Lost and Found (33 page)

"That's why I couldn't stay there alone, because after I saw
the hurt and betrayal in your eyes, I knew I'd open that other
bottle. I don't want there to be any more lies between us,
okay? And please, please quit thinking you're not gorgeous
and quit thinking you don't deserve me, because Baby, it's
the other way around. I don't deserve you!"

I know he's looking at me and waiting for a reply, but I just
can't speak. I understand how he feels, but is he going to do
this to himself every year? When is he going to realize that he didn't do anything wrong? Vanessa didn't do
anything wrong, all she wanted was another baby. When
does it end? She's been dead years longer than Derek and
the kids, and it's like I'm in a better place than he is. Every
time he sees a pregnant woman, is he thinking she's going to
die?

I realize that he's never said goodbye to Vanessa. He's
never had his closure, like I did with Derek and the kids.
For me, it just helped me move on from my grief. Yes, I still
miss them and if someone told me today I could have
them back if I left Cash, I would do it in a heartbeat. But
that's never going to happen.

"Talk to me, Liv. What's going through your mind right
now?"

"I was wondering if you've ever told Vanessa goodbye, and
I was wondering if this is what you're going to do every
year on the anniversary of her death, to punish yourself." I
look over at him and he's looking at me with a shocked expression on his face.

"How can I say goodbye to her when she's not really there?
And no I don't plan on doing this again, thank you very
much." He grabs his stomach, which lets me know that he's
nauseous.

"I know she's not there, but what helped me move on was
going and visiting Derek and the kids, and telling them
goodbye and that they would always have a piece of my
heart, but that I had to start living my life."

"That might have worked for you Liv, but like I said... I've
already moved on. I'm okay, as long as I have you and the
kids to love every day."

This makes me realize that even though he thinks he's
moved on, he hasn't, because I still remember the look on
his face when I saw him at the cemetery. The only thought that I have going through my mind is what the hell have I
done?

********************

We are back at the house and Cash and I are in my bed at
Claudia's, lying side by side. Even though we had a really
nice dinner and went dancing for a little while after, I'm not
going to initiate sex tonight and he hasn't either.

The conversation that we had in the car has been weighing
on my mind all night. Not to mention him getting plastered
and feeling the need to lie about it.

"Liv? Are you asleep?"

"No."

"Are you sure?" Am I sure? Haha. I just answered him,
didn't I?

"Yeah, I'm asleep."

"Okay, goodnight sweetheart."

"Cash? Are you still drunk? Because obviously I'm not
asleep, since I answered you."

"No, but I need to talk to you. I feel like you're still mad at
me, because you've barely talked to me all night and I can't
stand this friction between us."

I should have pretended to be asleep. Are relationships
always this stressful? Yes. I already know the answer to
that from experience.

"I'm not mad at you. I'm just kind of kicking myself right
now in thinking that we were ready to be in a relationship,
and I've already fallen for you, so I'm just trying to figure
out what we should do."

"You're kicking yourself? For what? You haven't messed up like I have, Liv. We love each other, isn't that all that matters? Do I have to do what you asked me to do? Say
goodbye to Vanessa? Because I will do it, if that's what you
want me to do." I reach over to turn the lamp on and turn
around and look at him.

"Cash, you don't do that because I suggested it, you do it
because you want to. Nobody told me to or asked me to, it
was something I knew in my heart I had to do." I can tell by
the look on his face that he understood.

"When did you do it, Liv? What gave you the strength to do
it?" If I tell him this, I'll have to tell him that I saw him at
the cemetery as I was leaving.

"It was the day after I met you, believe it or not. I was so
mad at Claud for suggesting I take your job offer, and we got into a very big fight over my grief and she filled me in on a
 
few things that I didn't know she was feeling about. How
she worried about me and was afraid that she would come home one day and I find me dead from killing myself. I owe
her so much and if it wasn't for her, I probably wouldn't be
here."

"So, what made you take the job?"
Here we are. The part of the conversation I didn't want to
have.

"Honestly? It was you and the kids." He arches his
eyebrows at me with a questionable look on his face, so I
continue and explain.

"The day that I went to the cemetery, I saw you as I was
leaving. You were carrying a dozen white roses and the look on your face broke my heart, because I've seen that
same look on my own face, when I had the courage to look
into the mirror, and what I saw on your face was nothing but
grief." By now he has his head down and is playing
with a thread on the pillow, so I continue.

"All I could think about was your babies that needed
someone to care for them and I knew it had to be me. As
much as I knew it was going to hurt being around them,
because I missed my babies so much. The only reason I even brought Vanessa up, was because
you say you're not grieving anymore, but what I saw that
day was the complete opposite. So am I wrong, Cash?" He
looks up at me and his eyes are pooled with tears, but he's
nodding his head.

"Yes, you're wrong and I remember that day, because I thought about you all night and it took me forever to fall
asleep, but when I woke up, I woke up grinning from ear to
ear, thinking about you, but then I started feeling guilty
about how I was feeling about another woman and I felt that I had to apologize to Vanessa for how I was feeling. I
was lying, when I said she's not there. I actually saw her
quite often, but I just didn't want you to think I was crazy." I
reach over and hug him tight, because I felt the same exact
way every time I would see Derek and the kids.

"Cash, of all people, I would never think you were crazy. I saw Derek and the kids’ lots of times. They never spoke to
me, but they always seemed happy. Do I think it was a
figment of my imagination? Probably. But I think it's
normal to see people that we love that have died. I really can't explain it, sometimes it comforted me and sometimes
it had me bawling so hard it made me miss them more."

"That day was different, though. I poured my heart out to
her and told her that I had met you, and that I felt like I did
when I had met her. I told her that maybe I needed to move on and she smiled at me, waved, and walked away." He
leans forward and moves the hair out of my face.

"I didn't know what to think about it and I left even more
confused than I was when I got there. I still couldn't get you
out of my head, though, so that's why I called to offer you
the job again. I left work early Wednesday, because I knew you were coming to meet the kids and I wanted to be there
when you got there, but I had to go see her first, because I
felt that she was really gone for good and I wanted her to
show me a sign about what I should do. I kept yelling at her
and she never showed up, so I left." He's running his fingers
through my hair now and he's sitting up, while I'm still
lying down. I can tell that he's not through, so I give him
some time.

"On my way home, Mrs. Williamson called to tell me about
you firing her, which pissed me off even more, but after you
chewed me out up one side and the other, I felt that was
my sign that I had asked Vanessa for, because you talked to
me in the same way that she would when she would get
mad at me. So, here we are. I swear, today was just me
feeling guilty that I was happy and since I had always
gotten drunk every year, I just planned it, because I don't feel
that I deserve you. You are the most selfless person I have
ever met, which makes me love you even more, Liv!"

Maybe it's good that we had this little talk, because he really
did say goodbye to Vanessa, he just didn't realize that he
had.

"So, can I ask you a question?"

"Ask me anything! No more secrets or lies!"

"Okay. When was the last time you went to visit
Vanessa?" He acts as if he knew that was going to be my
question.

"I don't know how I knew, but I knew that was what you
were going to ask me. It was the Saturday after you flat out
told me there could be nothing more between us but a boss
and employee relationship. I left this place quite bereft, and
knew that I had messed up by what I had said to you. I knew
I was moving too fast for you and you were terrified of
how you were feeling about me." I lean up and give him a
kiss, because I'm past what he said and being scared and I
wanted to reassure him of that.

"She seemed to be waiting for me, because as soon as I got
out of the car she was there and looked angry,
standing there with her hands on her hips, looking at
me like
she
was disgusted. I got closer to her and told her
that I knew I messed up and that I would try to fix it, and
she smiled that sweet smile of hers and just walked off."

"Liv, I know we are meant to be together. I'm sorry that
you came down with the flu, but I'm glad that you got sick,
because it gave me a chance to spend the weekend taking
care of you. Spending that time alone was the best thing
that could have happened for us."

"I will have to agree with you, even though I felt like I was
going to die. But Cash, you did have your goodbye with
Vanessa."

"I guess I did, huh? When you brought it up in the car, I really didn't want to talk about it, because I was more
worried about you and how ashamed I felt at you finding
me in that condition. I'm so sorry. I don't know how many
more times I have to say I'm sorry, but I will until you
believe me." I pull him down on top of me, slowly kiss
him, and put my arms around him.

"I believe you, Cash. Let’s not have any more secrets
between us, okay? And no lying! I don't want to have a
relationship like the last one I was in. I never want to
wonder how you feel about me, because I love you so much
it hurts."

"Oh, Baby. No worries there. I know Claudia is in the next
room, but I don't mind showing you how I feel right now.
What do ya say?"

I'm really tired and we have to get up early in the morning,
but he's not playing fair by whispering in my ear and
kissing me on the back of my neck, which has me moaning
with pleasure.

"So, what did you have in mind exactly?

"Turn the light off and I'll show you, Baby."

I look at him and see all of the want for me in his eyes,
which turns me on even more. I lean over and turn the light
off and we find each other in the dark with a long, deep, possessive kiss.