Love and Truth (32 page)

She stands and leaves the room momentarily. When she returns, she holds a small wooden box. She sits down on the side of the bed and places it in front of her. I scoot up from under the blankets, filled with curiosity, staring at the box. She turns it over and winds a knob before flipping it back over. She opens the top and a beautiful melody hums from inside the box. I lean over and look in to see a small, green glittery tree slowly spinning. The leaves of the little tree sparkle like green diamonds and the music is a sweet lullaby.

“Honey Bunch, this is a music box. It’s not an ordinary music box, but a dream music box. The tree is a protection tree. It’ll protect you from closet monsters. When you listen to this music, it’ll give you nothing but sweet dreams and there’ll be no more monsters in that closet. All you have to do is close your eyes and the music box will do the rest.”

She stands up and places it on the nightstand. She winds it one more time and leans down, kissing me on the forehead.

“Now you close your pretty little eyes and have sweet, sweet dreams.” She turns out the light and closes the door. I turn to my side facing the music box and close my eyes. I never wake back up and I never have bad dreams at Gran’s again.

The wooden music box wasn’t going into one of the brown square boxes.

“Mom, I’m keeping this.” I said as I held up the music box. She nodded with a smile and continued working.

I was holding the music box in my lap on the ride home. Mom looked over at me, smiling,

“I fought with your Gran over that music box, you know?”

“No. Why, Mom?”

She chuckled. “I wanted her to let me have it for you at home, because of the monsters under your bed. She told me it was only for closet monsters.” She laughed and her eyes watered a little. She wiped under her eyes quickly. “She was so serious when she told me that. I told her that was ridiculous and you wouldn’t know the difference, but she insisted that it only worked at her house and that I needed to find my own cure for bed monsters. Silly woman. She loved you so much. She was really proud of you for being so brave, going off to Japan like you did.”

I nodded and listened to her speak from the passenger seat.

“You can’t keep beating yourself up for not calling. She knew you loved her. You can’t hold onto guilt about this. Life happens to everyone, sweetie. We all get caught up in our day-to-day and forget to do things we meant to do. You had a lot going on with a new place, new school, and new friends. She understood that. We all did.”

“I know.”

“Listen, we need to start talking about when you’ll return to Okinawa.”

I was quiet. I stared out the window, not wanting to think about going back.

“Nicole, you are going back right?” I sighed and turned forward. A moment passed.

“Mom, why did you and Dad get a divorce?”

“Um, honey why do you ask?”

“I just want to know. I’ve never asked for any more details and I need to know.”

She slowed down and pulled off to the side of the road. She turned to me with a serious expression.

“That’s a very complicated question, and there’s no one easy answer. Your father and I let life get in our way. We stopped making deposits and eventually the marriage was empty.”

“What do you mean?”

“Honey, marriage is hard work. Especially when you have children and busy lives, which most people do. Marriage takes a lot of attention much like finances or a garden. If you don’t make deposits to your bank account, eventually it’s all gone and there’s nothing left to spend. Your father and I stopped managing our marriage. After a certain amount of time we just decided it was time to move on.”

“But how, Mom? How could you just walk away after being married so long? I understand what you’re saying, but couldn’t you have started over and tried to make it better?”

She paused and I shook my head. There was no answer that would satisfy me.

“You gave up. He gave up. You didn’t fight for each other.”

“Honey, your father knew what he wanted. He was ready to move on and I wasn’t going to try and make him stay in a marriage that was broken. If we weren’t both willing to fix it, how could it have worked? Please don’t get me wrong, I thought about it many times and I still love your father very much. But once he moved on with Samantha, I knew there was no turning back the hands of time. It was too late. I’m at peace with it so don’t think I’m not happy for your father and Samantha, because I am.”

A sudden wave of regret washed over me. I walked away from Jonathan at the first sign of resistance from him. I didn’t try to fight for what I believed we had. I just let him make the decision for us without a fight. What if Jonathan found a Samantha? He was the first guy I ever opened up to and I walked away from him without a fight. Tears streamed down my face and the pain of that night resurfaced, bursting through my chest.

“Honey, why are you so upset? Your father and I have been divorced well over a year. I thought you had gotten comfortable with it by now.”

I shook my head, wiping away my tears. “No, I met a guy. He’s the most amazing, wonderful, sweet, caring and talented guy I’ve ever met. I messed up big time, Mom, over something so trivial, and I don’t know if I can go back and change it.”

“Oh, honey. I’m sure that’s not true.”

“He broke up with me and I acted like a crazy person. All I kept thinking was that he was doing the same thing Dad did. The same thing you did. He just quit without trying, but I realize now that I did the same thing. I didn’t fight for him either. I just accepted the decision he made for the both of us and I walked away.”

She reached over and hugged me as I cried.

“You can’t live your life in the shadow of what happened between your father and me. It was much more complex than what you can know or see from the outside.” She rubbed the back of my head while I buried my face in my hands.

“Do you love this boy?” I nodded, not believing that I was telling my Mom this.

“Aw, honey first loves are always the hardest. Everything’s so new, and your emotions and feelings are all over the place. You can’t blame yourself for getting caught up in them. If it’s real and he truly loves you too, then it’ll work out. You’ll find your way back to each other. You’re young. Even if it doesn’t work out, it’s because it wasn’t meant to. But please don’t make the decisions in your relationships based on what happened between your father and me.”

“What if it’s too late? Plus I’m still really hurt by what he did. Won’t I be saying that what he did is okay if I try to go back to him?”

She patted my back softly. “Forgiveness does not make you a doormat. Forgiving him is a gift to yourself first, and if you truly can forgive him, you have to do it with your whole heart. Forgiveness doesn’t make one a fool. It frees you from the bounds of what he did that hurt you. Sometimes the forgiver not only sets themselves free, they set the forgiven free as well. Maybe he’s reflected on what happened too. Maybe he’s scared to try or feels too much regret to make it right. Your forgiveness may be the one thing he needs.”

Chapter Twenty-Two

Gran, I miss you so much, but I know you’re no longer in pain and are finally at peace. I just wanted you to know how much I loved you and how much happiness you brought into my life. You were one of the strongest women I’ve ever known. Your strength and wisdom always inspired me to strive to be stronger and better. So much has happened over the past few weeks and I wish you were here for me to tell you all about it.

I met a guy, Gran. A really amazing, wonderful and caring guy that makes me happy. You once told me that a woman doesn’t need a man for anything, but if a good one comes along to hold on tight. I want you to know that’s what I plan on doing. I let him slip away, but I’m going to find a way to make things right. I will hold on tight, Gran, because Jonathan is one of the good ones, I just know he is. I’m going to hold on tight and never let him go. I love him and I know he loves me. Thank you for helping to make me be the woman I’ve become, Gran. I’m going back to Okinawa, even though I lost my chance to be in the summer showcase. I’m going back to finish the summer workshop program. Then I’m attending the performing arts college there. I’m going to start working towards a Bachelor of Fine Arts Degree in dance. I’ll make you proud, I promise. So dance with the angels, Gran, and watch from above as I dance here on earth for you. I love you more than words and I know that I’ll always come out of any darkness the world throws my way, because you taught me to no longer be afraid of the dark.”

I visited Gran’s grave this morning and said my final goodbyes. Dad bought my ticket back to Okinawa yesterday and I was scheduled to leave tomorrow morning. I was extremely nervous. Annie was on her way here to spend the day with me. We have barely spent any time together since I came home. I spent most of my time with Mom and Dad. I had almost decided to stay in Texas, but after my talk with Mom and receiving the box from Jonathan, I knew I had to go back. I spoke to Emiko on the phone yesterday and she was thrilled to hear the news.

I anxiously asked her about Jonathan, but what she said was not what I wanted to hear. She told me that he put his beach house up for sale and had stayed there since I left. He apparently hadn’t been home to his mom’s house at all. Hiro and Izo had been hanging out with him at the beach house, trying to cheer him up, but Emiko said it wasn’t working. He was deeply depressed by our break-up. She said he had the piano removed from the house and refused to go out onto the beach. I was so worried about him and wished he would take my calls. I had called him three times since I received the box, but it kept going straight to voicemail. I only left one message, but just said it was me and that I wanted to talk. He hadn’t called back and my mind was running wild with speculation.

I knew a day with Annie would make me feel better. She could always put me in a good mood. I had already packed. This time it was easy, since I had only brought a few things here with me. My phone vibrated with a text from Annie, saying she was five minutes away.

“Hey, Mom. Annie will be here any sec. I’m going out with her for the day. We should be back in a few hours.”

“Okay, honey. Have fun.” She was folding laundry and watching one of her favorite soaps. The doorbell rang, so I grabbed my purse and opened the door.

“Nic! I’m so happy you had time to hang today. I can’t believe you’re leaving tomorrow.” She gave me a big hug and we walked to her car.

“I know, Annie. I’m sorry.” I sighed as I got in her car. “It’s been crazy since Gran passed away. Mom needed help with Gran’s house and I needed to spend some time with Dad. Plus, I haven’t really been the best person to be around lately.”

“Oh, Nic, I know. You’ve had so much going on and I’m sure it’s been hard to deal. Have you talked to him, to Jonathan, yet?”
I wish
, I thought.

“No, I haven’t. I called three times, but he didn’t answer and he hasn’t called me back. God, Annie, I hope it’s not too late. I hope I haven’t lost him for good.” I felt myself fighting back tears.

“But, the letter, Nic. You read that letter to me over the phone and it sounded like he’s still very much in love with you.”

“I know, but he hasn’t called. It doesn’t make sense. Why wouldn’t he call me back, Annie?” I had asked myself this question over and over. I shook my head and stared straight ahead.

“Nic, don’t overanalyze it. Maybe he doesn’t want to have that discussion over the phone, a million miles away from you.”

She always had a knack for making me see things from a different perspective.

“Maybe you’re right. I’ll stop obsessing over it. I keep holding that heart in my hand, the heart he gave me, hoping on all hope that he meant what he said about belonging to me forever. The jar of sand breaks my heart every time I look at it, but at the same time it gives me faith because I know our love for each other can mend the broken pieces of our hearts.”