Lost at School (20 page)

The most common reason adults didn’t do Plan B is because they were busy doing Plan A. Sometimes that’s because they had no intention of doing Plan B in the first place. But, more often, adults revert to Plan A because they got stuck somewhere in the midst of doing Plan B—frequently because they’re not exactly sure what to say, especially as they begin trying to clarify a kid’s concerns—and simply returned to something more familiar. Luckily, with the pressure for adults to be geniuses now removed, there’s no need for you to figure things out all on your own. In other words, confusion and uncertainty are permitted. If you’re uncertain about what the kid is trying to tell you, ask for clarification. He may be confused himself (again, this may be the first time anyone’s ever asked him what his concerns are, so the information may not be on the tip of his tongue), in which case the Empathy step represents a great opportunity to get things sorted out.

Adults may also revert to Plan A in the midst of Plan B because they’re more focused on their own concern than on the kid’s concern. Now, maybe it’s just human nature to be more focused on your own concern than that of another person. And many adults have had a lot of practice having their concerns ignored or dismissed in childhood and adolescence and are simply perpetuating the cycle. But it doesn’t need to be that way. When you’re using Plan B you’re as focused on clarifying and addressing the kid’s concern as you are on clarifying and addressing your own concern.

PERFUNCTORY EMPATHY

This problem was mentioned in the last chapter, but it’s probably a good idea to spend more time on it. Perfunctory Empathy is the tendency to rush through the Empathy step as quickly as possible, which has the effect of preventing adults from understanding the kid’s concern or perspective. Thus, instead of fully clarifying the kid’s concern, a “low-quality concern” is entered into consideration. The problem:
Vague concerns lead to vague solutions.
If the kid’s concerns are not well-specified, it’s unlikely that the eventual solution will address his specific concerns.

Many adults find it hard to stay patient in the Empathy step. But the goal is not to get the conversation over within a nanosecond (again, a good reason to be using Proactive B rather than Emergency B). Problems that get solved in a nanosecond usually aren’t durably solved. It’s important to remember a crucial idea that was mentioned in the last chapter: You’re not done with the Empathy step until you have the clearest possible understanding of the kid’s concern or perspective. When you’re in the Empathy step, you’re in information-seeking mode.

Need an example of Perfunctory Empathy? Here goes:

      A
DULT
(using Proactive B): Tanya, I’ve noticed that you don’t seem too enthusiastic about going out for recess lately.

      T
ANYA
:
Yup.

      A
DULT
:
So what’s up?

      T
ANYA
:
I just don’t want to go out.

      A
DULT
(prematurely jumping into the Define the Problem step): OK, so you don’t want to go out for recess. The thing is, I don’t mind you staying in with me every once in a while, but sometimes I have things to do outside the classroom while the class is at recess, and so there wouldn’t be anyone to watch you. Do you understand?

      T
ANYA
:
Uh-huh.

      A
DULT
(moving on to the Invitation): I wonder what we can do about the fact that you don’t want to go out for recess and I can’t always have you stay in with me? Do you have any ideas?

You might be thinking that this example wasn’t so awful. No, it wasn’t awful, but the adult doesn’t really understand Tanya’s concern about going out to recess, so it’s highly unlikely that Tanya’s concern will be addressed.

You pretty much know whether you’ve done a good job of identifying and clarifying concerns when you arrive at the Invitation. If, in the midst of the Invitation, you find yourself summarizing concerns that are not yet specific enough, what should you do? Backtrack. Go back to the concerns that aren’t specific enough and clarify further. Let’s see what that would look like.

      A
DULT
(using Proactive B): Tanya, I’ve noticed that you don’t seem too enthusiastic about going out for recess lately.

      T
ANYA
:
Yup.

      A
DULT
:
So what’s up?

      T
ANYA
:
I just don’t want to go out.

      A
DULT
(prematurely jumping into the Define the Problem step): OK, so you don’t want to go out for recess. The thing is, I don’t mind you staying in with me every once in a while, but sometimes I have things to do outside the classroom while the class is at recess, and so there wouldn’t be anyone to watch you. Do you understand?

      T
ANYA
:
Uh-huh.

      A
DULT
(moving on to the Invitation, then backtracking): So, I wonder what we can do about the fact that you don’t want to go out for recess and … wait a second. I don’t think I really understand why you don’t want to go out for recess. Can you help me understand that better? Do you know why you don’t want to go out?

      T
ANYA
:
Um, kinda.

      A
DULT
:
Can you tell me what it is?

      T
ANYA
:
Well, I’m not supposed to.

      A
DULT
:
Hmm. Sounds pretty important. How come you’re not supposed to?

      T
ANYA
:
Can’t say that, either.

      A
DULT
:
Tanya, did someone tell you not to talk about these things?

      T
ANYA
(nods)

      
A
DULT
:
Is it one of the kids in our class?

      T
ANYA
(nods)

      A
DULT
:
OK, I don’t need to know who, but what did they say would happen if you told me?

      T
ANYA
:
I would get hurt.

      A
DULT
:
So if you tell me why you don’t want to go out for recess, you’re worried that someone will hurt you?

      T
ANYA
(nods)

Looks like there’s more going on in recess than Perfunctory Empathy will reveal. Take your time. There are important concerns to be uncovered.

The adult tendency to rush through or pay short shrift to the Empathy step is aggravated by the fact that, as mentioned in
Chapter 4
, many kids don’t know what their concerns are. Because kids are accustomed to having their concerns dismissed, it’s possible they haven’t given the matter much thought. They may need some help figuring out what their concerns are, and your best strategy here would be
educated guessing,
or what some might call hypothesis testing. Your powers of observation and recollection of past instances in which the child (or others) had a similar problem should serve you well here. Plus, there are a finite number of concerns or problems that might be associated with a given unmet expectation. For example, there are probably a half dozen or so concerns or problems that might be interfering with homework completion; the same number of concerns or problems that might make it hard for a kid to sit through circle time; and a similar number of concerns or problems that might be impeding a kid’s ability to get started on class assignments.

Also, consistent with what you read a few paragraphs ago, bear in mind that your educated guesses are
tentative hypotheses.
You want to make sure it’s the
kid’s
concerns, and not your presuppositions, that are entered into consideration. If your educated guess is on the money or even close, kids will usually find a way to let you know. And they’ll let you know if your guess is off base, too.

      A
DULT
(initiating Proactive Plan B): I’ve noticed that sometimes you have trouble sitting in circle time. What’s up?

      
C
HILD
:
I don’t know.

      A
DULT
:
You don’t? Take your time. There’s no rush. Think about it a little. What’s hard for you about circle time?

      C
HILD
:
I don’t know.

      A
DULT
:
Well, I might have some ideas about that, but I want to hear your ideas first.

      C
HILD
(shrugs)

      A
DULT
:
Well, I’ve noticed that you don’t have too much trouble in the beginning of circle time, but it gets harder for you the longer you have to sit. Do you think that could be part of the problem?

      C
HILD
(if we’re lucky): Yes.

      A
DULT
(reempathizing so as to get the kid’s concern on the table): So it’s very hard for you to sit in the circle for a long time. Is there anything else that’s hard for you about circle time?

      C
HILD
:
I don’t know.

      A
DULT
:
Well, sometimes it seems like you find it more interesting to talk to the kids sitting next to you about things that are different than what we’re talking about in the group. Do you think that could be part of the problem, too?

      C
HILD
:
Um—no. I think what we’re talking about in the group is interesting. I think I just start talking about other stuff when I have trouble sitting for a long time.

      A
DULT
(same routine as above): Ah, I think I understand. So if we did something about how long you have to sit, you’d find it easier to stick with whatever the group is talking about?

      C
HILD
:
Right.

Some adults also have a tendency to conclude that a kid’s concerns aren’t “accurate,” but it’s important to be open to the possibility that your own assumptions about the kid’s concerns are inaccurate. There are basically two mistakes you can make:

1. assume the kid’s concerns are on target when there’s a chance they’re not, or

2. assume the kid’s concerns are not on target when there’s a chance the kid has hit the nail on the head.

The first mistake is far preferable. The price of the second mistake is much higher. The worst-case scenario, and this is no tragedy, is that you and the kid agree to a solution that addresses the kid’s stated concern (but not what turns out to be the primary or central concern) and the original solution doesn’t resolve the problem. When you return to Plan B, you want to suggest that there might be more to the problem than was captured by the original concern and that other concerns may be coming into play:

      A
DULT
:
Elena, remember when we talked about how it was really important to you to partner with classmates you get along with?

      E
LENA
:
Yes.

      A
DULT
:
And remember that we came up with a list of kids you felt OK working with?

      E
LENA
:
Uh-huh.

      A
DULT
:
Well, I’ve been pairing you with the kids you said you were OK working with, and I’m noticing that there are still a lot of times where you’re not doing your work. I’m beginning to wonder if maybe there are some other reasons you’re having difficulty getting your work done. Can we think about that a little?

MISSING STEPS

Often, Plan B goes awry because the adult skipped one of the three steps of Plan B. As you might imagine, the most commonly skipped step is Empathy. If you skip the Empathy step, you won’t engage the kid in the conversation, you won’t identify and clarify his concern, and you won’t reach a mutually satisfactory resolution to the problem you were trying to address. That’s a lot of won’ts! But here’s what missing Empathy might sound like, switching to a different kid:

      A
DULT
:
Ahmad, I want to talk to you about how things have been going in our class.

      A
HMAD
:
What about it?

      
A
DULT
(skipping Empathy and jumping to the Define the Problem step): Well, you’re spending a lot of time socializing with Antoine and it’s disrupting the learning of the other kids and I don’t want to have to send you out.

      A
HMAD
:
(responding as kids frequently do when their concerns are disregarded): I don’t care if you send me out.

      A
DULT
(plunging into a halfhearted, frustrated Invitation, then throwing in the towel): Look, I just wanted to see if we could figure out what to do about it. But if you don’t care, then I guess you’ll be spending a lot of time in the hallway until you change your attitude.

That was quick, and it wasn’t Plan B. Now, let’s rewind the tape, add the Empathy step back into the mix, and see how it goes:

      A
DULT
(Empathy, Proactive B): Ahmad, can we talk a little about how things have been going in our class?

      A
HMAD
:
What about it?

      A
DULT
:
Well, to be perfectly honest, I’ve noticed that you’re not getting much work done, you’re joking around a lot, making strange noises, and making it hard for the other kids to work. I’m just wondering what’s going on.