Love Inspired November 2014 #2 (35 page)

“Why are you packing?”

Ethan kept his gaze averted, his hands on his hips. “I'm going back to Atlanta. I've been offered a job taking pictures of returned veterans for a book. I think it's a good offer.”

“You're leaving? Why? What happened?”

“Nothing.”

“You're lying. Your eyes always give you away.” She swiped unwelcome tears from the edges of her eyes. He stepped to her and pulled her close for a moment before leading her to the sofa.

Seated beside her, he took her hands in his. “Something happened tonight during the fire that makes it impossible for me to stay here.”

She waited, trying to imagine anything that could have happened that would make him leave.

“I intended to come to your parents' house, but as I was watching the fire...I started to lose my grip. Then there was an explosion.” He sucked in a deep breath. “I was back there, Nicki, in the middle of that marketplace, with the fire and the sounds and the horror.”

He started to release her hand, but she gripped it tighter. She could feel him shaking. “Go on.”

He stared at her hand, his thumb rubbing her skin. “I don't know how long I was out of it. The next thing I knew, a fireman was calling to me. I was huddled under the stairs like a scared kid.” She squeezed his hand. “I can't stay here now.”

“I don't understand. Why not?”

He stood. “Because I can't be responsible for what might happen to anyone around me when a flashback happens.”

“What do you mean?”

“I lose myself. I think I'm back there and I have no awareness of what's going on around me. What if I had a flashback while I was watching Sadie and something happened to her? Or you needed me and I was lost in a mental battleground? It's dangerous.”

He turned and faced her. The agony on his face tore at her heart. She didn't know how to help him. “Then you'll get help. We'll work together.”

“My PTSD isn't going away, Nicki. It'll be with me forever. It can tear families apart. I'd thought I'd moved beyond the worst of it. Tonight proved I haven't.”

He walked across the room before turning to face her, as if already breaking their bond. Nicki felt tears burning her eyes.

“Besides, you have a great job offer in Missouri. You are going to take it, aren't you?”

“I have to let them know today.”

He nodded. “You'll be an asset to the company. They're lucky to get you.”

Didn't he care? The raw emotion in his brown eyes said he cared very much. Now was the time. She had to tell him or regret it for the rest of her life. “I love you. I have for a while, but I was afraid to tell you. I'd made such a big deal of getting away from Dover, and I wasn't sure if you felt the same way. I thought you might, but you never said anything. But when you kissed me, I thought... Well, I didn't want you to leave without knowing how I felt.”

He held her gaze a moment, his eyes warming with the light of love. “I've loved you from the moment I walked into this store. But it's because I love you that I need to go. You and Sadie mean everything to me.”

“Then stay with us. Sadie and I need you.”

* * *

Sadie and I need you.
Nicki's parting words still reverberated in Ethan's mind. He'd led her to the door last night and practically shoved her out. He was doing the right thing for her and Sadie. She just didn't know it yet.

He glanced at the clock on the kitchen wall. Nicki would be at church soon. By the time the service ended, he'd be gone. He wasn't sure why he hadn't left last night. After Nicki had gone, he'd been too upset to think straight. He'd hoped a good night's sleep would help. It hadn't. He'd underestimated how hard it would be to walk away. Why had the Lord let him come here and fall in love and find a family, only to remind him he wasn't qualified for either role?

He'd called Paul last night, but even talking to him hadn't helped. Paul had accused him of being afraid for himself. That wasn't true. It was the first time Paul hadn't understood. That realization had hurt nearly as much as having to leave Nicki.

Ethan rested his palm against the window frame, staring out at the steeple. This would be the last time he'd see the inspiring sight. The thought stung like alcohol on an open wound. Rubbing his forehead, he turned away. His eyes burned from lack of sleep; every muscle in his body protested the fierce tension he'd been under since Nicki had confessed her love for him.

Before the fire, he would have soared on wings knowing his love was returned. But now, after last night, he had to turn her away. The flashback had stripped away all the progress he'd made. Nicki and Sadie had shown him how to live in the moment, how to embrace his emotions. He'd believed he'd finally found a place to belong. He liked being part of a community, the feelings of permanence and roots. He'd even started to believe that with Nicki's help he could learn to be a good father to Sadie. But now he had new fears to confront. The flashback would always be lying in wait to possess him, and it could destroy his life and Nicki's, too.

His duffel bag was sitting open on the table. All he had left to pack were a few personal items. Mainly his Bible and a picture of Nicki and Sadie that he'd framed and kept in the bedroom. The first thing he saw when he woke up and the last thing he saw before falling asleep.

A knock on the door caught him by surprise. Nicki hadn't come back to the apartment last night. He'd assumed she'd stayed at her parents'. Had she come back to try to change his mind? He didn't think he could stand seeing her again. His heart would be blasted to smithereens.

He moved to the door and pulled it open, bracing himself to see Nicki. But it was her father who stood there.

“Mr. Latimer.”

“May I come in?”

“Yes, of course. Is anything wrong with Nicki or Sadie?”

Latimer held his gaze. “In a way. My daughter is very upset, and I understand you're to blame for that.”

Ethan dragged his hand across the back of his neck. “I'm sorry. I never wanted to hurt her.”

Latimer moved the jacket lying on the sofa aside and sat down, crossing his legs, his posture indicating he wasn't leaving until he'd said his piece.

Ethan pulled a kitchen chair up, turned it around and straddled it, facing Nicki's father square on. Nothing was going to change his mind.

“She tells me you suffered a relapse last night during the fire.”

A rush of heat rose up the back of his neck. He'd never intended to share his disorder with her father. He saw now that he should have. “Yes. Which is why it's best that I leave.”

“Is that the only reason?”

“Yes.”

“You should know that my daughter tells me everything. I know that you believe your childhood makes you incapable of being a good husband and father.”

Ethan might as well have stood before a firing squad. He swallowed the lump in his throat. “That's true. I have nothing to draw from.”

“That makes you exactly like every other father on the planet. We all have to learn as we go.”

“I don't want to make any mistakes. They mean too much to me.”

“If that's true, then everything you need to know about being a good father is right there in that book.”

Ethan didn't have to look to know Latimer was referring to the Bible lying beside his duffel.

“But I have a feeling that your decision to leave is based more on your own fears than your true feelings.”

He had no answer for him. That was what scared him. The unknown.

“My daughter is a strong-willed, determined woman. And when she gives her heart, it's forever. She made a terrible mistake before, but I don't think she's made one this time. I think she's given her heart to someone who can make her happy and still allow her the independence she needs.” Latimer stood. “And from what I've seen over the last weeks, you need her and my granddaughter in your life, too.”

Ethan followed him to the door. “I love them both, Mr. Latimer. More than anything.”

“Then give them the chance to love you back. Don't throw away my girls because of something that might not ever happen.” He rested a comforting hand on Ethan's shoulder. “There's a place for you in our family. Whatever troubles you bring with you, we'll be there to help.”

He opened the door then turned back. “Today is Mother's Day. Nicki's first.” He held Ethan's gaze a long moment. Then left.

Ethan shut the door, his thoughts more confused than ever. If he believed Nicki's father, then walking away from her would be the worst mistake he could make. He knew that, but that didn't erase his deep concern about his flashbacks. Latimer's words had echoed Paul's. Was he more fearful of having a flashback or of taking on the responsibility of becoming a husband and father?

His gaze came to rest on his worn Bible. Taking a seat at the table, he shoved aside the duffel bag and opened the book, thinking about the fathers in scripture and the Father in Heaven. One particular father came to mind: Joseph. He must have felt equally inadequate to become a father. There'd been no guidebook for raising the Son of God. How had he done it? How had he found the courage?

He knew the answer. Faith. Trust. The Lord had brought Ethan through so much. Why did he doubt that He could bring him through the experience of fatherhood? He picked up the picture of Nicki and Sadie. His life would be meaningless and empty without them. Today was Mother's Day. Nicki's first. More than anything, he wanted to celebrate it with her. Maybe it was time to stop hiding behind his fears and step out in faith.

Church was already letting out at Peace Community when Ethan approached the front sidewalk. He'd forgotten that their service was earlier than Hope Chapel's. He searched the members as they emerged, looking for Nicki. Had she even come today? Maybe she had been too upset. He should have asked her dad this morning when he'd come by.

Ethan spotted Nicki's parents as they exited the front door. Mr. Latimer saw him, smiled and pointed toward the side of the church. Ethan nodded and walked around to the side. He saw Nicki emerge carrying Sadie. They made a beautiful sight. The mother and child. When he saw them together now, he never thought about the others. The Lord had helped him heal from that incident by giving him a new image to overlay it.

He hurried forward. She saw him and stopped. Her blue eyes were clouded with sadness. She raised her chin as if defying him to hurt her anymore.

“Did you come to say goodbye?”

“No. I came to tell you happy Mother's Day. I didn't want to miss your first one.” The disappointment in her blue eyes wounded him. He was making a mess of this. “Is there someplace we can talk?”

She held his gaze a moment, then gestured toward the back of the church. He followed her into a walled garden tucked into a small grove of trees behind the sanctuary. Nicki sat on a wooden bench, settling the baby in her lap. Ethan held his breath as he took a seat beside them. Slowly he took her hand. “Nicki, I love you. I realized that losing you and Sadie would be more traumatic than the explosion or the picture or anything I've ever experienced. I'd never recover. I want to share the rest of my life with you. If that means moving to Branson or Boston, it doesn't matter.” He held his breath, waiting for her response.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes. I've never been more sure of anything in my life.”

“Ethan, I didn't take the job in Branson. I want Sadie to grow up in Dover and to know her grandparents. I realized it would be cruel to take her away from them, and I've discovered I can't raise her by myself. I could, but I want her to have family. And a father.”

Ethan's heart threatened to burst from his chest. He pulled her close, wrapping his arms around her and baby Sadie. The kiss he gave her promised a future full of happiness.

“What about the photo job in Atlanta?”

“I can still do it. It might mean a few weeks of travel here and there, but—” he reached out and touched her cheek “—I know my independent wife will be able to handle things while I'm gone.”

A beautiful, loving smile lit Nicki's face. “I'm not so independent that I don't know I need you in my life. Forever.”

Ethan leaned toward her, placing a tender kiss on her lips. Sadie squealed and waved her hands. “Does that mean she likes the idea?”

“Of course. She loves you.” Nicki handed the baby to Ethan. “I have something for you. I was going to give it to you before, but then I heard about the settlement, and then the fire, and, well...this is the perfect time.” She pulled a small envelope from her bag, slipped something out and handed it to him.

Ethan took the small card and turned it over. It was a photograph of the three of them. He was holding Sadie, and Nicki was smiling up at him. “When did you take this?”

“I had my dad take it last Sunday when we were at the house. It's for your wallet.”

Ethan's throat tightened with gratitude. “It's perfect. Thank you.”

“I think we make a good-looking family, don't you?”

“I think we're picture perfect.” He stood, pulling Nicki up and wrapping the three of them in his embrace. The bond he'd felt the first time he'd held Sadie had become a reality. They were a family at last.

* * * * *

Keep reading for an excerpt from HIS MONTANA HOMECOMING by Jenna Mindel.

Dear Reader,

I don't remember when I first got the idea for this book. I suspect it was from an article I read someplace, but once the idea took hold I couldn't let it go. Perhaps it was because Ethan wasn't the type of hero we usually associate with PTSD. A conflict photographer who captures one too many horrific images of war, rather than a soldier in the military.

Finding the perfect heroine for him took some work, but I think Nicki and baby Sadie were the answer. Both Ethan and Nicki endured traumatic events that left them questioning who they were and forced them to turn their lives in new directions. The Lord placed them in each other's paths to help them heal and start a new life together as a family.

I hope you enjoy this trip to Dover, Mississippi. There are more stories from the small town coming up. Please come back and visit.

You can contact me through Love Inspired Books or at
lorrainebeatty.com
.

Lorraine