Louise Rennison_Georgia Nicolson 08 (16 page)

 

prat
• A prat is a gormless oik. You make a prat of yourself by mistakenly putting both legs down one knicker leg or by playing air guitar at pop concerts.

 

red bottomosity
• Having the big red bottom. This is vair vair interesting
via-à-vis
nature. When a lady baboon is “in the mood” for luuurve, she displays her big red bottom to the male baboon. (Apparently he wouldn't have a clue otherwise, but that is boys for you!!) Anyway, if you hear the call of the Horn you are said to be displaying red bottomosity.

 

Rolf Harris
• An Australian “entertainer” (not). Rolf has a huge beard and glasses. He plays a didgeridoo, which says everything in my book. He sadly has had a number of hit records, which means he is never off TV and will not go back to Australia. (His “records” are called “Tie Me Kangaroo Down, Sport,” etc….)

 

snogging
• Kissing.

 

The Sound of Music
• Oh are we never to be free?
The Sound of Music
was a film about some bint, Julie Andrews, skipping around in the Alps and singing about goats. Many many famous and annoying songs come from this film, including, “The Hills Are Alive with the Sounds of PANTS,” “You Are Sixteen Going on PANTS,” and, of course, the one about the national flower of Austria, “IdlePANTS.”

 

spangleferkel
• A kind of German sausage. I know. You couldn't make it up, could you? The German language is full of this kind thing, like lederhosen and so on. And Goosegot.

 

spot
• Officially a blocked pore that gets all red and
inflamed and sometimes has a white top on it. In reality something you get every time you need to look your best. You never get spots in concealed places—they are always on your nose or chin or on a sticky-out bit. Americans call them “zits” and I hope against hope this has nothing to do with the noise they make when you pop them.

 

swot
• A person who has no life and as a substitute has to read books and learn things for school. Also anyone who does their homework on time.

 

tart
• A girl who is a bit on the common side. This is a tricky one, actually, because if I wear a very short skirt I am cool and sexy, However, if Jackie Bummer wears a short skirt it is a) a crime against humanity and b) tarty.

 

tatty bye
• Now this is interesting, so gather round and get your ears on, as Yogi Bear used to say. (Don't start asking me who Yogi Bear is, otherwise we'll be here all day and night.) “Tatty” is another word for “potato” in olde English, so Mrs. Billy Shakespeare would say, “Shall we have tatties and pheasant for tea, Billy?” So when you are saying good-bye, English people say tatty bye, and it quite literally means “good-bye potato.”

 

titches
• A titch is a small person. Titches is the plural of titch.

 

tosser
• A special kind of prat. The other way of putting this is “wanker” or “monkey spanker.”

 

vino tinto
• Now this is your actual Pizza-a-gogo talk. It
quite literally means “tinted wine.” In this case the wine is tinted red.

 

waz
• Another expression for piddly diddly department. Possibly named after the sound the piddly diddly makes as it comes out of the trouser area. I don't know, to be frank. Only boys say it. And who knows why boys say anything? The whole thing is a mystery.

 

wazzarium
• A place where you go to have a waz. P.S. You will not be finding me in there.

 

wet
• A drippy, useless, nerdy idiot. Linday.

 

whelk boy
• A whelk is a horrible shellfish thing that only the truly mad eat. Slimy and mucuslike. Whelk boy is a boy who kisses like a whelk, i.e., a slimy mucus kisser. Erlack a pongoes.

Cover art © 2007 by Howard Huang

Cover design by Sasha Illingworth