Loving Siblings: Aidan & Dionne (26 page)

“
What are you thinking about, Dionne?”
he asked softly.

She didn’t hear him. She was too far away
with her thoughts, caught in a prison of immense confusion and
guilt, because with painful clarity of mind, she realized
she
was the one who had made this
all happen.
She
was the one
at fault. Aidan was blameless.
She
after all,
was the eldest and supposedly the
wisest between them. And she failed him as a mentor, as his big
sister . . . as a woman.

Worst of all . . . she failed herself.

Then she heard the door close behind him as
he left, and only then did she raise her head, and she realized she
was weeping when tears rolled down her face. With trembling
fingers, she quickly wiped them away, and got up before she
disappeared in her bathroom.

She
started
this . . . and she would have to see it to the
finish
.

**~~**

Final
Chapter:
In Their Own Words

How long ago has it been? It feels like a
dream I once had long, long ago. It was a recurring bad dream I’ve
now been able to wake up from, and what I’ve been able to escape .
. .

After Aidan and I made love that fateful
afternoon, I recall not being able to look at him. I recall never
having felt so timid, so weak, and as insecure as I did that day. I
was so torn. So conflicted.

On one hand, I had wanted to jump off the
bed and run for the hills because of the pain I knew I’d inevitably
have us suffer. On the other hand, I wanted nothing more than to
shout it from the top of my lungs that I loved him, too, and that
the world and everyone in it could go to hell just as long as we
were together.

I had wanted to chase him down, throw my
arms around him, and hold him as tightly as he’d held me because I
knew, after having experienced his sweet and tender love-making,
Aidan, my adopted brother, would forever be my one and only
love.

Everything inside me rebelled against my
choices from there on out. I kept telling myself I had to listen to
my better angels. But I won’t lie. It was so hard. So hard. I knew
he was worried about which university he wanted to attend, and I
knew we couldn’t keep living under the same roof, pretending
nothing had changed.

I didn’t want to put anymore undue pressure
on him or myself. I knew I should have stopped being with him that
afternoon, but I found myself on auto pilot, allowing my emotions,
back then, to guide me.

In retrospect, no matter how painful, my
choice proved to be what we both needed.

We had continued with our secret love up
until the time Aidan was accepted to Rice University in Houston,
Texas. They had the best curriculum for architecture. He didn’t
want to go that far away, but I helped changed his mind. Using his
love for me, I worked him until he finally changed his mind and
accepted the scholarship.

Aidan had always wanted to be an architect,
and I knew Rice University was where he should be to achieve his
lifelong dream.

I really didn’t want him to go, either. I
really didn’t. But then I remembered Mom telling me when I was a
child, love was all about giving. Not taking. If I truly loved
Aidan the way he deserved, I couldn’t stand in his way of
fulfilling his dreams.

However, knowing Aidan, he wouldn’t leave me
if I didn’t persuade him in some way. But no matter what I had
tried in order to convince him to go, he wouldn’t. Even when he had
received full scholarship to Rice, he didn’t seem the least bit
interested, so I had to work on him.

But it wasn’t easy.

Aidan, being the possessive type, wouldn’t
trust me to be away from him. He would have either wanted me to
come with him, or he just wouldn’t go. I knew I couldn’t let either
happen. I knew I would be standing in his way and I’d be a
diversion rather than an asset to him and his future. The pressure
would ultimately do us both in. I couldn’t do that to him or to
myself.

For a short but sweet time, when we
were lovers, I felt beautiful. I felt worthy. And I felt all these
things with Aidan, and
only
Aidan. He was the only person in my life I’d ever felt
closest to. He was the only person in my life I have ever trusted,
and through whom I’d lived vicariously.

When we were younger, and he was invited to
the exotic vacations with well-to-do friends, from trips to the
Catalina Islands, to a week at Aspen, to Spring Break in New
Orleans, I was there with him, too. Every step of the way.

I was too shy to do these things on my own,
but Aidan did it all, and when he told me about his adventures, I
experienced them all with him. I could feel his joy and excitement
as much as he felt them. But the most touching moments were when he
would quietly confess he’d missed me all throughout.

I was happy to listen to his adventures.
They brought excitement in my otherwise ho-hum life, but after we’d
made love that fateful evening, I knew things had changed. Our
relationship had changed. Even after the many times I went down to
his room to be with him after that evening, I never shook off that
sense of dread that I was doing him more harm than good.

When I began to notice he wasn’t the least
bit interested about going to Texas anymore, I knew it was time to
help him over the threshold into adulthood, as he helped me over
into womanhood. And I used his love for me to do it. Even though it
was quite possible he would never forgive me for that trick, I knew
he would one day, at least, understand.

I’ve always been afraid of change, so this
scheme terrified me. Yet, it is a statement of fact that you can’t
turn back the hands of time. I was older and it was expected of me
to be wiser. So I had to find a way to make him go to university
even if he refused to.

I recall that evening when I made that
choice. I believed Aidan had gone to see Shawn who was having
trouble with his car again. I was at home, relaxed, with my arms
folded behind my head, sitting in my bay window.

I’d just showered because it had been
such a hot and sweaty day, and I knew I’d go downstairs and be with
him tonight again. But making love with Aidan was the furthest from
my mind at that moment. I was troubled, staring out of my window
while thinking things over because I discovered I had a lot to
think about. A
lot
.

From my high perch, I had stared at the
lights of downtown Pasadena in the distance. They were winking at
me, as if to give me courage to make the choices I knew I had to
make. I could see the headlights of cars driving over the 210
Freeway, and I could even spot the Santa Anita Mall and the Santa
Anita Racetrack, knowing Aidan was out there somewhere close, with
Shawn, who lived in that area.

I don’t know how long I had been there,
alone with my thoughts, but I was awakened from them when a brief
knock sounded on my door.

“
Dionne?” I heard Mom’s gentle
voice.

She was standing in the doorway with her
pearl white sweater over her shoulders. I remember that sweater. It
was the one she always wore when she and Dad were planning to go
out for the evening. Even to this day, although she’d since bought
a newer one, she’d always wear that pearl white sweater whenever
she and Dad went out for an evening.

“
Yes, Mom?”

“
Helmut is downstairs in the living
room. Did you forget he’d be coming today?” she asked.

“
Oh, um, I guess I did forget,” I
recall answering.

I wasn’t sure if that were the case, but
with so much on my mind those days, it wasn’t inconceivable for me
to forget things like that. It turned out I didn’t forget. There
was no date. Helmut had defied his methodical ways, and came to the
house unannounced.

Mom had followed me down the stairs as I
wondered why Helly was there.

“
Dad and me are taking your brothers
and sisters to the new Miniature Golf Course that just opened in El
Monte,” Mom said behind me. “Maybe you two would like to come,
too?”

“
Maybe next time,” I recall answering.
I really didn’t want to go out. “Helly and I need to talk,” I added
just as I finished the stairs, stepping onto the wooden floor of
the main hall.

At that very moment, I recall Aidan had
stepped out of the door of his basement room. My heart had skipped
a beat because he looked so painfully handsome in his black and
white extended collar shirt over a pair of black denims.

I had no idea he was home, but as if my
prayers were answered, I found the answer to my dilemma when it was
clear I needed to have him home because the plan I saw unfold in my
mind, the one to convince him to go to Texas, came to me on a
silver platter.

I smiled quickly and he smiled back. I could
see he was a bit perturbed Helly was there, but I didn’t have much
time to linger on that. I turned on bare feet, and went into the
living room to greet Helmut. Mom stayed back to inform Aidan they
were going to take the younger kids out, and asked him, too, if he
wanted to join them.

I didn’t hear his answer as I entered the
living room. I had hoped he wouldn’t. We needed to talk. But first,
Helmut.

“
Hello, Helly!”

Helmut had been eyeing yet another one of
Aidan’s swimming trophies, but he turned when he had heard my
chipper greeting. I recall being astonished by the way he was
dressed. In addition to visiting unannounced, he was dressed more
casual than I’d ever seen him.

He chose a casual, white pair of men’s
shorts with a broad blue stripe down the sides, and a white golf
shirt that was tucked into the waist. Sport socks and white Nikes
completed his unusually casual ensemble.

What was going on with him?

“
A new look?” I had commented, not
accustomed to seeing Helmut in anything other than slacks and dress
shirts.

“
Do you like it?” he asked as he
smiled with twinkling, and hopeful, gray eyes.

“
Yes.” I smiled. “You really do have
nice legs. You should show them more often.”

I had led the way to the dining table the
family rarely used unless it’s for special occasions. I had a
feeling this would be a special occasion, too. We took our seats,
and I recall looking curiously at him.

“
Help me here, Helly, but did we have
a date tonight that I’d forgotten about?”

“
Um, no.” He shook his head. “I just
thought, maybe you’d like to take a drive to Santa Monica tonight
and visit the pier? They’ve added a roller coaster.”

“
Ooh,” I recall laughing. “We both
know how much I love roller coasters, don’t we?”

He chuckled, nodding his head, knowing how I
was terrified of those rides.

“
Well, I thought . . . knowing how you
think the beach looks romantic by night, you’d probably like to go
there tonight.”

“
This is a surprise,” I recall
noting.

“
Well, there’s something I need to ask
you,” he had said. There was an earnest tone there.

I had felt my smile freeze on my face. He
had smiled, seemingly oblivious, if not blind, to my astonished
reaction.

“
I mean,” he had continued to say,
“we’ve been going out for about three years now, Dionne. And well,
I’ve gotten my internship with Loma Linda Hospital. The ER. And I
was thinking—well, I’ll tell you all about it once we get to Santa
Monica.”

“
I-I’d love to, Helmut, but I
can’t.”
I really needed a quiet evening
alone at home to be with Aidan. I’d have all the time I needed to
carry out my plan to convince him to take the scholarship at
Rice.
“Maybe another time?”

Helmut had a heavy frown on his brow. He
looked troubled. Even frustrated.

“
What’s wrong?” I had
asked.

I can still feel the fright I felt then when
he answered with a question of his own. “Dee,” he began, “what
exactly is your relationship with your brother?”

“
Which one? I have five, you
know.”

“
You know which one I mean.” He looked
cross. “Aidan.”

“
What is this about,
Helly?”

“
At the moment?” He quirked blond
brows. “It’s about you trying to avoid answering my question. And I
have to tell you, this is making me nervous. I might be wrong here,
and feel free to correct me if am—and I
hope
I am—but I feel we’re drifting apart. I’m
wondering if it has anything to do with him. So that’s why I’m
asking. I want an honest answer. I’ll take whatever you tell me as
the god-honest truth.”

“
O . . . kay,” I recall
saying.

“
Okay,” he had said before he took a
deep breath. “Is there something going on between you and
Aidan?”

I had wanted to tell him no. I had wanted to
assure him that he was the only one for me. I had even wanted to
tell him I’d love to move with him to Loma Linda where he now had
his internship because it would have made things so much easier on
me. And I had wanted to tell him I had asked around, and I could
easily get a transfer from Santa Teresita Hospital to Loma Linda
Hospital anytime I wanted.

But I never told him any of these things
because I knew I didn’t want to do any of those things. He had
asked me for the truth. He deserved the truth no matter how painful
it would prove to be. I had looked at his handsome face, and I had
looked into his worried gray eyes, and I felt my own eyes burn with
tears.