Lost and Found (5 page)

She kept looking straight ahead, while she drove and then
sighed. "It's not that I'm mad, O. I just. When I saw you
in that dress, it just took me back to how you used to be.
Remember all of the fun we used to have? Don't get me wrong. I've had an absolute blast today, but I'm just
worried. Well, I'm worried that once this day is over,
you're just going to get back into your depression and go
back to sleeping all of the time." Oh that.
I have had fun today as well and it did feel like old times
again and I actually didn't think about Derek and the kids as
much as I usually do, which made me feel a little guilty, like I didn't care about them anymore, but it was kind of
nice to be distracted too.
She looked at me when we hit a stop light and I could tell
that she was about to cry.

"I know one awesome day isn't going to get you out of this,
but do you think you could try? Try to talk to me more?
Maybe go out for dinner more than once a week? Or maybe
get a job to get out of the house? Or volunteer for some
charity maybe?"

Get a job? I certainly don't need the money. Maybe the
charity thing, but the only person I know here is Claudia. I
would always be the homeroom mom for the kids’ classes
every year and I would help the coaches with fundraisers
on the boys’ sports teams, but I dealt with people that I had
known forever. If I committed to a job or a charity, what if
I had a really bad nightmare and needed to stay in bed to recoup? I don't think this is a good idea at all.

"I don't need the money, as far as the job idea goes and
charity work? You're the only person I know in this whole
town, Claud." I was trying to plead my case.

"What if I told you there was a job opening at my firm? They need a file clerk and I could make sure that you get
the job, and I know you could do the work."
She looked over at me and I could tell that she was
pleading with me. I realize that this has been her whole
plan all along, on how to work everything up to this
conversation.

"I think it would help you to get out of the house every day
and be around people. I'm not the best person to plan things,
with as many hours that I put in at the firm and there are some great people there. Maybe you could
make new friends to go see a movie with, or hang out at the
house with, or someone to call and talk to about how your
day went other than me."
I don't know what to think. This is too much for me to
fathom right now. I feel like my head is about to explode, because I really don't want to do either one of her ideas, but
I also realize how my depression is affecting her and the
last thing I want to do is hurt her.

"I'll tell ya what, Claud. I will think about it. I don't want
to say yes or no right now, because there's a lot that I have
to process, but I will think about it."
It sounded like she was holding her breath, from the sound of her exhale. I knew that for at least a day or two, I could
rest without worrying about it. When she didn't say
anything, I asked her what I had been wondering.

"So, what all are you wanting done to your hair?" She
looked over at me and grinned.

"I'm not getting anything done, silly. It's you that is getting
something done. I think you need a haircut and" she
looked at my hair, "maybe some highlights or a new
color."

"Over my dead body!!!! I am NOT getting my hair cut!!!

****************************

We pulled into the parking lot of Claudia's salon and I was
bawling and felt like I was going to have a panic attack.

How dare she think I'm going to cut my hair? Just the idea of it had me running my fingers through my long blonde hair. I feel like my hair is my lifeline to Derek and the kids. I know that it's longer than it's ever been and yeah, I admit,
I do need to cut it, because it doesn't look too healthy on the
ends, but I just can't do it. It's too much.

"Olivia, what's going on now? Why do you look like you're about to hyperventilate?" She reached over and grabbed my
hand and started rubbing the top of my arm.

"You
don’t understand
and if I tell
you, you're just going to think I'm crazy." I feel like my
heart is about to beat out of my chest and I can’t stop the sniffles that keep coming.

"If you will tell me, I doubt that I will think you're crazy.
You were perfectly fine, until I mentioned you cutting your
hair and maybe getting some highlights." She seemed genuinely concerned for me.

"It's just that, well, my hair is like my last link to Derek and the kids." There, I said it!! I looked over at her
and she looked like she didn't understand.
"I know you don't understand, but when Derek would come
home from work after being gone the whole week, the first
thing he would do was give me a hug and run his fingers
through my hair and tell me how much he had missed me
and that he couldn't wait to hug me and run his fingers
through my hair.” S
he was listening to me and not looking at me like I was
crazy.

"When I would put Jenna to bed every night, I would read
her a book to get her to fall asleep and she would always
play with my hair and it would always put her to sleep.
Same thing with the boys." I lost it at the memory of them and
started bawling again.

"Ok, I understand, but what does that have to do with not cutting your hair? I'm not talking about cutting all of it off
and donating it to the locks of love, but maybe just a trim.
But really, as long as it is, you can still save a lot of length
to it. All you ever do is pull it up in a ponytail or put it in a
braid."

"The hair that I have, It's hair that they've touched! That's
why I can't cut it! If I cut it, then I've lost the one thing
that I physically have left of them!" This is just too much.
I don't even want to go with her to her meeting now. I just
want to go home and get into my pajamas and crawl in bed
and forget about all of this.

"Olivia, look at me, ok?" I cannot look at her. There is
no way that she is going to make me do this. Her lawyer
skills will not, and I repeat, NOT work on me on this!

"Olivia? Please look at me."
She sounded defeated, like maybe she knew I wasn't going to budge on this, so I looked at her.

"If I knew that was how you felt about this, I never would have suggested it, ok? We have done so much today that I
know was way out of your comfort level and I'm so proud
of you for that!" She gave me her gorgeous smile and
actually patted me on the back, which had me giggle a little.
"And I don't think you're crazy. It actually makes sense
now."

"Thank you for understanding." I could finally breathe
again. I didn't realize I was holding my breath!

"I do. I completely understand. This is something that I
will never ask of you again. Makeovers always make me
feel better and I just assumed it would make you feel better as well. Ya know, a change? Changes are good, but sometimes you have to time it right too."
She started the car up and pulled out of the parking lot and
I was wondering what her plan was now.

"Claud, where are we going?" Please say home, please say
home.

"We are going home to rest a little bit before we start
getting ready for tonight. I figured you might need to take a
little nap. You've had a long day and this day isn't over yet.
We still have my meeting and dinner to go to." She patted
my hand and smiled at me.

"Or we could just go home and I could go to bed for the
rest of the day and all night!" I smiled back at her, hoping
she would let me do just that.

"So you're not hungry? You know the meeting isn't going
to last long with Mr. Scott and then we can go get
something to eat." She leaned over and put some oldies on
the radio, but kept the volume low, so that it wouldn't be too
loud so we could talk.

"Well, I am kind of hungry, but like you said. This has
been a big day for me."

"But what about the dresses we got? Come on O, when are
you ever going to wear them, if you don't go anywhere?" Once again, another argument that I wasn't going to win.

"I don't know. Maybe when we go to that diner tomorrow
for lunch, we could wear them." The visual of doing just
that had me giggling, because we always go to this hole in
the wall diner, but they make the best chicken fried steak
and it’s my favorite place.

"Oh yeah, that would work. They would think that we got
off work from a prostitution gig!" I think the visual of us
doing that had her thinking about it and before you knew it,
we were both laughing our butts off.

"I guess a nap will work and I should be alright for
tonight." I knew I was going to give in and go. The
giggling had me forget about my mini breakdown.

"Awesome! You're not going to regret it and do you know
what we should do? Remember when we were in high
school and we would do each other’s hair? We should do
that!" The idea of doing just that had me laughing my head
off. I always did a pretty good job with her hair, but she'd
always do something crazy with mine!

"That might be fun for you, because you know I'll make your hair look great, but I'm kind of worried about what
you'll do to mine. I don't think I trust you." This made her
laugh her head off. I'm sure she was picturing all of the
crazy things she did to me.

"Ok ok. You got me there. I promise I will NOT put corn
roles in your hair! I did think that was a good look for you,
by the way." Oh lord! The corn roles! I had forgotten
about them. It took hours for me to get them out of my hair. My mom mentioned getting my dad’s clippers out and just
shaving my head to get it over with!

"There's really not much you can do with my hair, Claud.
You can either straighten it or curl it. It's up to you. I do
trust you. Plus I know you don't have hours to do any
damage by corn rolling it." My hair is really long and thick
and straight as a board. Not much you can do with it, which
is why I usually just do something simple like a braid or
tying it up in a ponytail, or a huge bun.

"Darn the luck! Maybe we can try for that next Sunday!
We could order a pizza and watch TV, while I sit there and
get cramps in my hand, haha."

"That actually sounds fun, believe it or not. Maybe I am
coming out of my shell a little bit."

"I'm so glad, O! I'm going to keep chip chipping away at that shell of yours and we are going to have a blast doing
it! In the meantime, go inside and take a nap. I'll wake
you up with enough time for us to get ready."
I looked up and realized we were home. Oh, my bed was
calling me. Just the sight of the house has me wanting to crawl
into bed and not come out, but I wasn't going to do that. I
plan on giving Claudia what she wanted and enjoy the rest
of the day and night with her. It has been a great day so far,
other than the little speed bump at the salon, but she's
leaving me alone about my hair. I doubt I'll ever be able to
cut it, but after today who knows.

*****************

I woke up to my cell phone ringing and I looked at the
caller ID and saw it was my dad. I hesitated to answer it, but I
knew if I didn't then he would call Claudia.

"Hi Daddy!"

"Well hey sweetheart, did I wake you?" I've always loved
the sound of my dad's sweet voice and now I feel bad about
not wanting to answer the phone.

"Well, actually you did. I was taking a nap, but that's ok. I
needed to get up. How are you and Mom doing?" I'm sure
he knows I sleep too much and for the first time in
a long time, I was actually telling the truth and was taking a
nap.