Lost for You (12 page)

Dammit, I’m going to text him anyway. I know I said I needed time, but he barged in last night, so theoretically I can change my mind, right?

Elle: Why did you leave before I woke up?

Brax: I didn’t want to crowd you. Just know that you’re still with me, even though I’m not there with you.

I put my phone in my pocket. What do I say to that? I take my coffee and sit down on the couch with my pillow on my side, protecting my ribs, and start watching a movie about a male strip club.

About half-way through the movie, I scoot down onto the pillow and fall asleep. This concentrated breathing thing really wears me out I’ve come to realize.

I wake up, having dreamed of wandering alone through my family home. There was no blood and no murderer there this time. It was like I’d travelled back in time and was doing a walkthrough. Everything was still in the same place as it had been when I’d left for camp. The piano that my mother used to play while my sister and I sang along with her, the desk where my father would sit with me and help me with my homework. Nothing had changed, but it felt different, almost cold. I woke up feeling unsettled.

Then it hits me. What if I’ve pushed Brax away for good? Did seeing me so defeated last night really scare him? I start hyperventilating, the lump in my throat rising up as the panic stifles me. Dammit, this can’t happen to me again. I cried enough tears last night to last a freaking lifetime and then some.

I try to slow my breathing, concentrating on a slow inhale before pausing and doing a slow exhale. It seems to be working. The lump subsides and I feel the tightness in my chest ease. Sitting up on the edge of the couch, and raking my hands through my hair, holding my head down against my knees as I realize I’m in too deep.

I need Brax in my life. I can’t contemplate a future without him in it. He is the sunlight in my perpetual darkness. I’m determined to fight for him and to hell with the consequences. I’m stronger with Brax by my side than I’ll ever be alone.

With nothing else to do other than rest, I start reading through some of my textbooks. I’ve been granted medical consideration, but now that I’m recovering, I need to catch up before finals begin in a month.

My mind starts to wander while I’m in the middle of a chapter about supply and demand. How the hell did Brax keep up with the school work when he wasn’t a real student? It’s hard enough when you’re a bona fide student, let alone when you’re working close protection too. That’s the definition of taking your job seriously. Why didn’t he just introduce himself to me and explain why he was suddenly thrust into my life?

I scoff at that thought because, if I’m honest with myself, I would not have let him in if he had come into my life any other way. I would have noticed him, of course, but I wouldn’t have even given him the time of day. But that doesn’t condone what he’s done; he deceived me.

What I don’t doubt is the depth of his feelings for me. I love him completely, and that is why his deception has hurt me so deeply. I need to get my head on straight before I can see him and talk this through.

About half an hour later, I receive a call from Luis, our doorman, telling me that there is a delivery at the front desk for me. Wary from recent events, I need to make sure it’s not another unwanted gift.

“Do you know what it is, Luis?” I ask suspiciously.

“Yes, ma’am. Mr. James told me what it was when he dropped it off a few moments ago,” he replies straight away.

“Oh.” I’m definitely surprised at that. “Okay, Luis. I’ll be down in a few minutes. Thanks for letting me know.”

“No problem, ma’am,” he adds before hanging up.

After all of the happenings in the past few months, we’d decided it was worthwhile to hire a doorman to watch the building during the day. At night, the doors are locked and require pin code entry. Thankfully, the tenants welcomed the added security.

Grabbing my keys, I lock my door behind me and make my way down the two flights of stairs to the front desk. As I reach the foyer, I see a single white Peruvian lily lying on the desk, wrapped in black paper with a small envelope stapled to the side.

I walk up and collect it from Luis, who has a huge grin on his face.

“This was from Brax?” I’m curious as to whether Brax delivered this himself.

“Yes, ma’am,” he replies politely.

“Thanks, Luis,” I say, almost skipping back up the stairs.

Brax is thinking about me. My dramatic breakdown last night hasn’t scared him off completely. That must be a good sign, surely.

I open the card as soon as I get back in my apartment. The card has a purple butterfly on it. When I open it up, it reads, “To group projects with a beautiful woman”. There is a folded piece of paper included in the card. I unfold it and laugh when I see his receipt from our coffee meeting the first day of class when I first met Brax.

With a huge smile on my face, I put the card down on the counter. I place my beautiful white lily in a single stem vase and sigh at it, willing my head to hurry up and sort out the mess that is swirling inside.

Devon and I leave just before lunch on our cross country drive to Los Angeles. We’re aiming to make it in three or four days, taking turns to drive his truck, and staying overnight at whichever clean motels we can find. We both like country music, so thankfully there are no arguments over whose music we have to listen to. With a soundtrack of Blake Shelton, Toby Keith, Garth Brooks and Brad Paisley, we’re all set.

Although he’s been around for almost a month now, we haven’t really talked about what Devon’s life has been like for the past eight years. We used to hang around the same circles back in the day before I joined the army to straighten myself out. Unfortunately for Devon, he was in too deep with Evans by then, unable to see the wood for the trees.

“So, you totally on the up and up now?” I ask cautiously.

“Yep. Just have my good behavior bond for four more years, but other than that I’m straight as a ruler now,” he replies with a grin.

I grimace before asking my next question. “Talked to your good ol’ dad lately?”

He frowns, his jaw clenching tight, and his knuckles turning white as he tightens his grip on the steering wheel. “I haven’t spoken a word to the guy since he stitched me up.”

“He just left you alone? He’s all about the family, bro. He even kidnapped me to try and get Brax and I to work for him. Sounds a bit suss.” He may be many things, but Michael Evans is not one to let sleeping dogs lie. Or, in this case, an incarcerated son who took the fall for him.

“Not really. He screwed me over, and he’s not dumb. He knows that I want nothing to do with him now. I’m just glad my mother didn’t live to see it.” He can’t hide the sorrow that laces his voice.

We need a change of subject because this conversation is getting way too serious. “I heard about that. She was a great woman. It’s just a shame she got stuck in your father’s life and couldn’t escape until it was too late.”

He clears his throat and shrugs his shoulders, trying to brush it off even though I know it’s a sore point. “I’m at peace with it now. She took the only way out. He would’ve never let her go. She stood by him through all his crap, his affair with Brax’s mother, the scandals, and the investigations, but in the end she couldn’t get over what he did to me.”

“Still sucks,” I say, looking out the window as the world passes by.

“And how about you?” he asks, quirking an eyebrow. “It’s not like your life was easy after-”

I see where he’s going now. “Gonna have to shut you down there, bro. I don’t talk about it.”

He sighs loudly. “If there is one thing I learned inside, Shay, it’s that you have to face the demons to find even the smallest amount of peace in your life.”

Who is this man, and what has it done with the asshole that used to be Devon Michael Evans?

“Yeah. Well, don’t think I’ll ever find peace with that until I’m six feet under.”

“I had an awesome counselor inside. He helped me deal with my mom’s suicide, and with how my father betrayed both of us. The one thing he told me that has stuck with me is a quote from Buddha. ‘
Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without’.”

“Motherfucker. Prison has turned Devon into a believer,” I spit out in shock. Who would have thought that he could go inside and come out three years later a changed man without a chip on his shoulder.

“Ha ha. Smart ass. You’re a funny fuck, you know that? No, I’m not a born again. I just realized that holding onto stuff from your past will tear you apart. It’s the reason I took my mother’s name instead of Evans when I got out.”

I nod in agreement. “I noticed that.”

“It’s not a bad thing to put some distance from that man after what he did,” he murmurs before leaning over and turning the radio up. “Love this song.”

Subject obviously closed.

I can’t bring myself to text Elle again, even though I want to. I know that before I can give her any answers, I need more answers myself.

After Shay and Devon left for LA, I stopped by Elle’s building and dropped off a single white lily with our new doorman. I wish I had the courage to go upstairs and talk to her but right now, but I don’t and I’m not ashamed to admit it. I saw what the truth did to her last night and it crushed me. It felt like my heart had been ripped out of my chest, trampled on, and then thrown against a brick wall. I did that to her. If I’d just trusted my gut feeling from the beginning and told her what was going on, we could’ve avoided this. Hindsight is a wonderful thing, isn’t it?

All night I lay awake next to her, unable to sleep. I couldn’t comprehend how she could still let me take care of her, even though she must think the worst of me right now. The flower I left her this morning is a step towards making all of this up to her. The note was a bit cryptic, but it will all make sense to her in the end. Well, I’m bloody well hoping it does. I’ve been thinking about it all morning; ways to show her how I feel instead of telling her. I need her to want me to come back. I’m not going to force myself back into her life. I did that when I first met her. This time I need to know that she wants me back, even knowing the ugly truth.

In my bid to get answers, I leave a message with Evans’ office asking for him to call me back. Apart from what Shay and Devon may uncover in LA, he’s the only hope I have of finding out more about Brimstone’s plans, especially if they are working together.

A few hours later, I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket. Pulling it out, I see it’s another unknown number. Three guesses who it is.

“Braxton,” he says when I answer.

“Evans, it hasn’t been long enough,” I say spitefully.

“Now, son. Enough of that. What do you need?” he asks, his voice full of concern.

“You must know by now that Elle was shot a few weeks ago, a week after I was duped into leaving town,” I explain.

“Are you serious?” Shit, he actually sounds genuinely shocked. “Gibbons doubled crossed us and pulled me off the job. You saying you had nothing to do with that, or the hit on Elle?” I ask incredulously.

“Not me, son. I may be many things, but I know what that girl means to you. I just can’t tell you how I’m involved just yet,” he says gruffly.

“Well, sorry if I don’t quite believe you. What I do need to know is whether the hit came from Brimstone.”

He pauses for a moment. The silence down the phone dragging on forever. “To be honest, Brax, I don’t know. He’s been throwing options around left right and center, but I didn’t think he’d have the balls to follow through.”

I growl down the phone at him. “And you didn’t think to tell me about all of this?”

“And put me in the firing line? That would be a no,” he replies, nonchalantly.

“Well, why are you involved with Brimstone? You know, the boss says he can’t even work that connection out?”