Love and Lies (11 page)

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

I stood at the foot of the bed
, staring at my bags. My closet looked barren since I'd packed enough clothes for three weeks. Shuffling noises from the hallway caught my attention. Eric stood there with his hands in his pockets, his eyes on the floor.

“
What are you doing here, Eric?” I’d expected to see him before I left. But for two days I'd heard nothing. Now he stood in my doorway, his confidence gone, his shoulders slumped. My hands shook as my nerves settled. Would this be it? Were we done? So many questions wrestled to be answered first.

“
I wanted to see you before you left.”

“
Your timing isn’t the greatest; I was packing.”

“
You said you'd listen when I was ready. I'm ready. There are things that need to be said before you go off with Logan.” His voice deepened.

“
I'll listen. Logan will be here in an hour to pick me up for the airport. Is that enough time?”

“
It has to be. You have to know everything. I
need
you to know everything. Because, Carissa, I want you to come back to me. I know you're going as friends. There's no need to clarify that. I trust you, even if you don't trust me. Logan and I are friends. I won’t deny jealousy, but that’s my problem. Just remember you’re mine, and you'll continue to be mine after this trip.”

“
I don't belong to anyone, Eric. You of all people should understand that.”

He didn't address my comment or his proclamation of ownership.

“There are some things I want to tell you.” Eric followed me into the other room. “But I'm not sure how. They are…well, it's some stuff I haven't told anyone.”

I slid down next to where he sat on the couch. Eric wanted to give me something I'd given him, a look into his past.
“Eric, you don't have to do this.”

“
Yes, I do. I'm hoping by reciprocating your actions you'll understand how serious I am. Did you know I had a brother?”

Had, as in no longer did, past tense. I shook my head, stunned into silence.

“Yeah. He was younger than me. A pain in my ass, too.” Eric chuckled, and his eyes glowed with the memory. “He loved to watch cartoons and play super hero. Every Saturday morning, we watched Superman while he ran around the house in his Superman cape and underroos.” He pinched the bridge of his nose, and the glow in his eyes drifted to sorrow. “I'll never forget the day he died. It was a Saturday. We'd been watching cartoons all morning, and Mom told him to get clothes on so we could go out and get lunch. Then we were going to go to Central Park for a picnic.”

Eric paused, his eyes stayed focused over my shoulder, not looking at me.
“After we left, we walked up to one of our favorite sandwich shops. Brian had his usual peanut butter and jelly. Mom and I had salami, pastrami, and Swiss. I don't know how many times she’d told him to hold a hand to walk across the street. When she didn't, I did.”

My stomach knotted, the lump in my throat pushed it's way up until I thought the little bit of lunch I'd eaten was going to make a seco
nd showing. I squeezed his hand. “Eric…”

Eric stopped me. Finally
, he turned his eyes to mine. The tears were there, but not yet falling. “No, I want to tell you this. I need to tell you.” He ran his hands through his hair.

When he
began again, his eyes went blank, and his voice became hollow. He wasn't reliving the memory as I thought. He'd shoved it so far back he no longer felt any emotion. I rubbed the inside of his wrist with my thumb, both angry and relieved with myself. Angry because I'd pushed him to this point, but relieved to know I wasn't alone in my misery. It may have seemed selfish, but this put Eric and I on an even playing field. Not that I had any idea how it felt to lose a family member, but we both battled with our past haunts. We could be there for each other, get past the pain.

He picked up where I'd stopped him
. “I tried to grab his arm, but all I got was his shirt. There weren't any cars that Mom or I saw, so we yelled after him. That's when the cab flew around the corner, never even brushing the brakes. Brian was in ICU for three days before he died. I was there. I stayed with him the whole time. He was so small, the tubes and machines were all a nightmare. I wished…”

Eric didn't finish his wish. Instead
, he shook his head and ran a hand down his face, wiping away the raw emotion and tears at the same time. I pried his hand off to look at him. When a tear fell down his cheek I wiped it away.

“
After the funeral, Mom had a nervous breakdown. She left in the middle of the night, and I haven't heard from or seen her since. Dad, well he has his moments. In the beginning, he was strong and helped me. Then something changed—it was like something snapped. He didn't have a nervous breakdown, though. Just decided to take his anger out on the world.” His gaze burned into me.

“Eric you don't have to do this.”

He ignored me and went on.
“I was his first opportunity to get rid of the pain. He took it out on me. I could probably give Alec some pointers on make up. You know I’m here on a scholarship.”

No
, I hadn’t known, but that wasn’t a topic we’d covered. Honestly, I didn’t care whether he was here on scholarship or not. “So? If you weren’t talented, you wouldn’t be here regardless of how it’s paid for.”

“Yeah, that’s the thing. I didn’t get accepted as a scholarship student. Originally
, I took a job that moved me here. But things changed the first week. And I didn’t take the job just for the money to go to school.”

I waited without speaking.
Did the change he mentioned have anything to do with me? The urge to ask was strong, but this wasn’t about me. This was about Eric.

“
I needed the money to get away from my dad. He came down with me, and I was supposed to live with him. I knew I wouldn't survive, and I'm not talking about the physical. I could've taken him at any time. It was just that I knew I'd go crazy and lose it like my mom did. And Dad needed someone. It took me a while to figure out it wasn’t someone to beat on that he needed, it was someone to help him. I couldn’t do that. Still can’t.”

“
I'm going to San Francisco with Logan.” I couldn't take it anymore, the weight of his story pressed on me, and although I understood now, I had to interrupt. I had to let him know where we stood.

“
I know.”

“Alec told you. But I need you to hear it from me. I
'll be back in a few days. I need to do this, Eric.” A tear slid down my cheek.

Eric followed the trail with his finger, his touch sending sparks through my body. Ugh, why did he have to do this now, when I couldn't be there to comfort him? Was I total bitch for leaving?
I wasn't asking for permission, it was more than that. This was something I'd committed to doing, and I wanted Eric to hear from me that I'd made the decision to go. Not from Alec or Logan that plans were made and I accepted the offer.

“
Damn it.” Eric shook his head. “That's not why I told you, about…I love you, Carissa. We haven’t been together long, and this probably seems sudden, but it’s true. I love you.” Eric shook his head. “I don't understand why you're going, and I'm not going to try and figure it out. But I won’t stop you.”

He loved me. I needed to say something in return, but my brain refused to form words. I sat frozen in my seat, waiting for everything to sink in. I wasn’t able tell him that I loved him back. Yeah, I thought I did. But there was that sliver of doubt still in the back of mind.

“I want to be here for you, Eric. I can’t…” I finally managed.

Until I knew for sure
that Eric wasn’t working with my parents, I couldn’t put my heart out there. Saying the words made everything more intense. I wasn’t ready for the hurt that would come as well.

Eric kissed the back of my hand and made his way to the door. Before leaving
, he looked over his shoulder to where I sat. “Carissa, please don't feel sorry for me. I didn't tell you that stuff for pity. I wanted you to know me, my past. I will be here when you get back. I promise.”

I don't remember the knot in my stomach unwinding. After Eric left
, I went back to my room to finish packing.

CHAPTER
NINETEEN

“Relax. It's going to be fine. Just sit back and enjoy the ride. It's not like I'm kidnapping you and plan to demand a ransom.”

I yanked my phone from Logan's hand. He'd taken it from me when I
took it out of my purse as we drove away from the sidewalk. When I tried to take it back, the little shit stuck it in his pants pocket. There was no way I was going to get it then. Thankfully, he pulled it out within seconds to show he was just teasing.

“
I'm not worried about you. I'm worried about Eric.”

“
Carissa, quit worrying.”

He was right
, but that was easier said than done. The pain on Eric’s face as he recounted his past had plagued my dreams all night. At least once I woke in a cold sweat and reached for my phone. But Eric had asked me not to pity him. The least I could do was honor the request.

Now, if only I could relax. I took a couple of deep breaths before leaning my head on the back of the seat.
“Thank you, Logan. For all of this. I mean it.”

We spent the short ride to the airport debating music. I thought
the Blue Monkeys were okay. Logan thought they were one of the greatest bands of our time. Of course, I loved whoever the current pop favorite was, so there was some understanding as to why I didn't understand his logic. Pop music and Blue Monkeys didn't always fall in the same culture.

“
How long is the flight?” I asked as we pulled our bags through the terminal.

“
Six hours. We have a layover in Dallas before going to San Francisco, but don't worry it's short.”

I nodded but didn't say anything.

“I made sure to book first class seats. That way, the trip from Dallas won't be uncomfortable. Three hours sitting on a plane is not fun.”

“
I don't fly much. Sorry if I seem out of it.”

“Do the guys know you don't fly?”

“
Yeah, it's not like I'm scared. I just don't know all the flight stuff.” I laughed at the way his brows turned up. Apparently the concept of me not flying often was humorous to Logan.

I didn't have anywhere to go, so it wasn't a big deal. The only relative I saw was my grandmother on my mom's side, and she lived in New York too. Dad had a brother, but he had a job with computers in Arizona
, and they never talked. Mom was an only child. Dad's parents died a few years ago, first Grandma then Grandpa six months later. We flew out to LA together each time, but that was about it for my flying experience before I'd flown down here for school.

I led the way to the security check
; even if I wasn't a seasoned flier I could read and follow signs. Logan tucked in behind me, with his ticket and photo ID out and ready to go.

“
You know, we should spend more time together.” I threw a grin his way.

“I think I've tried.” He tapped his chin and looked to the ceiling as though contemplating a great mystery. “Yep, I've tried. You always seem to be too busy.”

My lips curved downward.
“We're both busy. You've been paying a lot of attention to your band and music.”

The line moved forward
, and he slid his hand to the small of my back. His touch caught me off guard. My muscles tightened, but I didn't want to move away, for fear of hurting his feelings. I noticed that the security line was moving forward. That's why Logan had touched my back, to nudge me forward. At least that’s what I told myself. I'd agreed to this trip, lined everything out for him. This was a friends-only trip. Yet, I still worried that he'd get the wrong idea. With a sigh, I continued through the line and into the waiting area.

It wasn't long
, and we were boarding the plane. First class was remarkable. The seats were plush, and I had more than enough legroom. I smiled at Logan as he sat down in the aisle seat. When I asked for the window, he had no problem switching places. Before the plane even backed up, I had a drink in hand and a pillow behind my head. It was nearly heaven.

“
This is great, Logan, thank you again.”

“
That's the tenth time you've thanked me. You're welcome, again. I want this to be the best trip you've ever had. I hope it's as perfect as I planned.” His ocean-blue eyes glistened with anticipation.

,
I rested my head on the seat as the plane began its ascent skyward. From what I remembered, getting off the ground was a bitch. The force of taking off gave me a headache and made my stomach flip. So it was better if I closed my eyes and concentrated on something else. Today, Eric invaded my thoughts. I saw him sitting next to me with his hand on my leg, his eyes begging for forgiveness. A tap on my shoulder pulled me from my vision. I opened one eye to see a look of admiration on Logan's face as he watched me.

“
Are you okay?” Logan's voice was filled with concern.

“
Yeah, why?”

“
I just wanted to make sure. You haven't moved since we took off.”

“
Flying gives me a headache, so it's better for me to close my eyes. We just got in the air though, right?”

“
Nope, we've been up for a while. They've already made the announcement that we're past ten thousand feet.” Logan chuckled.

“
Oh, oops. Guess I fell asleep.” I looked out my window. Sure enough there was no sight of ground below. I'd fallen asleep and didn't realize it.

The stewardess began her trip up the aisle to take drink orders and ensure that everyone was comfortable. She smiled when she stopped at our row.
“Is this trip to celebrate anything special?” she asked.

“
Nope. Just taking a friend to a concert for her birthday present.”

“
Aww, that's sweet.” She looked at me and pointed at Logan. “You've got a keeper here.”

“
Umm, he's not...” I paused, there wasn't really a reason to point out he wasn't my boyfriend. Logan had already said we were friends. “Thank you.”

Logan didn't say anything for a while. More than once
, I snuck a peek at him to try and gauge his feelings. After a lengthy period of time, I plucked my sketchbook and pencil from the seat back pocket. Might as well take advantage of time alone without interruption to sit back and sketch. Shortly after the pilot came over the intercom to tell us we were descending, Logan spoke again.

“
I'm sorry about the flight attendant. I know we aren’t together or anything.” He kept his gaze from me.

“
No need to apologize. It’s not like you tried to make this trip more than it is.” I tried to give him a look of reassurance, but Logan never turned in my direction.

I rested my hand on his arm.
“Logan, really. It's okay.”

Finally
, he looked at me. “Okay. I'm still sorry.” His lips slowly curved upward.

* * *
*

I stepped out of the limo and twisted my neck to get the kinks out.
It was warm outside, but not as hot as it could have been. I squinted against the sun. Ahh, San Francisco—wasn't it the City of Love, or something like that? We were staying at the Four Seasons hotel across from Yerba Buena Gardens, the concert venue.

W
hile the concierge removed our bags from the car and brought them inside, Logan went to the front desk to check in, and I searched for a place to relax. It was late, and I wanted to take a nap. Chairs filled the lobby, but they were occupied with either luggage or people. Logan found me propped against a pillar, my head sagging to the side. He didn't approach me immediately. I opened my eyes just enough to watch him, but not let on that I was no longer asleep. He stood back watching me. At first it didn't bother me, but when his gaze lingered over my chest I became uncomfortable.

“You know, if you don't wipe the drool off your chin, she's going to think you’re leering.” A gentleman came from behind Logan and placed his hand on his shoulder. It seemed I wasn't the only to notice his rapt attention.

“
Whatever,” he replied to the older gentleman. He leaned into my body, his warm breath brushed my cheek. “Carissa.”

“
What?” I asked sleepily.

“
Come on, let's go to the room and get some rest. You look like you could use a few good hours.”

“
No.”

“
No, you don't want some sleep?” He chuckled. “I have a hard time believing that. You're half asleep right now.”

As I stumbled
toward the elevators, Logan caught me mid-fall and tucked me close to his side as we made our way up to the tenth floor and inside the room. Then he laid me on the bed and closed the door on his way out, he couldn't have heard the thanks I muttered as my eyes closed again.