Lost at School (14 page)

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Being embarrassed

Schedule changes

CHAPTER 4

Let’s Get It Started

If you’re feeling like you don’t know much about how to do Plan B yet, don’t despair; you’re about to find out. So far, what you know about Plan B is that it’s one of three ways adults handle problems with kids, and that it’s quite different from the usual ways. You also know that, depending on your timing, there are two forms of Plan B. Proactive B is used well before a challenging behavior occurs yet again, and is made possible by the fact that challenging episodes tend to be highly predictable. Emergency B is used in the midst of a challenging episode. Because Proactive B is far preferable, it will be our primary focus. A description of Emergency B comes later in the chapter.

Plan B allows adults to achieve five goals essential to helping kids with behavioral challenges.

•
Goal #1: Pursue unmet expectations and ensure that your concerns about a given kid’s challenges are addressed.

If a kid is doing something you wish he wasn’t—for example, interfering with the learning of his classmates, calling out without raising his hand, treating other kids in an unkind manner, or making classmates feel unsafe—or not doing something you wish he was,
such as not working on a given assignment, failing to complete homework, or not working cooperatively with the kids in his group, you have unmet expectations to pursue and concerns to be addressed.

•
Goal #2: Solve the problems precipitating a child’s challenging episodes in a collaborative, mutually satisfactory, and durable fashion.

Most kids with behavioral challenges have five or six unsolved problems that are routinely precipitating their challenging episodes. The goal is to resolve them one by one so that, after a period of time, they aren’t causing challenging episodes anymore. But the collaborative and mutually satisfactory elements are crucial. As you’ve already read, solutions that don’t stand the test of time usually fall flat because they fail to identify and resolve the concerns of both parties.

•
Goal #3: Teach the kid the skills he’s lacking.

The more adults use Plan B to solve problems, the more practice and help kids receive with a lot of the skills they’re lacking. Plan B helps kids think about, identify, and articulate the concerns that are precipitating challenging behavior; take into account situational factors and others’ perspectives; move off of their original solution; generate alternative solutions; consider whether those solutions are realistic and mutually satisfactory; and talk about problems without going over the edge—all things kids with behavioral challenges may not be very good at. Plan B doesn’t teach these skills in one repetition, it takes multiple reps (as it does with any new skill).

•
Goal #4: Reduce challenging behavior.

When adults better understand challenging behavior, solve problems durably and collaboratively, and simultaneously teach lagging thinking skills, challenging behavior is reduced. The work is often slow and messy. There’s no way around that. CPS is not a quick fix. Of course, you don’t fix a reading disability in a week, either. In fact, find a challenging kid people are trying to fix quickly and you’ll see a
challenging kid it’s taking a very long time to fix. There’s no cookie cutter, either. The approach must be tailored to the needs of each individual child to whom it is being applied.

•
Goal #5: Create a helping relationship.

Why be adversarial, why be the enemy, when you and the kid can be on the same team? In creating a process that helps you and the kid collaborate on solutions that will address each others’ concerns, Plan B facilitates a helping relationship. The kid comes to feel that you actually care about his concerns, that you feel his concerns are legitimate. He realizes that you’re going to listen to him, try to understand him, and make sure that his concerns are addressed. He knows you’re not mad, that he’s not in trouble, that you’re not going to tell him what to do. He begins to trust you, to rely on you … as a helper.

Let’s start with the basics of Plan B and go into more detail as we move along. There are three steps for doing Plan B, and they are the same whether you’re doing Proactive B or Emergency B: (1) Empathy, (2) Define the problem, (3) Invitation.

Each step brings crucial ingredients to the durable and collaborative resolution of problems. These ingredients are what distinguish Plan B from other types of conversations or discussions and make “talking with a kid” much more productive. Many people find it difficult to apply these ingredients, so you’re in for some hard work. Then again, if you’re trying to help a challenging kid, you’re already working hard. Let’s make sure you have something to show for your hard work.

EMPATHY

The goal of the Empathy step is to achieve the best possible
understanding
of a kid’s
concern
or
perspective
related to a given problem. Like adults, kids have legitimate concerns: approval, hunger, fatigue, fear, a desire to do certain things, a tendency to avoid things they’re not good at, a desire not to be embarrassed or humiliated, and so forth.
However, most kids are accustomed to having their concerns superseded by the concerns of adults. If a kid’s concerns about a problem remain unidentified and unaddressed, then the kid will have little investment in working with you and the problem will remain unsolved. You don’t lose any authority by gathering information about and understanding a kid’s concerns; you gain a problem-solving teammate.

Adults often feel they already know what a kid’s concern or perspective is, so they don’t see the point in spending time figuring it out. Or they skip or rush through the Empathy step because they’re narrowly focused on their own concerns. Or they are so consumed by a kid’s challenging behavior that they lose sight of the fact that there are valid concerns precipitating that challenging behavior.

How do you get the information-gathering process rolling? If you’re doing Proactive B, Empathy involves making a neutral observation about a challenge or problem the kid is having, followed by an initial inquiry. In its most basic form, here’s what that might sound like:

Example #1:

      A
DULT
(Empathy step, kicking off Proactive B): I’ve noticed that you’ve been getting pretty mad at some of the other kids lately. What’s up?

Example #2:

      A
DULT
(Empathy step, kicking off Proactive B): I’ve noticed that you haven’t been getting much homework done lately. What’s up?

The
neutral
aspect of the neutral observation is important, because it requires that adults resist the temptation to jump to biased conclusions about the kid’s concerns. Here are some examples of biased observations on the getting-mad problem:

“I guess you don’t care about hurting other kids.”

“You know, you can’t always have things your own way.”

Some biased examples on the homework problem:

“You must not be very interested in getting good grades.”

“The homework must be too hard for you.”

Right or wrong, these observations are definitely not neutral and certainly not the best way to get the kid to talk about the problem. In fact, such judgments often have the effect, especially in challenging kids, of ending the discussion before it has even started.

If you’re lucky, after you ask “What’s up?” the kid will say something. In most cases, what he says is going to require further clarification. If you’re unlucky, he’ll say “I don’t know” or nothing at all, and such responses often cause great panic in adults who had the misimpression that Plan B was going to be smooth sailing. But “I don’t know” may be a true statement. It’s possible the kid has never thought about your question before, that he just needs some time to think about it, that he’s going to need your help figuring it out, that he’s not very comfortable talking about his concerns, that he doesn’t quite trust you yet, or that he doesn’t have the communication skills to say what he’s thinking. More on these issues later. For the time being, -we’re going to assume that the kid actually did say something:

      A
DULT
(Empathy step, kicking off Proactive B): I’ve noticed that you’ve been getting pretty mad at some of the other kids lately. What’s up?

      C
HILD
:
They won’t let me play with them.

      A
DULT
:
Ah, they won’t let you play with them and that makes you mad.

      A
DULT
(Empathy step, kicking off Proactive B): I’ve noticed that you haven’t been getting much homework done lately.

      O
LDER
K
ID
:
I’ve been getting some homework done.

      A
DULT
(clarifying the concern): Yes, some, that’s true. But a lot less than usual, yes?

      O
LDER
K
ID
:
Yeah.

      A
DULT
:
So, what’s up? How come you’re getting less done than usual?

      O
LDER
K
ID
:
Most of the homework lately is our geography projects, and I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to look that stuff up. Plus—don’t take this wrong—it’s not that
interesting. I got stuck with Uzbekistan, or whatever it’s called.

      A
DULT
:
That’s true, we have been spending a lot of time on our geography projects. And it sounds like you’re not too interested in the country you were assigned.

The Empathy step is now rolling. But you’re probably not done yet. You don’t move on to the next step until you feel that you have the clearest possible understanding of the kid’s concern or perspective on the unsolved problem you’re discussing, something I’ve referred to as an “aha!” moment. Achieving this understanding means you’re probably going to need to “drill” a little. Notice the word isn’t
grill
, it’s
drill,
as in drilling for information. Here’s what drilling might look like (using a different example):

      A
DULT
:
I’ve noticed you’ve been having some trouble with swearing lately. What’s up?

      K
ID
:
Um … sometimes the words just pop out.

      A
DULT
:
Ah, that can happen sometimes. How come the words just pop out?

      K
ID
:
You guys get more freaked out about swearing than my parents do. They don’t think it’s that big of a deal.

      A
DULT
:
Ah, so there’s a lot of swearing at home?

      K
ID
:
No, not really a lot, but my parents just don’t care about it like you all do.

      A
DULT
:
So, I don’t understand how that causes you to swear at school.

      K
ID
:
It’s not like I’m swearing all the time! Just some of the time.

      A
DULT
:
I’m wondering if we can figure out when those sometimes are.

      K
ID
:
I don’t know when I swear.

      A
DULT
:
Can you think of a time lately when you swore?

      K
ID
:
I swore while I was taking the math test in Mrs. Thompson’s class.

      A
DULT
:
What do you think it was about the math test that caused you to swear?

      K
ID
:
Like I said, it just popped out.

      
A
DULT
:
Yes, but I’m thinking there may have been something about the math test that caused it to just pop out. Can you remember?

      K
ID
:
There was a problem I couldn’t figure out.

      A
DULT
:
Ah, so that’s why you swore.

      K
ID
:
Yeah, maybe.

      A
DULT
:
Can you think of other times when a swear word might pop out?

      K
ID
:
Um … well, sometimes when I’m messing around with my friends and I didn’t know an adult was listening.

      A
DULT
:
I can see how that could happen. Any other times?

      K
ID
:
Um …

      A
DULT
:
Take your time. There’s no rush.

When you’re drilling, you’re trying to gather more specific information about something that’s still pretty general (“the words just pop out”), often by probing about the who, what, where, when, and sometimes why, of the problem. You can also seek greater clarity by saying things like, “I don’t quite understand,” “Can you tell me more about that?” “I’m confused,” or “How so?” or by asking for the kid’s thoughts on why the behavior or problem occurs in one situation and not another. All along, you’re asking yourself, “Does this make sense to me yet? Do I feel like I fully understand his concerns on this problem?” If not, keep drilling.