Loving Lawson (5 page)

              I knew Heath had an ego. He was always so confident, so sure of himself, and the last thing I ever did was feed it by giving him attention. So I felt like I failed that by gawking at him. But with Ryker not in the picture, what the hell else was I supposed to focus on?

              “So how’d it go?” he asked. “Baby doing alright?”

              “The check-up was good. I have an ultrasound in three weeks, and I have to pick up some pills in the meantime.”

              “What kind of pills?”

              I pulled out the piece of paper the doctor gave me and looked at the name of the pills. “Something called Elevit. It’s meant to give the baby all the multi-vitamins and minerals it needs.”

              “Oh, right.”

              And that was all the talking we could accomplish. That uncomfortable awkwardness swiftly settled in as I glanced out the window and watched the town pass by. Why couldn’t I just relax around this guy? What made Heath so unbelievably difficult to be around?

              “I’ll be seeing Ryker tomorrow,” he then said.

              I tensed in my seat. “Are you sure that’s a good idea?”

              “Yeah, I am. Don’t worry. He’s going to be cool about this.”

              I didn’t respond. I was incredibly sceptical of that, recalling the time I’d missed my period and how angry he’d been. He’d dragged me to the chemist, bought a bunch of pregnancy tests and didn’t wait until we were home to take them. Instead, he took me to a public bathroom in the shopping centre. All the while he’d been trying to reassure himself by saying that whatever the outcome was, we’d get it taken care of. That was a year ago.

              Again, that bitterness from before returned. I ended up scowling out the window, nose flared, feeling resentment toward him.

              “Allie,” Heath said softly, drawing me out of my thoughts, “stop worrying.”

              “I’m not,” I lied.

              “You should practice lying in front of a mirror more often. That way you’ll see the way your nose scrunches up and the look of denial on your face when you do it.”

              I shot him a scathing look and he laughed. “Okay, so I’m worrying. Can you blame me? Ryker’s intense when he’s unhappy about something. You know him.”

              “Yeah, he’s got a temper, huh?”

              “And he’s not going to be afraid to show you it when it comes to this.”

              “I won’t let him. So stop stressing, it’s not good for the baby.”

              I looked at him. He caught my gaze as he stopped at a red light. He regarded me sincerely, curving one side of his mouth up. He was giving me a look of reassurance that said, “Don’t worry, I got this.” While my cheeks heated once more at his attention, my body sagged with ease in my seat. He was right. I shouldn’t stress, especially when I knew I wasn’t alone in this.

             
Thank you.
I wanted to say that to Heath right then and there. I had a huge desire to just hug him tightly and cry and tell him how much his support meant to me. But I couldn’t seem to draw the words out. Especially when images of him and that girl suddenly overcame me, and all I could see was that sincere face on a body that was beyond anything I’d ever seen.

              He kept staring right on back too, and whether this was going to feed that ego of his, I didn’t care. I was too sucked in by the pull of his eyes.

              “You’re going to be alright,” he said to me, softly.

              When a honk beeped at us from behind, he broke contact and looked forward at the green light, pressing on the gas.

              On our way to the apartment, we stopped by the shopping centre and he picked up my pills and some groceries. He kept asking me what I was and wasn’t allowed to eat, making sure all the food in the cart was okay. As a result, he spent a lot of money at the check-out.

              As we loaded the bags into the back of his truck, I said, “I’ll keep trying to apply for a job, even if it’s part-time. That way I can help out with the groceries and rent. It’s not fair on you to buy all this stuff for me too.”

              Heath shook his head. “Afraid that’s not happening, Allie. You need to focus on school after the summer break and I’ll take care of the rest. I was serious when I said I’m in this with you. So relax and whatever you need I’ll get.”

              I watched him closely as he said those words, trying to detect any hesitation in him. But he was completely at ease, believing in his words wholeheartedly. This guy was really trying, and he wasn’t even one bit entitled to. The pregnancy hormones must have been going hard because I was suddenly fighting back tears.

              When we got back to the apartment, we put away the groceries and he started on dinner. I lingered around him, back against the counter with my arms crossed as he boiled potatoes and put two steaks into a heated pan. My brows shot up in surprise as he effortlessly tossed in some olive oil and herbs.

He glanced at me and smiled at my expression. “What?”

I shook my head. “Nothing.”

“Liar. Out with it, Al.”

I shrugged. “I didn’t peg you for a cook. You and Ryker always have take-out.”

“Yeah, well, now I’m on a budget. Take out will be a thing of the past.”

“Because of me, right?” I fought the frown on my face, looking at him hard.

He turned his body around to face me and shot me that charming smile again. “Yeah, it is, but you know what? This is good. Do you know how hard I have to work out every night because of the junk I put in my body? There’s a positive to everything.”

“Yeah, I guess, but you still haven’t answered me about your cooking skills.”

He chuckled, grabbing the tongs to flip the steak over. The smell was absolutely divine, making my stomach grumble loudly. “Mom taught me a lot before she died,” he said reflectively. “I was interested in food. Was a chubby little bastard.” When I laughed at that, he shrugged. “Yeah, yeah, it’s funny I guess.”

“And impossible to imagine.”

“Well, because I loved food and Mom would work away some nights, I had to learn to cook my own shit.”

I bit my lip thoughtfully. “You know, Ryker told me about this. Said you made burnt mac and cheese for him while you lived it up eating hot dogs –”

“I never said anything about being a good brother,” he cut in with a cheeky grin. “We were talking about cooking, not Ryker, but on that note, the little shit deserved it.”

I laughed. “What did he do to deserve it?”

Heath just raised a brow, looking ominous now as he pulled out two plates and set them on the counter. “More like what didn’t he do to deserve it? Come on, Allie, you know what he’s like. Need I say more?”

I nodded after a moment of deliberation. Ryker was never easy, and I couldn’t imagine what a terror he’d been as a brother. There were some things as a boyfriend he’d enraged me by, mostly involving his temper and his need to have his way. Just thinking about it made me feel disappointed in myself. Why was it in hindsight you could see the cracks in a foundation you’d have otherwise thought was solid and smooth?

I helped Heath set the table. He served mashed potatoes and steak with gravy. We sat down and ate, and it was the tastiest food I’d had in months.

              Afterwards, we lounged on the couch and watched some television. Heath fell asleep sometime along the way while I spent most of the night agonizing over how Ryker was going to take the news.

Heath

I waited in the visiting room for a few minutes. The room was crowded with prisoners talking to their loved ones. I even spotted a kid or two. I tried to envision a small Ryker running around here, and the thought made me feel like I’d swallowed a bucket of needles.

              What a sad few years that would be. But the kid wouldn’t really understand what was happening, right? Maybe it would be okay. After all, by the time Ryker got out and put his life back together, the kid might not really have been aware of what had happened. That was a good, positive thought to have, albeit naïve as hell.

              When I finally spotted him walking in with an angry looking prison guard by his side, my being froze at the shiner and split lip he was sporting. His dark hair was longer, his frame thinner, his skin less tanned. Despite all that, he smiled at me, and I stood up to give him a big hug. He was as tall as me, but not as wide. I felt like I was hugging air by the amount of weight he’d lost, but I didn’t let my concern show on my face.

              “How the fuck is it going, bro?” he said, patting me hard on the back.

              “Yeah, man, it’s going,” I replied.

              We sat down and the guard took a few steps back, giving us space to talk. I looked about his long face and thin frame, and he was studying me just as interestedly too.

              “You alright?” I asked, trying to downplay the bruises because Ryker was all about being tough, and if he thought you were pitying him in some way, he’d shut down and get aggressive.

              He shrugged like it was nothing. “Yeah, man. I’m good. The bruises? Just a scuffle. Lot of fucking fighting in this place, but you know me. I hold up good. Can’t knock the Lawsons down, right? Fucking impenetrable.”

              Not likely with the bruises, but I nodded anyway. “Yeah, man. How about the food, though? You seemed to have slimmed down a bit.”

              “Some of it tastes like ass. I’m picky.” Another lie.

              I laughed lightly, and I hoped he didn’t hear how fake it sounded. “Yeah, I know.”

              He began to fidget. Small talk was clearly over. He scanned the room before leaning over the table. His eyes bore into mine and a serious look suddenly accompanied him. I knew what was coming. I could feel the shift in the air. The desperate kind.

              “You been talking to Allie? We had a fight after I got arrested. She tell you that? Said we were done. I don’t know how serious she was. She hasn’t come around yet, and I’m really fucking losing my shit without her. Not a word from her, Heath, and it’s doing my head in, you know?”

              I nodded. “Yeah.”

              “I just…” He exhaled and shook his head. “I love that girl, and I need her to be here to see me. She’s all I think about. Tell me you’ve seen her.”

              “I have actually.”

              His eyes widened and that desperation grew. “Yeah? How’s my baby doing?”

              I didn’t respond for a moment. Fuck, this was hard. How was I going to do this? I couldn’t look at him. I looked over his shoulder, eyeing the guard for a moment. It took seconds for Ryker to sense something was amiss, and the look of fear on his face fucking killed me.

              “Tell me she hasn’t moved on,” he begged, his voice tightening. “Man, don’t look at me like that, Heath. Tell me she’s waiting for me.”

              I swallowed hard. “Yeah, man, it’s not that…”

              His shoulders relaxed a little. “Is she waiting?”

              “She… She’s got a lot on her shoulders, Ryker, and you need to know about it.”

              His brows came together. “What do you mean?”

              “I mean you need to put aside whether she’s waiting for you or not because she’s got other problems –”

              “Like
what
, Heath? Just out with it.”

              I licked my lips slowly, carefully saying, “She came to me. She’s pregnant, Ryker. Her crazy ma kicked her out of the house when she found out. Apparently went all psycho on her, told her never to come around unless she wanted to be saved or some shit. She needed a place to crash, and I gave her your room. She saw the doctor yesterday. Nine weeks pregnant and got a twelve week ultrasound coming up next.”

              Ryker was still as stone. His face was void of emotion as he stared at me hard like he wasn’t comprehending what I’d just told him. It was painfully silent for a few moments.

              “Pregnant?” he finally uttered out.

              “Yeah, but I got it all figured out,” I quickly reassured him, leaning over the table to rest my hand on his shoulder.

              He didn’t acknowledge my touch. Instead, his eyes glazed over and the shock continued to show in him. “Nine weeks?”

              “Yeah.”

              Come on, Ryker, snap out of it.

              He did, but it wasn’t in a good way. He shrugged my hand off of him and rubbed his face in exasperation.

              “Nine weeks,” he repeated before looking at me. “That’s enough time to get it taken care of, right?”

              I pressed my lips down hard and didn’t respond. Really? This was the first fucking reaction he was giving me upon hearing the love of his life was pregnant?

              “She’s still got time,” he continued. “You gotta tell her to get it done, man. Don’t let her get a fucking ultrasound. That shit will make her attached –”

              “She’s not getting an abortion,” I icily interrupted him, feeling my back stiffen at the anger that was coursing through me. “Wanna know why? Because I talked her out of it.”

              Ryker glared at me now. “Talked her out of it? The fuck you on about? This is our business, not yours.”

              I gritted my teeth. “Ryker, listen to yourself, this a fucking kid we’re talking about –”

              “A kid that I can’t look after or protect,” he cut in, raising his voice. “I’m not going to have some prison baby. That kid doesn’t deserve that. And once I’m outta here, what the fuck kind of life can I give it? I’d be a fuck up daddy with no good job prospects.”

              “We’re talking about your kid here –”

              “Fuck the kid! I care about Allie. I care about
her
future. Not some fucking mistake we made.”

“You don’t mean that.”

“Look, Allie’s got a bright life ahead of her. She’s smart. She’s got college soon. She studies hard, and she’s got so much potential. I see fire in her. Always have. It’s one of the things that drew me to her, and I’m not ruining that by making her have a kid. I’m not making her some ghetto mother –”

              “She wouldn’t be a ghetto mother,” I fired back, balling my fists. “Fuck, Ryker, have some compassion. You know Mom was pressured to abort us? The fuckheads in her life didn’t want us, but she went on through and she had us. I want the same for this kid.”

              “But it ain’t your kid!” he howled back, causing some heads to turn our way. “And look how we ended up anyway! Fucking broke as hell all our lives. No daddy around, just a bunch of violent fuck-ups that ruined her life. So don’t be preaching that keeping a fucking kid means it’s giving it a good life –”

“It means it’s giving it a shot!”

“Look, I understand where you’re coming from, bro. I admire that. I know you’re against it, and hell, maybe one day you’ll face the same decision with a chick you dig. But this is
my
business,
my
woman,
my
mistake. You don’t have a say.”

              I shouldn’t have said it, but fuck I was angry when I retorted with, “Yeah, well I’m on this side of the table, aren’t I? A free man has more of a say than one who isn’t. And judging by her indifference to you, I’d say she
isn’t
your woman.”

              In just a second his anger broke, and his eyes watered.

“Fuck you, Heath,” he hissed, pained by my words. “That’s low.”

I didn’t reply for a moment. I sighed as the guilt built inside of me. That
was
low.

“Shit, Ryker,” I whispered regretfully, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it like that. Fuck, I just got angry.”

He shrugged, looking down at the table without a word.

“Now you’re right, it’s
your
mistake, but you need to be a man and accept that this pregnancy is happening. Allie’s going through with it. Whether you’re in it or not, she’s going to do this, with or without your support.”

Still no word from him, but his body was tense. This wasn’t how I intended for this to go. I’d hoped to speak some sense into him, not have an argument that left him feeling like shit. I should have chosen my words more carefully. Fuck, maybe he was right about everything and it wasn’t my business. I had just inserted myself in their issues, didn’t I? I’d had no right to, either.

“Is she done with me?” he asked, a hollow look on his face.

“It’s not my place to answer that,” I said, hating myself for letting that out.

“Just give me one, man. I’m begging you.”

Fuck. “I… I don’t know, Ryker. That’s the honest truth, okay?”

His eyes were red with unshed tears. In that moment I realized just how much he really loved her. This was a goddamn mess. His heart was on the table. I could see it bleeding out hope.

“Man,” I let out, with a shake of my head, “why did you do it, Ry? Why? Everything was going well. You had her. You had work. You had friends. You had me.
Why
did you do it?”

He licked his bottom dry lip and blinked hard to keep the tears back. “You don’t want to fucking know, bro.”

“What don’t I want to know?”

“You don’t want to know the shit I stirred out there. It’s not something I’ll be able to get out of here and walk away from.”

I stared at him hard, trying to understand. “What did you get yourself into?”

He didn’t answer. He looked around again, those lips shut, his expression pained. I wanted to shake him and demand what the fuck he was talking about!

“Ryker,” I pressed.

“Doesn’t matter,” he whispered. “It doesn’t involve you.”

“You’re my brother. You’re my friend. You’re my blood. Whatever happens to you involves me. I love you, man. You know that.”

He nodded.

Minutes went by. The silence was killing me. I wanted inside that damn head of his. I wanted to understand everything. But that opportunity passed on by. I knew it by the look in his eyes. He was going to end the conversation and retreat back into the secretive shell of his.

“Whatever happens,” came his quiet, defeated voice as he locked his brown eyes to mine, “just look out for her, bro. You’re the only one I trust out there. The only one, Heath. And if you think she can do this, then that’s fine. I’ll… learn to accept it somehow. All I ask is you keep her safe and looked after, and I know that’s a lot to ask, but I swear to fucking God I’ll come out of here and kiss the fucking ground you walk on because she’s all I have. She’s all I need. She’s everything to me, Heath. So please…”

My throat locked up tight. My eyes felt raw with the need to cry, but I managed to hold myself together. It wasn’t right. This whole situation was fucked up. I shouldn’t be coming to a prison to see my brother. Despite the secretive bullshit he’d gotten involved in, he didn’t deserve this. How the fuck could I have thought otherwise? This was punishment enough. I wished I could throw him a key, set him free and watch him change. Because I truly believed he would. He would grab that second chance with everything inside of him and turn his life around.

“You don’t even need to ask,” I choked out with a firm nod. “It’s done, brother.”

*

Allie was sitting on the couch eating a bowl of ice cream when I walked into the apartment. She turned away from the trash show she was watching and immediately straightened her back at the sight of me. She was wearing one of Ryker’s huge motorcycle tops and his sweats. Her hair was up in a messy bun, her blue eyes wide as they met mine.

              My chest stirred. I’d never walked into my place to find a woman who’d made herself at home like this. Whenever she had been around, she’d either have been in Ryker’s room with him, or ignoring me with a passion.

We never meshed.

I used to think she hated me. But now I knew she was just shy.

She set the bowl down and clasped her hands together. I could see the anxiety in her. She’d been waiting around for me. For this.

              I set the keys down and took a seat next to her. She smelled like Ryker and I didn’t like the smell on her. I shook my head at the stupid knotted feeling inside of me and turned to her nervous face. God, she was pretty, wasn’t she? All doe eyed and frightened. It was a subtle attractiveness that grew until it was in your bones and you couldn’t look at her without feeling it. The less obvious kind of beautiful was the most dangerous, I realized. Because it made you want to keep looking, keep seeing that beauty, until every inch of that face was burned in you.