Lost at School (21 page)

      A
HMAD
:
I can’t do it.

      A
DULT
(clarifying): You can’t do it. What can’t you do?

      A
HMAD
:
I just can’t do it.

      A
DULT
(still clarifying): I hear ya. But I’m still not clear about what part you don’t get.

      A
HMAD
:
I can’t remember all these parts of the nervous system!

      A
DULT
:
Remembering all the parts of the nervous system is hard for you. So that’s why you’re cutting up a lot?

      A
HMAD
:
What’s the point in my trying hard? I can’t do it.

      A
DULT
:
Well, at least we have a better idea about what’s getting in your way. Just one question: Why are you feeling so much pressure to memorize the parts of the nervous system so fast?

      A
HMAD
:
My mom said if I get anything below a C on my next report card, she’s gonna ground me for a month.

      
A
DULT
(empathizing yet again): Ah, so you’re feeling extra pressure.

Now that we have a much better sense of what Ahmad’s concern is, we can work toward addressing it.

Adults don’t often skip the Define the Problem step. But, as mentioned in
Chapter 4
, this step can go awry because adults end up putting a
solution
rather than a concern on the table, often because they’re not sure what their concern is.

      R
ODNEY
(loudly): This test sucks!

      A
DULT
(Empathy, Emergency B): Uh-oh. Sounds like someone’s having trouble with the test. What’s up, Rodney?

      R
ODNEY
:
I can’t do this much writing.

      A
DULT
(putting a solution into play): I hear ya. I’m sorry the writing part is hard for you, but you really have to take the test.

Well done on the Empathy step. But Define the Problem needs some work. And the timing wasn’t the best, especially if the problem was predictable (and therefore grist for the Proactive B mill). But let’s rewind the tape and see how it goes:

      R
ODNEY
(loudly): This test sucks!

      A
DULT
(Empathy, Emergency B): Uh-oh. Sounds like someone’s having trouble with the test. What’s up, Rodney?

      R
ODNEY
:
I can’t do this much writing.

      A
DULT
(refined Empathy, then Define the Problem): I hear ya. I know writing is a little hard for you. The thing is, I need some way of making sure you’ve learned the material.

Now
there’s
an adult concern we could try to address. Is there a way for us to make sure that Rodney knows the material even though the writing part is hard? Undoubtedly. But realistic and mutually satisfactory solutions to this problem would never be contemplated if the adult wasn’t able to be specific about his or her concern. For many adults, this is the hardest part of Plan B.

Of course, the other step adults frequently skip is the Invitation. It’s fairly common for adults to successfully navigate the Empathy and Define the Problem steps and then veer off the cliff anyway by skipping the Invitation. For an example, let’s go back to our friend Rodney.

      R
ODNEY
(loudly): This test sucks!

      A
DULT
(Empathy, Emergency B): Uh-oh. Sounds like someone’s having trouble with the test. What’s up, Rodney?

      R
ODNEY
:
I can’t do this much writing.

      A
DULT
(refined Empathy, then Define the Problem, then veering): I hear ya. I know writing is a little hard for you. The thing is, I need some way of making sure you know the material. So just buckle down and do the best you can. I bet if you tried harder you’d be able to do it.

      R
ODNEY
:
I said I can’t do this much writing!

Rodney was actually hanging in there, right up until the veering part. Shall we rewind the tape again?

      R
ODNEY
(loudly): This test sucks!

      A
DULT
(Empathy, Emergency B): Uh-oh. Sounds like someone’s having trouble with the test. What’s up, Rodney?

      R
ODNEY
:
I can’t do this much writing.

      A
DULT
(refined Empathy, then Define the Problem, then the Invitation): I hear ya. I know writing is a little hard for you. The thing is, I need some way of making sure you know the material. I wonder if there’s some way for me to make sure you know the material even though the writing part is hard for you. Do you have any ideas?

Very nice.

But, you may be wondering, what about Rodney’s profanity? What you do about his profanity
at that moment
is your judgment call. In the above example, the adult decided that the use of profanity was not the most important issue to attend to at that moment, and made the judgment call that the best course of action was to get the
test issue settled. Addressing the profanity issue at that moment might have pushed Rodney beyond the brink and set the stage for a major episode. At the very least, it probably would have ended his participation in Plan B. If his use of profanity is a concern the adult wants to address, that can be done later with a separate Proactive Plan B. Will the other kids get the idea that it’s OK to use profanity in the classroom? Not if the adult addresses the profanity issue later with Proactive Plan B. And, of course, not if Rodney and his teacher are busy solving the problems that are setting the stage for his profanity.

You may also be wondering what to do if Rodney is unable to generate any solutions. As you’ve already read, resolution of the problem isn’t solely Rodney’s responsibility; it’s a team effort. He may need some help thinking of solutions. That’s where you come in. In the following (now Proactive) Plan B dialogue, the teacher and Rodney have returned to the writing problem:

      A
DULT
:
OK, let’s talk. You’re having trouble with the writing part.

      R
ODNEY
:
Writing sucks.

      A
DULT
:
What is it about writing that you’re not so keen about?

      R
ODNEY
:
It just sucks. It’s too hard for me. It’s too much.

      A
DULT
:
You know, I’m sorry we haven’t talked about this earlier. I guess I just haven’t had time to sit down and chat about this. I know writing is a little hard for you. Help me understand more about that. Why is it hard? What makes it feel like it’s too much?

      R
ODNEY
:
I don’t know, man, like, one- or two-word answers, that’s no problem, but when you want us to write more than that, it feels like a whole book!

      A
DULT
:
So that’s when it feels like too much? Is that what you mean that it’s too hard?

      R
ODNEY
:
Yeah.

      A
DULT
:
So now let me ask a few more questions. When you’re supposed to write more than a few words, when it feels like a whole book, is it that you’re having trouble thinking of the words to write, or that writing down the words is hard, or something else?

      
R
ODNEY
:
Both of those things. Plus, I write slow, so even when I think of good words, by the time I get around to writing them I forget what I wanted to write.

      A
DULT
:
I understand. That is hard. And the help Mr. Morgan is giving you, does that help?

      R
ODNEY
:
It helps while he’s helping me! But it doesn’t help when he’s not helping me!

      A
DULT
:
OK. I think I understand why you’re so frustrated about this. I’m glad we’re talking about it. Here’s the thing … I need some way of making sure you know the material, and I want to make sure you get some practice at writing so it’s not always this hard for you. So I’m wondering if there’s some way for me to make sure you know the material even though the writing part is hard for you. Do you have any ideas?

      R
ODNEY
:
No. It’s too hard.

      A
DULT
:
You don’t have any ideas about what we could do?

      R
ODNEY
:
I don’t know.

It looks like Rodney doesn’t have any ideas on this one. Luckily, solving this problem is a joint venture.

      A
DULT
:
Well, I might have a few ideas.

      R
ODNEY
:
Like what?

      A
DULT
:
Well, for some assignments, I could get someone to write for you. Then I could be sure you know the material and you wouldn’t get so frustrated about the writing being hard.

      R
ODNEY
:
I guess that’s OK.

      A
DULT
:
And then, just to make sure you won’t need someone to write for you forever, we could pick a few assignments that you’d practice writing with Mr. Morgan. What do you think?

      R
ODNEY
:
That could work.

      A
DULT
:
Well, there might be other ways to solve the problem. Any ideas come to you?

      R
ODNEY
:
No.

      A
DULT
:
Let’s keep thinking. I know you’ve been learning to
keyboard with Mr. Morgan. Does that make writing less frustrating?

      R
ODNEY
:
Not really. I’m slow at that, too.

      A
DULT
:
Maybe we should go with having someone write for you … for now. What do you think?

      R
ODNEY
:
OK.

      A
DULT
:
And if it doesn’t work out so well, we’ll talk again and figure out why and come up with something else.

Remember, any proposals you make in the solution department are just that:
proposals.
If you’re
imposing
solutions, Rodney may refuse to participate. And he certainly won’t learn how to come up with solutions that are mutually satisfactory. The hope is that, after seeing solution-generating modeled over multiple repetitions, Rodney will get the hang of it.

DUELING SOLUTIONS

As you already know, Dueling Solutions is the tendency to get two solutions rather than two concerns on the table in the first two steps of Plan B (to be clear: getting multiple solutions on the table
once you’ve arrived at the Invitation step
is perfectly fine, but only after there are two well-clarified concerns on the table). As mentioned in
Chapter 4
, if two solutions (the kid’s and yours) are all you have on the table after the first two steps of Plan B, you will simply engage in a power struggle where each party is focused only on making sure that their own solution wins out. That’s not Plan B, nor is it going to solve any problems in a mutually satisfactory or durable manner.

Hard as it is to reconcile two concerns, reconciling two solutions is often downright impossible. People may try anyway by meeting halfway (for example, agreeing that a child will work on her spelling words for fifteen minutes as the midpoint between ten minutes—the amount she wanted—and twenty minutes—the amount you wanted). The reality is that meeting halfway will solve only a very small percentage of problems. Addressing two concerns in a realistic and mutually satisfactory manner typically requires much more thought.

STEPS OUT OF ORDER

Plan B doesn’t go very well if you play roulette with the steps. If you start with the Define the Problem step (your concern), the kid’s going to think you’re doing Plan A (because that’s what Plan A starts with). If you start with the Invitation, you have no idea what problem you’re trying to solve because you haven’t yet identified anyone’s concerns. No, Plan B always starts with the Empathy step, continues with the Define the Problem step, and is capped off with the Invitation.

OVERRELIANCE ON EMERGENCY B

Hopefully, you’re convinced that Proactive B is far preferable to Emergency B. Proactive B takes place under planned conditions, so you have time to prepare. Proactive B takes place under calmer, less heated circumstances so the participants are more capable of information-sharing and reasoned discussion. And Proactive B doesn’t take place in front of the entire class, so the participants don’t have the added pressure of being the center of attention and the work of the other kids isn’t being disrupted.

Not that doing Proactive Plan B with the entire class doesn’t have its benefits. There are lots of problems that affect all the kids in a classroom, and these problems are often best resolved by involving all the kids in the process. There are also advantages, especially when you get to the Invitation, to having other kids in the class try to help one of their classmates with a given problem in the context of Plan B. But most people are more comfortable doing Plan B privately before they venture into the full-class variant, which is described in
Chapter 7
.

And yet, having made the case for Proactive B, most adults who are new to Plan B find themselves starting the hard way, with
Emergency
B. Presumably this is because Proactive B requires reflection and advance planning (What unsolved problems are precipitating a kid’s challenging behavior and when should I try to talk with him about one of them?). It’s not that use of Emergency B is a catastrophe, it’s just that you don’t want to make a habit of it. If you’re trying to
solve the same problem every day using Emergency B, you’re actually doing more Plan B than you need to, something called
Perpetual B.
Remember, the goal is to work toward durable solutions—getting the problem solved once and for all—a task much better suited to Proactive B.