Lost In Rewind (Audio Fools #3) (29 page)

I glance outside at the heavy rain accompanied by an ominous thick, dark fog that has suddenly engulfed the city. The steady sound of water coming from the sky silences my mind. I look down at my phone, still clutched tight in my hand, and scroll to Kali’s selfie. I have my finger on the delete button, but I can’t bring myself to erase her face from my phone or my mind. I decide to keep her forever immortalized behind the glass screen to safely torture myself.

It’s time to bury my life in work and my kids, and help Sara get back the life she deserves. I will no longer be a selfish prick creating heartache with false promises. Jacky, Sara, and now Kali have helped me grow up and accept my actions and their consequences.

M
y kids are ecstatic they get to meet and play with Emily and Louis’ children tonight. It’s one of our first family outings since Jacky passed away. We have a constant swarm of friends and family come visit us, but this is the first time in over six months that we’re physically going somewhere.

The Bruels live within walking distance to our house, and since the rain from this afternoon has stopped, I’ve decided to walk rather than drive to their home.

I knock on the door using the big-ass knocker that looks as if it were stolen from Versailles, and knowing a thing or two about Louis Bruel, I don’t doubt that at all. I haven’t cracked a smile all day, and this stupid doorknocker makes me and the kids giggle like a bunch of maniacs.

Emily opens the door with a small blond boy at her side. He looks like Louis’ carbon copy with the bluest eyes I’ve ever seen. He looks a bit younger than my kids, but that doesn’t stop Juliet from walking in and taking his hand, leading the way like the boss that she is.
She’s my little Sara to a T.
Emily and I smile as I lift Jacob, who’s more reserved than his no-nonsense sister, and walk in. Emily’s older daughter approaches and introduces herself as Rose. She’s stunning, just like her mother.

Jacob goes off with Rose, giving me one last look, to go see a promised playroom as I’m left standing in the middle of Sara’s best friend’s foyer. I feel like an intruder, an imposter, as if I got lost in someone else’s story. Maybe this wasn’t a good idea. I hope that Emily inviting me over doesn’t make Sara even more upset with me. She hasn’t answered any of my calls or texts. William said she’s not ready to talk to me—I don’t blame her. I get all my information either from Emily or Eddie, but I long to talk to her and make sure she knows how sorry I am. She needs to know that her children will always be here waiting for her, if she ever wants to be a physical part of their lives. I will never stand in her way of knowing her babies.

“Don’t worry about the kids—they’ll be fine. There are plenty of babysitters downstairs watching over them.” Emily tries to put me at ease, but I feel wrong about being here.

I lie and say, “Not worried at all. Thank you for inviting us. It’s nice for the kids to get out, and I know Sara would be pleased to have her kids meet yours.” I recall Sara’s excitement years ago at Louis and Emily starting a family, no doubt hoping to one day have a family of her own.

Emily leads us toward her living room, and busies herself making me a drink by the corner drink cart. Moments later, she hands me a glass full of amber liquid.

“Did Sara ever tell you how we became friends?” she inquires without taking her eyes off me.

“I recall her mentioning that your mothers went to school together.”

She giggles, nodding her head. “Yes, our mothers are college friends, but Sara and I didn’t really like each other when we were little. I was shy and Sara, well, Sara was never shy about anything. I suspect she didn’t like being my friend because she constantly ended up punished when our mothers forced us to play together. I desperately wanted Sara to like me. I used to go to all her ballet recitals, but she was too cool to hang out with me. My mom always used to say that Sara would come around, that kids are mean, sometimes unintentionally, but that she was sure Sara loved me.”

I listen to every word coming out of Emily’s mouth as if a holy sermon; after all, she is one of the only links I have left to Sara.

“Everything changed once we got into sixth grade. I entered a silly talent show and chose to sing ‘
Wind Beneath My Wings
’ by Bette Midler. My parents couldn’t come to the actual show, they had an out of town medical lecture that my mom was giving, so Sara’s folks were supposed to come and support me instead. Sara’s parents never showed up, but Sara still came by herself. She found me after the embarrassing performance and I can’t remember being away from her from that point on. We were inseparable. She slept over at my house almost every weekend. We even invented our own ‘80s language to make sure nobody understood us. I thought I knew everything about her. I mean, I never believed half the things she said she did without me, but I was her best friend, and it was my job to listen. She shaped my life and taught me everything I know about friendship, boys, love, and sex.” Emily snorts out a giggle. “I’ve done nothing for her. I just want to be a better friend. I owe her that.”

I nod, happy at the prospect of Emily Bruel, public enemy number one, welcoming me into her home and sharing a part of Sara with me.

“Sara’s here,” Emily announces to me. Her words aren’t making sense, as if far-fetched.

“Where?” I look around. The house seems empty. I haven’t even seen Louis.

“She’s downstairs in the playroom with the kids. She wanted to meet them and introduce herself to her children without you. She’s not strong enough to see you and them together, not yet. But I think her finally meeting them will help her heal and get better.”

I’m now standing with my back toward Emily, not wanting her to see my tears fall.

“Jeff, I hope you’re not mad at me. She’s been talking about them and missing them. She just wanted to meet them.”

She doesn’t need to explain herself for Sara wanting to see Juliet and Jacob to me. “I’m not mad, I’m happy. Jacqueline told the kids about their guardian angel named Sara, and they’ve been asking me to go find her ever since.” I wipe the tears now fully running down my cheeks with the back of my hand and turn to face Emily.

She takes a TV remote and punches in a code. A huge oil painting above the fireplace disappears and is replaced with a big screen with a live camera feed of what appears to be the Bruel playroom. I instantly spot Sara sitting on the floor surrounded by pillows, talking to Juliet and fixing her hair.

Emily turns the volume up, walks over to me, and hands me the remote. She whispers, “Thank you for saving her life.” Then she walks out of the room, leaving me spellbound as I watch and listen to the scene I’ve imagined and dreamt about for eight years. It’s my Sara, who’s not mine anymore, meeting her children for the first time.

“
Like A Prayer
” by Madonna

I
walk into the bar and without Lauren or any of the staff members noticing me, I run upstairs, painfully clutching the key in my hand. I don’t know who I’m trying to hide from. I own this place and have every right to be in Joella’s private rooms just as much as Joella herself. I’m in a hyperaware state of anxiety, noticing things around me that I’ve never before registered, as the desire to feel close to someone without having to explain what’s happening inside my mind suffocates me.

It’s early in the day and the bar is still quiet. I look around to make sure I’m the only one upstairs as I draw the black curtains at the top of the staircase. I insert the old key Jeff left under my pillow and open the hidden door that only a handful of people know about, one of those people being the complex man I can’t remove from my thoughts.

My decision to not call him back after my phone died was one of the hardest choices I’ve ever had to make, but I require time to digest and try to make sense of the things I now know, since logic and reason haven’t been on my team ever since I met him. How can a perfect stranger make me feel everything all at once? He was married for fourteen years, he has children with his wife, who died of cancer, and I now know that his friend’s sister played a damaging role in his life. But everything I’ve collected and learned about him makes no difference. He was right, nothing makes sense and I can’t help him. Joella’s reading means very little to me and I still don’t know this other girl’s name or what exactly happened between them once he got married. Did he use Joella’s words as a crutch to justify his actions? And who’s to say that my grand-mère’s prophecy won’t still happen? Why does he harbor such anger toward Joella if his life is not yet over?

He and Eddie’s little sister may still have a future, if perhaps she’s the girl with the biblical name Joella saw in his future—unless, of course, something happened to her, too. The thought of him with this nameless girl stings more than I care to admit, but it shouldn’t, because he’s not mine. I have no answers for him, I can’t help him interpret my grand-mère’s words, and therefore it only makes sense I stay away and let his life fall back into place. I was certain that once I heard the fortune, I’d know exactly why Joella chose him, but I’m just as much lost about their interaction as he is.

I slip the warm key, that hasn’t left my hand, into the door and say a silent prayer before I enter my portal. As soon as I cross the threshold of the hidden apartment my grand-mère and my maman once called home, the scent of roses seeps in and neutralizes every part of me. The sweet familiar scent regenerates and clears my mind as if by magic. The last time I was here, I had Jeff with me, but it’s time for me to face my ghosts on my own. I will get through this, with or without him.

I pass the room with the circular table at its center and carefully open the door leading to Joella’s private apartment. It feels as if I’m walking into a museum or a frozen time capsule. It’s the first time I’m here alone and I better not faint, because no one will catch me or find me this time. The dark living room reminds me of my tiny dollhouses my papa and I built back in Cassis. There isn’t a centimeter of wall space that isn’t covered in my maman’s pictures, who is still the most exquisite creature in the world. I pass by a mirror hanging between the hundreds of photographs, and when I catch my refection, I see what everybody else sees—my maman staring back at me. If I stand still, my reflection looks to be another one of her old photos hanging. Her eyes in every frame follow me, comfort me, as I walk around the room taking each morsel of the past in. A delicate, see-through, glass armoire on the far left side of the room stands full of vibrant colorful scarves. I can’t contain myself; they call to me. I pry open the rusted glass doors and choose a green and brown floral wool shawl to cover my body and soothe my soul.

The fact that I’ll need to go through all of Joella’s belongings before selling this building cripples me. I don’t want to be alone and I don’t want to feel alone anymore, and this place reminds me of just how alone I really am. I don’t regret coming here and spending time with the matriarch and last relative left to my maman, but now that she’s gone too, I need to find a place that feels like home. The man with two colored eyes felt like home. It was only one night, but he still tasted like home should. I sigh, he is home; it’s just that in this case, he’s someone else’s home.