Lost World (13 page)

Angus grins. “We got us a clean building with lots of open space!”

No one really acts excited about it, but we all move inside anyway. It’s better than being out in the cold, but when I step in it isn’t that much warmer. I exhale, and steam rises up in front of me again. Damn. We have to find someplace warmer.

Maybe coming north was a bad idea after all.

Once I’m in the main part of the building, I’m able to really appreciate what a good hiding place this is. The walls are thick and solid, and even though there aren’t any chairs and the floor is hard, there’s plenty of space to spread out. There’s nothing in here any passing survivors would want to break in to get, and the door is solid steel. We’ll be safe here for a while.

“We got that map?” Axl calls.

Angus nods and jogs over to his brother, holding the map in his hand. They spread it out across the floor, and I go over to see what the plan is. Parvarti and Winston head over too, but everyone else seems to be getting settled. They’re exhausted, so I can’t blame them. We’ve been up all night.

“This here,” Parvarti says, pointing to the map. “It’s a small college town, probably had a good-size population. There are lots of stores and gas stations. A Wal-Mart and Target. Even a little strip mall. We were hoping to avoid it because there’s no way it won’t be overrun, but we’ve had no luck with the smaller towns, and it’s the next closest place.”

Axl nods slowly as his eyes sweep over the map. “It’s gotta be thirty miles from here.”

“We have to find a car,” I say.

Parvarti snorts and rolls her eyes. “Good luck. Nothing in town was gassed up, and the station at the end of the street had a sign in the window saying they were out of gas. Probably ran out before the virus even made it this far.”

“On foot it’s gonna take a good ten hours to get there,” Angus says.

“We could find somethin’ on the way.” Axl trails his finger across the map. “There’s gotta be houses.”

Parvarti sits back and looks the group over. “So who’s going with me?”

“We’ll go,” I say, speaking up for both me and Axl.

Angus clears his throat and stands up. “I ain’t stayin’ here.”

“Four of you should be good.” Winston gets to his feet as well, then glances toward the rest of the group. “We shouldn’t divide ourselves too much.”

Axl stands and stretches. There are dark circles under his eyes, reminding me we haven’t slept all night. It’s going to be a rough trip.

“Yeah. We’ll be good,” he says. “More than that would be too tough anyways. This way we don’t gotta find a big car. Somethin’ small will work just fine.”

“When do you want to go?” I ask.

Axl grabs his pack and dumps it out, searching through the contents littered across the floor. “No time to waste.”

“Let’s get our shit together,” Angus says, heading over to where Darla stands. She looks as exhausted as I feel.

I follow Axl’s lead, dumping my pack on the floor so I can go through it. We’re going to need some water, but not as much as I have stuffed in here. I want to get some food and more ammo, maybe even some first aid supplies. Just in case.

When I look up, I catch sight of Angus and Darla making out at the back of the post office. They’re hidden from most people, but I’m lucky enough to be sitting in the ideal spot to get the full view. Yay for me.

I wonder why Darla didn’t volunteer to go. My stomach twists, and I close my eyes. Shit. Does that mean that test belongs to her? It would explain why she’s suddenly feeling so maternal. Why she keeps wanting us to put the past aside…

Darla doesn’t have the best track record when it comes to being a mom, and if this test really is hers, I want to make sure she’s taking care of herself. We have prenatal vitamins for Sophia already, and if we need to get more that’s something we should know. Plus, Darla will need a bigger food ration. She may not be thinking ahead about all this, but I am.

I can’t stop thinking about it as I get my stuff packed up, so the second I’m done, I head toward the two lovebirds. They’re still going at it, and even though it grosses me out, I do my best not to look disgusted when I clear my throat.

Angus detaches himself from my mom and glares my way. “What’s the deal, Blondie? You ain’t gettin’ any so you don’t think anybody else should either?”

“I’m getting plenty, Angus. Don’t you worry about me.” I focus on Darla so he’ll get the point and leave. If she hasn’t told him yet, I’m not going to be the one to spill the beans. “I need to talk to you.”

Angus grumbles but says, “I’ll leave you two alone so you can gab. I gotta get my shit together anyways.”

He heads off, but Darla doesn’t watch him go. Her brown eyes are on me. “What’s on your mind?”

“Are you pregnant?”

She lets out a half laugh, half snort. “Don’t beat around the bush or nothing.”

“I’m serious.” I look over my shoulder to make sure no one is watching us, then turn back to face her. “I found a pregnancy test in the tent you and Angus were sleeping in.”

“I ain’t the only one getting laid. You know that, right?”

“I know, but you’re the one with a history of neglecting your responsibilities.”

Her face hardens, and her mouth scrunches up, making her look like she took a bite of something bitter. “Guess you decided not to let all that shit go.”

“I want to know, Darla. If you are, things need to be done.”

She flicks her blonde hair over her shoulder, then crosses her arms. This time, she doesn’t look directly at me. “You can rest easy. We’re being careful. Taking precautions.”

“Condoms aren’t a hundred percent effective and you know it.”

“Well, there are other ways to be sure, if you’re getting my drift. I’d spell it out for you, but I doubt you can handle all the dirty details.”

My stomach rolls. Gross.

I hold my hand up before she decides to tell me. I wouldn’t put it past her to throw all the details out there just to piss me off. “I don’t need you to describe it for me. I’ll take your word for it.”

“Good. That test ain’t mine.”

She stomps off, and I’m left staring at the wall. The little progress I made with my mom is gone, but that isn’t even the worst part of it all. The test didn’t belong to Lila, Parvarti, or Darla, which only leaves one person. Hadley. I close my eyes and let out a deep breath, hoping it will ease the pressure in my chest. It doesn’t.

All I can think about is that chubby bald asshole from Vegas.

Is it his? It could be Jon’s. They started sleeping together right after we got back to the shelter. There was a two-day gap at most. There’s really no way to know for sure, though. I can’t even imagine what Hadley’s going through right now.

“Vivian!” Axl calls. “Let’s go!”

I pull my pack up higher on my back and head after the others, ignoring the glare from Darla when I head by her.

10

WHEN I OPEN MY EYES THE sun is just coming up, sending little rays of light shooting through the windows. With no electricity to run the heat, the air in the house feels like it’s reached arctic temperatures. At least the bed is warm and I slept relatively well. If it were up to me, I’d stay snuggled up in these blankets for another six hours. But I need some privacy, and Jon is still out cold.

I roll out of bed and shiver when my feet hit the floor. It’s colder in here than I thought it was. There weren’t a lot of options when we started looking for a place to sleep, though. We left that town behind and started walking, hoping to find a car. We found shit, of course. After two hours, we were too exhausted to go on. This place was the first thing we came to. It’s just a shack, really.

I slip my feet into my boots and tiptoe out of the room, scooping my backpack up on the way by. The test I took from the pharmacy is shoved in the bottom. I didn’t want Jon to see it. Not until I knew what was going on. Even then, I’m not sure. I took one from the first town we went to but never got around to using it. It’s hard as hell to find some alone time these days. If you even suggest going off by yourself, everyone freaks out. What little bit of time I did manage to get to myself was interrupted by Axl before I could take the test.

Then I decided to go ahead and make a total ass of myself.

The back door creaks when I push it open, but I don’t even pause before stepping outside. It’s cold as balls. There’s frost on everything, and it sparkles in the early morning sun. It’d be pretty if everything wasn’t so screwed up.

I drop my pants just outside the door and pull the test out. It’s not the first pregnancy test I’ve taken, so I don’t have to read the instructions. I had a scare back in high school when I was only seventeen. Crazy thing is, I’m less equipped to deal with it now than I was then. Shit. Back then I had my parents who would have supported me, and friends. Even the dumbass baby daddy would have been better than what I have now. Jon, who means well but annoys the hell out of me, and the memories of a rapist whose head I blew off.

It’s like a fairy tale.

My hand shakes as I hold the test between my legs and pee. My stomach has been uneasy for days, so that’s nothing new really, but right now it has more to do with anxiety than anything else. I was pretty sure I had a bug at first. We’ve been cold and eating like shit and not getting enough sleep. It would have made sense. Plus, there was always the possibility I drank some water that hadn’t been boiled long enough. But it didn’t get better. Then I skipped my period, and I knew I was in deep shit.

When I’m done peeing, I stick the cap back on the test and pull my pants up. But I don’t make a move to go back inside. I’m shivering and it’s so cold my nose has started to run, but I can’t go anywhere until the test tells me what I want to know.

Moisture spreads across the little window on the stick, and the blue control line pop up. I hold my breath and count while I wait to see if the other one will show up. The box says it could take a few minutes, but it doesn’t. Less than ten seconds later, a second blue line slowly appears in the window. It’s lighter than the first one, but there’s no missing it.

The test is positive.

My arm falls to my side and the test drops from my hand and my legs wobble and all the air leaves my lungs. I can’t move. Think. React. I collapse on the ground. Try to catch my breath, gasping like a fish out of water.

I. Can’t. Breathe.

I’m still sitting on the ground when Jon walks out. My ass has turned to ice and my whole body is shaking. A steady stream of snot flows from my nose, but I’m in such a daze I can’t even wipe it away.

His green eyes get huge when he sees me sitting on the icy ground. “Hadley?”

He scrambles toward me, pulling me to my feet and wrapping his arms around me. Then he drags me inside. It isn’t much warmer in the house.

Jon forces me to sit on the filthy couch in the living room, then drapes a blanket over my shoulders. “What’s wrong? Are you sick?”

I look up, but I can’t concentrate on his face. It takes a few seconds and about a dozen blinks for his eyes to focus, and even then I don’t really feel like I’m seeing him. None of this feels real.

“I’m f-fine.” A shiver shakes my entire body, and my teeth chatter together.

“Stay here. I’m going to find you some clean clothes.” He gets up and heads to the back of the house, calling over his shoulder, “There has to be something around here that will work.”

It isn’t until he walks out of the room that I realize I left the test outside. It was lying next to me when Jon came out. God, I hope he didn’t see it.

He comes back a few minutes later, and by then my ass has started to feel numb from the cold. The tips of my fingers too.

“You’re shivering,” he says, kneeling down in front of me and rubbing my hands between his. “We need to get you into some dry clothes.”

I nod and let him help me stand. He kneels down to untie my shoes, then stands to face me. His eyes hold mine while he undoes the button on my pants, but I can’t tell what he’s thinking. If he saw the test and knows or if he’s just worried. I just don’t know him well enough to be able to tell what the look he’s giving me means.

The sun is still low when we head out. We only have a little water, and absolutely no food. Things were too crazy for me to think about grabbing some from that store before we left town. Not that it would matter. My stomach feels like it’s been turned inside out, and I have serious doubts about my ability to keep anything down, anyway.

“How long do you think it will take us to get there?” Jon asks, staring up at the orange sky like it will answer him. If only it would.

He never stops asking me questions, and I’m so sick of it I could scream. I’m not a gypsy and I don’t know the future, and I’m tired of Jon expecting me to solve all the problems in this messed-up, shitty world. I’m barely keeping myself together, and I don’t want to be responsible for him too. What little bit of affection I felt for him this morning when he helped me get dry was left back at the house. Now I’m just annoyed.

I’ll just blame it on hormones.

“I don’t know,” I say, trying to keep the irritation out of my voice. “All day.”

“I can’t wait to get a bath,” he says. “We really got lucky finding that hot spring, you know. I think it will turn out to be a nice break for all of us. Give us a new outlook on life.”

“A new outlook on life?” I’m not sure that’s even possible.

He nods and smiles my way. “Yeah.”

Since when did Jon become such an optimist? He was the one who wanted to end it all after his sister died. I mean, I didn’t really blame him. She got taken by the same men who took Vivian and me, but by the time we got there she was too bad off to be saved. Jon risked everything to get her out, but she was dead long before we left that casino. Before she threw herself from the helicopter.

He sighs when I don’t respond, and we go back to traveling in silence.

I watch him out of the corner of my eye as we walk, trying to decide if I should tell him I’m pregnant. He was married before all this. Even had a baby. I know he’d be a good dad, if there is such a thing these days, but I don’t want to face the implications of all this. I don’t want to live with the one question everyone will be thinking when they find out I’m pregnant. Is Jon really the father? Probably not.

“I don’t know what you want from me, Hadley,” he says out of nowhere, making me jump.

I pull my thoughts away from the Monte Carlo and focus on Jon, who’s frowning at me. Watching me like he’s trying to read my mind. It makes my skin itch uncomfortably. There’s nothing inside me that I want out in the light of day, especially right now. My brain is too full of nightmares and ghosts from the past.

“You started all this,” Jon continues. “I know why you did and I get it, but I’m tired of you treating me like shit one minute, then begging me to screw you the next. Either you want me or you don’t.” He pauses, and his green eyes sweep over me. They’re warm and inviting, but that only makes me more uncomfortable. I fight the urge to run. “I like you, Hadley.”

I have no idea what to do with that.

“What does that even mean, Jon? You want to go steady? Get married? What? It’s not like any of that shit exists anymore. It’s not like we can have a real future. We’re sleeping together when we can find a few minutes to ourselves, and let’s face it, that’s about as much as we can hope for these days.”

Jon stops walking and grabs my arm so hard I’m certain he’ll leave a bruise, but any complaint I might have had dies on my lips when I see the desperation in his eyes. “That’s bullshit and you know it! Axl and Vivian have more than that. They’re there for each other. Even when we’re on the road for days and they can’t find a single second to be alone, they’re a couple and everyone knows it. They’re more than husband and wife, and it makes me jealous as hell because I’d love to have something like that. Especially now. We could be there for each other. Lean on one another when everything is shit. But that’s not what we do. You don’t want a damn thing to do with me until you’re ready to screw me, and it’s pissing me off because I love you, Hadley!”

His voice echoes across the silence, bouncing off the trees and rocks and emptiness until it feels like the words are a ball and the inside of my head is a pinball machine. He loves me. No guy has ever said that to me before. Except maybe the almost-baby daddy back in high school, and even then I knew he was just saying it to get in my pants. But Jon means it. I can see it in his eyes and the way he looks at me and every breath he takes in as he waits for me to respond.

And I have no fucking clue how I feel about him.

“I’m lost, Jon.” I take a deep breath, and it’s so shaky I almost fall over. “I don’t know how I feel or what I want or if I even want to be here anymore. Hadley Lucas went into that casino in Vegas, but she didn’t come out. I don’t know who
this
is.”

He releases my arm and lets out a deep breath. His gaze drops to the ground, and he shakes his head like he’s just realized how lost we all are. It shouldn’t be a surprise, though. Everything is gone. All the hopes and dreams we had for the future are pointless now. Like the ramblings of a lunatic. We’re dirty and hungry and lost and scared, and that’s probably the most we’ll ever be able to hope for. Wanting more seems like a waste and just too much work when I’m already so worn out.

After a few seconds, Jon lets out another deep breath and lifts his gaze to mine. “Just tell me what you want from me. Right now. Not in the future, not tomorrow, not a year from now. Today. Everything I do pisses you off, but I can’t read your mind. If there’s something you want from me, just tell me.”