night, still trying to have a reason to get
out of bed in the morning and still wondering why I didn’t die along with them.

CHAPTER TWO

“Wakey wakey eggs and BAKEY!!!" Claudia is yelling at
me and walks directly to the window blinds and raises them
up, and I see blinding light!

"Are you serious? I just fell back to sleep from my
nightmare" I cover my head with my blanket and then it's
ripped off of me!

"Well, I know you had a rough night and all, but you ARE
leaving this house today!”
Oh, the hell I am!

"No I'm not! I'm going back to sleep. Goodnight." I reach
onto the floor for the blanket and pull it back over me and
cover my head.

"Nope! My meeting got cancelled this morning, thank God,
so I decided we needed to have a girl’s day. We haven't
had one since what, 6 or 7 years ago? You know I work
every Saturday at the law firm and I'm sick of going to eat
lunch on Sundays with you, on the ONLY day you leave the
house, JUST to keep me off your ASS! So, we are going
to go have some girl time today. Manicures, pedicures, get
our hair done. I don't care what we do, as long as we have some fun doing it!"

"Nice speech." I gave her the biggest go to hell look. "You
know I can't go anywhere today. I guess you just don't
realize what today is, do you?"
Today would have been Derek's 35th birthday and all I
want to do is just lie here and think about him and
what we would have been doing today for it.

"Seriously? You don't think I know that today is my own
brother's birthday? Of course I know what today is and you
know what? You're not spending it in bed moping around missing him! I miss him too and I'm SO SICK of
the moping!"

My eyes filled with tears and the water works flowed. I
can't believe she's being so insensitive to me. Especially
today!
Claudia looked me in the eye and her big brown eyes softened. I could see Derek and Jenna in those dark
chocolate colored eyes, which made me start crying even
harder.

"Olivia, I'm not trying to be mean, ok? It's just, well,
I'm so worried about you and I decided as soon as that
meeting was cancelled, we were going to make the best of
this day. I miss Derek too. He was the only person in this world, besides you, that I could call and rant about how bad
my day was. Now he's gone and you've, well, you've
checked out! Literally! I don't have anybody and I'm
about to go out of my mind, if you don't snap out of this!"

"SNAP OUT OF THIS?!" Oh, I was furious now. How
dare she act like I CHOOSE to feel this way!