Luke's Absolution (The Colloway Brothers Book 3) (26 page)

I
feel
her presence before she speaks.

I don’t want her here.

I don’t want to talk.

I don’t want to think.

I don’t even want to
be
.

I just want to wallow. At least I’m not drunk, so that’s a start.

“How are they?” I croak.

She hesitates before answering. I know she’s angry with me. Fuck,
I’m
angry with me. “They’re doing well, actually. They’re weaning them from the warmers and they should be able to come home in a day or two. Grant’s doing a little better than Cash. He’ll probably be released tomorrow if he can make it through the night without his body temp falling.”

Grant
. Only minutes ago when I arrived at the hospital and saw baby boy two’s name had been changed to Grant, I had to choke back my emotions.

“He’s a fighter,” I mumble absently. “They both are, like you.”

“Luke, what are you doing?” she sighs.

When I talked to Conn earlier and he told me the babies were still in the hospital, there’s no way I could stay away. This part of the NICU has stars painted all over the walls and Grant and Cash have their own private little quarters. I stand at the thick glass door, unable to take my eyes from the tiny humans inside housed in their own little tropical bubbles.

My brother’s boys.

Twins, like Gray and me.

Pure.

Innocent.

Beautiful.

Blissfully unaware of how life can royally fuck you over.

“I wanted to see my nephews. Make sure—”

“That’s not what I mean and you know it,” she scolds. “You’ve been MIA for five days. Five fucking days, Luke. How utterly selfish of you for so many reasons, but I’m too damn exhausted to start listing them off.”

“Livia, don’t.” I snap. “You have no fucking idea what I’m going through.”

“And neither does anyone else because you won’t tell us. You just up and disappeared. We’re your family, Luke.
Family
. And family doesn’t do what you’ve just done to us. What you’ve done to Addy, for God’s sake.”

She’s right. They don’t.

But
I
do.

I run.

I hide.

I shove the pain deep so I don’t have to deal with the anguish in my soul. The anguish that’s blacker and thicker and even more acidic than it was before I walked out on Addy.

My color. My very lifeblood.

I miss her so damn much I can hardly take a breath; my body is oxygen starved. My cells cry out for more and I try to obey, but I can’t. It’s physically impossible to draw in any more air. Is this what it feels like to drown? A crushing, unbearable pain in your chest, your head, your organs? It’s a slow, horrible, gut-wrenching death and I’m its prisoner, held tightly in its unyielding grasp. Unable to escape.

Livia stands beside me, quiet now. We both watch her children sleeping. Grant’s starting to stir and I long to hold him and shield him from any suffering life may bring him. It’s amazing how much I love these little beings who aren’t even mine. I can’t even fathom the love I would have for my own children, which is a chance I may never get given how massively fucked things are right now.

“I’m sorry,” I tell her.

“I know, you know.”

She doesn’t know shit because I don’t share my burdens. I shoulder them alone, protecting those I love.

“What do you know, Livia?” I’m tired. So tired. I don’t have the strength to be an asshole right now. My head still pounds and my stomach still churns, courtesy of spending the last five days in a poison fog.

“About Peter.”

My head whips to her; she doesn’t turn my way.

I haven’t seen Livia since the birth. I haven’t seen her hold her children or coo to them or sing to them. I haven’t seen the pure, raw, passionate connection she has with them. But as she continues to stare at her babies with unconditional love in her eyes and unfettered happiness shimmering around her, my twin’s words slam into me.

I nearly break down and sob.
I
gave her this. I gave her life so she could create life and the soul-eating darkness I feel lightens somewhat.

I take a deep breath and it’s a little easier this time. “Did Gray…?”

“Gray and I haven’t talked about him in months, so whatever secrets you’ve shared with him remain safe. Even though we’ve never spoken of it, I’ve always known what you’ve done for me, Luke and…” She swallows, her voice cracking when she starts again. “I know how much it weighs you down. I know it changed you and I’m sorry for that. But I’m not sorry to be alive. I’m not sorry to have something of my very own that I thought I’d never have and if that makes me a horrible person, then so be it.”

My eyes burn. “I’m not sorry. I’d do it a million times over for you, Livia. For Gray. For Grant and Cash.”

She finally turns to me with watery eyes. “Then forgive yourself. Please, I beg of you. Let go of whatever guilt you’re carrying around inside so you can be free. Happy. It’s time.
Please
, Luke. Please.”

Livia knows nothing of the last one hundred and twenty hours of hell and the fact that I am encumbered by more than one heavy burden, but I wouldn’t be able to keep my tears from spilling if I tried. I pull her in for a hug, absently wondering where Gray is and if I’ll get a fist to the jaw for touching his wife. I don’t fucking care. I’ll take it. Right now I’d even welcome it.

When Addy slept at my mom’s house over Easter, we talked long into the night and she implored me to tell my family about the secret I carry like a two-ton boulder. Not just for me; for them as well. She said the only way to slay my demons was forgiveness and purging, but I was steadfast in my decision. Just like I have been for the last fourteen years.

Bigs was right when he called me out on my canned bullshit answer. I didn’t mean it anymore yesterday than every other time I’ve said it, yet suddenly everything becomes so very clear to me. Like the sun peeking over the horizon at the start of a new day, casting its bright rays to light all that was dark only moments before.

I do need to purge.

Everything
. To Addy. To my family.

I need to forgive myself for my own sins and let go of those that aren’t mine to bear. I know what I need to do and it will be one of the hardest conversations I’ve ever had in my life.

“I fucked up.”

“Big time,” she retorts smartly.

I chuckle, kissing her head and wiping my face before I let her go.

“Will she talk to me?”

“I don’t know, Luke. She’s confused and angry and hurt and she has every right to be. When Gray left me for those few days, it was the worst form of torture. You
know
that. You witnessed it firsthand and yet you turned around and did the same damn thing to her. You know how stubborn she is. She’s had a lot of people hurt her in her life and right now she sees this as almost an unforgivable wrong. You left without any explanation. Most of all, you didn’t trust her.”

“I know. It was wrong. I was just…
fuck
. There are things you just don’t understand, Livia. Things about my past. Things I’m not ready to talk to you or Gray about yet. I know I need to. My past and my present kinda collided and it threw me for a loop.”

“I don’t pretend to know what you’re talking about. What I do know is that you need to try to find a way to make this right with Addy. Then worry about your brothers. She’s had a lot of guys screw her over. She’s skittish and untrusting and she’s more pissed than I’ve ever seen her, but she’s also crazy in love with you. I know it. I’m sure you’ll find a way to get through to her. Eventually.”

“Right. Do you know where she’s at now?”

“Probably her studio. I think she’s been practically living there to take her mind off things.”

I nod. “Thanks, Livia. For giving me the kick in the ass I needed.”

“You’re lucky I didn’t take your balls.” She smiles.

I chuckle lightly. “I think those babies have created a wicked streak in you.”

“God, tell me about it. It’s the pregnancy hormones. They’re still making me crazy.”

“About time you showed up,” an angry grumble rains down on me from behind. “In addition to the stress of my newborns being in ICU, you’ve managed to make my wife cry every night by pulling your goddamn Houdini act, Luke.”

I take one more look at my beautiful, tiny nephews before facing my livid twin, who now has his wife ensconced in his arms. “I have to go. I need to talk to Addy.”

“You have some fucking explaining to do, Luke.”

“You’re right, but my woman is going to be the first to hear it. So if you’ll excuse me, I need to go find her.”

I’m halfway down the hall when Gray’s voice halts me. “Luke.” I don’t turn. “Everything okay?”

I still don’t know how I’m going to deal with the fact that my father’s mistress will permanently be a part of my life, but I need to, because if I don’t get Addy back in my arms, then no. It’s not okay and I fully realize it will never be okay again. I could have completely ruined the best thing that’s ever happened to me.

“I’m working on it,” I call over my shoulder before I push through the secured steel doors and head to hopefully fix what I’ve royally fucked up, praying the whole time that she’ll find it within herself to forgive me.

Even though I don’t deserve it.

I
sit at my desk
, blankly staring at my computer screen. The blinking cursor mocks me. I’m not even sure what I’m supposed to be doing. It’s another long, interminable day without Luke. Without talking to him or touching him. Without explanations. My voice mails and texts have gone unanswered. With every long minute that’s passed my confusion and anger have grown to almost now explosive levels. I’ve cried, I’ve screamed, I’ve thrown things, I’ve stomped around my apartment like a bratty three-year-old. I’ve barely slept. I’ve barely eaten. I feel like a living, breathing zombie.

It doesn’t make me feel much better, but I know I’m not in this alone: he’s abandoned everyone else too. His new nephews. His brothers. His mother. Livia. The only person I know he’s been in touch with is Bigs, who called me yesterday to say he’s seen Luke and he’s alive. Yet no matter how much cajoling or crying I did, he wouldn’t tell me what was going on or where he was. I know he knows. His loyalty, while commendable, pisses me the fuck off right now.

I want answers. I deserve answers, but as much as I want to see Luke, I’m not at all sure I can stomach hearing them. At the moment, I’m so goddamn mad I don’t think I can look at him. More than anything, though, I’m hurt. I can’t even describe how much it hurts knowing he would just leave me and not look back. And I honestly have to wonder if I’ll be able to build a life with a man who just cuts and runs every time his demons rise up from the ashes. I’ve done nothing but think about that since Friday night when he walked out.

A soft knock pulls me out of my reverie. I look over to see Julie sticking her head in my barely opened door. It looks like it’s floating. It would be funny if anything struck me as such these days. “Addy, I hate to bother you, but there’s someone here to see you.”

“Who?” I ask, not wanting to talk to any salespeople or someone who’s looking for a job today.

“Me,” Luke’s dark rumble answers right before he pushes the door open the rest of the way.

“Luke,” I whisper. Never taking his eyes from mine, he walks in and shuts Julie out. He makes no move to come closer. Smart man.

I sit still, drinking in the sight of him. He looks like he’s been to hell and back. His eyes are bloodshot. His clothes are rumpled. He looks exhausted. I think he’s lost weight and it’s clear he hasn’t shaved since he left. For the hundredth time, I wonder what in the hell happened and what it has to do with my sister because she still claims to have no clue.

Two emotions hit me hard and fast: anger and relief. In a duel to the death, anger wins. I straighten my spine, sitting tall. My entire body shakes with my effort to hold back from slapping him. I wipe away the tears that are rolling down my cheek, pissed that they escaped.

“I’m busy.”

“Addy, please. I need to talk to you.”

Fuck his explanation. I can’t listen to it right now and if I do, it will be on my terms, not his.

“I can’t do this now, Luke,” I say, turning back to my computer, pretending to type some numbers into a spreadsheet. I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing, but I’m not about to let him know.

“Baby, I am so sorry. There’s no excuse for my actions, but please let me explain.”

I fly from my chair, my vision clouded scarlet. “Sorry? You’re
sorry
? Well, fuck your sorry!” I scream. “You just ran out the door with no explanation, no phone call, no text.
Nothing
. You abandoned me, Luke. I have no idea what the hell happened and I’ve been stumbling in the dark for five days wondering where you were. Five days! I didn’t know if you were dead. If you were drunk. If you were fucking other women. I didn’t know if you left me! I had to track down Ben to find out that you were even alive for fuck’s sake! You called
him
, and you didn’t call
me
. You cut me out completely, just like you did your family all those years ago.”

He flinches, my words cutting him deep. I can’t make myself care.

“You’re right, Addy. About everything. I handled this poorly, but I can explain.
Please
let me explain.”

“It’s too late. You should have done that before you ever hit the threshold. Now it’s too late.” My voice cracks and I can barely swallow the saliva pooling in my mouth.

He looks devastated. The water I see in his eyes absolutely guts me and I feel positively sick because I may have actually meant the words I just said. I don’t know if I can forgive him for doing this to me. To us.

“Please tell me I haven’t fucked us up permanently,” he chokes. He’s trying to hold it together as much as I am.

“I can’t,” I whisper hoarsely. “I’m staying with Kamryn for a while, so you can go back to the apartment.”

He nods and we stand there silently. I have nothing left to say, but I can’t move either. I have to force my feet to the floor, pretending they’re superglued because the urge to throw myself into his arms and forgive him is so overpowering. Every cell in my body is begging me to run to him.

I miss him.

I miss his kiss. I miss his touch. His laugh. His humor. I miss his arms holding me so I can sleep. I miss his heat. I miss his cooking.

I miss his everything.

His eyes fall to the floor. I let my tears flow freely, although I try to prevent myself from completely falling apart in front of him. I have far too much pride for that.

“The battle may be won, but the war rages on.”

“What?”

His hazels lift. “My tattoo.” I suck in a breath and my knees give out. Luckily for me, the chair is right there so I don’t end up on my ass. “You wondered what it said.
That’s
what it says. You’re my war, Addy. You’re the
only
thing worth fighting for. I’m not perfect. I fucked up. I know it, but I will never stop fighting for you. I love you, fireball, and I am so very sorry.”

Then he turns to leave and it takes a minute for his next words to register. By the time they do, he’s already gone.

“And war is my destiny until she is mine.”

I put my face in my hands and sob.