Love Left Behind (25 page)

I sat up, wanting to
put a stop to Jackson's anxiety. "Jackson, there's nothing to worry about.
As long as you're happy, I'm happy. This is the start of something really great
for us. Let's not question it. Let's just enjoy it, wherever it takes us."

Jackson nodded, his
face clearing. "You're right. I'm just over-thinking things."

We spent the rest of
the afternoon not thinking about anything except enjoying the beautiful day. We
stopped by the John Lennon memorial before we left and I thought about how much
my life had changed since the first time I had stood there. Jackson and I were
in love, he was on the cusp of breaking into the movie industry and we were
moving to California. One thing that hadn't changed was the strong presence of
my father. I could feel him next to me, proud and approving of the steps I was
taking in my life.

We were in the middle
of making dinner back at the apartment when my cell phone rang. I walked to the
living room to grab my phone from the coffee table to answer it, but I
hesitated when I saw that it was my mother. I wanted to let it go to voicemail
because the last thing I wanted was to listen to her recriminations again, her
absolute certainty that I was messing up my life. But I forced myself to answer
it.

"Hi, Mom."

"Emma." I
tensed at her tone. It sounded like she was trying to hold back tears.

"Mom, what's
wrong?"

"Oh my God, Emma.
It's Sean. He's in the hospital. He tried to kill himself."

I staggered to the
couch, sitting down as I felt shock coursing through my body.

"What are you
talking about? What did he do? Is he okay?"

"He drove straight
into a tree. He's lucky to still be alive. I...I don't think he'll be able to
walk again."

I felt myself starting
to tremble as my mind reeled at what my mother was telling me. Sean, the person
who had held me while I had wept bitterly for my father, staying at the
hospital and refusing to leave me, the person who had been by my side for ten
years, always gentle and always encouraging, had tried to commit suicide. My
heart felt like it was literally shattering into pieces.

"How do you know
he tried to kill himself? He called me the other night drunk. Maybe it was an
accident."

"Emma, it wasn't
an accident. There was no alcohol in his system. He just drove straight into
the tree with no attempt to swerve. Plenty of witnesses saw it. It was out by
Troyer Way."

Tears were streaming
down my face and I cried out in pain from my mother's words. I had no doubt
that the tree Sean had crashed into was the one where I had told him I would
love him forever. I was shuddering with horror and regret when I felt a hand on
my shoulder. I looked up to find Jackson watching me with a concerned look. I
just shook my head, not knowing what to say. He crouched before me and held my
hand, not saying a word.

"Emma, I think you
need to come down here. He's asking for you. He keeps saying your name over and
over again."

"Mom, let me call
you back. I need to talk to Jackson."

My mother made a sound
of frustration. "Emma, this is the boy that you were in love with since
you were fifteen. You've known Jackson for about a minute. Get your priorities
in order."

"Mom,
please," I said, trying to reign in my impatience. I knew she was just
upset. Sean had been a constant fixture in my life since high school and she
had loved him as if he were her own son. Especially since she had expected him
to become just that once we married. "I'll call you back once I figure out
what I'm doing."

I stared silently at
Jackson after I ended the call. I didn't want to say the words out loud, didn't
want to admit that Sean had tried to end his life. When Jackson reached up to
wipe my tears away, I lost it and started sobbing uncontrollably. Jackson sat
down on the couch next to me and wrapped his arms around me, rocking me until
my body stopped shaking.

"Sweetheart, tell
me," he said softly when I had calmed down.

"It's Sean. He
tried to kill himself by driving into a tree. They don't know if he'll be able
to walk again."

Jackson exhaled deeply,
tightening his arms around me. "It's not your fault."

Jackson knew exactly
what I was feeling but he was wrong. It was my fault. I had been happily
spinning a new life for myself, complete with a new boyfriend, while Sean was
still reeling from our breakup. I had left him to come to terms of my betrayal
on his own while I acted as if I didn't have a care in the world. My worst
transgression hadn't been leaving him. It had been my lie that I never would.

"Jackson, I need
to go see him."

"I was afraid you
were going to say that," he said with a heavy sigh. I pulled back slightly
so that I could look Jackson in the eyes.

"I know this is
the worst time for this to happen, but I'll never forgive myself if I don't go
see him." I didn't add that Sean had been asking for me. I didn't want to
fuel the flames.

Jackson nodded
reluctantly. "As much as I don't like it, I understand."

"Thank you,"
I said, relieved that Jackson wasn't going to fight me on this. I should have
known that he would be understanding. "I'll join you in California as soon
as I can. It'll probably just be a couple of days."

Jackson's mouth thinned
as he looked at me. "I'm going with you."

"Jackson, you
can't! You have to be in L.A. tomorrow. You can't risk being late. They already
have your schedule set."

Jackson shook his head
stubbornly. "They'll just have to push it back. There's no way you're
going to Maryland by yourself." His face gentled as he caressed my cheek.
"And it's not just because you're going to see Sean, although I have to
admit I'm not crazy about the idea. I don't want you going through this by
yourself. It's going to be painful."

I took a deep breath as
I thought about how to approach this. I wasn't going to let Jackson risk his
big break because of me and I had a feeling guilt was the answer.

"Jackson, I
appreciate that you want to come with me. I really do. And normally I would be
grateful for the offer, but don't do this to me. Don't put the burden of you
potentially losing this role on me. You can't start demanding that they push
back your schedule before you've even started." I held up my hand when
Jackson opened his mouth to speak, stopping him. "This is hard enough for
me as it is. If you come with me, I'll just be stressed out about whether or
not they'll fire you. I don't think I can handle one more thing right
now."

Jackson frowned but he
seemed to be considering my words. "I still don't feel right about this. I
should be there to comfort you, to make sure you're okay."

"You will be, by
going on ahead to L.A. It'll be a huge comfort to know that you're there,
starting to work. It'll give me something to look forward to. Please."

I knew I had won when
Jackson's shoulders slumped. I felt bad about using guilt as a tactic, but
everything I had said was true. I could never forgive myself if I was the one
to wreck Jackson's first big role.

I was able to find a
flight to Maryland leaving that night, so I rushed to the airport in a cab
along with Jackson since he insisted on dropping me off.

"Call me when you
get there," Jackson said as we stood by the security checkpoint.

"I will. I'm so
sorry about all of this. I'll try to make it to L.A. as soon as possible."

Jackson held me tight
as he kissed me and I forgot we were in an airport as I wrapped my arms around
his neck. He kissed me fiercely, as if he were trying to leave his mark on me.
I kissed him back wholeheartedly, my blood heating as desire coursed through
me, even with everything happening.

"I love you,
Emma," he whispered when we broke apart. "Don't forget that."

"I could never
forget that. I love you too. I'll call you later."

I gave Jackson a
half-hearted wave as I went through security. The last sight I had of Jackson
before I disappeared past the barricades was of him standing by the security
ropes, looking worried and anxious.

The next day was
torture. I had arrived too late to visit Sean at the hospital after my flight
landed but I went there first thing in the morning on Sunday. My mother
declined joining me, saying that she couldn't look at Sean without sobbing. The
fact that Sean was in the same hospital as my father, the hospital where he had
passed away, made everything so much worse.

I hesitantly opened the
door to Sean's room, steeling myself for whatever I would find behind it. I
tried to hide my reaction when I walked in. Sean was lying on the bed, but he
didn't look like the Sean I remembered. Sean had been vibrant and healthy, full
of good cheer and humor. The Sean that was lying in the hospital bed was ashen
and lifeless, his sandy brown hair a stark contrast to his pale complexion.
There were bandages on his arms and scrapes along his face, and I made an
effort not to look at his still legs that were beneath the hospital blanket. He
was connected to several machines that beeped ominously and his blue eyes
looked listless, but I couldn't help but notice that they brightened when he
saw me.

"What the hell are
you doing here?" I hadn't noticed Sean's mother sitting in a chair against
the wall, but she stood when she saw me, trembling with anger.

"Mrs. Somers. I'm
sorry to be intruding. But I...I heard what happened and I wanted to see
Sean."

Mrs. Somers stalked
towards me, her fists clenched and her eyes flashing with anger. I wondered if
she was going to physically strike me. I felt sadness that this woman whom I
had been closer to than my own mother now hated me. But I didn't blame her.
Especially now.

"Get out of here,
you bitch! This is your fault. How dare you come in here like you haven't done
anything wrong!"

"Mom, stop!"

We both turned to Sean
when he spoke, his voice sounding thready and weak.

"Mom, can you
leave us alone? I want to talk to Emma by myself."

"Sean-" his
mother protested but he put up his hand.

"Mom, please. I'm
not made of glass. I'm not going to break." Sean's mouth turned down at
the corners when he considered his words, but then continued. "You're
exhausted. Why don't you go get a cup of coffee or something? I'll be
fine."

Mrs. Somers looked
unhappy but she nodded, glaring at me on her way out. I sat down in the chair
next to the bed, my hands clenched in nervousness.

"This isn't how I
imagined we'd meet again," Sean said. I saw a glimmer of the old Sean with
his self-deprecating smile.

"Me neither,"
I said with a weak smile. "Sean, I'm so sorry about everything. I know
this is my fault-"

"Stop, Emma,"
Sean said with a frown. "Everyone seems to be saying it's their fault. But
it's not true. It's my fault."

I let out the breath I
had been holding. "Are you saying that what you did had nothing to do with
me leaving you?"

Sean looked at me, his
blue eyes sad. "I can't lie and say that it didn't, even if it would save
you some pain. I haven't been the same since you left. But that's my fault. I
haven't been coping well."

"I know I handled
everything badly. I shouldn't have waited until the last minute. I should have
told you sooner. I was just too scared and cowardly."

"Did you ever love
me, Emma?" Sean looked so vulnerable that my heart ached.

"I did, Sean. But
I loved you more like a friend. I still care about you. I always will. You were
my best friend for ten years. It hurts me to think that you would..." I
trailed off, not being able to finish the sentence.

Sean looked away from
me bleakly, staring into space. "I've become someone I don't recognize.
Everything just seems so hard now. I don't know how to be happy anymore, and
that's worse than feeling pain. At least with pain, I still feel like I'm
alive. The absence of happiness...it makes me feel empty. The emptiness is
harder to bear than anything else."

Tears were running down
my face and I wrapped my arms around my waist, feeling sick from Sean's words.
The glimpse of the old Sean I had seen earlier was gone. He was wooden and
lifeless again.

"Sean, you can be
happy again. I wasn't good for you. I was too selfish, only thinking about
myself. You deserve better than that."

Sean turned to me,
looking sad. "But what if I don't want better?"

The door opened and
Mrs. Somers came back in, her face grim as she watched the scene before her.

"I think you've
been here long enough. Sean needs to rest."

I nodded as I stood,
but I was stopped by Sean's hand grabbing my wrist, his grip surprisingly
strong even in his weakened state.

"Will you visit me
again? I have a feeling I'm going to be in here for a while." Sean's eyes
were looking at me plaintively and I couldn't refuse.

"Sure. I'm going
to be in town for a few days so I'll stop by again."

Sean didn't loosen his
grip. "Tomorrow. Please come tomorrow."

I nodded and Sean
released me, leaning back against his pillow and looking exhausted. Mrs. Somers
followed me out of the hospital room, cornering me in the hallway.

"If it wasn't for
Sean, I would make sure you were banned from visiting him again. You've ruined
his life. Did you know he quit his job? He was barely able to function after
you left him, so he's living with me now. He had so much potential, so much
hope." Her eyes darkened, pinning me in place. "Don't you dare do
anything to upset him. Even with all the crap you've put him through, he still
has you on a damn pedestal."

"I'm sorry, Mrs.
Somers," I said, not knowing how else to reply to her scathing words. I
was heartbroken by the revelation that Sean had quit his job. "Is he going
to be okay? My mother told me there's a chance that he won't walk again."