Love Me ~ Without Regret (29 page)

“Anyway, we beat the shit out of each other for a while. I got out most of my aggression. Told him he got what was coming to him, and I left to come home to you.” I pull her down for a kiss.

“I guess I should have told you sooner. I’m really sorry about that, Clay.”

“It’s okay, I’ll let you make it up to me.” I hold her as I pop up the footrest on the recliner.

Lizzie lays mostly to the side of me, but has her legs across my lap and her head snuggled down on my chest. I love sitting here in the silence with the afternoon sun warming my face while I hold my woman. Running my fingers through her hair, I notice the glow of the sun turns the strands to an even more beautiful shade of gold. Her hair gliding through my fingers makes me feel closer to her somehow and I know she likes it because I can feel her body relax against mine. She makes soft little moans, moving slightly. This is almost hypnotic.

“Clay, I think you’re going to put me to sleep doing that.”

She sighs lazily.

“We wouldn’t want that now, would we? Where’s Oak? Shouldn’t she be home?” I ask.

“She is in a poise class until about nine so she won’t be home until nine-thirty.” She yawns.

“That gives us some alone time, doesn’t it?”

“It gives us several hours.”

“What would you say to another foot massage?” I whisper in her ear.

“It’s almost the best thing I’ve heard all day.” She lifts her head to look me in the eyes.

eighteen

Lizzie

“The one thing I feared would happen, happened,” I tell Bailey over the phone.

“What’s that, Lizzie? Are you pregnant? That’s it, isn’t it? I can’t wait to be an aunt.”

I hear the excitement in Bailey’s voice.

“Would you shut the hell up? Bite your tongue. No, I’m not pregnant. But I need help shopping today.”

“What are we buying? Is it a wedding dress? Oh, this is so exciting!” Bailey squeals.

“Good Lord! No, it’s not a wedding dress. We need a new…bed.”

“A new bed? That’s not exciting at all. What’s wrong with the old one?”

“Can we please just pick out a new one and not get into the reason why?”

“Nah, I want the details. All the juicy, raunchy, dirty details. Let me grab some popcorn and my tea.” Bailey laughs.

“We broke the bed,” I tell her in a low tone.

“How did you break the bed? This is going to be good. Wait, wait, wait. First, Clay falls out of the tub and nearly breaks his tailbone then you almost burn down a hotel. Now you demolish a bed. Lord, girl! What kind of freaky sex acts are you two doing? I may want to try some of those, too, ya know.”

“Bailey, it wasn’t anything wild or freaky. It was normal. The bed just broke.”

“This was Clay’s bed, right? His bed that is less than a year old.”

“Yes, Bailey, apparently it wasn’t well made. Are you going with me or do I need to get Aubs?” I huff.

“I’ll go. Just tell me what position you guys were in and what part of the bed broke.”

Bailey just keeps digging.

“Bailey, I’m going to tell you this one thing, and so help me if you ever bring this incident up again, I’ll happily announce at the next family picnic what you really use oranges for.” She knows I will. “It’s not like it was that exciting anyway.”

“Okay, just tell me.”

“Well, the bed just kind of split in half. He was holding on to the headboard and we were really into it when we heard a loud pop. The next thing I know we are a foot lower on the floor. Before you ask, missionary, plain Jane missionary.” It’s the truth. She doesn’t need the details like she would read in a book. Slot a fitting into slot b and throbbing members. That’s her problem. Too many books clouding her brain.

“Ugh, that’s boring, Lizzie. Tell me how he’s indebted to you forever.”

“Bailey, I’m on my way over to pick you up. I guess you haven’t been getting ready while we’ve been talking,” I say. “Plus, we need to talk about how to do Oakley’s hair and makeup. Did she send you a picture of her dress?”

“Yes, she sent me a picture. Come on over. I’ll be ready by the time you get here. We can plot about Oakley while we’re out. I’ve pinned some hairdos to a board already.”

“Be ready.” I know I’ll be waiting. She’s hardly ever ready on time.

Clay

Oakley’s never home. She’s either at some kind of prep course for this pageant or she is with Quinn. Not that this is a bad thing. It gives Lizzie and I time alone together. I love my little sister, but all of my affection toward Lizzie embarrasses her. I can’t wait for her to bring a guy home one day so I can annoy her like she does me. Scratch that thought. She can’t ever date. Not until she is out of college, and he can’t be all over her in my sight. Shit, maybe I need to calm things down in front of her. She’s actually home this afternoon. I can hear her playing her guitar.

Tonight, we are all going over to Granny and Papa’s house. They love music and Oakley needs practice in performing in front of others. I’ve been working with her for the talent portion of this pageant thing that she has going on in a few weeks. She sounds great, but this will be a great opportunity to work out her jitters. The whole Jackson family is invited to the competition, and they’re all coming out to support Oakley. This family has welcomed Oakley and me with open arms.

“Hey, Baby Girl, that sounds great,” I say, walking into Oakley’s room. “Do you want for us to run through it a few times before we go over to Granny and Papa’s house?”

“Please! Can we record it so I can listen to what I may be missing?”

“Of course we can. Is there any part that you’re worried about? You sound amazing. I’m proud of you. You know that, right? They would be proud of you, too.”

“I’m scared that I’m going to get up there and choke up.”

“I know, ‘Tears In Heaven’ is an emotional song to begin with.” I sit on the bed next to her.

“What if I start singing and think about what happened and I can’t finish the whole song?”

I know she’s talking about the death of our parents, I wish there was some way to help her get through this a little easier. “You’ve got to get in your zone, try to visualize all the negative leaving your body. Focus on the music.”

“I miss them, Clay. I miss them so much it hurts.” Oakley breaks down, her first time in weeks to let her feelings out. “I feel guilty if I go a day without thinking about them. I get mad at myself.” She lays her head on my shoulder.

“I have anger, shame, and guilt all wrapped up and tapped down. Truthfully, it’s all overwhelming.” I put my arm around her shoulders. “We’ve just been through an emotional earthquake, and the aftershocks are going to affect us for a long time, Oakley.”

“It’s too much, Clay. I don’t know if I can handle all of this.” Oakley clutches her hand and pounds her chest. “What makes you mad at them?”

“I’m furious that Dad lied to us for all of those years. I’m resentful that Mom left us, too, that she was selfish by taking her own life. She left us as a dysfunctional family. She left you without a positive female role model.” I kiss her temple and stroke her arm. “Please know you can talk to me any time, to express these feelings. That’s what brothers are for, Oakley.” She looks like a little girl again, and my heart breaks for her to have to face this, for us to have to face this.

“This pageant brings the painful feelings to the surface. It’s something I can’t share with them. I just think about how many things I’m not going to get to experience with them. I’m scared I’m going to forget something about them,” She says between gasps of air.

“Breathe, Baby Girl. I’ve got you.” I rock her. “I know they’re irreplaceable, but I’m here for you. We’re still a family, Oakley, and now we have Cash. It’s not the same, but I think we’ve got a great group of people here that love us.”

“I know.”

“I know Mom and Dad wouldn’t want us to quit living our lives either,” I whisper, soothing her and stroking her hair.

“When will it stop hurting?”

“I suppose grief takes time, and is never entirely over. We will always miss them. I think the best we can do is take one day at a time, deal with each emotion as it comes. Sticking together and having each other to lean on is the main thing.”

“I’m scared that I’m going to forget the way they laughed or things they said.”

“I know what we can do. Dad told me once when I was feeling heartbroken I should write things down. Why don’t we get notebooks and write down everything we remember?” I take a deep breath. “Everything. I mean things that seem insignificant. We can describe the colors in their eyes, funny things they would say.”

Oakley lets out a tiny, “Okay.”

“Seriously, every tiny detail. That way when we miss them, we can look back in remembrance. I figure one day we might not remember everything, but if we have things written down, we won’t be worried about forgetting.”

“Can we do something on the day?”

“Are you talking about the day it happened?” We both avoid saying the actual words.

Oakley nods, but keeps her head bowed, concentrating on her bedroom floor. She breathes in deep then sniffs and hiccups.

“What did you have in mind, Oak?” I kiss her hair. This is my baby sister. I’d do anything to help her feel better.

“I don’t know what people normally do when their parents…” She looks up, tears heavy on her lashes.

“Maybe make a memorial?” Am I on the right track?

Oakley nods. “Can we make a little garden? I’ll take care of it, Clay. At least when I’m home from college.”

“That’s a great idea, Oakley. We can get stones, like stepping stones, and have them engraved with their names and dates of…” I can’t finish, that familiar lump gets lodged in my throat.

“A bench, I would like to have a place to sit in our garden,” she adds.

“We can plan every detail together. How does that sound, Baby Girl?”

“I like it. And, Clay, I like you calling me Baby Girl like Daddy did.”

My heart erupts with love for my sister. You never know how your words affect someone. I’m thankful my term of affection comforts her. “I’m glad you do because I can’t quit calling you that. That’s been your name  ever since I can remember. Now, do you still want to rehearse?”

“That makes it sound like it’s a movie.” Oakley laughs softly. “Rehearsal.”

“I’ll get the digital recorder. You make a warm cup of lemon water and warm the areas around your larynx,” I tell her as I get up.

“Hey, do you know if Kane is coming to see me perform?”

“I haven’t talked to Kane in the last two weeks, Oaks. We didn’t exactly leave things on good terms. I sort of told him to stay away from all of us. Not that he’s ever listened to me before.”

“I’m tired of losing people from my life, Clay. I refuse to let one more person go. Kane has been your best friend for all of my life.”

“I understand that you like Kane, but I can’t accept him being in my life anymore. Oakley, he’s toxic. He disregarded my relationship with Lizzie. He continued to overstep boundaries.” I hope she can understand why I’m not letting Kane in my inner circle of trust.

“I still want him as a friend, Clay. He’s been in my corner, and he has been the one to listen to me cry when you weren’t here.”

She inserts the knife and gives it a twist. I see she has our mother’s guilt trip abilities. But I guess she is right. I’ve been consumed with Lizzie and then I was off in Tennessee dealing with Megan.

“I’m sorry about that, Oak. I’m sorry you needed me and I wasn’t here. Kane is gone. He’s quit the band and moved. He’s left the state as far as I know.”

“He told me he was thinking about moving back home.”

“Like I said, I told him to stay away from us. I don’t even like the idea of you guys being friends. Stay away from him, Oak.”

“I’m eighteen years old, Clay, and can make up my mind who I want to be friends with. You’re not my dad. You’ve got no right to tell me I can’t be his friend.”

“Oh, little sister! You will end up getting your feelings hurt by him. He will let you down. It’s not a matter of if but when it happens. When he does, remember this conversation. That way, I don’t have to say I told you so.” I leave her room before I say anymore. I can’t lock her in her room, but I sure wish for that as a possibility. I’d do just about anything to keep her away from being in his destructive world.