Lovestruck (22 page)

‘Let’s just do a selfie,’ Ellie said, kneeling next to Nanna and holding her iPhone in the air. ‘Smile for the camera.’

Click. Flash.

‘Now we’ll always have a souvenir of our time together. I’ll email it to you.’

‘That
was so kind of you,’ said Rosie for the umpteenth time, as the car nudged along the M4 outside Swindon. It was half past five and she was a little anxious that they’d make it in time, but Ellie seemed unbothered, fiddling with a phone. Rosie looked around, drinking in the leather seats, the television, the bar. But who could she describe it to? If she told Christy she’d just shrug and say Jake could have a limo of his own, if only he moved to LA.

‘My guru says you should commit a good deed every day. I reckon this was mine for the week,’ she said contentedly, stroking her completely flat stomach. ‘Did you breastfeed, Rosie? I can’t decide if it’s a good idea or not. It’s meant to be fantastic for shifting pounds but I don’t know if I could face another boob job when I’m done.’ She glanced again at her phone. ‘Oh, that’s so cool! I’ve had two thousand and forty-three retweets.’

‘Of what?’

Ellie handed Rosie the phone. ‘Of me and your nah-nah. Look.’

There, on the little screen was vital, glowing Ellie and drawn, but very obviously chuffed, Nanna.
Having fun with an old lady friend of mine
, Ellie had written.
#bekindtooldpeople

‘You’ve made my nanna go viral!’ Rosie wasn’t at all sure how she felt about this. She didn’t like the idea of Nanna being used as a publicity stunt, but then again Nanna would probably be thrilled.

The
driver spoke into the intercom. ‘Ma’am, I’m sorry but the traffic is gridlocked. I can no longer guarantee arrival in central London for half past six.’

‘Oh?’ For the first time, Ellie looked faintly alarmed. ‘How about we take another route?’

‘The motorway is blocked solid, ma’am, we can’t reach an exit. When we do, I can try that, but everyone else will have the same idea.’

‘Oh, right.’ Ellie bit on her lip. ‘Ah. OK, I’ll call Sharon.’

Sharon – on speakerphone – was clearly not happy at all to hear that her boss had gone AWOL. She politely informed Ellie there really was nothing she could do. If Ellie had allowed Sharon to plan the itinerary and accompany them, she would have made sure none of this would have happened, but never mind, yes, looking at the traffic reports they were in big trouble, because there’d been a multiple pile-up a couple of junctions ahead, and, no, regrettably Sharon had failed at her job as PA because they could not send a helicopter to land on the packed motorway and deliver Ellie to the West End in time for a seven thirty curtain-up. ‘I’m so sorry, Ms Lewis, but all I can do is notify the producers that there is a potential problem and we may have to delay curtain-up. Alternatively your understudy can perform.’

‘OK.’ Ellie had bitten one of her nails right down. ‘Tell them I’m really sorry.’

‘Of
course I will. Don’t worry about a thing.’ Sharon sounded as if she were telling Marie Antoinette to relax about stepping out on to the scaffold. ‘I’ll be back in touch.’

‘Well,’ said Ellie brightly, looking out at the static traffic. ‘Shall we play
I Spy
?’

To the audience’s understandable outrage the play went ahead with Ellie’s understudy.

Sharon called Ellie to tell her.

‘I goofed. What can I do?’ Then she’d shrugged, leaning back in her limousine seat. The driver had turned the engine off now. Around them, people were sitting on their car bonnets, chatting to each other and enjoying the evening sun. No one was going anywhere in a hurry, so why not sit back and go with the flow?

‘Are you OK about it?’ Rosie asked. ‘You seem so calm.’

‘I don’t know what’s going on, don’t know if it’s the hormones or what, but I just don’t care about anything except this little thing.’ Ellie patted her pancake stomach. ‘All my energies are invested in it. I refuse to engage with anything else – especially not all this meaningless showbiz bullshit. So I missed a performance? Will I remember that on my deathbed? That’s what my guru, Astral, always asks and she’s right. It’s all meaningless.’

‘Jake would have been freaking.’

‘Five years ago, I would have been freaking. Jake’s on the verge of the enormous time – he’s already hit the big time, so he doesn’t want to blow it. You don’t get to
be this successful without the occasional meltdown. And a core of steel.’

Rosie sighed. ‘Jake certainly has that.’

‘Anyone who makes it to the top has. You’ve got to be ruthless. Not just with other people, with yourself. I remember when I started out waiting tables until two in the morning so I could afford elocution lessons in the daytime, I knew that would give me the edge. Other girls in my drama class weren’t prepared to push themselves that hard. I lost so many boyfriends on the way, because I wasn’t at their beck and call.’

‘I think Jake loves us deep down, but at the moment he barely seems to notice us,’ Rosie said.

‘I know he loves you. I told you, he talks about you guys all the time. But he loves himself too.’ Ellie laughed. ‘We’re actors, it’s part of the job description.’

‘I didn’t really know him when I married him. We were both carried away by this tsunami. It was all so romantic. Now I wonder if he was acting.’

Ellie squeezed her hand. ‘Oh, honey. Don’t be hard on yourself. We all get carried away when we fall in love. Look at me and what an idiot I’ve been with Simon – though in a funny way it’s all worked out. When the first wave of love subsides, you just have to get to work building a raft, so you have something solid, instead of drifting around in the sea. I mean, that’s never going to happen where I’m concerned, but you and Jake can do it. You
have
done it. He’s just a little preoccupied for the moment.’

‘I
hope it is just for now.’ Rosie nibbled at a cuticle.

Ellie yawned. ‘Forgive me, honey, it’s nearly my bedtime. Let me shut my eyes for five minutes.’

It was gone ten when Rosie finally walked through her front door. The boys were asleep, and Dizzy was watching a gory DVD while simultaneously tapping into her iphone. Everything was eerily calm.

‘Everything OK?’

‘Not so sure about Jake, he puked a couple of times before he left for the theatre, but that’s normal for him, isn’t it? And the boys haven’t been too bad, though I did have to confiscate Toby’s monkey because he kept hitting his brother round the head with it.’

Rosie would normally have gone straight to bed, but she knew she’d better stay awake until Jake got home. He was going to be furious. He’d accuse her of having led Ellie astray, of trying to sabotage this already gigantic turkey even further. Rosie’s mouth was dry at the prospect of the fight that lay ahead. Rows with Jake were horrible. He could be so cutting, so cold. Why had she married someone like that? Why hadn’t she stuck with wimpy Richard, whom she’d gone out with for five months in her mid-twenties, but dumped because he’d always wanted to stay in and cook? What had she been thinking of? Now she and Richard could be living in his cottage in Muswell Hill, enjoying his gourmet dinners, curled up in front of a box set together, instead of finding herself alone night after night, surviving on
lumps of cheese, dreading her husband’s moodiness on his return home.

Her phone pinged and she grabbed it nervously. It was a text from Nanna. Rosie beamed as she read it.

Thank you so much for today, lover. Think it was truly the highlight of an eventful lifetime! I’m a star on Twitter!
Evening Post
wants to interview me. Won’t breathe a word about the love child ☺ ☺ PS Cucumber sandwiches were a bit rank, tho. Bristol deffo needs a five-star hotel.

Highlight of my lifetime too, Nanna. See u soon.***

So there, Jake
. Yes, their outing might have messed up your precious play even more, but it had made an old woman very, very happy.

She picked up the iPad. While she waited for Jake to come home, she’d see what Twitter was saying. That might prepare her a bit better for the explosion.

She put her husband’s name into search. All the usual abuse appeared.

U think ur so grate, @Jakepezz, but you is a penis. Suck mine.

As u like it, wrst play I ever saw. @Jakepezz makes me want to puke.

@Jakepezz, you think you’re all that but you’re not.

Christ. No wonder Jake was so grumpy when he had to endure this all the time. She needed to remember that.

You slate the tax dodgers, but you’re no better @Jakepezz

Here
was a retweet from some journalist or other.
Read the
Sentinel
tomorrow for startling news about @Jakepezz, the so-called ‘caring’ actor.

Rosie stared, puzzled? What startling news? But then she heard the front door opening.

She rushed into the hall. Jake stood there, looking tired, but not angry. ‘Hi,’ she said meekly.

‘So what happened?’ he asked. He didn’t sound angry either, more amused. Relief whooshed through Rosie like a brisk wind.

‘I’m sorry. Ellie just turned up and wanted to see Nanna and I had to let it happen, you know how she loves Ellie, but then we got stuck in traffic. I mean, it wasn’t my fault, I tried to get Ellie to leave but …’

‘It all worked out for the best,’ Jake said with a little laugh.

‘Sorry?’

‘It all worked out for the best. Lauren took the part and she was stellar. She got a standing ovation.’

‘But that’s brilliant,’ Rosie beamed.

‘It is. It was so much more fun working with her. Now the producers think they may extend the run with Lauren in the lead. A star has been born.’ He pulled Rosie to him. ‘So hip hip hooray. Your nanna may have totally, inadvertently saved the day. Good for Marjorie, the woman is a superstar.’

‘That’s fantastic,’ Rosie exhaled as if she were in a Lemsip ad. ‘And great news for Ellie too. She needed
an excuse to …’ She stopped herself. She wasn’t going to reveal any details of the pregnancy.

‘Bean, Bean,’ Jake crowed. ‘Something’s gone right again. God, I can’t tell you how different it was acting with Lauren. I felt like I was a rusty machine who’d been oiled. We all felt it.’ Despite his obvious relief, he still looked pale and somehow tense. Before Rosie could celebrate with him, the buzzer went.

‘Who’s that?’ Jake looked positively panicked.

‘Jehovah’s Witnesses. Leave it.’ Rosie slipped her hand under his shirt.

But there was that zuzzing again. ‘I’ll just go and see who it is,’ Jake said.

‘Oh, whatever,’ Rosie sighed as he went to the door.

‘Christy!’ he exclaimed.

‘Christy?’ Irritation rushed through Rosie’s veins. ‘What the
hell
is she doing here?’ He was buzzing her in. ‘Why don’t you tell her to sod off?’

‘It’s urgent,’ Jake said, ashen.

Rosie was filled with a burning fury. ‘Why doesn’t she give us any peace? Why can’t she just email you? Or better still, let it wait until morning.’ She strode to the door and opened it. ‘Christy, please would you go away? This can wait. My husband and I want some time on our own.’

Christy shook her head. ‘Sorry, but it’s urgent.’ She began to push past her. Furiously Rosie tried to push her back out of the door.

‘Ro, what are you doing?’

Rosie
stepped back. She couldn’t shove Christy around; she’d never behaved like this with anyone in her life.

‘I’m sorry. I know I’m a pain in the arse, that you’re never shot of me. But I just need a quick word with Jake. It’s really urgent, I swear. Really.’

They stood, staring at each other for a moment, then Rosie said, ‘OK. But please don’t be too long.’

‘Sorry, Ro!’ Christy said. Jake said nothing. ‘Shall we go into your study?’ Christy said to him. It was a command, not a question. They retreated into the David Allen Robertson wooden-panelled sanctuary.

The door shut. Rosie stood there for a second, stunned.

Slowly she climbed the stairs to the bedroom. Sod him, she fumed, as she undressed and – deliberately – dug out her frumpiest pyjamas. She dabbed his spot cream all around her face. She lay under the duvet, fuming with indignation until finally Jake poked his head round the door.

‘There you are! What the hell was going on? Why do you have to talk to Christy all the way through the bloody night?’

‘Bean,’ said Jake, sounding distinctly shifty. ‘We’re going to be up a while longer. It’s quite a big deal.’

‘What?’

‘I …’

‘Is it about this Disney deal, or going to LA? Because I’m not going. I’ve uprooted my life once and I’m not doing it again to go and live far away in a weird place
without Nanna and where I never see you because you’ll always be on set or hanging out in the Skybar or wherever it is you go and—’

‘It has nothing to do with LA. We have to work on some damage limitation.’

‘On some
what
? What’s going on?’ Rosie felt dizzy, like a diver on the top board. ‘Have you been having an affair?’

‘No! Nothing like that. Look, I’ll tell you in the morning. I’d tell you now only—’

‘Tell me now!’

Christy appeared in the doorway. Rosie glared at her. ‘Look,’ Christy said rapidly. ‘There’s a bit of an issue. The papers want to print a story in the morning about Jake’s tax.’

‘His tax?’

‘Mmm. You know Yolande does his accounts? Well, she’s found this loophole, so all your money was going in and out of some island in the middle of the Atlantic, meaning you’ve basically been paying something like three per cent tax, instead of fifty per cent. Which is why you’ve had quite a lot of surplus cash and been able to build the pool, do all this decorating and send the boys to posh schools.’

Rosie stared at them both. Her head was swimming, like that time she was coming down with flu.

‘Don’t worry,’ Christy continued hastily. ‘Jake hasn’t done anything illegal. Technically. But it’s just a bit unfortunate, as he’s been giving all those interviews
about how much he hates tax dodgers, so we’re worried he may be in a spot of trouble.’

‘How could you let your mum do this?’ She tried to sound calm, but her voice was shaking.

‘I didn’t really know what was going on,’ Jake said. ‘She just made me sign the various pieces of paper.’

‘You didn’t ask her? Fucking hell, Jake. How much more of a baby can you be?’

‘I’m sorry,’ Jake said.

Christy dived in. ‘Look, it may not make the papers. We’ve lawyers on to them now, arguing about it. They were going to put it online around now, and they haven’t, so that’s already something. And Jake and I are working on some defence strategies, should things not work out.’

‘Defence strategies. Is this fucking NATO?’ Rosie’s Bristol accent was very strong now.

‘It will be all right,’ Christy intoned. ‘I suggest you get some sleep and in the morning we’ll take a review.’

‘You sound like a zombie, Chris. You don’t sound like my … friend any more.’

‘Ro. We have a lot to get done.’ She tugged lightly at Jake’s arm and Rosie bristled. ‘Come on.’

Rosie heard them hurry back down the stairs. Someone’s phone was ringing. She stared after them in disbelief.
Tax scheme, Caribbean, Yolande. This was how they could afford so much, so quickly. This was why Jake had recently been worrying about the swimming pool and the schools. They were going to be a laughing stock; he’d never work again
.

She
knew she wouldn’t sleep a wink, and she knew in the morning she would need to be strong. Without hesitation, she walked into the en suite and took Jake’s emergency sleeping pills from his manky toothpaste-smeared wash bag. Pity they hadn’t upgraded that before this news had broken because now they never would. They were going to be poor again, poor and hated and rightly so.

She swallowed the bitter pill with a glass of water from the tap. Sleep still took a while to come, but then out of the blue it whacked her like a truncheon.

My
God, you poor thing! I read all about it in the
Sentinel
this morning. You should have had Gary to advise you; he is much more competent. Is there anything I can do to help, darling? Do you want to borrow our house in the Greek islands until it calms? Patrizia Xxx

P.S. I’d love to know more details of the scheme.