Lost for You (9 page)

I absentmindedly start stroking my thumb over her knuckles and bite the inside of my cheek as I start to talk. “I don’t know where to start, sweetheart…”

“You know you can tell me anything. Nothing will change the way I feel about you.”

I exhale the breath I was holding. “When I turned up in your class ten months ago, it wasn’t a coincidence,” I start explaining. Looking up at her face, I see her eyes have widened and her hands have tensed up.

“What do you mean?” she asks cautiously. Her voice sounds flat as if she is caught between shock, anger, and confusion.

I grip her hand tightly, not giving her the chance to move it away. “I was hired to get close to you.”

Without warning, she yanks her hand out of mine and wraps her arms around herself as a sob catches in her throat.

“What are you saying? Are you a journalist or something?” she says, her furrowed brow giving away her worry.

“No! I’m not a journalist, but I’m not a student either. I work security and close protection for an organization in Atlanta,” I spit out quickly, knowing that I need to explain everything to her before she closes down and kicks me out of her life for good.

“You’ve been lying to me this whole time?” She lets out a deep, weighted sigh. I know this stress is not helping with her breathing.

“Darlin’, I was bewitched well before I met you, and not once have I ever lied to you about my feelings. My heart started beating the moment you came into my life.”

She looks up at me through tear-filled eyes. Her pain rips through me like a blunt knife.

“It feels like mine just stopped.”

“I need you to go,” I say in a low steady voice that I don’t even recognize. I take another painful breath, trying to appear strong even though my heart feels like it has just been cut through with a knife.

“Now, Brax. I need to be alone for a while. I need you to get away from me!” There is no mistaking the anger and hurt behind my words.

“Sweetheart-”

“I don’t think I can be around you right now. You’ve just thrown my whole world into chaos, even more that it already was. Everything I believed, everything I have relied upon in the past year, has just been thrown out the window. I need you to give me space to deal with this. If you have ever cared for me at all, if you’ve ever been true with me, you will go. Now!” I look at him through my tears, spitting out the last word like venom.

The look on his face devastates me. I know there is more to the story, and I know that there’s a hell of a lot more explaining to do, but right now I can’t stand the sight of him. He made me feel again, but now it feels as if he’s the one who has shot through me. The pain is worse than before. It’s as if I’ve lost him all over again, even though he’s still standing in the bedroom across from me.

“I’m gonna go crash at Shay’s. He’ll be outside if you need him.” He sounds defeated, almost broken.

Part of me is glad he feels that way. How dare he lie to me for all this time? I’ve let him in, opened my heart and my life to him. I’ve told him all my secrets, let him know about my past, bared my soul to him over and over again, and for what? Because he was being paid to protect me? Protect me from who exactly?

Obviously that worked out well, considering a stranger tried to kill me a month ago.

He stands in the doorway with his back to me, then turns his head around, his eyes glassed over.

“Don’t write me off, sweetheart. Don’t give up on us. Please, don’t decide anything until you hear the full story. When you’re ready to hear it, I’ll be here.”

“I need time, Brax. I need to get my head around this. You’ve just told me that everything I’ve believed in for the past ten months has been a lie,” I reply, my voice finally cracking.

He lets out a slow sigh, lifting his head again to look at me with a heart piercing stare, almost enough to make me crack and beg him to stay.

“I never once lied about loving you, darlin’. Every single touch, every kiss, every time we made love, it was real. You were my everything the moment I walked into that room.”

I gasp at the sincerity of his words. I fight every ounce of my being to call him back, to tell him I don’t care about any of it as long as he truly loves me. But I stop myself. I need time to digest what he’s just told me.

“Just give me time, Brax,” I whisper as he walks out of our bedroom.

I rack my brain, wondering how on earth to deal with this. I have no one except Brax and Shay. They have been the closest thing I’ve had to family in the past four years, and now I don’t know if I can even trust them.

Pulling myself back down the bed, I lie on my side, curling my body around itself and waiting for the dam to break. As I feel the stinging tears start to fall, I know I’ve cracked. It’s been a long time since I’ve cried; a long time since I’ve let myself feel anything worth crying over.

And of all the people in the world, I never thought it would be Brax who would break me again.

My sobs consume me, eventually subsiding into a feeling of dread, a feeling of loss. Do I want to hear what he still says he needs to tell me? Better yet, can I handle what he needs to tell me?

I close my eyes, breathing deeply like my therapist instructed me. Sleep eventually comes over me in a crashing wave. I cling to the hope that all of my hurt and doubt will wash away. Though, I don’t think it is going to be that easy.

I’m in the hospital room.

The room is silent except for the sound of my heart monitor and the constant drip of my IV.

It’s dark. The green line of my heartbeat is the only thing breaking through the darkness. My eyes open, blurry at first, barely able to make out the outline of a shadow in the doorway.

My breathing quickens, and soon I’m gasping for air.

I bring my hands up to shield my eyes, but soon the shadow advances on me, stopping at the end of the bed. I’m wheezing now, barely able to take in enough air to keep breathing.

The shadow’s arms lift up and point to me. I try screaming, but I can’t make a sound. It’s then I know that he’s come back for me.

He wants to finish the job he started. He wants me to join my family.

“Elle,” he says in a quiet, gravelly voice, still enough to cut through the silence.

“Elle,” he repeats. “It’s our time.” He shrieks, a strange high pitched scream just as an explosion ricochets through me.

I sit straight up in the bed. Disorientated, it takes me a few minutes to realize that I’m okay. I’m not in the hospital anymore; I’m at home. Reaching around in the bed beside me, I try to find the comfort that I remember isn’t with me tonight.

I’m drenched in sweat, clammy to the touch and breathing way too fast. It was another nightmare, a dream that felt so real I could have sworn the man was standing right in front of me. I grab my phone off the bedside table. I can’t do this anymore; I need Brax more than I need the truth.

I stop myself before I connect the call. I can’t have him right now. I can’t call him and ask him to come soothe me after what he told me; after I sent him away.

Right now, I may not have the willpower to stay away from him, but I have the forethought to know that I can’t just forgive and forget.

Elle: Shay, Can you come sleep on the couch? I can’t be alone tonight.

Shay: Sure thing, babe. Open the door in five minutes.

Elle: Did you know?

Shay: Yeah, hon.

Elle: Figures.

Shay may not be the man I want, but right now he’s the closest thing to security I have. Knowing I’m not alone in the apartment tonight might keep the demons at bay. God help me, it better.

Shay: Dude, Elle just texted me asking me to go sleep on her couch. Says she can’t be alone.

Brax: Fuck! I should’ve kept my fucking mouth shut.

Shay: Bro, it was eating you up inside.

Brax: Doesn’t help her now, does it?

Shay: I think you should go to her.

Brax: She told me to stay away.

Shay: That was before. She says she can’t be alone right now.

Brax: I have to wait until she is ready. I don’t want to fuck this up.

Shay: Okay, I’ll go, but you need to come take over from me outside.

God, I hope I’m doing the right thing. Elle doesn’t need me sleeping on her couch; she needs Brax, the man who loves her more than life itself. She needs the security that I know only Brax can give her. Maybe sooner, rather than later, she’ll realize that she needs him now more than ever. Dammit, why did he have to be so damn honorable?

As soon as Brax arrives, I punch him in the stomach, not holding anything back. I’m pissed off at him for doing this, even though I was a major part of it.

“Ow! What was that for, bro?” he splutters, bending over as he tries to recover from the blow.

“Why the fuck did you decide to tell her now? Her first fucking night home from the hospital!” I ask, unable to hide my anger.

“I had to. I couldn’t keep it in any more. She didn’t let me tell her everything, so right now all she knows is that I lied to her and that I was hired to protect her. You need to get her to see me so that I can tell her the rest. She needs to know.”

“Well right now, it’s me that has to go upstairs and calm your girlfriend down because something has scared the shit out of her” I explain, grabbing my jacket from the back seat before handing the keys over to him.

“It’ll be a nightmare,” Brax says deadpan.

“She needs time. If there is one thing I do know, it is that she loves you to death. You two are intrinsically linked. It will sort itself out Brax, I promise.”

“I hope you’re right. Tell her I love her, please?” he says sadly.

I sigh. “Will do, man. Now get in the car and keep an eye out.”

Brax stops in front of the car door. “Oh, yeah. Forgot to tell you. Before all of this happened, she remembered something.”

“What?” I ask.

“She saw the blond guy in the black Honda the day she was shot. First at the grocery store, then again outside campus.”