Love Lessons (11 page)

“Do you know that for sure?”

“I know my dad. He hasn't changed. He's pressing my mom hard to return home.”

“I think Ian is right. Talk to him. Try to forgive him, Alexa. That's the only way you'll be free to move on. As
long as you hold your anger inside, you'll never be totally free from your father.”

“I know.” But the thought of that conversation chilled her blood.

 

After observing his daughter learn the DoSaDo step then the flutterwheel—where in the world did they come up with these names for dance steps—Ian had his doubts about not making a fool of himself. Maybe if he disappeared in the crowd of people in a circle around the floor set up in the barn for the square dancing, Jana would forget he was here. Then he remembered her challenge as she'd come off the floor with Randy with the biggest grin on her face. She didn't think he could do it. He rubbed the taut muscles along the back of his neck. The problem was, he didn't know if he could do it either.

Alexa appeared at his side. He sensed her before he glanced at her.

Her smile twinkled in her eyes. “Are you ready?”

“No, let's go for a walk. Maybe some fresh air will help.”

“With what?”

“My coordination. My…” He shrugged. “Okay. I don't like being onstage. There, I said it. My big secret is out.”

She chuckled. “I used to feel that way. But since I'm studying to be a teacher, I had to overcome it. Teachers are ‘onstage' every day.”

“So it doesn't bother you to get up in front of fifty people and do something you don't know how to do?”

“Are these people friends?”

“Yeah.”

“Then you should be all right.” She pointed to the couples heading out into the center. “I'm sure we won't be the only novices out there.”

After fifteen minutes of instruction, Ian wasn't so sure he wasn't the only novice attempting to square-dance. Even Alexa looked like a pro compared to him. He tried another run at the Chain Down the Line step and ended up spinning Alexa in the wrong direction, which caused him to face the man across from him instead of the woman.

“Okay, let's try that again,” Zachary said as he walked over to Ian and stood by him. When he began the call, he guided Ian in the right direction.

“I think I've got it now.” After Zachary left, Ian whispered, “I think he's speaking a foreign language.”

“You're doing great.”

“Yeah, if they allowed an elephant to do it. I'm sorry I stepped on your foot. At least you aren't limping anymore.”

“Okay, we're gonna try this to a song. Ready.” Zachary signaled the person running the sound system to cue up the song.

Ian completed the first move behind the others, and the rest of the song went downhill from there. By the time he promenaded Alexa down the middle, his cheeks felt like they were on fire. But he stuck with it to the very last note. The audience erupted into applause. Ian made a direct line to the fringe of the crowd surrounding the dance floor, practically dragging Alexa with him. He dived through the throng and kept striding toward the exit.

Outside in the cooler night air, he faced Alexa. “Did I do as bad a job as I think?”

The lights from inside illuminated her expression, not one sign of ridicule in it. “You did fine. You might not have noticed the others made mistakes, but everyone did. Square dancing isn't something you do effortlessly overnight. I can tell you, your daughter was clapping louder than anyone there.”

“She was?”

“Yep.”

“I felt out of control on the dance floor.”

“You don't like being out of control?”

“Does anyone?”

“True, probably not. But I learned I'm really not in control. Once I accepted that the Lord had the final say, I let a lot go.”

“So you've never felt like your life is falling apart around you?”

“Yes.” She averted her gaze, staring off into space. “When Daniel died unexpectedly my life came completely apart right after that. All the plans I'd made with him were gone. I didn't know what to do. All I knew was I didn't want to go to medical school like my father wanted. Instead of staying and making my dad see my side, I fled. Now I'm beginning to wonder if that was the best way to have handled the situation. I knew my dad would be angry and make demands I wouldn't fulfill. I think secretly I was hoping that would happen. Then the hard decisions would be taken away from me.”

Was she still in love with Daniel? That thought gave him pause. There was a time he'd loved Tracy, but she'd crushed that love. Her betrayal had hurt him. Alexa also had, in a way, been hurt by someone who had abandoned her. Was that why he felt a connection with her? Their bond scared him. And yet, he couldn't seem to resist it.

Ian took her hands and tugged her away from the entrance and a couple leaving the barn. Positioning himself against the railing of the corral, he drew her close. “What decisions?”

“What do I really want in life? How do I go about getting it? Why do I want whatever it is? What is my
purpose? I reacted without thought to Dad, and I haven't stopped to really answer those questions.”

“I thought you wanted to be a teacher.” His thumb rubbed a circle in her palm, the tingling sensations of their touch robbing him of coherent thought for a few seconds. He considered releasing her hands but didn't want to break the physical connection.

“Yes, but what do I want to do with that? Do I still want to travel the world and teach in underdeveloped countries like Daniel and I talked about? It was his dream as much as mine. I latched on to it and escaped to Tallgrass to fulfill it.”

“Do you still want to do it?”

“I'm applying for a scholarship Nancy told me about. If I get it, I'll be going to school full-time and finishing my degree two semesters early. Then I'll be placed for three years in a third world country through the group that sponsored the scholarship. This is an opportunity I've been dreaming about for years and only lately have I realized it is my dream as much as it was Daniel's.”

“Ah, I see.” So she would be leaving Tallgrass, probably by the end of the year. He had started to care about Alexa, but if he continued, he would be setting himself up to be hurt again. How could he do that to himself or Jana? “When will you know about the scholarship?”

“At the beginning of March I'll find out if I'm a finalist, then the person will be selected by the first of April.”

Six weeks. He could keep his distance from her that long. He released her hands and sidled a few feet away, as though that was his first step in severing any emotional ties that had developed since he had gotten to know her.

“I don't hear the music anymore. Maybe that means no more square dancing.” Ian moved toward the entrance into the barn.

Her laugh sprinkling the air, Alexa fell into place next to him. “So I guess you aren't gonna sign up for dance lessons?”

“I'll pass.”

He entered and looked around until he found his daughter. Jana stood with a group of kids her age. The smile on her face, so like his ex-wife's, caused him to suck in a deep breath. Anger stirred in the pit of his stomach. Jana should have a woman's touch in her life. When Alexa left them at the end of April, what would his daughter do?

What would he do? That question came out of the blue. Did he have more at stake keeping Alexa around than his daughter?

A
fter dropping Jana off at home following church on Sunday, Alexa headed to her place. As she turned onto her street, she saw her father's Lincoln Town Car out front. A heaviness sank deep into her heart.

She climbed from her vehicle and spotted her dad sitting on the top step and trudged toward a meeting she couldn't put off any longer. “Mom's gone to lunch with some ladies at the church. She won't be home for a couple of hours.”
Why didn't I go with Mom?
Beads of sweat coated her face.

Lord, I don't want to do this. What good will come from talking to him?

“I know. I called her and she told me.”

Her rising panic contracted a band around her chest, making each breath difficult. “Then why are you here?”

“To talk to you. This past week talking with your mother has made me rethink a lot about the past.”

His grave tone, coupled with his pensive expression, tightened the constriction. Alexa inhaled, and yet it wasn't enough to alleviate the sensation she couldn't get enough
oxygen. She couldn't answer him. Instead, she nodded and mounted the stairs to the front door. He followed her into the house.

Alexa tossed her purse on the coffee table and sank into a chair. Several deeper breaths and she finally asked, “What do you want to talk about?”

Her father stood for a few more seconds then selected a place on the couch across from Alexa to sit. “Us. What happened five years ago?”

She shifted, crossing her ankles one direction then the other. Finally she felt compelled to say, “It's the past. Done. Over.”

“Is it?” His gaze slid away from hers. “I was—wrong in what I said right before you left home.”

Did she hear him right? Folding her hands in her lap, she leaned forward, but she couldn't think of anything to say to his statement.

“Your mother in her not-so-subtle way has been telling me all the things I need to make amends for if I want our marriage to work.”

Anger pushed through her shock at his confession that he'd actually done something wrong. “Oh, I see. You're only here because Mom has forced you.” She rose. “I have an application to complete and not a lot of time. Thanks for coming by, but you don't need to worry about me. I'm fine.” With her hands balled at her sides, she started for the kitchen where she had her paperwork spread out on the table.

“I've hurt you again. I'm not very good at this.”

She halted and pivoted. “At what? Making me feel as though I come in second in your life? You've always been very good at that.”

“Please take a seat and listen to what I have to say.”

The beseeching look on his face nearly undid Alexa. Her
anger deflated, but she remained standing, only a few feet from the kitchen door.

“I wanted you to do what I wanted, but I'm finally realizing I should have listened to you about what
you
wanted. Your mother said she told you about my first wife, Irene, and my son who died in a car wreck. After that I swore I would never love anyone that much. I held my little boy in my arms as he died. With his death, I thought my dreams had died, too.”

Her knees went weak. Trembling, Alexa covered the distance to the nearest chair and sank onto it. The love she heard in her father's voice ripped her heart in two. She'd never heard that from him. Part of her wanted to cry at his loss; part of her wanted to wail at her loss—at the opportunity she and her father had never had.

“When I met your mother, I thought I could have the family I always wanted, but not have to give myself totally to the relationship. I've skated along for the past twenty-five years in my marriage on my terms. Your mother has informed me if I want to remain married, that will have to stop. When she left me five weeks ago, I thought she'd come back. Then she didn't. At first I was mad and dealt with her leaving in my usual way—silence.” He dropped his gaze to the coffee table, swallowing over and over. “My silence pushed you totally away, and it was going to do the same to your mother.” He fixed his attention back on her. “I'm not good at expressing my feelings. Never was, even with Irene, but with her death everything I learned from her died, too.”

A lump lodged in Alexa's throat. She put her hands on the arms of the chair and shoved herself to her feet, then closed the distance between her father and her. She hovered in front of him, not sure what to do or say as his pain poured off him and encased her.

“I never told you I loved you, but I do. My bad attempt at showing you my love was trying to control your life, to show you I cared what you did and only wanted the best for you.”

“It was your best, not mine.” Alexa sat on the coffee table in front of her dad. “As I got older, I wanted some say in my life, but you never would listen. It was your way or no way.”

He hung his head. “I know. I still think you'd have made a great doctor. You have such compassion.” He looked up at her. “Obviously you got it from your mother, not me.”

“But I didn't want to help people that way.”

“All I could see was completing the dream I had when my son was born. I wanted him to go into practice with me. We'd heal the world together. Have a practice like none other. I couldn't let go of my past, and it has nearly destroyed my future. I'm going to work to win your mother back, and if you'll give me a chance, you, too. I love you, Alexa.”

Tears leaked out of her eyes. She'd waited all her life to hear her father say that. Could she forgive him the twenty-three years of heartache at not hearing the words?

And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you.
The verse from Ephesians swamped her with feelings she had suppressed for five years—how much she'd wanted her father's love.

“Can you forgive me for what I did?” Her father grasped her hands.

She nodded. Tears knotted her throat and streamed down her face. She fell into his arms and hugged her father—really hugged him for the first time. The feelings of love and awe deluged her with a peace she hadn't experienced as her anger had grown over the years.

“I have too much pride. I let it get in the way of our relationship,” her father whispered.

She leaned back. “What are you and Mom gonna do?”

“I don't know. We've talked. She wants to work. I guess I just thought I could provide everything for my family.” He gave her a rueful smile. “And I'm discovering I haven't provided anything, really. It has been hard for me to accept. Yesterday she told me she'd only come back if she and I went to a marriage counselor.” Shaking his head, he pushed to his feet. “I don't know if I can air my dirty laundry to a stranger. I'm going back home. I've been here longer than I'd planned and I have patients to deal with. And I've got some thinking to do.”

She understood where her mother was coming from because in a lot of ways she'd been in the same situation with her father. She'd had to leave to begin discovering who she really was. Pressing her lips together to keep her opinion to herself, she rose and faced her father. “When are you leaving?”

“Right now. If I drive into the night, I can get back to see my patients tomorrow.” He came to her, his arms straight at his sides. “I didn't want to leave until I'd at least tried one more time with you. You've been hard to pin down lately.”

“I've been avoiding you.”

He grinned. “I know.” He took her in his embrace and gave her one final hug before parting. “Will you walk me to my car?”

Not a command, a request. “Yes.”

Outside on the porch he settled his arm around her shoulders and descended the steps. “I'll call you two and let you know I got home all right. But not until tomorrow morning. No sense waking you up in the middle of the night.”

“Always the practical one.”

At his vehicle he opened his door then shifted toward
her. His gaze snagged on something behind her for a few seconds then returned to her face. “I think that car is on its last leg. You should look into getting a more reliable one. I can help you if you want. Get something new.” He delved into his coat pocket, pulling out his checkbook. “I can give you a down—”

She put her fingers over his mouth. “No. When I get a new used car, it will be because I can pay for it. I appreciate the thought, but this is something I have to do for myself.”

“I'm doing it again, aren't I?”

“What? Trying to tell me what to do?”

“Yes.”

“I figure you won't change overnight. And besides, finding out your concern comes from love makes all the difference in the world to me.”

He kissed her on the cheek and slipped behind the steering wheel. “Hopefully time will break me of that habit.”

As Alexa watched her father drive away, she didn't know if he would ever completely change, but for the first time she felt optimism in their relationship.

 

“They're gonna be here soon. What if my friends don't have fun? Don't want to come over again?” Jana stood in the middle of the den, her teeth digging into her bottom lip.

The past week Jana had been a bundle of nerves as they all had prepared for her birthday party and sleepover. She'd helped Alexa fix the food for the dinner, had gone with her to pick out the cake being served and had helped select the movies to watch.

Alexa started to reply, but Ian walked into the room from the kitchen and made his way toward his daughter. He clasped her shoulders. “It's going to be fine, pumpkin.
Alexa and I will be here if you need us, but only if you need something. Otherwise, you'll have the run of the house.”

Her eyes large, Jana pivoted toward Alexa. “But aren't you helping me with the manicures and pedicures?”

“Yes. I wouldn't miss it. We can do them after dinner, but before the movie marathon.”

The doorbell chimed.

“I'll get it.” Jana raced toward the foyer with Sugar on her heel.

Ian stared at Alexa, moving closer to her. “I feel like I'm getting my daughter back. Lately she's been excited about getting up in the morning, doing activities, going riding at the ranch. Ever since you came into our lives. Are you sure you aren't Mary Poppins in disguise?”

Alexa laughed. “Hardly.”

The sound of the bell announced another arrival. Before long, six girls occupied the den, all chatting at once. Ian grabbed Alexa's hand and tugged her toward the kitchen.

“My head is already swelling with all that racket.” Ian tapped his temple as if that would shake loose all the chattering that filled it. “Did you do this when you were a child?”

“Only once. My dad didn't like having more than one sleepover. I think it did him in.”

“Have you talked with your father this week?”

“He calls every night and talks to both Mom and me. He's wearing her down. But he hasn't quite yet agreed to counseling. I think he feels it's a reflection on him that he can't solve his own problems. He's never been one to accept help easily.”

“It can be hard to admit you're wrong.” Ian leaned his hip against the counter. “At least you two are really talking.”

“Yes, and it feels right. He's actually behind me concerning the scholarship and hopes I get it. He thinks some time abroad will be good for me.”

Ian's eyes darkened. “We'd better get the food out for dinner. I do know if the others are like my daughter they'll be ravenous as soon as they stop talking long enough to hear their hungry stomachs growling.”

His expression closed down—not one emotion on his face as he turned away from her and headed for the refrigerator to get out the fixings for the tacos. She wasn't sure what to say. Ever since the Valentine's Day party at the ranch, he'd withdrawn some from her. Not that they were dating or had any kind of relationship between them other than employer/employee, but she still hated the wall he'd erected as though it were important to him to keep her at a distance. She missed their talks and camaraderie these past couple of weeks.

She took the meat Jana and she had cooked beforehand and put the glass bowl in the microwave. “My mother won't say anything to my father, but she's lonely. She's gone all the time either working or doing something with a new friend, but I can see it in her eyes when she's home. It won't surprise me if any day I find her packing her bags and returning home.”

“How would you feel about that?”

“Glad to get my house back. Sad to see her go. Hopeful that my parents might be able to work things out. In other words, mixed feelings. It's been great getting to know her now that I'm an adult, but she doesn't belong here with me. She just hasn't figured that out yet, or maybe she has and is waiting on my dad. Marriage can be so difficult.”

Ian set the shredded cheese on the counter next to the diced tomatoes. “I can attest to that.” He glanced toward the den, but the noise coming from that other room hadn't decreased. “I thought my marriage was fine, and I was totally wrong. Yes, we had problems, but what marriage
doesn't? But to find your wife gone one day and worse, have her run off with another man, makes a person take a good hard look at his perceptions.”

The beep on the microwave echoed through the room. Alexa removed the bowl and set it on the counter with the other ingredients for tacos. “If a marriage is broken, both have to be willing to fix it, not just one. It'll never work. My mother's situation has taught me that, if nothing else. If my father doesn't agree to work with a counselor, I'll have a permanent roommate.”

“Dad, is dinner ready? We're hungry,” Jana shouted from the den.

Alexa chuckled. “I guess they stopped talking long enough to hear their stomachs rumbling.”

Ian walked to the entrance into the den. “Dinner is served.”