Love, But Never (27 page)

              A lump developed in her throat and she was short of breath.  She wanted him, too, especially now.  He turned her so she could look into his eyes.  They were begging her to trust him, begging her to do something daring, begging her to go out into the rain.  She bit her lip.

              ‘Do I dare?’
she asked herself. Behind him, her friends stood in the distance.  They were mostly keeping to themselves, but Liv just stared, her green eyes sparkled in awe of her conversation with Aaron. She gave Marissa a look that said, ‘
JUST DO IT!’
even though she had no idea what he was proposing.

              His arm gently grazed hers and the electricity bolted through her again.  She couldn’t take it.  She wanted him, right there, tonight.  She couldn’t wait!

              “That’s okay; my friends were talking about taking off soon anyway.  We were just waiting for your set,” she whispered, trying to sound nonchalant about his proposal, but sure she was failing.

              “Great,” he exhaled, “meet me out front in a few minutes.”

              As he walked away, Marissa took a deep breath and walked toward her friends, who were now giving her an odd look. She wondered if she looked as deer-in-the-headlights as she felt.

              “Hey guys, I’m going to hang out with Aaron a little bit before his set,” she explained as she reached them, “When you see him come back, we can take off.”

              She could tell they wanted to question her, but they all nodded in agreement.  Liv was smiling so hard, Marissa thought her face might crack.

              Marissa walked slowly out of the door and stood under the awning of the club.  The rain was pounding on the sidewalk in front of her, the lights reflecting off the drops.  It was cold, but Marissa thought it seemed perfect.

              Suddenly, Aaron touched the small of her back and led her into the rain and through the parking lot.

              ‘
Why can’t I resist him? Resist this?’
she asked herself as they reached his car.

              “We don’t have to do this if you don’t want you,” he started.

              “You always say that,” she giggled, ducking into his brand new black Volkswagen after him.

              “Do I?” he said, more sultry as he leaned in to capture her lips with his. One of Aaron’s hands moved her sweater over her shoulders while she felt the other slip into her long copper hair.  Her breath caught in her throat as his lips moved to her neck and down to the tops of her breasts.  Marissa was gasping for the breath she was sure she had seconds ago and her head was swimming.

             
‘Holy shit!  His touch sends me to another place entirely.  Is this what real love feels like or is this lust?’
  Desire pooled deep within her belly and a groan escaped her lips as she had an overwhelming urge to whisper to him how much she wanted to be here with him, like this forever.

              “God, I wish we had more time together,” he said, his mouth against her chest as his hands pulled down the top of her shirt to expose her breast to his eager lips. 
‘Does he feel the same?
’ She wondered as his hand moved from her hair down to the top of her pants, undoing her zipper and sliding them down her legs.  “No panties? And you shaved?  Is it my birthday?” he chuckled.

              Her hands quickly dispatched his belt and pushed his pants and boxers down to his ankles, taking the condom out of the back pocket before dispatching them completely.  She heard his sharp intake of breath when her hand wrapped around his length and started to move it up and down.  She ripped the condom wrapper open and slowly moved it into place.

“Holy shit,” he groaned.  “How do I ever resist you?” Marissa smiled as his hands tangled into her hair again, pulling her closer.  His kiss became fevered and rough, his tongue plundering her mouth as he brought himself to her and swiftly moved inside.  His pace was frantic, like he was starving for this, for her.  “Are you okay?” he asked between thrusts.

“Don’t stop!” Marissa screamed as she felt something change deep inside of her.  No one made her feel the way Aaron made her feel.  When she was with him, she always felt completely satisfied, physically and emotionally.  They always knew what the other wanted, without a word.
‘I have real feelings for Aaron.  I want to
be
with him, not just be with him.’

As the feelings from her heart entered her head for the first time, she let go and came, gloriously, around him, “Aaron!” she screamed, as his mouth covered hers again in a deep kiss, she searched for some hint that he felt the same in the kiss.  His lips moved desperately, taking from her everything she was giving.

“Marissa, fuck!” he screamed as he stilled and poured himself into her, “I can never hold it with you!  You are amazing,” he said, his breath labored as he pulled out of her and started to straighten himself out.

“Well, you didn’t have much time anyway,” Marissa smirked.  “And I have no complaints.” She started dressing herself in the cramped backseat, that just seconds ago, seemed perfect.  After they were dressed, he kissed her deeply one last time and she felt it resonate through every part of her body.  He helped her out of his car and back toward the front of the club.  She was spent and her knees wobbled.

“Call me tomorrow, okay?  You guys are still coming to Texas this weekend, right?” he said, his hand in the small of her back, holding her steady.

“Yeah, Susan and I are going.  We’ve got a room, if you still need a place to crash,” she offered.  “Have a great set.”

“It’ll be better now, won’t it?” He walked toward the door of the club, and then looked back to Marissa and hesitated like there was something he wanted to say, or do.  His smile seemed to reach both of his ears as he disappeared through the door.  Several seconds later, Liv and the rest of her friends came barreling out the front door, laughing.

“What were you doing?!  He made it back just as the last band took its last piece of equipment off the stage!  Talk about perfect timing,” she laughed, her short black hair gleaming under the street lamp.  Marissa blushed.
‘That was weird.  Did he want to kiss me again?’

“Oh, nothing much,” she glossed over.  “We just hung out, he wanted to talk and unwind before he had to go on and we haven’t seen each other in a couple weeks.  No big deal.”  She hoped like hell that she was pulling off nonchalance as they walked to her truck.

CHAPTER 20

             
I don’t remember when it was, exactly, that I became so cynical about love. I don’t know if it was my parents’ influence or what. Although, I’m certain that their bi-weekly fighting marathons did not help me. And throughout my life, I’ve only, maybe, twice dated someone that I actually liked before I started dating them. In nearly all of my relationships, one thing remained constant, they all liked me and I wasn’t too into them.

Now, things are different. I want something lasting with someone who cares and understands. I thought that NO ONE could ever understand. But then I met you and everything changed inside me. I’m like goo- yeah, it’s funny but it’s true. Even my friends notice something different. I used to be this girl that liked to go out with guys in an outfit with a lot of cleavage, and now, I’d rather sit home and hang out with my friends in a comfy t-shirt and scrub bottoms. Don’t get me wrong, I always enjoyed the latter more than the former. But I always enjoyed the attention that the former got me. I’m just ready for something different.              Not a messed up version of love like my parents, but actual love. Love that grows each day, because you continue to surprise each other. Love that I can feel all the way down into my toes. I know you probably think that I am
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how I feel about love and how cynical I am that love will never find me. Sex for me has almost always been about attention, feeling beautiful, giving my self-esteem a boost. And knowing that I’m smart wasn’t good enough, because
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down the street, unless you have a really big head, but that’s beside the point. Yet, now, I know on my own that I am pretty, I don’t need them to want to screw me to realize that. I finally got back that confidence that I lost when I failed. I want to get out of here. I hate it. Even the silence is getting too loud. I need to get away, you help me do that, without having to actually go anywhere.

              Wow! I’ve really just gone off on a tangent here, haven’t I? Didn’t mean to do that! I just want to find happiness. And if I find it with you, that would be perfect. But above all this, I want you to be happy.

~03/16/02

              Marissa put down her pen and closed her journal.   She traced the outline around the shiny silver flute on the cover and wished she had the guts to write that letter for real, but instead, it was banished to the pages of her journal, never to see the eyes of the person who deserved to read it.  She looked around her hotel room and wondered if Regret Lingers would be staying here tonight with Susan and her.

**

              “Kyle, I thought you were going to show us where all the action is,’ Susan accused, once they all arrived at Susan and Marissa’s hotel room. “As payment for sharing our room with the band.”

“You’re right! Now that we’ve dropped off our stuff, let’s go get wasted!  There’s a place down the street we can walk to!” Kyle slid his arms back into his jacket and looked to Marissa. “You coming?”

“I’m going to hang back this time.  I’m beat! Plus, I’ve got the first leg of the
long
trip home tomorrow,” Marissa yawned and grabbed her night clothes from her open bag on the second queen sized bed. “You guys have a blast.”

She headed into the bathroom to change as she heard them leave the room.  Marissa sighed as she started her bedtime routine.  After changing, she brushed her hair and teeth and headed back into the room.

“Holy-!” Marissa startled backwards at the figure sitting at the room’s desk.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you,” Aaron said, looking sheepishly at Marissa in her blue boxer shorts and white tank top.

“It’s okay, I just figured you were headed out with everyone else,” Marissa folded her arms across her chest, before realizing she was holding her bra- not wearing it.  She hurried over to shove her dirty clothes into her bag, before sitting on her bed.

“I thought about it, but I have to drive the first leg of
our
trip tomorrow,” he said, moving to sit next to her.

“Oh, that’s cool,” Marissa was suddenly nervous, “Do you mind if I turn off the lights? Or did you want to read or something?”

“No, that’s fine.”

“If you want to rest on Susan’s bed until they get back, I’m sure she won’t mind,” she tried to sound as nonchalant as possible.
‘Please ask to sleep with me.’
Marissa’s heart flew to her throat and her breathing became more erratic than she intended as she got up to turn off the light.

“That sounds good,” Aaron said, slightly confused, as he stood up and stripped down to his undershirt and boxers.  A small twinge of disappointment shot through Marissa as he lay down on top of the duvet on Susan’s bed.

“That’s not fair!  You take off one layer of clothing, and you are instantly ready for bed,” Marissa peeled back the covers of her own bed before sinking underneath them.  She let out a contented sigh as the comfort of the bed settled around her.