Lost in You (25 page)

After stopping at my apartment to shower and change, I pull into my childhood home. I was hoping Alex would be here, but she’s with her mom. I know if I called and told her what I had done, she’d be waiting, but I can’t do that to her right now. Her mom needs her. The drive to my parent’s house happens in a blur. I can’t stop crying. I want to crawl up into a ball and bury myself under the blanket of misery that I’ve created.

I walk into the house, expecting it to be empty. My dad, dressed in jeans and a t-shirt, is sitting on the couch. He’s waiting for me. His hands are folded and resti
ng in his lap and he’s looking out of the window. It’s the way he used to sit each time I’d leave for a date or for a show, always worried.

I set down my keys on the small table just inside the front door. “Is Mom home?” I ask, breaking the silence.

“No, sweetie, it’s just us.” His eyes are kind when he looks at me. He stands, opening his arms. I can’t move fast enough. I collapse into his arms as he holds me tight in his embrace. I don’t care how bad I’ve screwed up; a girl always needs her daddy and I’m so thankful for mine.

He rubs my back, shushing my sobs. “It’s going to be okay.”

I shake my head. “No, it’s not. I messed up so bad, Daddy.”

“Everything will be fine. Come on. I’ll make you some lunch and we’ll talk.” He wraps his arm around my shoulder,
guiding us into the kitchen. He pulls out the stool for me, just like he does for my mom, and waits until I’m seated before walking around to the other side. I watch as he looks through the cupboards and refrigerator searching for something to make. I can’t help but smile when he pulls out the makings for tomato soup and grilled cheese sandwiches.

I like watching my dad cook. While I was growing up, he would cook once a week. Mom and I would get pampered and served dinner. He’d set the table with candles an
d flowers and it didn’t matter what he served, Mom always said it was the best meal she’d ever had. That’s what I see when I look at Ryan – a lifetime of memories waiting to be discovered.

When I close my eyes and think about him, I see him walking around
our kitchen, the morning sun shining through the window. He’s in boxers and a white undershirt standing at the stove, cooking. If I let my imagination wander, I see a little girl running and attaching herself to his leg. I stand off to the side and watch. That vision will never happen, especially after what I’ve just done. He’ll never forgive me. I won’t ever forgive myself.

Dad sets a bowl of soup in front of me and a plate of quarter-cut sandwiches in between us. He hasn’t cut my sandwiches since I was
ten years old, a time when everything in life was so simple and my one dream was to become a singer. Now my dreams are a pile of nothing because the one person I thought I could share them with, isn’t here and it’s my fault. Even if I apologized I don’t expect him to forgive me. I did the one thing I asked him not to do: I broke his heart. I could see it on his face when he called out my name. It pained me to not smile at him, to hold back from running into his arms.

“Ian called,” he says this in a tone th
at would suggest Ian calling is an everyday occurrence and it may have been at one time, back when he was trying to sell my brand, but I can’t imagine he keeps my parents up to date on me. That’s my job and recently I’ve been failing.

“I figured.” I take a
deep sigh, turn and look at my dad. “I fell in love and made some terribly wrong decisions.”

“You’ve been in love before.”

I shake my head. “Not like this. With Cole, I think I loved him because he was there and we had spent so much time together. Our love grew that way, but with Ryan…” I pause and smile at that sound of his name coming off my lips. “With Ryan, it was instant, like a bolt of lightning passed from him to me.”

“So what’s the problem?”

I look at my dad in questioningly, furrowing my brow. “Ian didn’t tell you?”

Dad sets his spoon down, picking up his napkin and wiping his mouth. “He said that you’ve gotten yourself into a bit of trouble with a guy and that you were coming home and that he’d be here tomorrow. Being in love isn’t trouble if you
ask me.”

“I am in love, but it’s wrong.”

“Love is never wrong, Hadley.” He says this with such confidence I almost believe him.

He picks up his spoon just as I blurt out: “It is when he’s only seventeen.”

He looks at me and tomato soup drips down his chin. I grab my napkin and wipe it away. He sets his spoon down again and turns. “Seventeen?”

I nod.

“Why?”

Shrugging like a child would be the easiest answer to give, but I’m not going to discount what I feel for Ryan. That wouldn’t be fair to him. “I know i
t deep in my heart that he’s the one for me, regardless of his age. When I first saw him, Dad, I knew. It was later that night that I found out his age and by then I was so lost in him that I couldn’t see straight.”

“Hadley –”

“No, let me finish. I want to get this all out there so you know why I’m here and why Ian is coming. We met at a show. His friend won a contest and she brought him. I had Alex talk to him and then I had an after-party so I could spend time with him. We spent all night talking and I fell asleep in his arms. When the sun woke us up, he kissed me. It was his first kiss and for me, it felt like I had never been kissed before. I asked him to the charity ball and he came. I went to church with him, I met his mom and everything felt so good.”

“I hate asking this because I know you’re an adult, but did you have sex with him?”

“No, I wouldn’t, but when Ian invited Cole on this tour, things changed for us. Ryan became jealous, not that I could blame him, and we were fighting, so I went to see him, to tell him how I feel. I wanted to be with him so bad. We were in my rental and I was pushing for it, but he stopped me. We were about to go to his house when the cops showed up.

“His dad had reported him as a runaway and I was arrested for harboring hi
m. We weren’t running anywhere, but the officer didn’t believe us and now… I did the worst thing I could’ve ever done to protect him from my crazy world.”

“What’s that?”

“I made him sign a no-contact order until he turns eighteen, which is just a few weeks away, but the worst part is I shut off his phone. I was paying for his cell phone because his parents won’t allow him to have one and I
needed
to talk to him.” I cover my face and break down. When I say it out loud it makes me realize I chased this boy. I gave him no option but to fall for me. “I’m so stupid.”

Dad wraps his arms around me. “Come sit down, let’s talk.” I follow him back to the living room and sit next to him on the couch. I pull my leg underneath me and
he mimics my position. It’s funny, my dad with his salt and pepper hair sitting just like me. “Sounds like love got the best of you and that’s okay. Sometimes you feel so much that common sense goes out the window. The important thing moving forward is that you’re making the best decisions. Everyone has an error in judgment every now and again. You just happen to live in the limelight so when you, or someone like you, does it, the consequences are greater.”

“What do you mean?”

“Not that I’m condoning what you did, but I think in a normal setting dating someone a bit younger isn’t frowned upon. It may not be ideal, but definitely not a bad thing. Love doesn’t know age.”

“I’m not good for him,” I say, choking on my words. I wipe away my tears and cover my face
.

“I find that hard to believe. I know you better than anyone, except maybe your mom and Alex, and I know you’re a good person.” My dad pulls my hand into his. “Tell me about the no-contact order.”

I shake my head, biting my lip. “They were going to charge him with assaulting an officer and the lawyer Ian sent suggested it. I didn’t want to, but after thinking about it and realizing that Ryan’s changed who he is to be with me... It wasn’t right. I wasn’t right for him. The changes he was making weren’t for the better and I didn’t want to see him become someone he hates because of me. But I love him so much and it hurts.”

Dad pulls me into his arms. “You know your mom always says if you love something, set it free. If he comes back, he's yours.”

“And if he doesn’t, he never was.”

“I’m sure he’ll forgive you.”

“No, he won’t. I broke his heart.”

I rest my head on my dad’s chest and let him comfort me. If Ian thought that my dad was going to yell and scream at me, he’s sadly mistaken. Ian doesn’t have to worry
because I’m doing that enough for myself. My last vision of Ryan is enough punishment to last me a lifetime and that’s what I’ll have, because there’s no way Ryan and I will ever cross paths again.

I made sure of that.

Ryan

I can’t believ
e she walked away from me. I need an explanation. What did I do? I look around. Everyone in the police station is staring. Are they feeling pity? Are they thankful that Hadley Carter is gone and out of their sleepy town?

I could make a run for it, make it
back to her car before she does and demand that she take me with her. Beg her to rip up that stupid piece of paper and tell those lawyers to get the hell away from us. We can run, leave Brookfield and never come back. I’m only a few weeks from turning eighteen; surely no one will care. Everything that has happened between us has been because we’re in love, nothing less. She didn’t force herself on me. I welcomed her.

His strong and domineering voice shakes me from my reverie. I turn and look, wishing I ha
dn’t. His face tells me everything that I need to know. He’s going to make me wish I were spending the night in jail. My dad pushes me toward the door. I try to resist. I try to keep my feet grounded but it’s no use. I look at the desk clerk and wonder if she knows what’s going to happen when I walk out this door. Do they know what kind of man my father is? Right now, even I don’t know, but after seeing him in that room, I have an unhealthy fear of him.

He’s too calm as we drive home. He’s even singing to
himself. I can’t hear what he’s singing about, but it seems to keep him happy. I’m tempted to reach over and turn on the radio in his truck, wondering if it even works. I know that turning it on would piss him off. Maybe I should rock the boat while I’m already in for it when I get home. I want to hear music, is that so wrong? I want to hear her voice. I want to be a normal teenager.

My mom is standing in the window when we pull up. She disappears quickly, not opening the door or waiting for us. The enigma
that is my parents is really starting to freak me out. I don’t know if it was Hadley who opened my eyes or what, but the way my mom acts is weird and my dad... I never want to be like him.

I try to beat my dad into the house. I want to make it to my room
where I feel the safest. He grabs me by the back of the sweatshirt and heaves me across the living room and onto the couch. I hear a pan drop in the kitchen and wonder if she’s watching or whether she’s nervous. Does she know what he’s capable of?

I try to
move, but he’s on me before I’m able to defend myself. He presses his knee into my stomach, his other hand clamping down on my throat. I’ve never seen this side of him. The look in eyes is menacing. Deadly.

I try to remove his hand off my throat, but he
tightens his grip. I push his face, extending my arm as far as I can. I stretch enough to get him off of me and allow my leg to move and help alleviate some of the pressure on my stomach. His hand slips from my neck, causing him to collapse on top of me. We both grunt from the pressure.

I take a deep breath and choke. The burning in my lungs is making breathing difficult. If I don’t move, he’s going to kill me. I kick and scramble as he
tries to pin down my arms. I never knew how strong he was until now. He pushes down on my face, cutting off my air. I gasp and slap at his face, my legs working to get him off of me. Where the hell is my mother?

“If you ever disgrace my name again, I’ll e
nd you.” I know he’s telling the truth. The tone of his voice is enough to drive the point home. His knee grinds into my stomach with such force I feel like I’m going to throw up. It’s now or never. I can’t stay like this or he will kill me.

I raise my kne
e hard, not once, but twice. He jerks forward, losing his hold on my throat. I cough hard and move away quickly. I look at him, withering on the floor. He’s bent in half, holding himself.

“Ryan?”

I look sharply at my mom. She’s standing there, with a dishrag dangling from her hands, tears streaming down her face. She’s shaking her head, her lower lip trembling. “Dylan’s outside. You should go,” her voice cracks.

“Mom?”

“Go, Ryan. Please go before he hurts you even more.”

I try to speak, but nothing comes
out. I nod and run down the hall to my room. My door is already open, my room torn apart. I grab a few pieces of clothing, my phone, money and backpack. I don’t know if I’m coming back here, but I’m hoping to never see his face again. I don’t stop to look at the scene in the living room or even say goodbye to my mother. She allowed this to happen. She allowed him to put his hands on me.